I have had insomnia since I was twelve years old. I was getting bullied pretty bad every day at school. The anxiety of knowing what the next day held, what route I could take to avoid my bullies, where I could sit at lunch to evade them, kept me up at night. Of course, I couldn’t really connect the dots at the time, it’s crystal clear to me now. Prior to this, I would wake up eager for the day to begin. I recall walking to school with wet hair and arriving with it frozen solid in the winter, living only two blocks away from my elementary school, and in California, this was quite a feat! I would dash off to school excited to see my friends and find out what the day’s curriculum might be. So, you know, junior high really sucked!

I don’t think my life, or sleeping schedule, ever fully recovered. Even after the bullying stopped, my bullies were a grade above me and thus no longer at my school, my sleep just always sort of suffered. I started to use caffeine for the first time, Pepsi being my beverage of choice then. And then over the counter sleep aids, such as Unisom and Sominex. This continued for years and years, at seventeen they told me that the sleep aids likely stunted my growth, but I still don’t buy that. When I was fourteen, I remember sitting on the floor of my room with my best friend and my dad sitting on my bed on either side of me. I popped a Unisom and swigged it down with Pepsi. Only the bubbles caught up with the pill midway down my esophagus causing me to pass out for a few seconds. We laughed it off pretty quickly but it did give me pause later.

This was the era before Ambien and Lunesta, so it never even occurred to me, or I guess my dad, to go to a doctor about it. I spent the next five years of my life in a near-hostage situation with my abuser living in my family home and when we moved elsewhere it only worsened. Sleep wasn’t even a notion in my head by that point, not when surviving and one day escaping was all I could think about. As my abuser was also an alcoholic and an abuser of many different recreational and prescription drugs, his schedule was as erratic as his behavior, at best. I learned to go without sleep, relaxation, a sense of calm or any semblance of safety. The trauma of surviving would shape my brain and sleep patterns for the rest of my life.

Years later I worked in music and had a flexible schedule, which helped my sleep problems. After I met and moved in with my then-husband, it took years before I would stop waking up in the middle of the night, having to stare at his face beside me to be certain that he wasn’t my abuser. The nightmares were so vivid and intense then, too. I continued to use over the counter meds, leaning most heavily on Melatonin supplements, as I had a fear of dependency that I still have today. So, even if something did work or help, I would stop taking whatever it was for random stretches, to be sure I wasn’t “hooked”.

Soon I had friends who started taking Ambien, but then they also started to share bizarre stories of lost time, strange scenes in their homes the next day, and the infamous Ambien Walrus.  That was enough for me to stay far away from seeking a prescription for my sleep troubles, even in my adult life. I had sort of come to a truce with my insomnia. As my schedule became more reliable, nearing a 9-5 stability at work, I gave up on sleep aids entirely. Instead, I started creating schedule based rules for myself. Like no caffeine after 2 pm…that was a tough one when I worked at a corporate training facility. Ha-ha!

I’ve tried so many things over the years all in order to get a good night’s sleep. I still rely on melatonin (I get gummies now, passionfruit flavor from Target – SO GOOD), and Advil-PM when I have pain, but I’ve also learned that my activities, foods, and how I wind down at the end of the day also impact the quality and quantity of sleep I am able to achieve. Yeah, achieve, because it feels hard-earned at times, ya know? Some other things that I use and have helped me personally (though everyone has their own suggestions and advice)…

Aromatherapy: I use a linen sleep spray from The Body Shop with lavender and vanilla scents
(I am dying to try the new one from Lush, but cannot afford to at this time, let me know if you’ve tried it and what you think)
I use a few drops of peppermint and grapefruit oils in my shower to relax and revive me, depending on time of day and mood

Sounds: The best earplugs I’ve ever used were from a cheap Japanese housewares store called Daiso for $1.50
I absolutely and wholeheartedly recommend the podcast, “Sleep with me” like seriously, it works! It’s just this guy, Scooter, who tells very boring stories. That’s it. It works, I used it for like two years! You can find it anywhere you find podcasts.
Now I listen to the Classical Relaxation Station on Pandora with a sleep timer for 60-90 minutes. It helps, but your mileage may vary.
Lately, when I find that I’m not quite tired enough to get in bed, I’ll put on Planet Earth II on Netflix. David Attenborough’s voice is soothing and I love animals. I have also listened to Alan Watts talks on YouTube while in bed, he had such a nice voice.

