I’m an avid eBayer and have been for, well, ages. It is my go-to for things I want/need but can’t pay full retail for. I have no problem buying used items most of the time and I was looking for some new lingerie on eBay and was somewhat surprised with what I found. While I understand that some find “foundation garments” to be necessary while others will recoil at their mention, I am not talking about Spanx here, peeps…Nope, I’m talking old school.

I saw everything from panty girdles and waist cinchers to full body shapers and panties with booty inserts. The full spectrum of body shame lay within these “foundations” and while my personal experience with them is limited, my view of them is that of body hate incarnate. I just can’t see it any other way. These contraptions are damaging to the body and the mind. Most of these things were new…with tags! these are no anciet relics, unearthed from bowels of grannies basements, no these are still manufactured TODAY! And all I gotta say is: WHAT THE HELL?!

I had in my mind an image of sexy lingerie for fatties. Satin and lace and frilly little numbers, peek-a-boo whatever and ruffly booty shorts. Those were there, don’t get me wrong, but what I couldn’t shake were the “longline” “full-body” and “power shapers”…Power? UGH!! Some of these things, I wouldn’t even know how to get into, let alone out of. Hooks, snaps, straps and all manner of man made materials, all in the name of “I must not appear fat!”

And can I just say that I never want to hear or see the word “Flattering” ever again?! It’s just fucking code for not fat!! I am over that shit like WHOA! I know we’re a rare and fabulous bunch to be so self accepting and to use and love the word FAT, but it makes it that much harder when faced with the old bullshit baggage of yore.  Also, it is perfectly fine and acceptable, in my opinion, to add touches of lingerie to your wardrobe…that you would wear out of the house! It is, it’s fine and it’s fun!

I think the point of trying to look sexy is to just own it! If you feel sexy, you will be, no matter what you are wearing. No one embodies this more than my gorgeous and lovely friend Virgie Tovar! She is sexy. She makes you feel sexy just talking to her. She pushed the envelope and the boundaries that say fat cannot be sexy. Fuck that shit! We can all be sexy, if we want to be. There is the bottom line, if you want to. If you don’t, no worries. Keep on keepin’ on! But if you do? Go for it! Be it!

I adore this article Virgie wrote for The Sex Positive Photo Project! It’s almost all text, but the ads are not safe for work, or the text for that matter. But I love how she sees fats as anarchists and revolutionaries. I know it took me a long time to see how things like Burlesque could be political and not just fun or sexual. Sexuality itself is political and my view of my own sexuality has absolutely evolved since becoming involved and in love with fat liberation/acceptance. Not once does she mention having to smooth or shape or cinch in order to fit an ideal. Because that is some heavy bullshit. I can be dead sexy without a thread on my body, why the hell buy some horrific contraption to appear as something you’re not? You don’t have to and you shouldn’t. Just be you! You’re fabulous!!!

I know the title sounds a bit corny, I do, but it’s also the only way I could think of to describe what I’ve been going through lately. So tough shit! Ha-ha! j/k. Anyway, finding your sexy can be hard. Even for those who dress or may appear sexy to others. For me it seems to be a fluctuating thing. Even when my hormones are all a-ragin’ I can still feel unsexy, extremely so sometimes. I’m not saying you have to feel sexy all of the damned time because that isn’t always appropriate, ya know?! But there were days when I just couldn’t find it in myself to even think that I could ever be sexy. But that thought pissed me off a bit and so I decided to find it on my own!

Now several months ago, gosh, I can’t remember which month, but I was on a free tele-class hosted by the ever fabulous Golda Poretsky about how to feel sexy at any size. At the time I attended the class on a lark. What I got out of it was mostly some fat acceptance 101 stuff, but I enjoyed hearing Golda’s enthusiasm and supportive tone and stories. And the many callers who asked questions at the end of the class made me realize just how common it is to not feel sexy. I  consider Golda not just a friend, but an amazing resource and confidant when it comes to food and body issues. Do check out her blog over at BodyLoveWellness.com

Then as some of you may recall, I fell into a terrible funk and just couldn’t shake it for some time. When I finally did come out of it, I guess I wasn’t truly out of it at all. It’s a strange state I was in, for sure, but I just didn’t feel like anything. I was disconnected from myself and my body and whatever passion I had once had. Boo! My friends were so kind and supportive and really were there for me even though I didn’t know what I needed. My fellow fatty bloggers were there for me, too! They always inspire me. As do my readers/commenters (seriously, I don’t bite, please say hello). It was just a strange time for me I guess.

