Lizzo, “I think representation is my legacy,” she says, “and I think that everyone deserves to stand out. I think that everyone is beautiful, and everyone deserves to find their beauty… you’re worthy and capable of self-love, and it’s okay to be discovering that for your whole life.”

Mod Cloth recently interviewed Lizzo and you should really read it (it’s brief) but also click here to see her in a gorgeous rainbow maxi dress!

My love for Mod Cloth has been dotted with much disappointment, confusion, and occasional rage. Why do I keep coming back? Well, because they have items that suit my style, are quirky or just to find perfect thing to go with another thing that I already have. Often I cannot afford their clothes, but I love a good sale and I do occasionally treat myself to something nice. I was a sucker for their “Stylish Surprise” offers where you’d select, say, dresses and only your size and pay a flat rate ($15) and the dress you’d get would be randomly picked by them. This was so fun and exciting until I got TWO the exact same dress at once. Like, seriously?! C’mon!!! Though others have been splendid and now cherished items. Hit or miss!

I know the history of Mod Cloth and how they have relied and used fat community (at least locally for me, SF Bay Area) to further their own profits only to dump us in a hot minute. I know folks who were directly involved in those happenings at the start and it was heartbreaking to hear the personal stories behind all of that. And yes, Mod Cloth was acquired by Walmart not long ago and that is off putting to say the least. I have seen no changes since that happened, though. I still see the same designers and fun items coming in and while I rarely buy things, it is always a delight to add things to my wishlist.

Lizzo is that hidden gem of an artist that makes me pinch myself every time I watch one of her videos on YouTube. She is everything I have wanted to see in the world of music and more. She is a stunning person and a gorgeous black woman! Her style in fashion and vocals is fabulous! I draw much inspiration from her and love how strongly she feels about representation. Lizzo is also a fat woman with no fucking qualms about her body size! Even if her music isn’t for you (though that is hard for me to believe), her message and her personality are what we really need to see more of in this world, dammit!

I hope more fat women share themselves confidently with the world. Representation is so fucking vital! I hope more retailers, clothing or not, expand their offerings to accommodate and attract fat customers. I want to see an end to fat shaming in my lifetime…and I think it’s possible!

Content Warning: I mention and use images to discuss and take apart the things people attribute to being healthy or unhealthy, I do not believe these things as I explain below. My use of said images is meant to be sarcastic and in no way promotes this toxic bullshit, I assure you.

WHO THOUGHT THIS BS UP?! IT’S TERRIBLE! STOP!!!

“Health is wealth, and I’m broke, so that’s all I’m after! Ha-ha!” he said with a hearty chuckle after no less than three people stood around my desk talking about their individual and collective weight loss successes and how they each achieved it in different ways. I wanted to growl at them, loudly. There’s no use in reasoning with people like this. The one with manners then apologized to me for being so distracting. If only they knew how absolutely full of shit each of them truly is! Ha-ha! The “Health is wealth” one admitted they no longer eat dinner and only half the lunch portion they used to consume. The classier of the three gets just shy of evangelizing, “Keto! You either know it or you don’t, but once you start you’ll never want to stop, it’s brilliant!” It was all I could do to pretend to ignore the entire conversation just feet away from me. Internally I may have rolled my eyes so hard the southern hemisphere rippled. (Also, none of these three has ever been fat a day in their lives!)

There are things we go through in this world that cannot be put into words. Emotions, experiences, and while some words do exist, what does it truly mean and feel like to be in “awe” or “miserable”? As I reread what I had written back in 2016, I paused. I took a slow, deep breath. This isn’t unusual these days as I have been practicing this for some time in order to actually consider things before responding to them (rare in modern society, imho). I realized in this pause that I had had some tension building up inside me. That I had been getting grouchier in recent days without knowing why or really even questioning it. For transparency sake I will admit that I simply expected the constant numbness inside me which often precedes full blown depression to be the culprit followed by PMS, but now I think it’s marketing for Mother’s Day. Ugh!