Comfort: Pajamas! OMZ! I never got the pj’s thing until I just did. Comfort is everything, and sometimes that means no pajamas at all. I have the constant battle of loving how chemise and camis look versus waking up with both boobs hanging out of one strap/armhole. Ugh! So now I stick with a t-shirt or more snug tank style tops and actual pajama bottoms, which I never used to do.
Sheets also affect our comfort and sleep. For me, microfiber sheets make me feel sweaty, so I stick with 100% cotton.
Your mattress also makes a big difference. I have tried so many, from traditional to pillow topped to Tempur Pedic… now I have a hybrid: part memory foam, part coil, all awesome! Traditional coil mattresses made my hips stiff and sore when I woke up, the Tempur Pedic was awesome, but if the temperature is a concern they can suck (and mine died before it should have). The hybrid gives me the best of both worlds and I’ve had it for two and a half years. Also, consider keeping your room cooler than usual, that definitely helped me stay asleep, though it did take longer for me to warm up and thus relaxed enough for sleep.

Also, consider, if you are able, using your bed/bedroom exclusively for relaxation activities (sleep, sex, meditation, letting face masks dry, etc) and keeping the lighting dim and warm to help aid your bedtime. I recently changed the LED string lights around my bed area (my bed is like built into a wall/box…it’s weird) from white to red, and I gotta say it has helped! Dimming your phone screen or getting an app for sleep purposes helps, too. If I wake up in the night I have a compulsive urge to check the time, so this way it’s not a shock of that bright light in my face. Be kind to your eyes. Having a regular bedtime really helps, too, as your body will start to naturally want to shut down once used to a steadier schedule.

If you are a heavy snorer or know that you wake up many times throughout the night (or have had a partner tell you that you stop breathing), please consider getting a sleep study done. I know there are some stigmas about sleep apnea, but as any medical professional can tell you, it is definitely not just fat people who have sleep apnea. I know just as many thin/smaller-bodied people with c-pap machines that have improved their sleep and quality of life as I know fat people with them. I hope that you will take this seriously, it really does make a huge difference. It will take some time to get used to, but once you find a set up that works for you, you’d be surprised at how much better you can feel day to day when you’re getting better quality sleep.

Most of all, try to make some time before bed to unwind. Journaling has helped me in the past, but I struggle to now. Stretching can also help get your body ready for bed. A nice warm shower is my favorite, and it forces me to pay better attention to my skin care. Sometimes my body is tired but my mind is all a-buzz. This is when reading a book really helps, as I find it only takes a few pages to a chapter to make my eyes and mind feel more relaxed. I also love challenging puzzle games on my Nintendo 2ds as I can control the brightness of the screen and often get frustrated with a tough level and want to switch it off. Ha-ha! A nice cup of herbal tea is a great way to unwind and gives you a chance to get lost in thought as you go through your tea making routine. I love a nice chamomile with a light citrus aroma or zest added. I love peppermint tea, but I tend to use it when I am more stressed than not.

As life so often gets in the way of our self-care needs and quality of sleep, it’s so important to make time for yourself, to soothe yourself in whatever way works best for you, in order to rest your mind and body. You can’t run on empty forever, nor should you attempt it. While not everyone needs 8 hours of sleep to feel rested and refreshed in the morning, we all need sleep. Even when you have a routine, it never hurts to take a look and assess if something can be improved or removed. Your body needs rest to repair from the stresses of the day, and your brain needs that deeper REM sleep to defrag all of the bits of info we absorb with or without trying. I hope you find what works for you. And may we all find our most peaceful slumbers.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S
Please take a moment to select the type of content you’d like to see more of on this blog. It is a brief poll with a comment box at the end if you have anything to share. Thank you so much in advance! https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/XZX5933

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Self-care gets derided for it’s fluffy, privileged, often spa-specific references in the media. I want to talk about how self-care looks different for everyone. Because it does! You can be flat broke and still practice self-care. It’s way more than facials and blowouts, it’s more about the here and now and what gets you through and soothes your soul. What helps you feel grounded and calm in the face of stress or when you’re too exhausted to cook for yourself, that’s self-care!

