I’m okay. Friends keep checking on me, but I really am okay. I’m mostly just processing and trying to figure some shit out, ya know? Losing my babyman so suddenly really flipped my world upside down. Next thing you know I’m going on a couple of dates with someone, on the second they asked to be exclusive, I was into it. It felt nice to be noticed and admired. It was fantastic to meet someone who wanted to participate in lengthy conversation without aim. The third date was my birthday and I was a bit nervous. Seems a tall order to plan an entire day for someone who doesn’t know you very well and on their birthday?! Yikes! I don’t think I would have been so bold. In the end, it was a truly fantastic day! A whirlwind, I dare say!

They picked me up at 11 am and we headed to breakfast at a cute little cafe. Then to a private karaoke room in this games/activities type place where they gave me a card that exclaimed their love followed by serenading me with an original birthday song just for me! We both sang songs but it was obvious they were trying to impress while I was simply trying to go with the flow and enjoy the ride. Next we played a couple rounds of billiards, but it was too hot to comfortably play while wearing face masks. So we ditched and while he offered to take me axe throwing, I was too worried about injuring myself and so mini golf was the compromise. It was a blast, too! There was hardly anyone there so we got to take our time and just be silly about the whole thing. Then we had Thai food at this little hole in the wall nearby, it was delicious! 

When the dessert shop they had planned on taking me to was closed early, it seemed their plans had sort of fizzled out. I very much did not want the day to end so I invited them back to my place. We had been flirting all day and they were so thoughtful and sweet and I wanted to be more intimate with them. So back to my place we went, I had panic-cleaned the night before so I wasn’t too stressed about my usual mess. We sat and talked and laughed and made out and it was all super fun. When I asked if they wanted to move to the bedroom, their enthusiasm was exactly what was called for. Ha-ha! And it was all super great, like truly, a wonderful time was had by all. 

Things got a little weird shortly after that though. Like, they never expressly asked or were invited to spend the night. They already had a bag packed in their car for the occasion. I poked fun, but I was a little put off by it. They said they didn’t have work the next day but their schedule changed a lot so I didn’t think much of it. Even with all of the activities and excitement of the day, I couldn’t sleep! I hadn’t had someone in my bed at all, let alone to spend the night, in years! I just rolled with it. The next day we made out tons more and had a lot more sex. Super fun! Then I took them to my favorite hidden gem in the bay area, near where I grew up, The Pulgas Water Temple. It was a gorgeous day as we ate our sandwiches in the shade of an old tree. A couple was getting their wedding photos taken there with their dogs, it was super cute. We headed back to my place, without a plan. And next thing you know, that third date lasted three days.

It’s nuts! We kept saying so, too, the entire time. But emotions were high, certainly getting laid helped with that and it was all such a lovely distraction. But after three days and two nights with no sleep, this introvert needed some alone time. They were super cool about it, but then got too stoned to leave at a reasonable hour, which left me very cranky. They came back the next morning and I was starting to feel that while I liked this person a lot, they probably weren’t as good a match for me as I originally thought. I felt more critical of them suddenly and I didn’t like that feeling within myself at all. I told them we couldn’t do back to back overnights anymore, I needed to sleep and my restless leg syndrome was out of control as a result. They said they understood, wanted to respect my boundaries, all seemed well. 

There were no more plans or adventures. It was just us sitting on my couch in my apartment talking or watching netflix, random makeouts, and seemingly rote sex after that. The excitement of the partnership had passed for me. They were still very much feeling it but the next day I had it and exclaimed, “No more over nights ever!” I needed sleep, I needed alone time, I needed to do my fucking nails and couldn’t when they were there. Within a week’s time I went from not being able to keep my hands off of them to not even wanting to see them. It was odd. But then, they took the entire week off of work without even mentioning it to me once.

The next week we went back to work and reality hit me kind of hard. Things at work have actually been really great so that wasn’t the issue at all. I am still very much grieving and hard! That week was a nice distraction, but I wasn’t feeling anything but sadness. I found being home alone each night to be a greater joy and comfort than I could have expected. When they came over the following Saturday, I was all dolled up and looking drop dead sexy! I was feeling myself and was hoping they would be feeling me too. Ha! Only when we kissed hello I felt absolutely nothing. They didn’t comment on my outfit or how hot or gorgeous I looked…at all! I didn’t think about that part until the next day and then it was just like whatever. They brought over food they had cooked at home but I didn’t have as much of an appetite as they did. When we kissed for a bit they could tell something was different with me and I did my best to explain but I think they took it more as I wasn’t in the mood for sex and not that I was actually not feeling the partnership any longer. 

