TMI Tuesday!!!
Today’s TMI Tuesday is about communication in relationships. Nothing not safe for work or triggering that I can think of (but do let me know if you find something to be of issue). Please share your thoughts and experiences in comments; as always this is where the action happen! Ha-ha! I love TMI Tuesday, don’t you?
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I have talked quite a bit here about my own issues within my marriage. Hey, 13 years with someone, you’re bound to have some stuff come up, ya know? So I met up with an old friend and had a nice long heart to heart last Thursday. It was both a relief and a bit scary. I mean, it was nice to get some things off of my chest, but a bit scary when someone you’ve known for so long will say something in a way you totally get yet weren’t expecting. Ha! We’ve been friends over twenty years, we get each other, go figure! I value our friendship even more now as adults than I ever could have when we were a couple of ridiculous teens.
My husband, B, had been trying to get me to go fishing with him pretty much from the get-go. How he described it however was basically the reason I didn’t want to go. It sounded like torture! But then she explained why I HAD to go (she knows she can’t give me an option). Then she told me about a book that she says would have saved her marriage had she read it sooner. Saturday morning as I was opening the cafe, FedEx arrived with that very book! She’d sent it to me because she knew how much it would help.
So I spent most of Saturday at the cafe reading that book. With many interruption I read the whole thing in 3 hours. Not a long one, for sure. But man did it make a ton of fucking sense! It’s not that B and I were fighting or not getting along, but we aren’t exactly communicating or enjoying each others’ company like we used to and this has bothered me for some time now (as you may know already if you’re a regular reader of this here blog-a-ma-thing).
I’ll admit right now that at first I thought, “A book to help my marriage?! Oh brother, give me a break!” And despite the cheesy title and all, it has already helped! And B has promised to read it, too (I presented it as an option with no pressure). We even had a pretty deep discussion of our own that afternoon. It was interesting. I guess we’d been sort of not discussing things for so long that I never mentioned how much my views had changed about things. It seems a lot of my actions early on in our relationship still affect him deeply. So it was nice to talk it all out.
Ah, yes! The book! The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman (756 5-star reviews on amazon? Wow!). To break it down, there are 5 main languages that people speak when expressing love. Rarely do two people in a couple speak the same love language and so the book explains them and offers ways in which to figure it out and fulfill the needs of both partners in the relationship. I know this sounds pretty basic, but I can assure you that while reading it was describing my relationship, my friends’ and more! And what I love most about it is that you can put things into action immediately! You don’t even need the other half of your couple to read it if they don’t want to. It’s that good! ha-ha!
So, we will see how or if anything changes after B reads the book. I already see how it’s helped. So yay! And hopefully we will go back to having more of these deeper conversations because they really help. Just talking things out in a calm way, ya know? It’s nice! And so I already wanna loan my copy to two different couples I know! Ha-ha! But I won’t push it on anyone, I hate that!
What communication issues do you or have you had in your relationships? What have you done to try to help?
Wow. This is the second time this book has been recommended by people with opinions I value. I think I’m sold.
The biggest communication issue in my relationship is that I’m not really physically affectionate and I’m moody, while my husband is affectionate but has a hard time saying nice things or doing things for me. I take it really personally when he doesn’t clean up or ever (EVAR!) plan a date while I think I’m doing my part showing him I care by just paying the bills and making him food. From what my friend told me about the book, this sort of thing is what it hashes out so I think I need it!
Yes yes yes! It will be an eye opener for ya, I know it!
We have this book and it made a lot of sense. I didn’t think about the fact, way back when we were newly married, that he had his ways of showing love and wanting love shown and I had mine, and they weren’t always the same. What we struggled with, and still do sometimes, is how to bridge the gap and meet the needs of the other. Getting past the “Well if you love me why don’t you…..” and recognizing what he DOES do to show he loves me is something that has to be refined over years and it requires regular assessment. Being able to say ‘hey, I think we need to take some time to build up our relationship’ without being accusatory or throwing a tantrum to get the point across is something that I’m not good at and I’m working on it. Relationships roll along and the years fly by and its easy to get distant and not even realize it. Lately I’ve been trying to remind myself to start from love, to start from ‘I love this man enough to spend my whole life with him’, and not from ‘Here are all the ways that, lately, he’s irritated or disappointed me’. After 15 years of marriage, and knowing him for 23, I am appreciating in a new way the person he is, and that he is a wonderful man and my life is good because he is in it.
I was surprised by the possibility of how we think we’re showing our partner love is often time how we want them to show it to us. Blew my mind! And when it got to the part about gift giving (one of the languages) I knew this mattered to me more than I’d realized. Not bought gifts, but my guy used to make me little funny comic strips or doodles and notes. When he had a cell phone he’d text me sweet haikus. Now? Nothin’! Big difference! I realilzed through this too that this is how I show my love for friends: gifts! Nuts I tell ya! Ha-ha! Thanks for sharing your story here. <3
I haven’t read the book, but it sounds like I’ve been using the concepts for a long time, now! After all, I have had a surprising number of conversations with Mr. Twistie about something that have been prefaced by saying: Please don’t try to fix this. I’m venting now and if you try to fix it before I’m done venting, I will want to hit you.
I find that not only do I long to boot him in the head a lot less often, but he has discovered that letting me vent allows him to get ALL the facts that meander out in dribs and drabs as I rant, but don’t get properly organized until the steam has been released.
And I am slowly learning that when he’s got an issue, he wants someone to jump right in and help him fix it. I’m trying harder.
So now that you’ve gone along on a fishing trip, was it better than you’d expected?
Yeah, that’s part of it. Knowing what you want and asking for it up front is rad! Most people don’t even know what they want let alone need. But you two have been together for ages, too, so I’m sure you find your own rythms. (he-he, see what I did there? Music joke!)
Yeah, it’s taken us a long time to get to this level, but it’s been worth the effort.
And yes, I did see what you did there, you Terribly Clever Bunny. Hee!
Always worth the effort! <3
I swear communication is exponentially harder when in a polyamorous relationship of more than two people. Even after several years we still encounter communication issues, but we try to make time for a family meeting regularly (doesn’t always happen, but we try) where we share anything that needs sharing. We also all have Blackberries with specific chat logs for shopping and other things so we can let each other know if something is running out.
You know, I actually think this book could work for poly relationships, too! It’s really just about understanding people’s needs through new ways of communicating. The others don’t have to read it even. It would definitely help you understand things, at least. But yeah, time is always an issue! Thanks.
This book sounds like an interesting read! I wish there was a non-marriage version. I think trying to get my on-off “boyfriend” to read the the book (and he doesn’t like to read books, can’t focus) for the “information” wouldn’t go over well when the M word came up, haha.
Of course, long distance has a way of amplifying a lot of problems that are (in reality) pretty minor.
Hmm, yeah getting him to read it could be a problem. But if you read it I can almost guarantee it will improve things! Just understanding how people communicate their love needs really changed how I saw not just my relationship but all! Worth a shot anyway…but I thought you were done with that guy anyway? None of my business, but since we’d spoken last it seemed it was over. Either way, hoping things improve for you, doll! <3