Trigger Alert: a WHOLE lot of bad language used therein: unless you dig that kind of thing, then step right in!

Fattiboombalatti here, how yous all doin’?

So today I get into an altercation with some douchebag who was parked in the alleyway (even though he had his whole, empty drive way) unloading some bullshit from his van. He isn’t moving even though I am clearly behind him, he expected me to back out onto a busy street and go around. So when I got out of my car and tell him not so nicely to move his car we start having an argument. First he tells me that I am “ignant” (his word, not mine) then he calls me a “Fat Bitch” then a little later, “White Bitch’. Before all is said and done and then he finally moved his van out of the alley so that I could move forward. My responses to those epithets above were: “lol I am “ignant, huh” “ooo big man calling me fat bitch I am so scared” and finally “ahh pulling the race card, are you?” and that was after he threatened to hurt me… in our quick back and forth not once did I disparage him by how he looked or about his qualities or capabilities, I did tell him to go fuck himself, but that’s really an invitation rather than a judgment.

So anyway… I want to deconstruct those words. Fat Bitch Fat Bitch Fat Bitch. I have probably heard those two words from pissed off people more than any other epithet that can be reasonably applied to me. I don’t really understand what is it about calling me a fat bitch that is supposed to be so insulting.  Like what do they expect me to do? Grab my fat all of a sudden and say, “Oh my god! I never noticed I am fat!!! After you have so succinctly pointed out my fatness I will right away jump on a treadmill and drink slim fast, thank you for your acute observation, sir.” Like really, what’s the point about pointing out the obvious here? I am fat and yes I am a bitch upon occasion and usually in direct correlation to the douchebaggery which is you at the moment.

The label Fat Bitch seems to apply whenever I have stopped being a “good girl” and sifting through the other moments where I have been called such was usually when I was attempting to assert my rights or my needs. Fat Bitch seems to be the label of nonconforming women, angry women, women who just really don’t give a fuck. I mean, I really don’t and am not ashamed to take up the cause whatever that cause may be. It’s not too dissimilar to slut, whore, cunt…. Those are also words usually applied to women “behaving badly’. As if those words, like Fat Bitch, are meant to silence us, to shame us, to assign us to a moral code of bad better best.

I had another nasty thought though, an insidious one that now when I looked at thin people, naturally slim people after the incident tonight I thought…. Do ALL of you, when you see me, do you think “Fat Bitch” about me? Is your disgust with me so intense and so close to the surface that all I have to do is make you angry for it to come bursting forth? Do I walk down the street and as I pass you does something within speak in the silence of your mind… look at that fat bitch? Have I been blind all these years thinking good will when in fact its just social niceties? In the face of ALLLLLLLLL that….. How can we not but reclaim fat bitch for our very own? While you attempt by making me “small” by using those words, as if those words should mean that instantly I am less than you, worth less than you, mean less than…. You. Cause I won’t do it. I am not going to shut the fuck up. I will not be a good girl. I will not go away and I certainly am not going to allow you to make me feel lacking. Though we fatties have been conditioned to believe that that most feared word once brought out into the light is like kryptonite to our souls; Supposedly rendering us powerless and in doubt. Like sunlight to a vampire calling me a Fat Bitch is supposed to render me weak and ineffectual; the horrible nightmare of every woman on this planet, “do I look fat in this?” the word to luff my sails, to becalm me and to win.

Does anyone know how to screen print T Shirts? I really really want one that says “Fat Bitch” on it. I’m claiming this.

NotBlueAtAll: Yes! You can certainly do your own DIY style screen printing, but there are some fab sites that do this cheaply, without the mess, as well! My fave is CustomizedGirl.com (link will put you directly into their plus sizes) and I have bought a tee from them that fits fabulously (don’t remember if I got a men’s 3x or a plus size one)! They have fun fonts (even rhinestone & glittery ones), you can even “distress” your design and I found it to be the most user friendly of custom t-shirt sites. Coupon Code: 4Got (15% off) or CG$U ($5 off) I have not tried these codes, but if you get their emails they send you discounts often, gotta love that!

