“Nobody, but you, is responsible for your life. It doesn’t matter what your mama did, it doesn’t matter what your daddy didn’t do. You are responsible for Your life. And what is your life? What is all life? What is Every flower, every rock, every tree, every human being? Energy. And you’re responsible for the energy that you create for yourself. And you’re responsible for the energy that you bring to others.” Oprah Winfrey (from her very last episode)

This can be a difficult concept for many to fully understand let alone believe or try to incorporate into their own lives. I’m actually a firm believer, but not fully there in practice yet. I work on it everyday. I notice it most, though, when around people who have no idea what energy they bring with them everywhere. Have you ever been at a friend’s or perhaps at a party and someone arrives and the energy of the entire room shifts? Not always in a negative way, mind you, but it definitely changes.

Last week my husband and I were having this very deep conversation, and it was almost like a stream of consciousness type of thing for me, but the phone rang and so I got up to pee while he answered it and we just couldn’t find where we were again, energetically, and so we dropped it. While having that conversation, though the topics were heavy and dark, I felt sort of energized or like I was tapping into something important. Once that phone rang (oh noes! The outside world!) the spell was broken.

It’s sort of like when I was a kid hanging out at my BFF Riana’s house all day long and then it began to get dark but we didn’t want our good times to end so we would beg our parents for a sleepover. We felt like there was just no way for us to pick up where we left off the next day, ya know? It felt like the end of the world. Like a big bummer cloud decided to park right over us and pour down it’s bummer-ness. Boo!

I find that as I become more mindful of my own energy and how I carry it with me, the more sensitive I am to negative types. I mean, I can generally make conversation with anybody, but sometimes I will be frozen in place by someone’s total negative vibes, man. It can feel suffocating. It can stop me in my tracks, literally! Yet I would probably never feel comfortable enough to explain that to them. How could I? Yet they affect me so greatly.

I do know that when I am feeling drained/low/exhausted/stressed, it helps for me to sort of check in with myself energy-wise. What made me feel this way? Can I do anything about it now? What would help? Is there a first step I can take to get the ball rolling? If it’s all no’s, then I breathe deeply a few times, listening closely to my breaths and try to picture something tranquil. It doesn’t always work, but it can help a bit. I’m not talking about severe anxiety/panic episodes. Just blah-ness or feeling rough in general.

How do you channel or use your own energy? What have you experienced in regards to others’ energy affecting you? I’d love to hear more thoughts and ideas on this subject. Thanks for reading! <3

(“Nice” King: Finn, get rid of her
Finn: What” No, man!
“Nice” King: She’s too loud and lumpy. I like smooth princesses. Smooooooth.
Lumpy Space Princess: I can be smooth. Finn, punch out my lumps!
Finn: What?
Lumpy Space Princess: I can be whatever he wants! I can change!
Finn: I can’t punch a princess!
“Nice” King: Ah! Finn! Just punch her! Let me see whats he looks like smooooooth.
Lumpy Space Princess: Yes! Hit me! Hit me! Hit me!
Finn: I’m sorry Lumpy Space Princess, I just can’t punch you.
Lumpy Space Princess: Are you serious? Fine. I’ll do it myself! *punches self*
Finn: Princess, No!
“Nice” King: Wait a minute “nice knight”, let’s see what she can do.
Lumpy Space Princess: There! How’s that? Better?)

Is there a more perfect demonstration of what we will do in order to fit in or to be desired or to please others? I can’t think of one. Lumpy Space Princess (or LSP to close friends), is a royal teenager in Lumpy Space. She is full of hot-tempered insecurity and emotions. She will at one moment tell you how lumping awesome she is and in a beat put herself down and try to conform to the smooth-er society. *sigh*

I have been just like LSP. She represents so much of my teenage years, for sure. (And not just how she talks! ha-ha!) And who hasn’t tried to be something they are not? I know I towed the line between good girl and bad in high school, at one point having two entirely separate groups of friends who never or rarely met. And there have been a few times in my life, like right now, where I feel like I am living two or three separate lives at once! It definitely seems to me that this is also what LSP is living with. If she weren’t, you know, like, a cartoon! Ha-ha!

I wonder how an LSP or other such teenage person would react to someone in their lives telling them how lumping awesome they are everyday or how they are perfect just as they are and that there is no need to try to beat up on their bodies to fit into some mythological ideal. To encourage someone to embrace their lumps, bumps, hair, stretch marks, fat, and everything else is to encourage positivity and individualism! And just think of all that could be accomplished if so many weren’t so distracted by self-hate?

