When I was a child I never gave making friends a second thought. If I was at the park or the playground at school I would simply say, “Wanna be friends?” or “Okay, we’re friends now.” and life went on. Zero fucks given! Sometimes I never saw those kids again but my tiny attention span didn’t care. Onto the next thing! In school we buddy up with our desk neighbors or recess playmates. Having attended the same school from grades K-6th, my friends didn’t change much from year to year. I had the same BFF the entire time with a few others sprinkled in for good measure. I have to wonder if that friendship was setting an example for all future ones.

As we grow up we often grow out of those childhood friendships. We make friends elsewhere like college or work or other places where we might mix and mingle in our adult lives. It feels increasingly difficult to make let alone maintain these friendships. With every new life change it seems we shed a few more folks from our contacts list. Yet we spend our down time watching shows like “Friends” or “Melrose Place” or “Happy Endings” or “How I Met Your Mother” or other such shows where a group of inseparable friends hang out everyday. It all looks so effortless and easy and hey why don’t I have this perfect group of friends in my life!?!??!?!?!

When people find out that I’ve had the same set of friends for 20+ years their eyes bug out of their heads. They can’t believe it or just refuse to. They assume we aren’t close or don’t talk and while that has been true occasionally with a couple, that’s not the case with my nearest and dearest. Some have asked how we make it work or how we manage to remain close and I never really thought about it. I would always just shrug it off and say, “I don’t know!”

I have been thinking about this more and more lately and I’ve come to some conclusions about what has worked for me or maybe what I and my friends might do differently. I think the first biggest thing is simply knowing who you are. We spend our youth trying to figure out what our identities our. Who am I? What do I wanna be? What do I wanna do? If you don’t know who you are how can you find like minded people to hang out with, connect with? We try! But studies have shown that most adult friendships last 3-7 years, tops. I think for a lot of folks this works out just fine, especially in our twenties when our lives feel like an endless series of changes.

Another huge part of the adult friendship thing is just being honest. I don’t just mean not lying to people in order to deceive them. I mean being honest with ourselves, about ourselves, with others and beyond. If you’re constantly putting on airs and pretending to be something you’re not, how can you possibly meet people who you can truly connect with? You can’t. You’ll make fair weather friends and friends who think you might be able to help them get ahead. We do tend to meet people where we’re at and attract what we are, so if you’re not honest you just won’t be able to create the kind of lifelong friendships they write about in literature. It’s about authenticity, not status. You don’t have to take people out for fancy dinners and shows. Whatever happened to just hanging out? Playing board games? Telling stories by the fire? Good conversation is my second favorite drug of choice. These things are timeless and rad and we should do them.

The thing that has made itself unbearably clear to me as an obstacle in adult friendships is vulnerability or really a lack thereof. We never want to appear vulnerable. We hide our pain. We always, politely, say, “I’m good” or “I’m okay, how are you?” when asked. We never get to the part about our struggles or heartaches or heavier topics. Our society has programmed us to never show the not nice sides of ourselves or our lives. Adulthood means more responsibility and more pitfalls than we can anticipate. While we can achieve success in many aspects of our lives, friendships and building them never seem to get prioritized. How can we be there for one another if we never let each other know we need that support? We also need to be vulnerable enough and open enough to accept that support. I still struggle with that part, but I try. We bond more deeply and honestly when we are our most vulnerable with one another. I think that’s why it’s so hard to make those ride or die kind of friends as an adult. We grow closer when we include others in our lives during our struggles and will naturally want to reciprocate that support for one another because of it.

Something I have seen affect many of my relationships is the politics of social gatherings and who gets left out and why. It’s important to celebrate with those you love and love you back, but how many times have we run down our short list only to find ourselves “but then I’ll have to invite _____” after thinking of someone you wanna invite. Feeling obligated sucks. You may have your reasons for not being into someone or avoiding potential conflict by inviting or not inviting them. It’s tricky! I think if you’re finding yourself avoiding someone you should really just let them go. Don’t make it personal, just don’t lie about shit, ya know? Don’t tell someone you’ll invite them to your next thing if you have no intention of doing so. Also don’t be jerk. If someone never accepts your invites do not assume it’s something to do with you. It could be, but it could also be a million other things! With me it’s almost always anxiety or depression or potential triggers (I have PTSD). There are times when I truly want to attend a gathering but simply can’t. Talk about FOMO! (Fear of missing out.) But not getting inviting feels so much worse. So please, keep inviting folks you genuinely enjoy the company of. Maybe just check in with them about what’s going on in their life right now and see if there’s any obstacles you might be able to assist them with if they are open to that. Communication is key!