As this past week has progressed, they reached out but I explained that my period was wrecking me and I was simply in too much pain and exhausted to do anything. We haven’t talked or text at all in more than a couple of days now. I feel a little bad about it, but I haven’t misled them in any way. I caught up with a couple of friends this week and had some realizations. First, the people who know you best actually do know what is good for you and serving you and what is not. My nearest and dearest were like, “They are not the one!” and “This sounds very familiar, remember when…” and suddenly it hit me. This was all a repeated pattern that I had literally taken a year plus off dating to recover and reset and get away from. 

The more I chatted with my beloveds, the more I realized how I get caught up in other people’s feelings. How easy it is to get swept up when someone is doing and saying “all the right things at exactly the right time (but they mean nothing to you and you don’t know why”) and showering you with affection when you’ve been starved for any attention and affection for so long. UGH! I couldn’t see this for myself until my friends were like, “Uhh…this isn’t right.” I needed that reality check and I am so grateful to have them in my life. I know it’s not easy to tell someone that they are not on their right path. It helped me realize that I need to end this. I cannot properly grieve, heal, and grow if I am distracted and not even fully invested in a situationship. I cannot fully participate in a relationship in the way that I would normally want or need to when I am still so deep in my grief. I am not my usual fantastic self and thus have no business trying to be in a relationship with anyone for awhile. 

Ending things is not easy nor fun to do. I always want to be kind. The other party doesn’t always allow you to be kind in those moments though. I think they will understand, but another pattern I worry about repeating is them bargaining for a compromise that will serve neither of us in the end and only postpone the inevitable severance. No, I can’t do that again. So, they are coming over tomorrow morning and I will have this talk with them. They have been so compassionate and respectful and I think they will absolutely understand, but I know that they are a sensitive and gentle soul and this will be hard to hear for them. I anguish over these things, even though I know it’s the right thing to do.

I definitely need to take a big ole step back and rethink what it is I want out of dating before I dip my toe back into those icy waters again. I’m not even sure that I want to be monogamous anymore. I’m not sure that a traditional style partnership is for me. I may need to sleep alone forever and that is fine. I need my sleep, dammit! But having someone in my personal space, my fortress of solitude if you will, was just too much too soon and while I don’t have any regrets, it’s just not a good fit for me. 

Have you gotten caught up in something that wasn’t right for you? Have you had to end something that was moving too quickly? Do you get swept up in other people’s feelings? I know I do! I just gotta figure out how to stop! Ha-ha!

***

I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (We only recorded a few episodes but they were good!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall currently donations will be given directly to Black women in need through my network.

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated frequently and not just about fat stuff): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same shared content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it! I’m also on Space Hey: NotBlueAtAll

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.) notblueatall@notblueatall.com

The face of a pug will always elicit a response, no matter its current configuration. Its eyes are ever seeking, ever wanting. To have and to hold and to love a pug of one’s own is a gift from the universe that is truly unmatched. There is no greater love or sense of belonging that could compare. When nothing in this world makes sense, to look into the sweet face of a pug, you realize that all of the answers are right there. To love. To connect. To be silly. To take pleasure in the smallest acts of life. To rest. There is nothing else but this very moment. If you try to hold on for too long it will all surely slip away. 

When out in public with a pug, strangers will stop and stare in delight. They will gasp and sigh, they will squeal and whisper. To glimpse a pug “in the wild” (not the actual wild, they are not the most rugged of creatures) is to get a secret peek at absolute joy embodied. If they notice you in return they will most certainly tilt their head in order to hear you better. Their eyes will widen in preparation to make a new friend. They may even approach as if to say hey I see you too what’s up new friend. 

