Hello!!!

I have something wonderful to share with you.

My BFF, Michaela and I have just launched a new podcast called, “Fat As Fuck” and I’m so excited to share it with you! We just released our first episode, so we get into the who and why and what our podcast is really about.

Here’s a teaser for episode one:

FAF Episode 1 TEASER

I hope you check it out, follow via your preferred social media and podcast apps, and let us know what you think and what topics you’d like us to explore. We’ve been friends for ages and if you’re reading this it’s semi-likely you’ve already heard her voice on my first podcast for this blog years ago. We laugh a lot and hope you’ll be laughing along with us.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB!
And the hashtag #DateMyDamnSelf on Instagram if you feel so inclined

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (and updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

I also have an Instagram I’ve finally started to actually use: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

I’ve just listed some treasured fatshions for sale on eBay!
These items are new with tags, ModCloth and Eshakti
Just trying to get some grocery money.
Check out my items here:
https://www.ebay.com/sch/dietpills/m.html?item=173126450225&rt=nc&_trksid=p2047675.l2562
(Please forgive the username, I’ve had it since the 90’s, it’s the title of a fave punk song.)

Feel free to ask me questions here. The gown I have listed I have two of, identical.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB!
And my hashtag #DateMyDamnSelf on Instagram if you feel so inclined

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (and updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

I also have an Instagram I’ve finally started to actually use: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

The last few weeks I have been busy as a bee interviewing for all the jobs! I have also been spending a lot of time in my head, for better or worse. Mostly just processing things and supporting friends and doing my best to be better support to myself. I am in a good place, mentally and emotionally, even physically I feel pretty great lately. I have also gone on a few dates, even got stood up once. While I’m perfectly good with being single, and have immediate hopes or plans for changing that, it’s been a nice distraction from the day to day.

Because I don’t have a daily routine as a job would require, I haven’t been wearing makeup except for interviews and dates. I enjoy the process of putting on makeup. I like the time and attention of just focusing on one thing, and the end result is FABULOUS! I also enjoy the process of getting to know folks through dating apps. I know it’s not for everyone, but I find people interesting, for the most part.

I’m just me, interview or date or not. I don’t get nervous about such things anymore. I just show up open to whatever happens. I have my own set of personal rules in any scenario and they keep me safe and sane. I’ve enjoyed some great conversations and have learned a lot. Even when things don’t work out, I don’t take it personally. This is a huge step for me! Ha-ha!

I had been forgetting to take pics of my outfits before interviews and dates. Last night I had a 4 hour interview, followed by what turned in to a 4 hour date. One of my rules is to end a date on the 3 hour mark even if things are great. It keeps things exciting but not exhausting, often I don’t have to check the time and things wind down naturally. Last night that was not the case and I broke two more of my personal rules and I am glad that I did! (I don’t give out my number until the second date and I don’t get into someone else’s car until I know them and am comfortable with them.)

This time I remembered to snap a few selfies in between interview and date since I was keeping the same outfit on and my makeup didn’t require a touch up. I’m glad that I did! I might be in love with my double chin as a result! Ha-ha! This dress is my interview staple. It’s whimsical, professional, colorful and genuinely makes people happy when they see it. It’s from Eshakti and was my birthday gift to myself this past year. I get stopped on the street by strangers when I wear this dress, so it feels lucky. I had never worn it on a date until last night, though. It worked out great!

We met up at a loca museum and as we were winding down our art perusal, I asked my great date to snap a pic of me in front of The Gates of Hell, by Rodin. I LOVE THIS PIC!!! And I may now be a fan of Rodin. We found a bust he created that looked as if Patrick Stewart and Putin had a love child. Ha-ha! Also found a small but full body sculpture of Balzac that looked exactly like one of my all time favorite british actors, Matt Berry. It was a great date!

