Identity Issues
I struggle with identity issues, I think. Especially lately? I dunno why exactly, but I get sort of lost in my thoughts and forget that I’m me, or a girl or an adult or whatever, ya know? This whole being publicly fat thing? It still feels new. I still feel constantly challenged (even by my own husband sometimes) and forget that I’m still the same old me. It’s strange to write this out, but it’s true. I’ve always been quite careful with my online identity and try to remain the NotBlueAtAll moniker as much as possible.
I often feel I have lived many lives. Not secret ones, mind you, just separate. Because of this I often forget that one can relate to another. For instance, I grew up a tom boy for the most part. I loved to get dirty and play with cars and transformers and what not. Loved it! My best friend was a girl, and I envied her to no end, but I always felt different around her. I never felt I was an equal. I also grew up poor, this can make anyone feel like less than. And later, at age fourteen, I found myself in an abusive relationship that would last five years and change my life and my brain forever. Still feeling like an outsider? Yep!
At age nineteen I started all over again, from scratch (okay, nearly). I dated a lot for a year or so. Then after some dreadful breakups, I met my husband and we’ve been together just shy of thirteen years. All of these things feel like such separate parts of me. Some overlap while others stay very much sectioned off. Throughout my life, I never felt feminine. I never wanted the frilly things. In high school? Well, it was all about the grunge scene. When I did wear granny dresses they were combined with combat boots and plaid flannel shirts. I felt strong and sassy in those outfits. Talk about feeling empowered by fashion? I did! Whoa!
Now that I’m 33 and married and all of that jazz (own my own business, pay bills, yadda yadda yadda), I feel very disconnected from the various versions of me I was before. I am only now just venturing into wearing dresses again. I still have a hard time with this, actually. I prefer to wear jeans to work or pajama bottoms (but only at home). When I wear a dress I am overly aware of the visibility of my flesh. I prefer leggings, but have been trying to save up for nice tights. Even still, when I’m wearing leggings or tights, I feel like people will look directly and only at my legs. MY LEGS!!! ACK!!! I’m working on this because I love dresses, but I hate the chub-rub thang.
I guess I forget that I’m a girl a lot of the time. Sure, I’m fat or a fat, depending on how you look at it. I’m publicly fat even. I’m a fat activist. A fat friend. A fat sister. A fat wife. A fat auntie and more. I am known for telling it like it is. But because of this people often forget that I’m a human being beneath all of the fat. I have had quite a few of my readers reach out to me privately and I have so enjoyed getting to know them and listening without judging and helping when I can. What a blessing?! But I take a lot of that on myself. I don’t share it with anyone. I feel I have personally promised them privacy and anonymity. I don’t keep much to myself, but this I do with pride. And because of this I tend to absorb and dwell on what they have shared with me. It brings up a lot of my own personal issues. What I’ve been through and how I’ve gotten here.
Being so out and fat and all? Well, it’s rarely easy. I get pressed upon to defend things that shouldn’t require defending. I get ridiculous arguments for things and sometimes I’m too fucking tired to fight the good fight, but I do. I almost always do. I confront when need be and discuss when the opportunity arises. But sometimes? I forget that I’m a girl. That I want to be held and listened to and felt loved and welcomed. Please, treat those you love with kindness and kindness will follow you! <3
i sometimes suffer from the same thing, being so many different “people” at once. I was a tomboy in high school, i dressed like the guys in my highschool rock cover band. Like you said, it was empowering. No makeup. Now look at me. I love glamor and shit. LOL but you know what? i am evolving. that tomboy is in there; i still smoke cigars, drink brandy, and shred guitar with the boys. I do it in my dress! And I still feel power. Because now the power is inside me, not “in the clothes.” And the fat acceptance is also new to me, but you know once you choose that and can se the light; you can never go back baby. you eyes are open, and yea sometimes you are gonna need a day off from the fight. that’s ok, man. because you earned it. and having power like a male does not mean you dont need love and affection. you are more complex than just one person and one stereotype, love. you live in the moment, dont worry about the “identity.” just be present and give and take what you need at that moment xxxxx
You are my shero, girl, for real! What you do is what I dream of. You’d think in the bay area it’d be so easy to get a band together. But the scene is gone! It died and somehow won’t come back. Now it’s all 50 something dudes who only wanna do covers of old but-rock songs. UGH! You kind of represent all of the things I want to do but either haven’t been able to or hold myself back from. Sewing! OMZ! You have mad skills! I will make a garment this year, I WILL! But damn, it looks so hard. I can’t even figure out how to read patterns. Ha! Oh well, I’ll find my own way as per usual.
Thank you for being so supportive. You say a lot of things that make sense to me and strike a chord. I am so grateful that Beej told me about your fab blog! <3
ps- the chub rub is solved by using deodorant stick…rub it on the inside of your thighs! WORKS!
That actually has not worked for me. Bummer, but it’s how it is. I know it works for a lot of fats though. Thanks.
We’ve all had many different lives, and you’re just at the age when you can look back on some of the early ones & examine what they were & how they’ve helped you to be the person you are today.
The “girly” thing comes and goes: some days you feel like a dress, some days it’s grunge you need; again, EVERYONE gets those little tweaks.
Now – go out & find some really fabulous tights that will make you crave wearing a dress, not because it reveals your legs but because it SHOWS THEM OFF! If they’re attached to your body then they must be fine legs indeed, so flaunt ’em!
I really like reading your posts – keep ’em coming!
Thank you! You’re so sweet! And you’re totally right. I’m on a mission for tights now! Ha!
You’re right. It’s not easy. It’s not easy to integrate all the bits of one life into a cohesive whole. It’s not easy to change things about yourself, even when you want to. It’s not easy being the public face of a movement that is mostly misunderstood, vilified, and – at best – ridiculed.
But this sort of raw admission of how hard it is may be one of the most helpful things I’ve read in a while. Being this open in such a public forum is the sort of activist work that forces people to think about the humanity behind the ‘ZOMG! OBEEESITTY KRISISSSS’ rhetoric.
Being a fat human being in public is not easy, no, but it’s essential if we are going to make a dent in the public perception of fat. It’s essential if we are ever to get people connecting on a visceral, human level with each other.
So thanks for your courage, and your humanity.
You know, if we ever get together face to face (and we will!), we could totally be dress buddies.
Wow! This! I am (nearly) at a loss for words. Ha-ha! Thank you for being you, lady! You rock my socks on the regular. It is you and Kath and WithoutScene and all of the other lovely fats that keep me going. And heck yes! I wanna be your dress buddy! <3
Fact that people can evolve who we are over our life times can be one of our strengths! Think of what would happen if none of us never moved past middle school! Not say there are people out there like that, but rediscovering and reinventing yourself is the sign of a healthy self image I think. You are doing it consciously, and while there are always transition periods for this kind of thing, you will come out on top in the end.
I don’t know what else to say except…Thank you.