I have often said that the hardest things I’ve done in my life have also been the most rewarding. I’m speaking about my old career as a corporate trainer where public speaking was the norm. I would also do 8 hour workshops and create new things from nothing. So much hard work, so much pressure, but so very worth it! I am also talking about my cafe. Damn that was fucking hard as hell to pull off, but I have friends now that I know will always be there for me as a result. I feel proud of what I’ve accomplished and regret nothing in either of these examples.

I was lucky to have a stable relationship for the last fourteen years. Through all of the hardships and stresses and bullshit, I always had my husband to stand by me, to hold me, to keep me together when I came apart at the seams. The first two months after the cafe opened I would come home every day in tears from pain and stress. The first few weeks he’d even rub my feet and legs until the tears stopped and I could walk again. He often felt helpless when I would come home a mess like that. But he would ask what was hurting and try to take care of that part if he could. But things changed, we changed in different ways. I see that now. The hardest thing I’ve ever done is asking him for a divorce.

Now here I am at the end of my first week in my own place (sort of, I mean, I rent a room in a house). I’m hormonal. I’m emotional. Friends tell me it’s natural and good and cathartic. I find it to be quite stupid. I do not get much out of crying. I dislike it. I’m hardly one to bottle my emotions, but I’ve been accused of “holding it together” the last few weeks. Ugh! I thought I was letting it all out, man! And now I don’t know what to think!

I have seen my husband (and puggyman) everyday since the move. I have seen friends. I have gone to work on time like a good girl. I’m already 1/3 of the way unpacked. My room is looking lovely. I just discovered the joy of sitting in bed and writing on my laptop! I watched a movie last night and unpacked and arranged and while the movie was boring, I was sort of enjoying not worrying about waking someone up or being a nuisance to them. But it is scary. I can’t lie about it. I won’t, anyway. My husband said he’d always be there for me no matter what, and I believe him. But I feel like an asshole. I can’t say that I regret anything yet, it’s far too soon. I do feel that I made the right decision and I need to try to be on my own for awhile. But damn! I am emotionally fucking needy!

Not that my emotional needs were being met by my husband, but now I am solo. It’s just me alone in a room with my thoughts and hormonal emotions! I feel crazy! Part of me wants to run back and beg for forgiveness, but there is another part that won’t allow that to happen. I know I need to do this on my own. I know I need to be more comfortable in the world on my own. I know I need to seek out new things and experience the world and life and just be. But I am antsy! I want all the things right now! Ha-ha! I could never do those things with my husband. Not without the heaviest burden of guilt. Fuck guilt! Such a useless emotion! I’m done with being weighed down with that shit.

I love him still. That won’t change. But I can’t help but reflect on the relationship and see how he has closed himself off from me. How I would work on things and try to communicate my needs better, but it was like talking to a brick wall. He used to be so kind and sensitive and would talk openly with me about anything. But the last 4-5 years it was the opposite. I don’t know what changed in him, but it did and I was helpless to change it back. He grew more wary of the world as I grew more hungry for it. Soon even the simplest of my needs were neglected and I was no longer looking forward to coming home to that “stable” relationship. Stability isn’t everything. I thought it was. But I’d never known it before so I had to find out the hard way. I always find out the hard way. I was just telling Jeanette that I wouldn’t know easy if it kicked me in the teeth!

I need to get out and do things, but I’ve been so tired from the last month’s worth of craziness. I woke up with a sore throat today and I’m so not willing to accept it yet. I need fun! I need adventure! I need distractions! Ha-ha! I am trying very hard to take things one day at a time. Everyone I know is going through some heavy shit right now. I am here for y’all! You have all been so there for me, too! Thank you for that. I just have to find a way to stop thinking! Ha-ha! That is the real killer. My damned brain! *DeepBreath* We can get through this! We are strong! We are amazing! *BlowsKiss*