In fact, communication is everything!!! Look, no one wants to be annoying. No one wants to be lied to. None of us are mind readers. It’s vital to communicate! It’s not weakness to tell someone you want or like something. Why are we always trying so hard to look cool all of the time?! Ridiculous! Just be yourself, do what feels right, and treat people with respect and kindness. I swear we add so much pressure and stress to our own lives by trying so hard to fit in or be liked. What is the point?! I’d rather hate someone for who they truly are than love them for what they’re not! I don’t want to build any relationship on lies. Also, stop trying to live up to anyone else’s expectations but your own (and check in with yourself about what’s important to you and why). Your life is yours to live. You have to live with how you choose to live it. How you treat people is a choice. Choose wisely! Also, take no shit! It’s one thing to be vulnerable and open with your friends, but don’t allow anyone to treat you like a doormat! 

Lastly, time and effort for our friendships simply go right out the window when we have careers and families to worry about. On this one though I gotta say that technology absolutely helps! How long does it take to send a text or an email? A cute or funny picture sent to a friend having a tough time can mean so much. I have been able to maintain and grow friendships entirely online and wouldn’t trade those friends for anything! It really is the thought that counts. I have also recently started to write letters and cards to send to friends via ye olde snail mail and lemme tell ya, it’s awesome! Nothing is as uplifting as getting some kind words from a friend in your mailbox when you’re used to nothing but bills! It’s a way of “showing up” for our friends whether or not we can physically be there for them.

We don’t all have a traditional blood related family to depend on, for whatever reason. For me, my small group of friends are my family. They are who I turn to when I feel like I can’t go on, when I’m struggling, when I’m hurting, when I’m freaking out about all of the pitfalls in life. They are also the first I turn to when I have something to celebrate! We show up for each other and that fucking matters, folks! We lift each other up, we hold one another accountable, we cheer each other on and we’re damn sure there to have each other’s backs, too! (Even and especially on Christmas day! -inside joke-)

It means prioritizing your friends over your love life. It means checking in with each other and checking on one another. To connect with someone in a real way you not only get to know the person they are now but the person they are capable of becoming. I can absolutely attest to that fact in my own life. With the love and support and accountability of my friends over the years I have seen my career grow, opened my own business and made it through a divorce and the struggles of multiple lay offs. They have been there for me every step of the way. When I have been at my absolute worst (literally in the middle of a panic attack at a huge-noisy party) and my best (Fatty Affair)! They push me to be my best self and I am there for them when they don’t know where to turn.

Sometimes it’s simple stuff like getting together for dinner or drinks or watching bad movies and bitching about them after. Or it’s creating an excuse to get together for a karaoke party because they know I’m so fucking depressed and at times it’s the only reason I’d leave the house. We buy tickets for shows we’re in, we bring bouquets of flowers and cheer the loudest! Even when we can’t see each other for months at a time we remain in each other’s lives because these relationships matter to us! We can’t all have children (or simply don’t want to), we don’t all have parents or siblings that love us unconditionally, but we can be there and be that for one another. It takes work! It takes time to develop that level of trust and honesty and comfort with one another. But I am living proof that it is always motherfucking worth it!

There’s no secret handshake. There’s no password. There’s no dress code, though J would prefer no one wears flip flops! Ha-ha! No one wants to hear that things take work or time; those two things seem to make everything harder to attain, right? But real friends will do this. Good people will do this, or the right ones will anyway. Because good people don’t make you feel less than or weird or in the way or not enough. People who connect with you in the right ways, the best ways, will stand up every time to remind you that you are awesome! Even and especially when you can’t see that for or in yourself. My friends are a constant source of love, snark and inspiration and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Mull it Over Monday
What’s on your mind? What pisses you off? A new take on an old issue? This could be political, personal, social, body related, you name it!

For submissions:
Please include the name you’d like used for the post (I will often thank the poster or comment about the story at the bottom of a submitted post). You’re welcome to include something you’d like to plug like an etsy shop, event or other such things. Posts submitted by individuals are always free, but businesses will be charged a fee based on the type of post they’d like to submit. Please also consider submitting a photo of yourself, even if the post isn’t about you specifically. People love to see pics of other awesome people, simple as that! For outfit pics, please include sizing for reference as well as links or retailers where readers may procure their own goodies to shop your style!

We love newbies to fat community as well as tried and true rad fatties. This blog is a safe space for folks to share their stories, celebrate themselves and their journies, and connect with one another. This is an open minded and respectful environment where we may disagree but are never mean to one another. Please refrain from any negative body talk, diet talk/discussions, or any negative judgements. Have fun and Enjoy!