Life is such a funny beast of a thing! When you think you know yourself, and I feel like I really know myself at this point, things happen or change and suddenly you’re meeting an ex downtown for tea. WHAT?! I know! SO not a Me thing to do. Shit happens, things change, you pivot or bail, whatever! Ha-ha! It’s good to surprise yourself, I guess. And, well, I guess I’m glad that I did it! So…what happened?

So, after I left my husband in 2012, I befriended a man I had met at a terrible BBW club. There was attraction, but it was more than that (always is for me).We didn’t ever actually date. We “hung out” and were “friends” but whenever things felt too serious for him, he’d bail and I wouldn’t hear from him for weeks. *Yawn* Long story short, after a year of chasing after the dumbass, I found some love elsewhere and left him in the dust. He moved away, I had moved one. End of story. Sort of. Really he has continued to text me every few months. Usually simple things like, “Thinking of you” or “I miss hanging out and having tea together.” nothing offensive. I have not responded to him with one exception in 2016 when he called my phone for the first time since he moved away. I was expecting a work call, I was at work, and picked up by mistake not recognizing the number. I was very curt with him, professional even, and ended the call quickly. It was also my birthday and I got drunk with some coworkers and on my train ride home I drunkenly text him demanding to know his intentions for calling and texting me before my phone died. Outside of that one day, I haven’t said a single thing to him.

Sometimes I would forget about him entirely. 6-9 months would go by and he would be the furthest thing from my mind. And then *TextNotificationSound* He’d pop up again. I would roll my eyes and archive the text, not wanting to block him which might inspire other means of communication. I saw in my blog’s stats that he regularly downloads pics of me from my posts, mostly old ones from right before I met him. He doesn’t even read what I write! Psshht! So he wasn’t even aware of my breakup last year or that I’d been with the same person for four years. So, not long ago he started to text me again. I thought nothing of it or him, to be honest. Mild flattery at best, mild annoyance at worst. Then he called my phone again and I didn’t pick up. Why should I? I’m not really into talking on the phone unless I have to for work things. A few days went by after that and I get a random text while in line at CVS one night, “You suck!” and it was all I could do to keep the tears at bay from my laughter!

Something about that “You suck!” text just tickled me! Talk about the long game! Ha-ha! I still didn’t reply, because why?! Fuck that. My life, my terms. Being single and living alone means I am beholden to no man (okay, my puggo and perhaps my landlord? Hahahahah!). Then a few days later a few of us were sitting together to get a project done by the end of the day and were supporting one another through the process. I get another text from him, this one full of regret and apologies, things he’s never said before. I was surprised, but firm in my non-respsonse. Until I read what he said to two of my coworkers. My bff/coworker “A” gave me the “Oh hell no, grrrrl!” look and went right back to work. Another coworker was all, “Maybe I watch too many movies, but you never know, what if he ends up being the love of your life!” and she looked so wistful and sweet that I actually fucking caved and text him back!

He was in town, but leaving in two days, and wanted to see me to apologize for how he treated me in person. I gave him hell, but agreed to meet quickly for tea near my work. I showed up hard as nails, ordered my tea and sat down. He walked in and I won’t ever lie to you here, he looked gorgeous! I kept my cool and insisted he say whatever he needed to and then I would leave. But you know that isn’t how it worked out, right? I’m not afraid of confrontation, and relished the opportunity to put this fool in his proper place, in the past! He gave non-apologies, I rejected each of them. I then called him out for being a homophobic racist and misogynist. He was shocked! He expected, I imagined, that I would be all starry eyed and sweet like I was back when. Ha-ha! Nope! While I had to explain some things to him, I pushed back and insisted he needed to get with the fucking times and read some books before claiming to not be the things I know him to be.

