After years of frustration, trying to date and stay covid safe, and then reading a few articles about how these apps work, data privacy and more…I’m done! I just can’t be fucking bothered to care anymore. I kept them for so long, I think, to prove that I’m “trying” and haven’t “given up” or become “bitter.” Now I say fuck all of that! They are gaming us all and it’s a giant fucking joke that I am choosing to no longer be a part of. 

I never had a hard time dating before covid, like, ever. Sure, I’ve had the usual ups and downs of single life and relationships, but getting dates was just a thing I took for granted. Even after everything moved to the apps, I was in it to win it and did just fine that way for years. When covid happened I was fresh out of a short relationship that had made me realize that I had better standards than I used to and wouldn’t settle for the bullshit being thrown my way. I relished in my solitude, and `I still had my puggo then. Things were weird, but I can handle weird. I even found another brief relationship in 2022, but that one was a wake up call. I had had too many great first dates that quickly turned into love bombing. Like, expressions and demands of exclusion on date 1, exclamations of love on date 2. Yikes!

And then everyone collectively decided they no longer cared about the life risks of covid and carried on as if it never existed. Being of sound mind, I could not go along with the crowd or even gaslight myself into beliving anything had changed with covid because it still fucking hasn’t, it is in fact worse now than ever (and I don’t give a shit if you believe me, the data doesn’t lie). I started matching with people who seemed perfect on paper, but suddenly no one could offer more than a few consecutive, “Hi, how’s your day?” not even bothering to respond when I reply asking the same or new questions. I couldn’t understand it. Why match and message if you’re not interested in actually meeting up ever? Or they would say initially that they were covid safe, or even lie about specifics, only to then admit they lied and aren’t safe or caring at all about anything. 

This past weekend was another such person, though they didn’t start with lying, they immediately admitted that they no longer mask around others. I replied, “It’s never too late to start again!” and we talked for a few days on the app to measure compatibility, and on paper everything seemed right. We set up a date and then I got there and they flaked. Claimed some emergency that I knew was a lie and then unmatched me later on. So what the fuck is the point?!??! 

I’m convinced that no one is actually dating and we’re all just participating in this app nonsense and becoming miserable from it. Then I read an article about Hinge’s new terms of service and immediately deleted my account. In doing so and having to jump through the dark design hoops of these fucking things, “Are you sure you want to delete? Are you sure you’re sure? Really and truly and honestly sure?” I grew angry and realized that they are all the same with just slightly different wording and features. They are all based on the same algorithmic futility of everything online these days. I’m sick of it!

I dated the old school way in the 90’s. Never had a problem. I dated through AOL chat rooms back in the day, quite successfully. But these apps are not actually made for dating, only the endless illusion of a possibility of maybe getting a date, but it isn’t likely. I have met people and had relationships through the apps years ago, but something changed during that first year of covid that seems irreversible now. While the nihilist in me thinks it’s directly correlated to a mass disease that damages the brain and other organs and thus our collective empathy and cognitive abilities have greatly decreased. But can that really be it? Like, I genuinely wanna know but also I feel like, deep down, western society as a whole is in the shitter right now. 

Nope, it’s the apps. It is really the apps, it has made us all feel as though we must keep our options open when the reality is there are no options when everyone is keeping things open like this, constantly wondering if they can do or find better. They have made it so that dopamine hit from getting a match is enough to keep us in their game, but we get nothing out of it but that moment. I had inboxes full of matches on all of the apps, and I really had ALL of them, but no one could hold a conversation. So it’s futile. 

That last date flaking made me so mad because I had the tiniest glimmer of hope that I never truly asked for, only to have it dashed so pathetically. What really is the point?! Dates flaking has become the norm. I hate it. People ghosting is the norm. I hate it. People are fucking cowards. I hate it. I would rather someone tell me they are no longer feeling it or simply changed their mind. No worries, I get that. But the endless lies I have no tolerance for in my life. None. When you lie to someone you are revoking their ability to have an authentic reaction or experience in their life and your own, so what is the fucking point?! 

Covid is having the worst and longest wave we have seen since 2020. No, you won’t likely see much about it covered in any media because that is what media is now, nothing important and mostly propaganda to keep us distracted. In my area alone it has been up 395% for the last 4 weeks with no signs of it waning soon. I don’t go out much as it is, but less so during these big surges. So unless someone approaches me at work, the parking lot at work, or my apartment’s parking lot, there’s really no chance of me meeting any prospects now. The apps were my only way to meet other singles in my area. 

I am happy alone. I love my solitude. It allows me to be and feel things as I would naturally without the usual filter of others preferences or input or obligations or questions. I would like to share my life with someone, but it takes two to tango and I can’t magically conjure someone out of thin air. This isn’t some, “Oh the poor fat girl has low self esteem” issue. After that flaked date I got home and looked in the mirror aghast at how gorgeous I looked. For what?! To buy a lukewarm iced latte and sit in a horrifically uncomfortable chair only to find out they flaked and drive home?! No thank you! I mean it truly is a shame that with what I have to offer, and it’s a lot, that there really isn’t a platform or place or way to connect with people who are genuinely interested.

There’s gotta be a better way, right? When the person of my dreams is likely sitting at home feeling all of these same things, and there’s no way for us to connect… I guess we all just die alone wondering what if. I know there are in person events around the country in big cities growing in popularity, but they are mostly for under 40’s and typically very hetero-normative and very not covid safe. I’m not willing to risk my life for a possibility at a chance at maybe meeting someone in person like that. My long cpvid symptoms are finally giving me some reprieve, but I am still struggling. And I know that I wouldn’t be compatible with someone who isn’t as safe as me, it really is an ethical and moral issue for me. I want someone to have my back in the revolution, not lie about shit. 

So that’s it. 

The next soul who dares to pitch woo in my direction better be ready to write some fucking sonnets! Because my peace will henceforth be my top priority!  

(I am also seriously considering killing this blog at the end of the year. I don’t know that the archives would be of any interest or value to anyone. We have lost a lot of such content in recent years from our fat community and blogs of yore. It doesn’t seem that this blog is visited often enough that anyone would notice, though. I mean, I write for myself so it’s neither here nor there to me other than the annual expense.)

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I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

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