And then the hormones went into overdrive! Whoa! I was unprepared for the sudden sex drive I had. I’d never been like that before. And for weeks on end? Nuts! But I didn’t necessarily feel sexy. I wanted sex, but feeling desirable is another story all together. I didn’t exactly wake up one day determined to feel sexy or anything, but I did start doing things I either hadn’t done in ages or at all. First thing was I watched the films “Before Sunrise” & “Before Sunset” which are very sexy, but not rom-coms at all! And Ethan Hawke is mighty easy on these eyes, so that totally helped. I dunno, I think it was just the sweetness and tension and longing of those films, and damn they end nicely, that got me thinking along those lines.

Then of course was Virgie’s Burlesque class at Good Vibrations! Just walking into GV had me feeling more sexy. And with the moves Virgie taught us I knew I had found a way to get there again. Very simple moves, mind you, but it’s all in your frame of mind! Anyone can shimmy and shake! After that I watched some old Betty Hutton movies and even toyed with the idea of becoming a burlesque performer myself (Virgie inspired me, what can I say, but I don’t think I’m there just yet). And then I just started to fucking dance again! DANCE!!! Why did I ever leave you?!

You don’t even know…I have loved to dance my entire life! I still remember dance routines from when I was five and six years old (but don’t you dare put me on the spot–talking to you Jery). I went out dancing with some friends to a BBW club in Oakland and had the greatest time! When I was dancing it was like I reconnected with my body. I reconnected with dance! I found myself sexy even if I’m a big fat white valley girl, I felt fantastic! And that feeling (after the soreness went away) bled into my wanting to dance every day! And I try to do just that. Even if it’s just at home with the pug or in my cafe with my iPod. I dance! And I love to dance! And I feel fucking awesomely sexy doing it!

I see my boobs jiggle when I shimmy and my booty bounce when I shake my hips and it feels so fabulous. And if you’re unfamiliar with the more goth style of dancing, it’s a lot of slow and expressive, but fluid arm movements. You can go in any direction with dance and feel sexy. I’m not talking about looks here, I don’t always look sexy when I dance, but I can feel it every time if I want to. The music matters, too, of course. Luckily for me the new Lady Gaga has proven to give much need for some dancing around my apartment (the pug just doesn’t understand and gives that side cocked look of confusion every time while the tabby protests and leaves the room, too funny). I just can’t help it now. If I hear a good beat, a great song or an old time fave? I start moving now and I love that! I had forgotten how to do that.

What really sealed it for me though was fantasizing! I hadn’t fantasized in a sexual way in ages. I had forgotten how! And then I had an erotic dream that gave me plenty of inspiration and when I woke up I didn’t want it to end (we’ve all been there, right?) and so I fantasized the continuation of it. And then I realized how powerful that was and felt. That I could just fantasize about something and get all tingly? Fabulous!!! And so I did and I do. And I put on some music, have a glass of wine and I dance or fantasize and if my husband isn’t around I’ll masturbate with this fantasy in mind and nothing feels sexier!

So today I’m wearing jeans and a t-shirt and even my hair is a bit dorky, but you know what? I totally feel sexy! I’m having a great boob day (when they just look fab for whatever reason) and while it’s laundry time for sure, I just feel it! I feel it mostly in my hips, but any booty shakin’ is good in my book!

So how do you make yourself feel sexy? Did you forget that part of yourself, too? How did you get it back? What do you fantasize about? What makes you dance? Tell me, babies, because I love this and I love you and we should all just dance and juggle and shimmy-shake and have the best time of our lives! <3

So, I’ve been watching “My So-Called Life” on Netflix streaming. I never watched the show when it was originally aired (from August 25, 1994, to January 26, 1995), but I think I may have caught an episode once. Anyway, I’m watching now since it seems such a part of pop culture and I actually  I wouldn’t like it, but was pleasantly surprised. The thing is, it’s almost a guilty pleasure. Well, in that I can’t watch it when my husband’s home (I know he’ll hate it and I am a little embarrassed) and maybe I just prefer to watch it alone and revel in all of that old teenage angst.