I want to give people the benefit of the doubt. I want to believe that people can change. I have only ever given one person a second chance when it comes to romantic relationships. That didn’t go well. I don’t intend to make that mistake again. And this guy? Oh. Hell. No. That doesn’t mean I couldn’t enjoy the moment or his company again, even if only for the short time at tea. Soon we were talking and catching each other up on life and family things and very naturally he asked if we could walk around the lovely little downtown area we were in. I was game, but I was on guard! We talked about all sorts of random things and then he said, “Sarah, I have been thinking a lot about moving back to the bay area to win you back.” I laughed loudly at this. “You said we were never together!” I nearly shouted before laughing a whole lot more. “Do I have a chance to win your heart back?” he inquired. “You never had it or wanted it until I moved on. You are not up to the challenge of even attempting to properly date me. You’d have to read so many books! Ha-ha! No, no, you couldn’t possibly! Ha-ha!”

We walked around and talked some more and he had asked for a hug at some point and I said no. He was confused but respected that boundary. Shortly after though, whilst laughing about something together, I grabbed him and kissed him. Curiosity got the best of me, what else can I say?! I immediately told him that it meant nothing and was not intended to imply anything at all and that I was just curious. He was in shock and happy af! Ha-ha! Then I gave him shit about his past behavior again. I did kiss him again before saying goodbye, but he understood finally that there was no chance for there to be an “us” now or ever. He’d asked if he could see me before he left town and I said no and explained that I already had plans.

The next day he text to invite me to lunch, but I’d woken up with a terrible headache and said no. He text me later to see if I was feeling better and I honestly was and my plans had been pushed back until later that evening so I text him, “Where are you buying me dinner tonight?” with a sunglasses emoji. He responded a bit later but with the perfect answer and to that I sent him a pic of me looking dramatic and glamorous (bottom-center pic below)! He replied, “Who is this model?!” *Barfs* Ugh! But I went and it was a fantastic meal, and honestly the conversation was enlightening in that I could feel/see the spell I had on him and it felt fantastic to finally not be the one pining away for someone. You’d think that would make me kinder to someone in that position, but no, I treated him as he deserved and he understood and admitted and agreed. He even took me out for gelato after dinner and we hit up this little boutique we used to venture into years ago and he bought me a pin of a pug I wanted. He walked me to my car, I wished him well and agreed that he could text the next time he was in town but that I would make no promises to respond or meet up again. At that we said goodbye and I kissed him one last time. He hasn’t text me since.

I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, my behavior or his. We do things that even we cannot understand why. In the end it felt amazing and powerful and exciting and ridiculous all at once. I’m glad I met up with someone I was once gaga for and confirmed that I have zero feelings for. While in line at the gelato place he said he understood that I had no feelings for him, but asked if I cared about him, even a little. “Well, I wouldn’t want you to get hit by a bus.” was my response and I saw in his eyes how disappointing that was for him to hear. I felt a little bad, but he refused to remember all of the pain he caused me and insisted that I should only remember the good times. He holds onto some fantasy version of a memory of me that never actually existed. He’s still stuck in a time that I was trying to escape from back then. He doesn’t see me as a whole, equal and completely amazing human being. He sees me as a beautiful woman, made for traditional trappings of which I have no interest in. He enjoys my sass, which is abundant, but he is not a worthy mate for me by any measure.

I had never done the running into an ex thing before. I don’t look to my past for lessons in life these days, I keep it behind me. I’m always suspicious of anyone from the past popping up with seemingly good intentions. It’s never what it was and is rarely worth the time or trouble to entertain. I don’t regret meeting up with this ex, I know now for certain that what once was can never be. I feel good about that, actually. I do not care for loose ends. There’s definitely no one else in my past that I would give the time of day to. So, this feels more like a closure that, while it wasn’t needed, it was kind of nice. And damn did I look great! His jaw dropped when I walked into the restaurant…my other “plans” jaw dropped later that night, too!

(the dress is from Eshakti.com and I’m in love with it! My glasses are from Coastal.com and the pearls are old but from ShaneCo.com)