Self-care is often things we know we need to do, for ourselves, but gets put on the back burner over and over until everything is simply overwhelming. Work, offspring, partners, housekeeping, and caretaking for others, but what about you?!  How do you stay in touch with friends, build or maintain meaningful relationships, pursue your hobbies or passions, or even just cut your damned toenails?! I mention that last one because there is a big difference between going to a spa or salon and getting a full-service pedicure, and keeping your own personal hygiene up to date. I was putting on some socks the other day and got a look at my toes and just felt sad. I didn’t have time to do anything about them being longer than was comfortable as I was getting ready for an interview. Once I did have some time, later in the week, I took care of my tootsies and I felt so much better!

Everyone is different and I am in no way suggesting you ignore medical recommendations. Always check with your doctor or other care providers before starting something new or changing your current treatment plan. I have PTSD, anxiety, depression, and who knows what the heck else, but I am self-diagnosed and thus unmedicated. I have found things that help me feel calm and grounded over the years. I also now can recognize the signs of a panic attack before it happens and have even been able to prevent them if I can act in time. For a long time, I didn’t know what was happening, though, and it’s terrifying. A panic attack is your brain telling you you’re dying or in severe danger, usually at very inconvenient times or places.

A big factor in my self-care is staying mindful of how I’m feeling in body and mind and doing what I can to stay calm, regardless of where I am or what I’m doing. Something that has helped at work, when things really start to hit the fan, is to go to the restroom or a private conference room (so no one can see in) and doing power poses. Think superheroes and Olympiads! It sounds silly, but it does work. Scientifically, these poses trick your brain into shifting away from the tension and stress you’re feeling at the moment. A former colleague was famously walked in on whilst mid-posing by their interviewer (they got hired).

Self-care can also be taking a mental health day when the world feels overwhelming. Self-care can be using a mobility device to help you on a tough physical pain day. Self-care can be turning off all digital and internet-connected devices for a few hours before you go to bed. Self-care can be eating comfort food, or eating a more balanced and colorful meal to entice your senses. Self-care can be anything that soothes you, calms you, gives you space to breathe, to feel more grounded and ultimately, more yourself. Self-care isn’t a uniform thing, it’s anything! Self-care for me is often just talking to my best friend, or lately, it’s been writing for this blog.

When I was suddenly, unfairly, and unexpectedly fired in October, I was in shock and forgot to take care of some vital things. I let my driver’s license expire. I also let my medical cannabis recommendation expire. My unemployment benefits payments were greatly delayed (over a month!) and thus I had to prioritize my driver’s license, obviously, over the medical recommendation. The result of which I hadn’t truly considered or even recognized the impact until just last week. I had been using a cannabis oil based vaporizer cartridge to medicate myself when things felt overwhelming. I know there is a lot of stigma around cannabis usage, but I am well-informed and work hard to educate others on its benefits and uses. I am not a “stoner” in the traditional sense by any means.

(Please note: The word Marijuana has racist roots used as propaganda in order to outlaw Cannabis and Hemp use in early 20th century America, because of this I do not use the word and insist that others stop, too.)

Cannabis has helped me in more ways than I’d previously realized. For one, I only medicate using Sativa based strains, as Indica strains make me feel paranoid and self-hating and too tired to do anything but chill out. Sativa strains allow me to focus, feel more calm yet motivated, without feeling high or sluggish. I used to explain it this way, my brain is often like a browser with sixty tabs open and running all at once. Sativa strains allow me to close at least half (if not more) of those tabs so that I can remember to take care of myself and get the things in my life done. This became unbearably clear to me when I was going through my “stash drawer” (really it’s where I keep my dog’s ear medicines and my spare checkbooks). I came across a jar of cannabis flower bud (about an 8ths worth) from over a year ago that I’d forgotten about. I had had a long and draining, though overall positive, day and needed to rally to get some things done around the house. With only a small amount I felt so much better and even took my dog for a walk.