To share your life with a pug is to never feel alone, no matter how long it has been since you’ve seen another human. You will never be without someone to talk to, sing to, dance with, snuggle with, and always always share a meal with. You will have your very own personal security detail for every late night trip to the bathroom or morning shower. If you are feeling down they will cheer you up, it’s like they can’t even help it. Their mere existence is just love and joy in a soft little body. When ill, you feel the warm weight of their body pressed against you. I’m certain it shortens the healing time of nearly any ailment.   

My beloved puggo, my shadow, my sidekick, my baby, my entire heart, passed away in the ICU on October 8, 2021. We spent twelve years together, growing and learning as we went along. He became very ill, very quickly and while he seemed to be recovering and doing well for a couple of weeks, things took a very sudden turn that his little body just couldn’t handle. Science did all it could to save him. Love did all it could to keep him. No amount of money or tears could make him feel better and finally he just stopped breathing. I was in the shower when the doctor called, I jumped out and grabbed the call, dripping water everywhere. I was on the phone with the doctor when it happened. 
No heart break has ever felt like this. No loss has ever felt like this. I am grateful that he is no longer suffering. His physical absence is unbearable. My every thought and consideration, both mental and physical, was always him. When I was out of work and dealing with the return of some terrible CPTSD symptoms and terrified of the world, he was the for me. When I had a panic attack at my ex husband’s wedding reception, my puggo calmed me down when I got home. He always knew just what I needed. If I cried he would get me to laugh by making silly sounds and flopping around on the bed. 

I have to learn how to be a human again. When my stomach gurgles I look for my sweet boy, thinking it is him. When I drop a crumb on the floor I expect to hear his paws fast approaching. I can’t bring myself to go into my backyard. I only have it for him. The worst is when I come home from work each day. He used to do a big stretch and then squeak at me and I would pretend that he was telling me about his day and respond, “Oh yeah, and then what happened?” and then walk between my feet as I scratched his back and little butt. “My baby butt!” I would say as he would quickly turn around and do the whole thing again. Now I just come home and cry.

My whole life revolved around him. Now he’s gone and I’m not sure what’s left. I’m still me but I feel like my soul is gone. I’m glad I have work, though I did take two days off, because it is a good distraction from my shattered state. Sure, it’s always there just beneath the surface, but I can cover pretty decently at work and no one’s the wiser for it. And I have a big project starting that I’ve been excited about for some time. It is in the small moments, when there’s no pretense, just mundane life things like filling the Brita pitcher or turning over in bed, that it dawns on me that he’s gone again and again. There was no greater joy in my life than coming home to that little muffin.

I cannot imagine loving anyone or anything as much as I loved him. He drove me crazy sometimes and somehow knew how to get into just the right amount of mischief. He was my reason for getting out of bed and for going to bed at a decent hour. He kept us both on a tight schedule. He didn’t get the concept of daylight savings time so I just tried to keep things as consistent as possible, regardless of what the clock said. He would never let me forget dinner time, that was always precise!

He was no big adventurer, though he had been to Gorn Rock and stayed in a Wig Wam in SoCal. I called him a shade seeking missile, he just understood what mattered in life. When he was done with something he made it clear and there was no convincing him otherwise. I appreciated that in him even when we butted heads. We had our routines down pat and had our own flow of doing things together at home. He hated baths but would always just go along with what I asked of him. I would always take those opportunities as an excuse to hold him, he wasn’t a fan, but he knew I loved it so would allow it. I would hold him up to the bathroom mirror and tell him how handsome he was.

Having the bed all to myself is confusing and torturous. I haven’t had a bed to myself since the 90’s. Well, there was that one year when my ex husband and I first split up but he was only a couple of blocks away and I saw him several times a week. No one in the world was ever as happy to see me ever than my puggo. Not family, not friends or lovers, no this tiny pug person was always SO excited to see me! I mean, he liked everybody, but I was always just as excited to see him too. 

No matter what’s going on in your life or the world, you just cannot help but get excited when beholding the face of a pug. 

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I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (We only recorded a few episodes but they were good!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall currently donations will be given directly to Black women in need through my network.