(“21st century genetic engineering will not only eradicate the Siamese twins and alligatored skin people but you’re gonna be hard pressed to find a slight overbite or a not so high cheekbone. You see, I’ve seen the future and the future looks just like him. *points* Imagine, going through your whole life lookin’ like that. That’s why it’s left up to the self-made freaks like me and “the conundrum” to remind people.”
Scully, “Remind people of what?”
“Nature abhors normality, you can’t go very long without creating a mutant. You know why?”
Scully, “No, why?”
“I don’t either, it’s a mystery. Maybe some mysteries were never meant to be solved.”)

Why the random X-Files clip? Well, it’s from an episode titled “Humbug” and is one of my favorites. I think it presents an important point about nature and current society’s need/desire to change or intervene in the course of it. Certainly I have felt like a freak in many ways, but none so much as my fat body. While it’s been admired and desired, it’s also been demonized and shamed. I have embraced the power that being the boogie man can hold. I never felt this more than when I participated in Marilyn Wann’s flesh mob in SF a couple of months ago. The looks on people faces were priceless. The woman who said, “Shame on you” to me/us and my gut reaction to that. It was a powerful day!

The point of the video above is simply that we should be embracing our differences, not hating or demonizing or worse: cutting or removing or erasing or altering them! My purpose as an activist is to shed light on this and to point to ways in which we can spread this message and help people to stop judging and hating themselves and each other. It’s not such a bad thing. Yet “they” say we’re trying to recruit a big fat army or something. Ha-ha! We’re not! And we’re not promoting fatness as a lifestyle choice, it’s not (generally speaking). Most of us did not choose to be fat and have done everything we could to try to fit into a societal demand that nature just doesn’t agree with.

When you go against nature there are repercussions. Instead of harming our bodies with hate and medical procedures (is it still “medical” if it’s basis is harm itself?) why not embrace and celebrate the vast diversity that nature has given us all? Why not give ourselves the chance to blossom or bloom in the light of the sun and moon? Wiggle your toes (webbed or otherwise), jiggle those arms (or wings) and shake whatever you wanna shake, but enjoy and celebrate the wonderful body that nature has given us. <3

Last night I watched the last two episodes of “My So-Called Life” and can I just say how great that show is? Is! As in, it totally stands the test of time. Not was. I felt like it was just about to really explode and then realized that there were only 19 episodes. I was a little sad, but also semi-glad because some of the plot lines that they’d laid out would have been hella crazy drama later on had they continued (Ricky staying with his gay teacher, Bryan possibly getting confronted by Jordan…so much stuff!).

I see a lot of myself in the Angela character. A lot! Like that tug-of-war between the good girl and the bad girl. Oh man, that was me! My normal friends thought I was this wild child, while my newer and sometimes older and usually stoner friends thought I was this goody-goody. My friend Joyce is so the Rayanne character that it was sometimes hard to watch the show. I’d forgotten about her sleeping with a mutual friend of ours and how much that hurt me until something similar happened on the show! And how many times did that happen to me? Too many! I’d share my crush/love/lust for some guy and next thing you know a very good friend is sleeping with the lug. *sigh*

That last episode was made of butterflies in your stomach and yearning for something true. Jordan Catalano, as played by still hotter than lava Jared Leto, just fucking dug into me with his eyes made of pure blue crystal wonder. I mean?! Whew! I needed that glass of wine while watching that one, I tell you what! And poor Bryan Crakow, who wrote a love letter for Jordan to give to Angela to make up for his indiscretion with Rayanne, when Angela confronted him about the letter? That moment, that was some heavy, amazing shit!

But you know which character felt the most authentic for me? Ricky Vasquez. Not only did it make me think of my BFF J, but also of some of the boys I hung out with in Jr. High. One in particular, well, I hadn’t a clue at the time, in fact I had a mad crush on him for the last few months of 8th grade, but I sort of gave him a nickname that I am hoping didn’t stick. We were in a play together and well, he was so dreamy (in a nerdish-preppy way) I couldn’t help but crush on him. One day during rehearsal, he jumped off of a platform on the stage and well, he had a flair to it and I dubbed him Tinkerbell. I didn’t know he was gay. But he is gay. I haven’t seen or spoken to him since and I can’t help but wonder if that innocent and flirtatious nickname had a negative impact on him. Come to think of it, he signed my yearbook “Tink” so I don’t know! I feel awful now, but honestly I hadn’t a clue! And I can’t just say, “Hey I’m really sorry I did that…” because what if it didn’t matter to him at all? What if it had a positive impact? Oh well.

You see, in Jr. High I hung out at “The Homo Tree.” I didn’t know it was called that until many many years later. But it was sort of a nerdish group of misfits and freaks that couldn’t hang anywhere else I suppose, though we had a nice setup of benches around this huge glorious oak tree. A couple of the other boys from the “Homo Tree” I found out later were gay as well. I didn’t know gay from anything else at the time. I was pretty out of the loop, as it were. But I adored them all. We were a bit of a tight-knit group back then. I wonder about a couple of those guys and gals from back in the day. I guess that’s mega-normal. Curiosity and all. Those people touched my life though. And they witnessed the many beatings I took throughout 7th grade as it usually happened pretty dang close to the “Homo Tree.”