That probably sounds pretty normal, like why would I even need cannabis for such a small thing. Well, the truth is, I hadn’t taken my dog for a walk in two months! We have a yard and he runs around there a bit, but other than picking up his poops, I hadn’t spent that type of quality time with him. That first walk was magical for us both, he looked like the kid who found the golden ticket, and I felt like my old self again! When we got back home we both felt great! Cannabis, specifically Sativa for me, allows me to be calm enough to not let the paranoia my PTSD has created as part of my mental foundation to function where it would otherwise interfere. I was staying home, avoiding the world, feeling like I needed to protect myself from “outside”, but that isn’t the real me. That’s trauma still fucking me up over twenty years later! I have since walked my dog every day for the last week!

The trouble is that while I’m only using a tiny amount of cannabis each day, and even though I no longer need a medical recommendation as it’s now legal in California, I’m still broke as a joke and cannot afford to continue once I’ve run out. That will be the end of this week, most likely. I have taken him on walks in the past without medicating, of course, but it is a very different experience for both of us. I’m naturally overly cautious and suspicious of all strangers, thanks to my PTSD. Our walks are shorter and far tenser, without either of us really enjoying it. I am really hoping I can find a job very soon so that I can regain control over my symptoms, not only through cannabis but also by having and maintaining a regular schedule in my life that a job would require.

When I am working and feeling my best it is often because I have found a balance in my work and personal life. What that looks like is different for everyone, but as I also struggle with not eating and falling into unhealthy behavioral patterns relating to that, a job forces me to eat at certain times every day and to interact with people. These are vital for most humans, but for those healing from trauma, it feels doubly so. While my PTSD symptoms are mostly gone or under control, no matter how much time passes, some things can come up or come back. I no longer wake up in the night not knowing where I am or expecting to see my abuser laying next to me, but I do still have nightmares and can wake up near panic. Other times it’s a constant sense of needing to look over my shoulder, avoid being in public or crowded spaces, or just needing to be alone for awhile.

There is no timeline for healing from trauma, there’s no one way to practice self-care, and only you know what is best for you. Trust in yourself, be mindful of how things and people and substances make you feel. Even social media can feel like too much, it’s okay to unplug for a while, unfriend people, or to delete your accounts. It doesn’t mean you don’t care about the people you’ve connected with there. It just means that it isn’t something you need in your life right now. Everything is temporary, no need to hold onto things that make you feel bad or gross. You’re an adult (I’m assuming, forgive me!) and can choose what is and isn’t allowed into your life, even the digital one. That is also self-care!

I think we’re so afraid of appearing weak or needy or bothering others and it’s ridiculous! Asking for help, let alone accepting it, is so hard! I am still struggling with this, so much. Even if you haven’t experienced severe trauma or don’t have a diagnosis or condition you’re living with, the responsibilities and stresses of life are enough for most of us to feel run down and overwhelmed. Prioritizing your self-care is so important for your health, mental and physical. There is a myriad of ways and resources on the subject, but I hope you find something that works for you. You deserve to feel like your best self, or at least supported in that pursuit, at the very least. You’re worth it!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB!
And my hashtag #DateMyDamnSelf on Instagram if you feel so inclined

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

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Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

I also have an Instagram I’ve finally started to actually use: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

I think it is a very healthy and important thing to recognize the things and people in your life that you’ve outgrown. Often this doesn’t happen, though, and we find ourselves conflicted or in conflict with those things. Sometimes it’s obvious, but often it’s far from it. We will avoid things, facing them, because we don’t know or can’t acknowledge what it is or why you’re feeling a certain kind of way about it if you can even get that far. We often ignore our gut feelings about things in the name of manners, courtesy, obligation, and societal pressures. It makes it very difficult to move on or grow in this world.

Some of you have specifics in mind already. You know deep down what is no longer serving your life’s purpose, path or journey. Maybe you have a negative ninny in your life? A job that feels so heavy and pointless that you want to run screaming from the building every day? A friend who only calls you to complain? A person you’ve shared your life with that no longer shares theirs with you? A career path or dream that no longer lifts you up as it once did? A relative that leaves you wishing you were an orphan? There are so many things that just no longer feel right anymore, to me, to you, to everyone. It’s a natural thing, mind you, for things to run their course. The hard part is acknowledging it, of course, but then to take action. Okay, maybe even just deciding that action is needed, even before you get to what that action should be.