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated frequently and not just about fat stuff): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it! I’m also on Space Hey “NotBlueAtAll”

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.) notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Oh my sweet lovelies! These last (nearly) four weeks have been absolute torture as my beloved puggo has been incredibly ill. I’ve had him since he was a teeny puglet and he’s nearing his 12th birthday in two months. He’s always been stout and healthy, with only ear infections and a dry eye to worry over. This was something different all together, I won’t get into the gory details, but at a certain point my food obsessed pug stopped eating and I panicked. It took 3 weeks, 4 veterinarians (2 specialists), lots and lots of tests and several thousand dollars (get pet insurance now so you don’t have this happen to you) but my baby is going to be okay. He has a terribly severe case of irritable bowel disease, he’ll likely be on meds to manage it for the rest of his life. Facing this alone has been absolutely terrifying and exhausting. Doing all I could to keep him comfortable while the experts figured out what was going on was absolutely heart wrenching. When he was admitted to the ICU last Thursday as his little system went into shock, I was home just beside myself not knowing what to do without him home with me even for one night. Just two days later he was back to giving me the full pug attitude and trying to get into the garbage can like he used to. Ha!

I came so close to losing him that I am still sort of in shock. What is an appropriate gift for a veterinarian??? I have a few I need to send. The way two vets specifically handled this tricky situation was beyond impressive. I mean, one really went the extra mile to get a specialist involved even though they are all booked through October. I know for a fact that one vet spent over an hour on hold with two different places at least and even worked late to make it happen for us. They were all so kind and patient with me and my questions. I know they deal with such difficult situations only to have to put the animal down, but not my babyman. I had to keep saying that I wasn’t concerned about the money aspect of it, I just wanted him to be okay. I could hear the relief in their voices every time. And while money actually is a major concern and this ordeal has set me back financially (and can I just say fuck credit scores and how they are measured!), I cannot imagine going through this without the small safety net that I do have now. It is an impossible position to be in, but I know I made the right decisions for me and puggo.

I am beyond grateful to all who assisted in his care, my friends and loved ones for their prayers, woo, and moral support. After having just gone through my own health crisis for so many months and to finally be done with it, having this come up for my lil’ guy nearly wrecked me completely. Steroids and antibiotics are amazing medicines, when used properly. I mean, I had to watch my sweet muffin wither away in pain for days on end until we finally got the answers needed to start some kind of treatment. When he had his follow up yesterday the dogtor couldn’t believe how well and how different he looked! I have no doubt that his usual slight chonk-ness helped in his healing and handling of this. 

I am taking the last week of October off work for “vacation”. While I was originally going to take a road trip up north to bask in the magic of the redwoods, now we will simply be home and trying to get as much fucking sleep as possible! I am so sleep deprived I am waking up most days with broken capillaries around my eyes, despite my commitment to my skincare routine. Ha! Seriously, the sleep deprivation is brutal, but worth the temporary craziness to have a better and longer life with my favorite person (my dog is a person, I will fight you). May the rest of this awful year be without upset or loss, because I am not sure how much more I can handle. Hopefully my 18 year old car can hold on another two years while I recover financially. The loan rates right now are terrible! I’m glad I got the small one I did in March or I would have been absolutely screwed.

2022 is shaping up to be exciting in a positive way at least. My employer is moving offices again and it is a project I have been excited to take on for awhile now. This will be my third big office move and the planning and design parts are my favorite! It reminds me that I am capable of so much more than a “front desk” person, as many see me as. I’m an office manager by title, but I wear a few hats and am coming up on four years in my current role, I love it.

Things are changing, and I am ready for all the goodness! Are you?!

***

I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (We only recorded a few episodes but they were good!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall currently donations will be given directly to Black women in need through my network.

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated frequently and not just about fat stuff): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it! I’m also on Space Hey “NotBlueAtAll”

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.) notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Well, I have survived my first surgery! Honestly everyone at the hospital was great, but I gotta give a special shout out to the anesthesiologist who saw the panic in my eyes but listened very carefully to all of my questions and made sure to explain everything and more to ease my mind. Seriously, a really great human! When I told him what the other doc had said about cannabis interacting with anesthesia and causing brain damage he was gobsmacked. “A doctor told you this? That’s just wrong. That’s so rude!” And my gallbladder removal surgery went exactly as planned without issue. All I remember in the actual room was scooting onto the operating table from my wheely bed (you know what they wheel you around on) and the surgeon explaining how things would go in which order. I had asked how my fat body would be moved back onto the wheely bed and they calmly explained that I was laying on a set of rollers of some kind that would make the transition smooth. Then each person in the room (6 total I think) introduced themselves, said my name and what procedure I would be having done. It felt a bit like a press conference for a celebrity only I was laying down and naked beneath a thin gauzy medical gown (that would have easily fit two of me inside). Then they put the “oxygen” mask over my face and instructed me to breathe deeply. No counting backwards or any of the old cliches. 