I’ve also ordered from VistaPrint.com but their biggest size was a big snug, I still wore it for a charity walk, but haven’t worn it since.  I have done my own screen printing but it is pricey for the paints and quite labor intensive. You could buy a Yudu machine ($99-$399) and have an at-the-ready screen printing station for yourself, too.

My two cents: I love this! Taking back that which is constantly being thrown at us?! Yeah!!! When I have been called a Fat Bitch (forever capitalized, thank you) I have almost always smiled at the notion, that this simple turn of phrase could take power or diminish me?! NO WAY! Not on my watch! I’d love a Fat Bitch tee, here’s my first draft design, Woo!:

Fattiboombalatti here:

Okay so I admit that I have been under a rock for the past year. Working full time and finishing up my masters degree full time kind of does this to a person.  So I was hanging out with some g-friends o’ mine at a karaoke bar and one of them picked a song that I knew subconsciously, Adele. Her music video came on and I would like, double take… WHAT? A chubby chick with a banging voice actually got a music video?!?!  Can it be that the world is thawing in its hatred of fatties? Is it possible that a luscious fatty that I am instantly in love with can actually be known for her music without adhering to the narrow definitions of “beauty” being currently promulgated by our culture?

So I ran into this article about Adele:

http://zeldalily.com/index.php/2011/04/this-just-in-adele-isn%E2%80%99t-thin/

This last piece particularly reminds me of something that happened to me when I was in college. I was a rad fatty then and I had rad fatty friends but ended up spending a year in China. During that year I lost a lot of weight, not that I noticed because in China I was considered Sasquatch like in proportions and I was miserable there so when I came back to be enveloped in the soft loving arms of my friends I was kept at a distance. At lunch with them I made a fat joke and was promptly told by them that they were uncomfortable with my joke because clearly I wasn’t like them anymore. Oy Vey!  I was hurt by that because even when I have passed for thin, inside I am and will always be a fat girl. The body that somehow meanders to normal still houses a fat soul.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that we all, all of us as a society, focus too damn much on looks, size, weight, blah blah blah. I don’t know about you, but I am kinda sick and tired of the obsession with the self and how the body is used as a social marker for where we “belong” and who we can be associated with. The whole thing is just one damn hot mess when really we as a society should be thinking about oh I don’t know how about being good and kind people? Helping others or working to resolve the environmental damage we are wrecking as a species?

But none of that can happen until we decide that no one body is inherently better, or more morally upright than any other. That our talents and skills and abilities should be judged by their own merit not as an accoutrement to our looks. Naïve? Yeah probably. But I honestly don’t see any other way around it.  The day that singers like Adele (who is clearly an inbetweenie at least it looks like it to me) can also burst on the scene as a deathfat and the only thing you hear is, “wow her voice is stunning!” is the day I can finally step down from this soap box with a feeling that my work is done.

Through my own fat acceptance journey, I have been exposed to other intersecting communities. Some of these communities I had had some misconceptions, preconceived notions and absolute prejudices about. Because of fat acceptance, and attending fat events, I have realized just how wrong I was about every single one of them. Yep, I am checking all of my privileges and myself and opening my heart and mind to these communities, experiences, choices, lifestyles and people! And guess what? I am loving every minute!

I actually had a bit of an awkward conversation with my husband about this exact thing. Many years ago he’d been invited to an event that one of his peers was participating in. How it was presented to me colored how I saw it and I, being the stubborn Scorpio that I am (and I cop to and own this about myself, though I work on it, too), simply said, “No way!” But time goes by and things happen and minds can and do change. I had to explain to my husband and partner of over 13 years that, well, my views of the world are actually quite different (and I hope more mature) than they were back then.