The things in this show?! OMZ! I’m only on episode 13, but holy shit, y’all! Had I seen this show? Well, it was created too late to make any impact on my life when it would have mattered, but just wow. This is going to sound so cliche, but I can’t believe how much like Angela I was! And her friend Rayaan? So my friend Joyce! The boys, the booze & drugs, it’s just there. And while my first guy was no Jordan Catalano, he was every bit as dreamy and cold and pushy and a guy as that character. I just watched the episode where he’s all pressuring her into having sex with him. I lived that, dude! Only my guy was 18 and from France and well, he was the spitting image of Jim Morrison. I’m hoping that Jordan & Angela find a way to work it out and all, but I did what she didn’t. I finally gave in. I thought on my own terms, but in retrospect it was just terrible and fuck I should have waited. Does everyone regret their first time? Ha-ha!

It also brought up a lot of the same feelings I had when I was first considering opening my own cafe. That fear and anxiety and angst (Oh the angst!) and just wanting to fight the man and all. Yeah, I’ll never stop fighting “the man” but shit, this show is feeling so good right now. I mean, even the Ricky character? He is so my BFF Jery it’s a tad scary! I can’t wait to see what happens with him joining the drama club! (My BFF Jery is an actor, dancer, choreographer, blogger and writer…did I mention handsome, too?!) I feel 14 again watching it, in good and bad ways.

And the clothes?! OH MY GAWD YOU GUYS!?!?! I’m dying for these red boots Angela wears and some of the amazing plaids they had back then?! This is like almost twenty years ago and I’m reliving the glory of high school I never had, ya know?! Fuck it! I’m going head first into this baby! Ha-ha! But life is feeling a bit like that right now anyway. It feels like we’re all transitioning into some new phase of life or whatever. I dunno how to describe it. It just, well, there’s lots of stagnation and major changes happening all around me and suddenly things just seem fucking possible again. Like in a real way!

We get into these ruts and routines and we don’t stop to look at the world and enjoy it. The rain was spattering my glasses as I walked out of a discount store this morning and it felt metallic and gritty and I enjoyed it somehow. It just felt more real than anything else has lately. I just have all of these ideas and there’s so many awesome people in my life I just feel like something big is going to happen. Something fantastic! I hope so anyway. I hope something positive and major happens. Fuck knows we all need some of that!

I am asking you, as a friend and confidant, that if you know someone who is thinking of doing something that sounds risky or sudden or too big to handle? Cheer them the hell on, will ya? For me! Give them practical (not critical or harsh) advice or offer your support if you can. Just, you know, encourage them! I was encouraged by my friends and husband and I did what I thought I could never do. I know had I been left to my own devices I would have talked myself out of every single step of getting there. Be kind. Give love. Be you! <3

I’ve seen a few people around the fat web lately asking for more single/dating voices out here in the blog-o-sphere. While I do not date, I am in fact married, I do so sympathize! You see, yesterday I had a strange thing happen. I popped online to check my email (on a Sunday even, Ack!) and someone wanted to chat on yahoo IM. I recognized this person as someone I follow on Tumblr. I’ll admit up front here that I used to have a tiny web crush on him. He’s sort of adorable. Only he totally fucking ruined that yesterday.

When I was dating, I had a terrible time meeting guys. At the time I didn’t think it was purely due to my size, but I had a lot going on after just coming out of that awful relationship. I met a lot of guys online, on AOL chat rooms to be specific, and went on way too many blind dates because of this. I remember one blind date, I went to the guy’s place (I know, so what not to do 101) and when he opened the door he said, “Well, you’re more “full figured” than I had though.” and I said, “Yeah, um, you’re much smaller than I thought.” Which I know sounds awful, but we ended up being fab friends until we both found permanent partners. Truth is we were swell on the phone. Yet in person there simply was no chemistry or physical attraction.