Next thing I knew I was waking up in recovery with RN Cassie trying to talk to me as I mostly just groaned in confusion and pain. I was so terrified of being put under but that was honestly the easiest bit. Cassie was very patient and kind and gave me ice chips and water and strawberry jello, and helped me get my knickers back on. Within half an hour I was dressed, visited the restroom, and on my way to the main entrance where my bestie J was waiting for me with his carriage (okay it’s a Toyota, but allow me to romanticize a scene now and then, yeah?!). I’m sure I said little and groaned more on the ride home, but J was the best, a tried and true ride or die. I was just super extra glad that I didn’t die. That paperwork they had me fill out really got into my head. Ugh! 

The next three days I mostly slept and took my meds and ate fruit. That’s seriously it! After that I stopped taking the oxycodone and stuck with the lovely combo of Motrin and acetaminophen. Gosh that stuff works great! I’ve been walking around like I have never had a knee injury in my life! I know I can’t take this stuff forever, surely that would fuck up my liver something awful, but it really helps feeling more steady and able to do things at home as needed. Yesterday I even chopped and roasted a ton of veggies that would have otherwise gone bad. Had I done that without the NSAIDS I would have been limping and in agony. I will definitely be discussing this with the surgeon at my follow up. 

Yesterday I went back to my office job and honestly, it was great! People were happy to see me, relieved even. My boss admitted he was worried. It’s nice to be valued. I get it in my head sometimes that what I do doesn’t matter, but yesterday showed me that’s ridiculous. While I had a ton of things to catch up on, I conquered it all and felt pretty darn good about myself to boot! I really wasn’t sure how I would feel or what I’d be walking into, but it all worked out well. Even if I did sleep like crap the night before. You know when it’s too hot without a fan but the fan is too noisy too?! Ugh! I am feeling hopeful though. Having this big scary thing over and done with is a massive load off my mind. I will eventually need to have a very similar surgery to remove a mystery mass they found when scanning my gallbladder (it’s benign but it grew), but I’m far less fearful about it all. And hey that scary “you’re gonna die” paperwork is all done! Ha-ha! 

Now if we could all just work together to end this darned pandemic, that would be greeeeeeeeat! Ha!

***

I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (We only recorded a few episodes but they were good!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall currently donations will be given directly to Black women in need through my network.

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated frequently and not just about fat stuff): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it! I’m also on Space Hey “NotBlueAtAll”

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.) notblueatall@notblueatall.com

This entire pandemic shutdown has affected us all, regardless if you or someone you know has had the illness itself. We have all been forced to sort of slow down and do things differently. Something I have seen come up so much in all of the fat facebook groups I’m in is this deep seated shame about a lessening in mobility. A feeling of failure around being forced to be more sedentary over the last fifteen months. I’m here to tell you that for one, it ain’t just fat folks feeling all of this, we’ve all been affected by it. Fat folks seem to have a more immediate self blame/shame reaction to it, but it’s not just us, I promise!

I have previously talked about thriving in those first few months of the pandemic shutdown, and that’s true. Once my gallbladder started failing me I was forced very suddenly to simply stop everything. Extreme pain takes over every aspect of your life. Even after the initial ER visit, my situation was a mystery and the pain attacks were intermittent, which really sucked any morale I had left outta me. After three months of the pain attacks I was miserably depressed. So when the pain finally went away I still wasn’t really wanting or able to get back to my previous movement habits.

Now as I’m back at the office everyday I’m finding everything more difficult. I don’t have energy, what I do have runs out quickly. Standing still for any stretch fucks up my right knee. I have stiffness and soreness seemingly all of the time, but it gets better before it gets worse. I have my gallbladder surgery tomorrow, so I know it will take awhile for me to recover, but the mobility I have lost in the last year is very much apparent to me now. I was struggling internally about this until I started to see post after shame-filled post about the exact same issues. That’s when I realized that this is so much bigger than just me or just you. We’re all in this together so let’s throw that shame and blame game out the damned window!