So great that neither of us really wanted it to end when the museum closed, so we headed to the cheesecake factory nearby for drinks…but then they insisted I eat and that they pay. I was very upfront about my feelings and situation (financially and being a feminist), but they instantly understood and genuinely wanted to just continue chatting. It was a blast! I’d never had someone open up to me so quickly! We talked about some heavy stuff, but we just clicked and that’s rad. I told them about my 3 hour rule and we both laughed when we realized it had already been 4. Rules are made to be broken, I suppose. We have another date next week to check out the second building of the museum we didn’t get to catch this time.

My interview yesterday also went really well. It’s hard to tell with these things, but I was able to offer some specific suggestions on how they might improve and streamline some of their current software and processes. They seemed impressed, but I no longer get any hopes up for jobs or dates. Ha! I loved seeing the office, though. They had this gorgeous saltwater aquarium in their waiting area I could have watched for hours. The culture there seemed like a great fit for me, but again, who knows?!

I don’t really have a point to this post, but just wanted to share what I’ve been up to and the ridiculousness of life and my adorbz double chin and that I’m still here. Thank you so much for reading. I had hoped to get some content suggestions through a survey but didn’t get but one response. So please comment! And as always…

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB!
And my hashtag #DateMyDamnSelf on Instagram if you feel so inclined

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (and updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

I also have an Instagram I’ve finally started to actually use: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

I did not catch the Golden Globes last night on t.v. I had completely forgotten about them and thus forgot to set my DVR to record. Part of me was disappointed to have missed it, it seemed like an important thing, but now that I’m seeing some of the things that came out of the ceremony I am glad I missed them. With one exception, Oprah’s acceptance speech. When I was checking my notifications on Facebook this morning I couldn’t help but see quotes from her speech over and over again in my feed. So I watched her speech and I was deeply moved. There were a few takeaways that felt especially poignant, but one shone brighter than the rest.

“What I know for sure is that speaking your truth is the most powerful tool we all have”
Oprah Winfrey, 2018 Golden Globes speech, accepting the Cecil B. DeMille award.

I believe that speaking your truth, sharing your story, is the most powerful thing a human, but especially an oppressed/abused human can do. It reclaims our voices, it connects us to others, it inspires others to speak their own truths, and the cycle continues. It took me a very long time to tell anyone about the abuses I survived. Before I spoke my truth, I began to write it down in a private journal. I had hinted at things with my then-husband, but he also survived abuse and it was difficult for him to open up about it or to hear what I had been through. It was easier to just know without truly knowing.

It wasn’t until after I opened my cafe, and started this blog, that I connected with a customer who I always had the most interesting conversations with.  She was working towards becoming a psychologist, but we mostly talked about women’s issues or human connections in general. I don’t recall what specifically prompted me to share my story with her, but it felt like time had stopped. It was just she and I in my cafe and we had been talking for a bit when I finally said, “I was trapped in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship from ages 14 – 19.” with a flippant tone in my voice. Her face was shaped by empathy and compassion and an interest in hearing more, but she was so gentle yet encouraging that more just flowed out of me.

I had spent so many years pretending that nothing had happened that for a very long time I didn’t know how to talk about it, even what words to use. That day in my cafe I made a decision, though unconscious, but it was the most powerful choice of words I may have ever made. It was the first time I said, “My abuser” instead of an ex-boyfriend or some other such term. My abuser. That is what he was. My abuser. That is how I reclaimed my voice. My abuser. That is how I found a way to share my story without blaming myself because I finally understood just how common abuse is. My abuser. I finally felt that it was okay to share, to not hide from, my story. By making that choice of words I realized that it was never my fault, I did all that I could to survive, and that I was worthy of goodness for the first time in my life.

I have moments where I wish that things were different. I wish that I had had access to therapy and support when I finally escaped the abuse. I wish that I had told my friends, that had been pushed away years before when we reunited what I had been through. Instead, we were simply happy to be together in the big new adult world we were all thrust into and thus turned to partying together as a means of bonding and exploration. It was just easier. Being nineteen is a strange time, a great time, but far too open to feel grounded or tethered to anything. I placed myself in compromising and risky situations because that was all I had known until then. I allowed myself to be used and discarded until I couldn’t anymore. Those people didn’t want to know me, to hear my truth, or to even see me as wholly human. It was something I needed to do, I suppose, in order to find a way to a new life and sense of self.