I guess most often this is in the context of a romantic relationship, but I think friend breakups are toughest. Sometimes there isn’t even an actual breakup, but just a break or a tapering or ghosting. I’m not sure what’s worse, but they all fucking suck! Family shit is hard, but I think most just stay entwined or under the spell of obligation, guilt, and shame. I’ve never believed the whole “blood is thicker than water” bullshit. Humans are human, flawed and terrible, fantastic and incredible. We will push others away without realizing it. Our behaviors towards them may change before we’ve even identified our feelings about them. We may begin to hide things or stop sharing things with them.

I have said before that the best way to tell how you really feel about someone deep down is that first instant that their name pops up on your phone, be it for a call or text or email. It’s such a quick thing we often ignore or shake off before acting, by answering or replying. Think about it, though, how does that moment feel? Try it. The next time anyone calls or texts, don’t act right away, just look at the name on your screen and think about what you’re feeling in that moment. I’ve often suggested changing contact names to what that person makes you feel. So, instead of “Pat”, you might change it to “Belittled” or “Insecure” when you know that isn’t who you are or want to be.

Of course, no one is perfect. Perfection is a myth, in my opinion. Only you know what is right or wrong for you. Creating healthy boundaries is a mature and awesome thing to do! That can be telling your mother that you will no longer engage in conversations about size/weight/diets/food/etc or an ex you no longer want to be mentioned. It can be setting an expectation together with your spouse or partner so that you both are on the same page and can act accordingly. Unexpressed expectations are dangerous and detrimental! I spent years and years in relationships where both parties held the other to expectations that were never spoken. Nightmare!

Consider open dialogues over ultimatums. I have never been a fan of ultimatums. Ultimately it only forces someone to make a choice on someone else’s terms and that just doesn’t fucking work! Life is never so black and white. When dealing with actual humans, emotions, struggles, baggage, trauma, survival, abuse, love, etc. you cannot force a decision or timeline. You can appeal to someone and communicate your needs and feelings, but if an ultimatum is what you’re considering, I ask that you simply walk away entirely. You cannot help or support someone by forcing them to choose something that doesn’t align with what is best for them. You can say why, of course, but demanding a choice be made is unfair at the very least (damaging and abusive at worst).

What’s great and okay is to read books and blogs on interpersonal relationships and communication. It’s healthy and awesome to seek counseling and therapy and more support in your life overall. You deserve to feel safe and supported in your life. You get to decide what that means and what that looks like for you! It’s pretty rad! I mean, what other point in being an adult is there?! Find a quiet moment to be alone and think about what this means for you. Paint a picture of what you want in life, what fulfillment looks like, what a good balance might be for you. Then think about what obstacles lay in your current path. Can you remove or change those? No? Can you correct your course to move around them? When you consider all that you’ve been through and have become as a result, how does that person or thing or relationship or environment fit in?

I think everyone and everything that comes into our lives is meant to teach us something. Though many of my life’s lessons have been learned through brutality, that hasn’t always been the case. It is sometimes through gentleness and love that I found that even the best of intentions can still hurt. That control can come in many forms and rarely do we believe that we’re attempting to control others, even when it’s pointed out to us. Sometimes we don’t realize how much has been taken from us or how long we allowed someone to shrink our lives around us. My last relationship was fulfilling in many ways, but I couldn’t shrink myself to fit into the box they wanted for us to live in and I never will.

Ultimately, to find and live your most authentic life, you have to decide for yourself what is right and necessary. It will be painful at times, as all big changes often are, but know that you are worth every ounce of effort and energy to find that path for yourself. It’s your journey, it’s your life, you cannot change others or make them see from your perspective, but you can remove them from your life. It doesn’t matter how long or how involved, if they are not lifting you up or helping you to grow, they aren’t supporting the life you want to live. So live it! Love it! Be the you that you know you want to be! It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of you, their opinions are none of your business anyway. You will soon find that what aligns best with your life and dreams will be attracted to you naturally. Go get ’em!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB!
And my hashtag #DateMyDamnSelf on Instagram if you feel so inclined

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (and updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

I also have an Instagram I’ve finally started to actually use: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

I sit here wondering if it is just easier to do it this way, to sort of date myself. Exhausted by the ceaseless emotional labor demanded of me by any potential suitor reaching out through numerous dating apps. I ask each, regardless of gender, “Do you call yourself a feminist?” and their responses have all been the same, save for one (okay now two and I met the second Last Night!). I joke with my friends that I’ve become a sort of feminism 101 professor through these interactions. As many people as I have talked to through these apps, I have gone on very few actual dates because of this. It is the word of the year for fuck’s sake! My new motto:

Get with the times or get left behind!