Rad Fatty Love,
<3
S

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com
If you would like to give money to support this blog via paypal, you may do so here: http://bit.ly/1P2cZgO

Starting next week I want to get back into posting, but with a focus on sharing stories and building community! Each day will have a theme, but there are no strict guidelines, so feel free to submit!

Mull it Over Monday

Issues! What’s on your mind? What pisses you off? A new take on an old issue? This could be political, personal, social, body related, you name it!

Tank Top Tuesday

It’s Tuesday and the weather is warming up! I am always looking for submissions from anyone who wants to exercise their right to Bare Arms for Tank Top Tuesday posts! keep ‘em comin’ and keep baring those arms!

Do you have something to say about fat acceptance/fat liberation? Have you been wanting to start a blog but afraid to take the plunge? Consider guest posting at NotBlueAtAll.com! We all have a story to tell. Share yours! Or maybe you’re great at reviews or have an independent business you think my rad fatty readers would enjoy…let me know!

For submissions:
Please include the name you’d like used for the post (I will often thank the poster or comment about the story at the bottom of a submitted post). You’re welcome to include something you’d like to plug like an etsy shop, event or other such things. Posts submitted by individuals are always free, but businesses will be charged a fee based on the type of post they’d like to submit. Please also consider submitting a photo of yourself, even if the post isn’t about you specifically. People love to see pics of other awesome people, simple as that! For outfit pics, please include sizing for reference as well as links or retailers where readers may procure their own goodies to shop your style!

We love newbies to fat community as well as tried and true rad fatties. This blog is a safe space for folks to share their stories, celebrate themselves and their journies, and connect with one another. This is an open minded and respectful environment where we may disagree but are never mean to one another. Please refrain from any negative body talk, diet talk/discussions, or any negative judgements. Have fun and Enjoy!

Rad Fatty Love,
<3
S

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS  Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com
If you would like to give money to support this blog via paypal, you may do so here: http://bit.ly/1P2cZgO

I would like to thank those who reached out to offer their support. You have truly touched and humbled me. Thank you!!! <3
Asking for that support was one of the hardest things I’ve done as of late. While nowhere near my goal, the little I did receive helped and I was able to borrow the rest in time to make my rent! It was really down to the wire and with my monthly hormonal surge along with mercury in retrograde and all of the stresses that my life has provided lately, let’s just say I spent all but three hours on Sunday crying.

Awhile back Stephen Colbert was talking about his Irish heritage and he shared a saying his mother had always said, “What’s the use in being Irish if you don’t know that life is gonna break your heart.” it rang true for me in a way I couldn’t articulate, but it has stuck with me and it’s meaning has evolved since. Yeah, I am also descended from some heavy Irish heritage. Ha! Not to appropriate, but I see it as a yin-yang sort of thing. There’s a drop of sorrow in every bit of joy you have and a tiny glimmer of light in even the deepest depths of despair. I just can’t always see those tiny spots when in the thick of things, ya know?

My friends, though! My friends are everything! It’s hard to care for folks in a meaningful way when they’re going through tough times and you can’t influence or control things to help them. It’s hard! People stop messaging you, stop calling and texting. No one knows what to say except asking about job stuff (seriously we are All so much more than what we do to earn a living!) Soon no one invites you to things. Next thing you know you’re more isolated than ever and carrying all the shame about it, too. My very nearest and dearest (My Boys, if you will) always make the effort, even when they’re not sure how or if it’s the right thing/timing. They try and really that’s all that matters to me. It’s the ones who pop up out of the blue to invite you to something absurdly expensive or to donate to some run/walk/etc when they’ve been absent in your life for ages. It hurts, it’s insulting and if I’m being absolutely honest, those are the ones that need to be cut out entirely. Like, c’mon, if you cannot be bothered to even know that I’ve been out of work for a YEAR maybe just fuck right the hell off! Harsh? Perhaps, but I also think it’s necessary.

Things are looking up, though! I had an interview today that was so great I’m meeting with the CEO tomorrow! It’s only part time to start but come August/September it would go full time with full benefits! Woot! So…FINGERS CROSSED!!! It feels right and they really like me! They said I was just what they needed and a perfect fit for their small company and it feels good to hear that, ya know? I’m doing my best to look on the bright side and all of that. Tigress and I are rehearsing for the big moves dance show once again (this is our fourth year!) and that has been great! We’re really stoked about our costumes! Very exciting! And it’s nice to have something to look forward to again even though I always freak out right before! Ha!