Sharing my truth with a complete stranger allowed a light into my soul that had never seen anything but darkness. It guided me to so many opportunities and friendships. It brought people and their stories into my life and I am forever grateful for that! We all have a story to share, a truth to bare, and maybe don’t have the words yet. That’s okay! Maybe you think no one wants to hear it, as I once did. I can assure you that this isn’t the case. Often people simply are afraid to make matters worse by even bringing things up. Many want to hear and will bear witness and support you, given the opportunity. It is hard to tell, though, who those people are. I have been told by those I love that they do not want to know. My ex-husband eventually asked to hear it all, but it was towards the end of our marriage and I think he may have regretted it afterward. By that time I had been sharing my story on my blog and had better practice at it.

Every time I share my truth, my story of survival and even my current struggles, it lightens that burden and I feel a little freer. I feel less alone in the world, less helpless and afraid. We do not have to suffer alone and in silence. I feel that we are in a new era of women finally getting heard after millennia of being silenced. When our experiences and struggles are heard and held in the same esteem of men in power we will finally have equal footing in the world. Until then it is up to each of us as individuals, regardless of gender, to listen to those truths, to share our own, and continue this cycle of human connection and strength and vulnerability. There is a great power to be reclaimed and to heal ourselves within this. I have great hope for the future because of it and I hope you do, too.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S
Please take a moment to select the type of content you’d like to see more of on this blog. It is a brief poll with a comment box at the end if you have anything to share. Thank you so much in advance! https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/XZX5933

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB!
And my hashtag #DateMyDamnSelf on Instagram if you feel so inclined

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (and updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

I also have an Instagram I’ve finally started to actually use: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

I saw the above image with the text, “2018 Goal: Stay calm in all situations.” and I was immediately irritated! Ha-ha! I’m sure the intention of the text isn’t for us to aspire to be emotionally stoic robots, but damn if it didn’t feel that way at first encounter. It reminded me right away of a time when I worked for one of the largest and most worshipped tech companies in the world. I was on a lunch break in my usual dark corner of the cafeteria and had received a text message with sad news. I usually read a book while eating, so I’m sure my facial expressions were ever changing. The following day I was lectured for 45 minutes by my immediate supervisor for looking sad and was instructed to compartmentalize and to never appear emotional at all ever. UGH! Infuriating!

I’ve often gotten into hot water in work situations for caring “too much”, but I now see it as an asset. My intuition has steered me clear of many of life’s pitfalls, though certainly not all. People trust me and come to me for a variety of reasons, but my honesty and compassion are usually at the top of any list. It is difficult to remain honest and empathetic, let alone compassionate, in a large corporation or your typical office politics filled environment, but it is why I am so good at what I do. I wear all the hats, help anyone who needs it, and make things happen! After wrapping up my ninth phone interview for the week (whew!) I have had to talk about this and myself so much that it no longer feels like a sales pitch (yuck). It’s not bragging if it’s true, if it’s your actual reputation, and you can back it up in a heartbeat.

What about when the shit hits the fan? What about when your personal or professional life is falling apart? What about when you lose someone? What about mental health issues? You have no obligation to remain calm in the face of personal or professional tragedy. You do not have to be the calm face of serenity when life throws a bushel of bullshit in your face. You just don’t! You’re a multi-faceted individual, not a robot! People fear emotions because they feel the need to be in constant control, that’s not realistic. It’s certainly nowhere near an authentic existence. We should be supporting each other instead of shaming one another. Ugh!

The very concept of being expected to hold it all together, to appear calm in the face of danger or dramatic life shifts, is just wrong! Our brains are wired by nature and our environment. When it reacts to something in our world that brings about emotion, we should be paying attention, not tamping it all down or bottling it up. That is a recipe for eventual disaster! Our brains and bodies react to stress to ensure our survival. It’s not about appearing weak or unprofessional (fuck that!), it’s about finding the power and strength in our vulnerability and persevering in the face of life’s roadblocks.