Oh, that one, with the right answer? They were a great date! Like, a real and honest, nearly traditional, sit-down date. At an Italian restaurant no less. The date was filled with dazzling conversation that left me with great hope for a future date with them. They’ve traveled back home to visit with family for the holidays, but we have loose plans to see each other after the 3rd. They are brilliant in mind and conversation and a talented artist from what photos of their sculptures they shared in their profile. We discussed everything from UFOs and ghosts to body dysmorphia, art, sci-fi and video games. The food was divine and the company so great, I was sad to see it end but it had to.

I probably approach dating very differently than most. A friend recently insisted I was being unreasonably discerning by my declaration of a date wearing white jeans as a major red flag for me. It may sound shallow, but I assured my friend that someone who can comfortably and proudly (they were actually trying to impress me by wearing them) wear white jeans out in the world would have zero understanding of me or the lifestyle of the working class. It was a horrid date, something out of an old Seinfeld episode it felt like, but we all have our horror stories. Ha-ha!

I do not think it unreasonable in the least to insist that someone I might invite into my life, or bed, see me as an equal and whole human being. The fact that anyone in the world thinks this to be even remotely too high of a standard can fuck right the hell off! I refuse to be complicit in my own oppression. You wouldn’t expect a gay man to date a homophobe! Many cis-gendered, hetero males feel women owe them their time and attention, regardless of how they treat women in general. I will not stand for such nonsense, especially in my personal life, nor should anyone.

Feminism is not a dirty word. Feminists don’t hate men. Feminism is for everyone! Misogyny hurts everyone! Anyone who rolls their eyes at the word feminism/feminist is willfully ignorant and quite frankly a selfish and misguided asshole, period. Unpopular opinion? Perhaps, but I do not care one bit what the popularity level of my opinions are. I’m not here to appease or kiss asses, never will be. I’m living my life for me. I am creating a life of my choosing and creation. The folks that insist they are “good guys” aren’t. They just aren’t. That is not a thing! This isn’t an 80’s cartoon, good guys vs. bad guys, no. Not even close. This is me trying to protect myself from those that would harm me.

When I tell men (I date all genders, but get more messages from hetero cis men, currently) that the leading cause of death in men is heart disease and the leading cause of death in women is men, they often laugh or try to laugh it off. They don’t want to live in the real world. They don’t want to see women as equal and whole humans. They want to live in the world they feel safe and in control of. THAT IS NOT MY WORLD! I live in reality and I face it every time I leave the house. I know I can’t control everything, nor would I want to. Control is a falsehood, change is inevitable, and everything is temporary.

I will never be the grateful fatty, happy to gain anyone’s romantic attentions. Fuck that! I will always insist upon more. More than the typical, more than the expected, and please, far more than superficial. I would rather be alone and independent than stuck in a one-sided relationship again. Nothing feels lonelier than that. Besides, I already have the unconditional love and companionship of the most charming gentleman I know…my puggo!

So what does it mean that I want to #DateMyDamnSelf? It means I will put in the time and attention to myself when I go out alone or with friends, that I would for a potential date. It means owning all that I have and being proud of it because it is true! It means enjoying my alone time, practicing self-care, being a better friend and spending more quality time (as in walks and new experiences) with my puggo. It also means calling out folks who claim to be something that their actions prove they are not. I will only socialize with unapologetic feminists, regardless of romantic intent.