Yes, I described myself as “Full Figured” online back then because no one ever told me it was okay to be or call myself fat. Would have made things easier, no doubt. And it seemed the more dates I went on the more horror stories I gathered. Yeah, didn’t meet a single decent one…well, I did, but then my best friend TOTALLY stole him (glaring at you Steph! Ha-ha!). I see now that it wasn’t such a loss, but I was devastated! I even tried to hook up with his best friend just so we could have double date scenarios available. I went through this phase after that where I thought I wanted bear-types. Like, just big burly guys who would, I thought, protect me. I found out in fact that most needed more protection and emotional support from me. Go figure.

And being a fat girl in the dating world can lead to many assuming stereotypes are true. I had guys ask me if it’s true that fat girls are faster to sleep with someone or if redheads are truly demons in the sack (we are! he-he), all kinds of stupid-ass stuff. It wasn’t so much that I was looking for a good time or a quick lay (I really should have been), but I was still in love with the idea of love. I was so enamored with finding a perfect somebody that I forgot to find out who I was first. The moment I began to work on myself? I met my husband. We were friend first, which I’d never dated a friend before him, but it worked out nicely I think. Ha-ha!

So this guy yesterday? From tumblr? Yeah, he wanted to “chat” alright. He said he had a “fetish for chatting on web-cam” and could I go to his personal site (which was called something like sexy stranger cam or something equally horrific in my opinion) so no one would record or interrupt us. I was all like sorry dude, I don’t have a web cam that works at the moment (I bought one for $3 on amazon, but it’s a pain to use and is always leaning to one side). But he kept insisting and then said, “Lame! No wonder you’re single!” and I responded with, “I’m married.” and he then said, “Oh I don’t mind baby, let’s go over to my web cam site. I swear it’s safe. You just have to verify that you’re over 18.” To which I responded with *Barfs* which somehow didn’t give a clear enough signal to this douche. He kept at it, trying to get me to go to this site for another five minutes before I finally just closed the chat. He is no longer adorable.

If this is the shit you have to put up with in the online dating scene? Count me out forever! I meet way more people in real life that are truly into me then I have online. I mean, it is awesome that we can get to know people and begin to build relationships on the internet and all. But the two-faced pervo shit? Yeah, that needs to go! I demand respect when I meet people, no matter what type of relationship I’m looking for. Respect, honesty, intelligence and best of a decent conversation. Not too much to ask, right? Ha-ha! It seems that it is. This clown shoe didn’t have the decency to even ask my name. I know he has an actual girlfriend and had he wanted to just chat I would have  been fine with it. But his perv-cam-bullshit? No, thank you.

And so a tip of my hat to all of you single folks out there trying to get to know anyone in this crazy world right now. It’s bananas. I don’t know how you do it. And if you’re seeking advice on how to find love? Sounds cliche, but stop looking! Just do what feels good, you enjoy or makes you happy and there will inevitably be someone around doing those same things, too. I find that people are more genuine and put on less airs when they are just doing a hobby or pursuing an interest over the typical bar/nightclub thing. Although, that works and is totes fun sometimes, too!

I’d love your thoughts and input. Wanna vent about dating? Hit up my comments! Let us all share in this! Thanks! =0)

(To the tune of Lady Gaga’s “Boys Boys Boys”)

This TMI Tuesday post is all about Sex Toys! If this doesn’t interest you, you’d rather not know about my sex life or toy preference, or you’re at work and don’t wanna get in trouble, do come back tomorrow for your regularly scheduled random fatty talk right here on my blog-a-ma-thing. Thanks!

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On my recent visit to Good Vibrations for that fabulously fun Burlesque class a couple of weeks ago (oh how time flies!) I picked up a toy I’d been looking at online.  I loved the color and the feel of the outside of it and the length seemed fab, too! But then, like so many toys, it left me unimpressed and generally dissatisfied. I know, for $22 what do I expect?! Well, I expected something! Perhaps I had high expectations, but that $22 is hard won for me (more than a week’s worth of work/tips) and so I always have high hopes when spending my dough.

See? It’s perty!

The last toy I purchase was the Butterfly Kiss and while I have enjoyed it a couple of times, it’s length is problematic (the butterfly doesn’t actually do anything for my clit as it either doesn’t reach or is so weak as to be meaningless). I do appreciate the design of it though. And again, the price was great at $18.

Mine’s the pink one.

So compact yet powerful!