I’ve always considered myself a tree-hugging hippie sort, very open and loving. But somehow some of these communities hadn’t touched my life or been presented to me in the way they have been since I found fat acceptance. And let’s face it, fat/body/self acceptance intersects with many communities! I hadn’t previously considered myself a feminist. Relying on the very old concept and representations, I had thought of the cliched “femi-nazi” bullshit. Wow! I was so very wrong. Not only am I a feminist, I’m loving learning about the various aspects and communities within the feminist community online. So many blogs, so little time. No, they don’t all get fat acceptance or even positive body image stuff right, but what I take away is what I want to and I choose my battles carefully.

I am only recently discovering and participating in the more femme-queer communities and events in my area. While I’ve participated in and organized and donated to the gay community over the years, I never considered myself more than an ally because of my current relationship. I felt like an outsider because of it. I felt as though without my BFFs there with me as homo-cred or permission, that I would be kicked out or something. Silly, I know. But I did feel this way for awhile. Now I see how very queer the fat community is and can be and my own sexuality isn’t as simple as “straight” or “hetero” but a much more flexible thing that I am not sure I’ve completely sorted out yet. For now I shall call it situationally hetero, but a great and fabulous friend recently said it was hetero-flexible, which I also like.

The simple fact that I am secretly (though not so much since I’m about to spill some of them beans) fantasizing and dreaming and plotting my very own  burlesque identity and show says everything about how far I’ve come in accepting myself and just about everyone in the damned world! I keep talking myself out of the idea, but then a song will come on, my hips start to sway and shake and then I hear Virgie in my head yelling, “Sexy Bitches!” and I can’t help it! I might just have to make this happen…just to see that I can do it. Ya know? Ha-ha! I still get the ugly thought monster, “Old broad! You think you can strut your stuff and strip in front of people? You’ll clear the place out!” That damned inner critic ain’t as dead as I’d previously thought, but I keep kicking her ass to the curb as much as I can.

Truth is, none of this would have come into my life without FA and most definitely not without pushing myself outside of my comfort zone. Going to fat and queer events. Meeting new people! *gasp* Being more social! What? I know! I even accept more invites than I turn down now days. That’s saying a lot considering my complete lack of an income, but I make it work and all of these new people in my life are so rad they totally understand! I still get shy and have days when I wanna hide under the covers, but all I have to do now is remember those times when I did push myself (like the flesh mob with Marilyn Wann) and I soon find myself smiling so big I forgot why I wanted to hide to begin with!

So, my lovely readers, what has fat acceptance made you change your mind about? What have you been exposed to for the first time because of FA? Do you find it easier to get out of your comfort zone? Tell me all about it!

We have all heard the stereotypes about fat people and food (feel free to vent in comments, darlings). And while I consider myself somewhat of a novice foodie, I’m nowhere near gourmet-dom. I only started to enjoy cooking at home a few years ago and never would have imagined owning my own cafe. I could never afford the finer dining lifestyle anyhow, but it’s fun to watch those shows that let you inside and behind the scenes, so fun! I enjoy my share of celebrity chefs and their ilk, but not too many now days. In fact I’ve begun to view a lot of food related things differently since taking my food safety course (I wish they were free and mandatory for everyone). I’ve also become a bit of a germ-a-phobe! Who knew?!

Socially, I suck, when it comes to food. I have no problem cooking for, presenting and hosting others food. However, when it comes to my eating in front of people I must think it through first. For one thing, I am a very slow eater. Plus, I like to talk. This can make a 30 minute lunch/meal/etc last upwards of 2 hours (I swear I was Italian in my last life and I kick myself for not eating and experiencing more when I was there). I keep this in mind when making plans for meet ups and friends and such. But then there’s the issue of what to order. Ugh! I love salads, I’m a California gal, but it doesn’t mean that’s all I eat. Sometimes I want a nice pasta dish or whatever, ya know? But being a fat ordering food in a restaurant is almost like assigning a time and place for people to give you the stink-eye (or judgment face, or as my husband says I give him, the “skwunch-eye”). It’s bullshit and none of their business ever, but it is the state of things. I usually ignore such things and go about MY business, but I’m not impervious to it either. I worry about the messiness of a dish I may eat in public (sauces, no matter how delish, can make me so overly self-conscious I will stop eating). It’s silly, but it’s in my head somehow.