I have been struggling, but I am feeling so much better now. I have had a few loved ones in crisis lately and supporting them has made me feel seen, too. It seems my unabashed honesty and ability to see patterns and through other’s fake bullshit is a blessing after all! Ha-ha! Seriously though, this week has proven to me in a multitude of ways that there is no need to ever struggle alone or in silence. Reach out! You may have support and love in your life you didn’t previously recognize. Speak up and let someone know what’s on your mind and in your heart. People want to help, they want to support, they want to connect and love you. Let them, accept that you’re worth it…YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WORTH IT!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB! And now my #DateMyDamnSelf on Insta, because why not?! Please, join in on the fun!

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I also have an Instagram I’ve finally started to actually use: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

“You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.”

When you read this it will be nearly a week after it’s written, and that is only if you read it the day it is published. I’m sitting with some complicated feelings today. I awoke feeling pretty good, but then just felt nothing. I went about my usual morning rituals of ablutions and espresso with milk and honey, and today a special treat of sourdough toast and real Irish butter. I have a pretty consistent issue with access to wifi/internet at home and was not in the least bit surprised to find it down once again. Luckily my landlord was home and able to reset the router fairly quickly. I was able to finish the movie I had watched all but 25 minutes of last night with my BFF, she’s in Wisconsin at the moment. (The movie was “Bright” and in my opinion a hot mess, but I’m a snob.)

As I checked my social media apps for updates and messages I was fortunate enough to catch up with someone I feel deeply connected to, but we are both powerless, currently, to our life’s paths and thus it is the only way we are able to stay in touch. They confided in me some recent struggles with suicidal ideation. My heart hurt at the thought, but my soul knew all too well what that feels like. What was most upsetting is how the people in their life treated them when they confessed what their friend had saved them from doing. I thank them and that friend infinitely for keeping them here, I know it is painfully difficult. Theirs is a light I am not sure I could bear being extinguished.

They said that they have better support now, committing to getting better and are on meds and supplements now. They’ve begun the next steps of hopefully removing themselves from their current and likely very toxic environment. I am in awe of their maturity and strength (they are very young but ahead of their peers by far). I expressed my love and support and offered a speedy extrication if needed, though I live some 4-5 hours away. They may be moving as far as one can whilst still being in the same country. This breaks my heart most of all. I haven’t seen them in five years, but they’ve always felt near to my heart. I wish with all that I have and am that I had the means to take them now and keep them close to me always, but that is not in the cards for either of us today or soon enough to matter.

I share this as I reflect how I was feeling nothing and then feeling helpless and then more complicated things about being alone in the world and feeling it so for the first time in my life. I am okay with it, though, truly. It’s just, well, it makes it even more difficult to relate to others. The time of year plays a heavy role in this. I cannot escape it, even when I don’t leave the house for days. I don’t even know how I feel about any holiday now, I think I feel nothing, but it seems as though I should feel something. What can it mean to be alone in the season of togetherness and not feel a drop of sadness over it? I suppose it’s a sort of self-preservation. Everyone is out of town or busy, as society dictates we all must be. Where does that leave the orphans, spinsters, outsiders, and others?

“I have come to believe that caring for myself is not indulgent. Caring for myself is an act of survival.” Audre Lorde

I had spent the last five days in pajamas when a former coworker and now friend reached out last night to offer to put me on “the list” for a fun drag show with a holiday theme/story all told through Dolly Parton songs. I’m not a big fan of Dolly, though I find her delightful in a general sort of way. I didn’t think I knew but two or three of her songs, but I found I knew more than I realized. I took the invite and opportunity to get dolled up myself and though I intended to keep my product usage to a minimum, and I succeeded in that, I was also really feelin’ myself and got quite caught up in it all. You see my skin has been freaking out lately and I keep having a mystery reaction to either stress or an allergen, who knows. It makes my eyelids swell and the skin on them rough and red. I only use hypoallergenic eye makeup now, so that is what I stuck with last night. It turned out splendidly and I threw on my gold sequin skirt, a simple black top, black tights and my cherished black doc martens.