One of the best things you can do right now, without even leaving your seat, is deciding and committing to yourself to be kind and patient with yourself. That really is the best first step you can take. I have seen a lot of folks worrying about not being able to walk down their block without needing a break or sitting down, so I will share some tips others have shared. First, if going out feels unsafe or you’re uncertain of your needs in such a public place, try using your home or yard to start moving more, incrementally. One rad fatty used their long hallway, walking the length and placing a chair at each end. This way you can take your time, rest when you need to (please honor your body’s cues on this) and not worry about harassment or unsteadiness outdoors. Doing any kind of stretching will also help so much! Did you know that Joyn is free now?! They have plus size instructors and all levels of classes you can try out. Check it out if that format is more your style. There’s lots on YouTube as well, but I urge you to ignore the comment sections and maybe even do some digging before searching for a class type as I have found many to appear fat positive but then they hit you with some nonsense mid-instruction that I just can’t hang with. If your knees are your main focus, I would highly recommend Cinder Ernst’s book on the subject! Cinder also has a facebook group for this, as well as youtube videos. I’ve met and known Cinder for some years now and she is absolutely a joy and a pleasure to work with.

If, like me, you found yourself in an increasingly icky depression nest, please consider (if you are able) hiring and/or asking for help.  It was very difficult for me internally to do this but I ended up hiring someone to help me clean my kitchen. It was only a hundred bucks for three hours of work, and the person the agency sent (I used an app called Diem) was absolutely lovely! They understood my situation without judgement and prioritized the cleaning tasks based on my actual day to day needs. I never could have cleaned that kitchen on my own without wrecking my back and knees. The weight lifted by having a clean kitchen was just what I needed to tackle my living room and bathroom on my own. Now I come home and I don’t feel all of the shame and guilt over having a messy/gross home. I know I deserve to feel good about coming home, and kept meaning to prioritize this, but that shame and guilt combo is fucking HARD to shake off. Maybe you have people in your life that want to help but you are afraid to ask or keep telling them no. I kept telling myself that I would do it all on my own, such is my way in most things, but I was finally faced with not having the mobility or time to accomplish this before my surgery. Sometimes we have to confront ourselves over this stuff. I am glad that I did.

There was a recent study that came out that discovered that those who spend a little money to get a little time back for themselves actually had higher levels of happiness and lower levels of stress over all. It specifically mentioned things like household chores, which has always been my struggle (thanks to my childhood). The people who clean for a living will not judge you, they will understand and will treat your home with respect. I know for me this was such a huge internal battle that I had with myself. It sent me down so many self-hating spirals I can’t even count! I even let the cleaning folks know that I was incredibly anxious and that this was my first time hiring someone for this work. I let them know that I would have to remain in my apartment (this was before my office was reopened), and I kept myself and my puggo in my bedroom while they worked. It wasn’t easy for me mentally, but again it was so very worth it! Your situation may be different, and your experiences will certainly vary, but I hope you can do something that will take some of the stress and shame off your mind and heart.

We put so much on our own shoulders before we even get out of bed each day. We all must find a way to be kind, patient, and to honor what our bodies need. It sounds so simple, but it takes a lot of effort and reframing, I have found. Please know that you are worth every ounce of effort in the world! I think after my surgery I will be seeking physical therapy of some kind to aid my recovery efforts as well as hopefully regaining my overall mobility. If you are working from home I urge you to carefully consider your ergonomic setup and reassess based on what your body is actually telling you. There’s lots of easy guides online you can look at for this (I’m an office manager so it’s part of what I do).

I say and share all of this because I honestly do care, maybe too much. I see no point in participating in my own suffering. I do not want to see others struggling with the same if I can help it, ya know? The shame and blame isn’t useful, let’s banish it from our minds and hearts for good! Remind yourself, as I do each day when there is pain, this isn’t your fault in any way, you’re human and doing what you can with what you have at any given moment. Honor that shit! You don’t have to love your body, I know that hard af and some of us will simply never get there or want to, but we can all find a place of neutrality with our bodies so that we can live our best lives. I hope you find what works for you and unburden you from the intrusive negativity. 

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I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

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