I’d love to start writing about fat stuff again. International No Diet Day is coming up May 6th! What are you doing to celebrate? I’d love to hear about all of the rad fatty stuff happening and even participate if possible! I’ll keep y’all updated when I have some news. Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement, kindness and generosity.

Rad Fatty Love,
<3
S

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS  Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com
If you would like to give money to support this blog via paypal, you may do so here: http://bit.ly/1P2cZgO

I can’t say that I’ve reached rock bottom because I have actually been there before and this isn’t it, but I always had a safety net and this time I do not. I don’t have family to turn to. This time it feels so much worse. This time it feels like my own fault, though I know better. This time I don’t have the excuse of youth and naivety to lean on or seek shelter from. This time no one will give me a chance, so how can there be a fresh start?!

I just received news of rejection on my absolute last ray of hope. I’m now sitting here crying hysterically and thinking very seriously about selling an organ (How does one begin that process? Can it be done in two weeks time?). No one has anything for me but words of encouragement, but I am so close to the end of my rope here and there is nothing left for me to hold onto. I am terrified. I am stressed to the max. I am financially ruined. I don’t know for how long I will have a place to live. The shit has hit the fan!

I started to sell off my cherished dress collection on Friday. I thought there would be such demand! I listed high quality items with the tags still attached at pretty incredible prices. My technology was fighting me tooth and nail but I finally got the first batch up and…only sold 3 items over the weekend. My dresses may not mean much to most and may seem like a frivolous thing but they gave me a new outlook on myself and my life. They represent who I was, how much I’ve grown and what my future should look like. But now? It’s dead. I looked at my thinning closet on Saturday and it shocked me in a way I didn’t expect. It felt like a punch to the gut.

I have spent the last 18 months desperately searching for a job.
I have been out of work for the last 11.5 months.
I have had no income for the last 2.5 months.
I have no savings left.
I am down to one meal a day (plus coffee and juice).
I fear leaving the house because one ticket, one accident, one injury, one misunderstanding could take what little I have left away.
My puggo needs medicine for his ears (another ear infection). I haven’t been able to buy him flea and tick stuff in months!

I had one last ray of hope for a job that I’d had two interviews with and wanted and was told to expect a call for a third. Today I found out that this will not happen. Due to some shady shit happening with the head of HR, I won’t be getting that job. I have been crying non-stop ever since.

My bf is so encouraging and really believes in me. He insists everyday that something will come through in the nick of time. That time has run out. Even if I started a job today I wouldn’t have a pay check in time for rent.

Being out of work this long has fucked with my head so hard! No one understands! They think they do, they are all so well intentioned. People can’t talk to me without saying something condescending or dripping with pity. I fucking hate it! The endless unsolicited advice is the worst! There is nothing I haven’t applied for! Getting told over and over again that I am over qualified for shit is not helping! How can a high school dropout being over qualified?!?!??!?!?!

If hard work was all it took then I’d be running for president and Trump would be sitting here crying and considering selling his organs! I have worked so fucking hard my entire life and it’s gotten me nowhere! We’re only as valuable as our last hit, so to speak, and all anyone cares about is your current job. Everyone says I’ve done nothing wrong. I want to believe them. I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong. I don’t feel that I deserve this struggle, but life isn’t about deserving anything. In the end it doesn’t matter how good of a person you are, shit just happens. And I seem to be a shit magnet.

I am out of options and that is really fucking hard to accept! I have applied for every job I could possibly and/or physically do! This isn’t even about pride or career choices or paths anymore. Twenty plus years of experience isn’t worth a damn. I don’t want sympathy. I definitely do not want pity. I need a fucking job! I need a chance! I need stability! I really don’t know how much longer this can continue. Something’s gotta give!

All I have ever wanted was to live a life on my own terms, make my own choices and decide what is best for me. How the fuck did I get where I am now? What was it all for? All that hard work, all that time and energy…was it all for not? *Sobs*

Rad Fatty Love,
<3
S

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS  Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com
If you would like to give money to support this blog via paypal, you may do so here: http://bit.ly/1P2cZgO

When I began my journey towards self acceptance and self esteem, the term body positivity was not something I’d heard before. In fact, when I first heard of a movement in this realm at all it was called Fat Acceptance (Wiki: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fat_acceptance_movement). Something about those two words together felt radical and oh so right. Fat acceptance for me means to not only accept my own glorious fat body, but to further the idea that fat people should be treated equally, like any other human person. It is a movement based on autonomy. Plain and simple. Yet in recent years I have seen it taken over entirely (it seems) by “body positivity” and touted and the “It” thing to be and to use as a platform to tell people how they should live their lives and feel about themselves.