I made it up to San Francisco in time for the show, but finding parking proved to be the ultimate challenge. A wrong turn forced me into a fifteen-minute traffic jam at Union Square, not where I wanted or needed to be. Driving seems to be a relentless test of patience these days, at least in the Bay area. I finally found fairly reasonable paid parking ($15 in SF is a damned bargain, especially for a Saturday night!), and only needed to walk two blocks to the venue. Me being my ultimate and most authentic self-got lost whilst on foot…twice! We all have our hidden talents. Ha-ha!  I made it to the show thirty minutes late, but stopped at the bar at the front of the house for a drink and to catch my breath. As I ventured into the theater entrance I was quietly greeted by two sparkling drag queens, larger than life itself, in the dark as the show had started sometime before. I was hesitant to move, but they insisted intermission would be soon, and then offered me a seat in the front row if I didn’t mind it. Mind it?! It was the best seat in the house!

The show was fantastic! The queens were effervescent, classy, filthy, glamorously trashy and it was all I could have hoped for! My friend was the stage manager. During one song with a Hanukkah theme, the curtains at the center-back of the stage parted and she appeared as a light-up, head to toe menorah! I was crying tears of joy at the sight! As she danced and twirled with the other character on stage my heart sang! She may not be a drag queen, but she is a queen, indeed, to me. I called her my 90’s fantasy in the past and confessed that to her after the show at the bar. I am very grateful to know her. I had had a couple of cocktails, but it was the beauty and power and honesty and humor of the show that made me feel hyper and giddy.  It is a rare thing for a social setting to leave me anything but completely drained after. This one was very special and I felt what I imagine a true extrovert must: exhilarated by it.

“You can’t pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself first.”

I sit here wondering what to do with myself. I have job things lined up towards the end of the week. What do I do today? The “eve” of the “big day” for most. What do I do tomorrow? A few days ago I posted the following on my personal FB page:

I’m unable to give gifts to anyone this year and that has been humbling and difficult to accept. I can’t even buy supplies to make handmade things.
I can, however, provide to anyone who wants it, my ridiculous and hilarious and often awkward af company and will happily share my birthday wine stash, too! I have no plans on my calendar, except job interview things. The coming weeks are tough for everyone, so let’s lean on each other a bit.
I can teach you how to do basic crochet, bring a karaoke mic to your house for some fun times (it Bluetooths to a phone, so cool), be your personal cheerleader, take your pics (even boudior if you’re so inclined – all genders welcome), show you my manicure tricks, help you cook or make something, bore/dazzle you with my endless supply of useless information, and so much more!
Act now! Supplies are not limited, though my sanity might be! Ha ha ha ha! 

A few friends commented with interest, but I hold no expectations for concrete plans. I’m sure that sounds terrible, but it is a rare thing these days for even solid plans to come to fruition. I have reached out with invitations of all manner of things, but being this broke and people knowing the terrible time I’ve been going through, I think that there is some natural aversion to my company. I can smell pity before it shines on the faces of those who care for me. I want to be seen as whole and good, fun and valuable, independent and kind, but also be there for others most of all, because I am going through a tough time, not in spite of it. So I stay home today, and for the foreseeable future, in order to not spend money and not find more disappointment and despair. Netflix and the puggo are much more agreeable company than the pitying and masked faces who now cannot help but feel above me in some absurd way. I lost my damned job, not my bloody soul!

It sounds pathetic to claim no cause for celebration, so I suppose I have at least my own existence and survival to raise a glass to. I’m not sad. Nor depressed. I feel physically well, I slept great. I am dreading having to go to the grocery store and have put it off, likely foolishly. I cannot go today or tomorrow, that would be a trigger for a panic attack for sure with the stressed and distracted crowds and drivers out. I have frozen things to sustain me, and a few fruits in my fridge to get me through. I’m not worried in the least. I’m not much, as far as feeling anything. Not now at least. I’d very much like to be drunk and happy and dancing the night away, but everyone’s already left town and nothing will be open. So it’s a party of one, filled with stubbornness and a tiny kernel of hope that the good I have done in the world will find a way to shine its light on my life once again. That’s more than I had two months ago.

I hope this post finds you in good health and spirits. If it does not, and you feel it, please reach out to me or someone you care for. There is no need to suffer alone in this world, regardless of the pictures I paint with my words here. I am not in despair and will be okay. You will be okay, too! You will. I trust in you to be. *Hugs*

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB!

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (and updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

I also have an Instagram I’ve finally started to actually use: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com