Watching “My So-Called Life” brought back a lot of memories. A lot of fashion memories, too! Ha-ha! I love it! It’s so good. It’s so well written that there were moments when I forgot these kids were actors! I cared about them. I wanted Jordan and Angela to find a way to work it out because damn, we never seem to get THE one we want in high school (I never did). And the Jordan character was so many guys I dated back then. *shakeshead* So many memories! And I was rooting for Bryan, but he knew he made the bed he now had to lay in. So good! I can’t even…You should just watch it! It’s on Netflix instant watch and probably everywhere else you can watch things.

I wasn’t prepared for how it would make me feel or the memories that would come flooding back. So many friends that seemed so close and dear and important that I haven’t seen or heard from since 9th grade. It’s life! I think the course my life took after 9th grade, well, it’s no wonder I had forgotten all of these things. But in a way I am glad to have those memories back now. And I am so grateful for the two friends I still have from back then. I just wish I could find my friend Summer. I do hope that she’s okay.

Here’s to hoping you have a wonderful weekend, no matter what you are or aren’t doing. Just relish in the existence of it. *Hugs* I love you all! <3

So, I’ve been watching “My So-Called Life” on Netflix streaming. I never watched the show when it was originally aired (from August 25, 1994, to January 26, 1995), but I think I may have caught an episode once. Anyway, I’m watching now since it seems such a part of pop culture and I actually  I wouldn’t like it, but was pleasantly surprised. The thing is, it’s almost a guilty pleasure. Well, in that I can’t watch it when my husband’s home (I know he’ll hate it and I am a little embarrassed) and maybe I just prefer to watch it alone and revel in all of that old teenage angst.

The things in this show?! OMZ! I’m only on episode 13, but holy shit, y’all! Had I seen this show? Well, it was created too late to make any impact on my life when it would have mattered, but just wow. This is going to sound so cliche, but I can’t believe how much like Angela I was! And her friend Rayaan? So my friend Joyce! The boys, the booze & drugs, it’s just there. And while my first guy was no Jordan Catalano, he was every bit as dreamy and cold and pushy and a guy as that character. I just watched the episode where he’s all pressuring her into having sex with him. I lived that, dude! Only my guy was 18 and from France and well, he was the spitting image of Jim Morrison. I’m hoping that Jordan & Angela find a way to work it out and all, but I did what she didn’t. I finally gave in. I thought on my own terms, but in retrospect it was just terrible and fuck I should have waited. Does everyone regret their first time? Ha-ha!

It also brought up a lot of the same feelings I had when I was first considering opening my own cafe. That fear and anxiety and angst (Oh the angst!) and just wanting to fight the man and all. Yeah, I’ll never stop fighting “the man” but shit, this show is feeling so good right now. I mean, even the Ricky character? He is so my BFF Jery it’s a tad scary! I can’t wait to see what happens with him joining the drama club! (My BFF Jery is an actor, dancer, choreographer, blogger and writer…did I mention handsome, too?!) I feel 14 again watching it, in good and bad ways.

And the clothes?! OH MY GAWD YOU GUYS!?!?! I’m dying for these red boots Angela wears and some of the amazing plaids they had back then?! This is like almost twenty years ago and I’m reliving the glory of high school I never had, ya know?! Fuck it! I’m going head first into this baby! Ha-ha! But life is feeling a bit like that right now anyway. It feels like we’re all transitioning into some new phase of life or whatever. I dunno how to describe it. It just, well, there’s lots of stagnation and major changes happening all around me and suddenly things just seem fucking possible again. Like in a real way!

We get into these ruts and routines and we don’t stop to look at the world and enjoy it. The rain was spattering my glasses as I walked out of a discount store this morning and it felt metallic and gritty and I enjoyed it somehow. It just felt more real than anything else has lately. I just have all of these ideas and there’s so many awesome people in my life I just feel like something big is going to happen. Something fantastic! I hope so anyway. I hope something positive and major happens. Fuck knows we all need some of that!

I am asking you, as a friend and confidant, that if you know someone who is thinking of doing something that sounds risky or sudden or too big to handle? Cheer them the hell on, will ya? For me! Give them practical (not critical or harsh) advice or offer your support if you can. Just, you know, encourage them! I was encouraged by my friends and husband and I did what I thought I could never do. I know had I been left to my own devices I would have talked myself out of every single step of getting there. Be kind. Give love. Be you! <3