I’ve seen countless celebrities and fashion/style/brand bloggers use body positivity as a way to approach the same topics that have been discussed in fat acceptance for decades, but now on mainstream and social media. This isn’t necessarily a negative thing, but I do think it’s a huge compromise. Fat acceptance is self explanatory, IMO. Body positivity is more, I dunno, hands across america feeling. It looks alright on paper but it just doesn’t do anything but provide lip service and assign faux-authority to anyone with a glimmer of spotlight or a virtual soapbox on which to speak. Fat acceptance doesn’t have a leader or spokesperson. Body positivity has far too many.

It forgets the fatties! Seriously! Body positivity sounds all-inclusive, “Have a body? Come on in!” but that’s not the reality of it. The moment you use the word fat as a self-assigned identifier, you get a thousand comments of “You have fat, you are not fat.” but No actually I AM FAT AND FUCK YOU! I feel it erases identities that were hard fought and won in a lot of ways. It waters down the struggle fat people face in their everyday lives. Yes, all bodies should be treated equally, but they should also have absolute autonomy over their bodies. Body positivity lends itself oh-too easily to the “good fatty” archetype.

Fat acceptance has room for everyone, because fat can be intersectional with just about anything. Body positivity almost forces the idea that bodies should always been seen in a positive light. But what if you’re not wanting to love your body right now? What if you aren’t on the whole love yourself always trolley? What if you have a broken or sick body? Body positivity doesn’t represent what my fat body must go through in order to get proper healthcare and medical treatment. For me that is a major sticking point. It’s not just about all bodies, but it is about fat people in fat bodies being discriminated against in just about every aspect of their lives.

Yes, body positivity sounds like it includes everyone, but it just doesn’t. It seems more and more obvious each day (at least to me) that it really only includes smaller fats, average and below average sized folks, and typically younger than age 30. We get it! Millennials have things to say, too. Everyone has an opinion on the internet, obviously myself included, but it is becoming the norm for opinions to overtake history and facts and this is a dangerous thing! Fat acceptance has a history based in feminism and the LGBTQ* community and equal rights. Many have laid their lives on the line for the equal treatment of fat bodies.

Body positivity has room for fat people, but only up to a certain point. It’s mostly unspoken, but it definitely feels to me that body positive spaces do not want anyone over a size 24 to be included. And heaven forbid you point out that your size limits your access to everyday things like clothing, transportation and jobs! None of that sounds positive! But that is the truth. It is my truth. It is still perfectly legal to discriminate against fat bodies (in all but one state, Michigan, and two counties in California). It is no coincidence that it is harder to get a job in a fat body, let alone get equal pay and/or recognition for our work.

While progress towards equality has been made, the pace of that progress leaves many hopeless and impatient. I understand the attraction of body positivity as I have also in the past code switched to encompass and invite “all” but I no longer feel that broader intention to be honest. While I do think intentions matter, they don’t do a whole lot to help actual people. Body positivity feels a lot like the fat kid trying to fit in. And we all know that as long as you’re “trying” you can be seen as “the good fatty” and thus accepted on a contingent basis.

FUCK THAT! My fat body isn’t “trying” to fit into anything! My fat body doesn’t owe anyone a damned thing! Fat acceptance is about everyone doing whatever the hell they want without asking for opinions or permissions! It excludes no one because anyone can be for fat acceptance, regardless of size or shape. There is no attitude requirement, no need for proof of your worthiness, no affirmations or instagram challenges to deem you more of a fatty or body haver. Nope! Fat acceptance is a come as you are movement. It may be more known for specific acts of radical activism, but that isn’t something expected of anyone. There is no “good” or “bad” fatty and there is no right or wrong way to live in a fat body. Fat people have always existed and they always will.

Follow the money! Before you take anyone saying anything seriously, follow the money trail. (This blog is entirely self funded and receives no money from sponsors or other entities. You are welcome to donate to the operational costs it incurs annually, but no profits or gains have ever been made here.) Who benefits from this message? Who paid for this? Who’s sponsoring it? It’s hard to take anything to heart these days when the American Medical Association is funded by the Beef and Dairy Council (two things that are supposed to be killing us, right?). Everyone would rather point the giant cultural finger of blame on something, but no one is willing to simply accept people as they are. And to me that is what it’s all about…acceptance. Until fat people are treated equally, there is only so much that body positivity can do.

Rad Fatty Love,
<3
S

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS  Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com
If you would like to give money to support this blog via paypal, you may do so here: http://bit.ly/1P2cZgO