“It’s okay not to be okay” was such a tough lesson for me to learn. It’s no coincidence who first brought that phrase and song into my life, as it was my dance partner, Tigress. I had been let go from yet another job and facing this new and scary thing that was our first dance performance. It was the first time I’d be on a stage in 17 years! I was fucking terrified! Tigress got it, but she insisted that it was okay and you can just be not okay when you need to. Hearing that was such a game changer! We chose that song by Jesse J for our first performance and we’ve been performing for over five years together now. Her friendship continues to broaden, inspire, and bring so much goodness into my life.

I was talking with my BFF about some major life changes they’ve been working through. They’re moving to another state and leaving their job. We have supported each other through so much in life, though we live so far apart. We’ve been there to cheer each other on through moves and divorces, breakdowns and health crisis, but at every turn, it just never feels easier. And ya know, it doesn’t necessarily have to, either. They were powering through but feeling that depression would soon seep in and I just knew exactly what they meant. My response?

“Sometimes, when depression is tapping me on the shoulder, I’m just like, ‘Hey dude, what’s new?!’ and kind of just fucking embrace it like an old, holey sweater. Sometimes it’s just easier and almost helps me get through in a weird way.”

“This is why I love you! LOL” They replied

“Probably the worst advice ever.” I said

“Nah” they said

“New big shit is hard. Depression is familair and I can navigate the uncomfortable things because it will just feel like regular coping. Is that the most fucked up?” I half jokingly, but really not, responded

“LOL! No! It makes perfect sense.” they replied

There is something so perfectly, nonsensically, and necessarily human in falling apart. I no longer see it as something to fear or be ashamed of. Every time I have fallen apart or broken down it has been the best thing in the end. It leads to a purge of old ways of thinking and an opening to new things and people. It is both an end and a beginning. It is brutal and beautiful. I say embrace the hell out of it, knowing that growth and a better you will be on the other side. Baby steps are perfectly fine. One step is great! More will follow and you will get through it. Just don’t hide from it!

I hate how society treats human emotions. It’s not weak, but it’s branded as weak because of those who are truly afraid of having an authentic feeling touch them. To be moved, deeply, within our very souls, must be a terrifying concept to someone who places far too much self-worth and stock in feeling as though they can or need to control every aspect of their lives. Baby, that ain’t living! That is living in fear, with only avoidance and shame as your defenses. *Shivers* No thank you!

I may walk a path others wouldn’t. I may make choices and decisions for myself that others would find mind-boggling. I am not here to live for them or to make sense, quite frankly. I choose human connection, deeper connections, over networking and appearing to have it all together. I don’t keep up appearances for others or try to hide my many flaws. If anything I almost flaunt what is “wrong” with me in the face of a society that would prefer I’m hidden away in shame and misery. I wear my misery like a badge of honor! I highlight my flaws with sequins and knit fabrics pulled taut by every lump, bump, and rolls of my body and mind.

We can absolutely choose to feel every feeling that comes to show up the way to our true path. We can create a life that serves to move us further along our journey and find those along the way that prefer to be authentic, too! We don’t have to fall in line or fit into something we had no part in creating or agreeing to try to be subservient to. Being ashamed or hiding from the softer or more difficult moments in our lives isn’t what will serve us in the end. People live with regret because of not feeling connected, and avoiding vulnerability with those they love. I think love, in it’s purest form, is a powerful and vulnerable thing.

Life may rarely seem to make sense, but it can teach us so much if we just choose to be present, and listen. That includes listening to our own intuition and being aware of our feelings, embracing and facing them, even when it may be frowned upon. There is no need to apologize for what is natural and necessary. You can shine a light on your strength and power by allowing whatever may come, just come. It’s okay not to be okay. And breaking down is just a way for us to find a better path to our purpose. Be you!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S
Please take a moment to select the type of content you’d like to see more of on this blog. It is a brief poll with a comment box at the end if you have anything to share. Thank you so much in advance! https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/XZX5933

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB!
And my hashtag #DateMyDamnSelf on Instagram if you feel so inclined

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (and updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

I also have an Instagram I’ve finally started to actually use: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com