Eating in front of people started to get to me in high school and I’m not even sure why! I guess just general awkwardness. Everyone ate together back then, like it was nothing. But I recall a lunch with my BFFs in a burger king that left me feeling weird ever since. Nothing happened specifically that I can recall, but that is my first memory of feeling weird about eating in public/in front of people. I wasn’t terribly interested in food back then and pretty much subsisted on frozen foods and taco bell (and the occasional fave: deli sandwiches). I only knew how to cook three things until my husband and I started to actually cook. Those three things? Scrambled eggs, mac ‘n cheese and spaghetti. No lie! If I was home alone and hungry you can bet on my making one of those things for myself. With a giant glass of orange juice!

It is a very different feeling when you are serving food to the public in a restaurant environment while fat. Especially, I would argue, if what you are serving is “healthy.”  You get looks you wouldn’t normally get. Ones that say, “Wow, if only you ate this food you wouldn’t be so ginormously fat.” Looks of pity, looks of disgust, the usually stuff, sure, but when they realize it’s my place? My food? My menu I created? It’s shock! Total shock! “How could someone so unhealthy create such a magical place?” Because I’m a fucking unicorn, now leave a damned tip and get out! Ha-ha! (I wish I could say such things.)

I know being publicly fat has it’s own special brand of abuses involved, but I think all fats face such things when food is involved. It’s bullshit and I think we should push back! I think we need to stare right back at those judgmental bastards (I love that word) and call them out if need be. This includes our own friends, too! I won’t get into the family thing because we all have different shit to deal with there, but if you have the sanity points? Go for it! Because we know that a lot of people think it’s perfectly fine to harass or hate or shame fats. It is up to us to make them feel uncomfortable doing it! I’m not saying we can change their minds, that is much harder for sure, but I do think we need to at the very least make extended eye contact, enough to make ’em squirm just a little, ya know?

And the truth is, I say this, but I still try not to eat in front of my customers. I still struggle with eating regularly. I work on it. I started bringing a cold sandwich to work with me and for some reason I have little trouble eating that in front of anyone. Not sure why. But struggling is fine! Nobody is perfectly self-accepting and confident every single hour of every single day. So don’t beat yourself up over it. If you can’t face the haters, then don’t. But if you can, please do! I have had some interesting things happen when I have one of those moments when I realize I am talking but somehow not exactly controlling it. Yeah, it happens. But when it happens with complete strangers about food or health or fat? It is a radical moment of fat activism! It is a moment of magic and wisdom! I love it! It also totally helps to laugh a lot to put them at ease (and yourself, I do this a ton).

We live in a world where doctors are calling us liars and diagnosing us with little more than a quick “up-down.” *headdesk* It’s not their fault entirely, though. You see, we chose to believe it’s okay to exist and live our lives as we see fit. We chose to resist societal pressure. We chose not to kill ourselves in order to fit in. They chose the blue pill. Well, I should say most people chose to believe the diet industry bullshit marketing. Some will be very open to what we have to say simply by voicing something they’ve not yet heard. I think we have to give people the chance to be open to it, too. Because, well, c’mon, when someone says something new that seems to be the opposite of all you’ve heard or been told your entire life? That’s tough to swallow, you know? And I get that, I do. And luckily for us we have this incredible resource of this amazing world wide community of fat acceptance to support and cheer us on! To lift us up and to rise above the hateful bullshit!

The first step is to stop judging. It’s a difficult one, but I think the most important. Then you must give up hating. Then give up comparing ourselves to others. Then to accept ourselves just as we are, right now. Not tomorrow or next year or at certain amount of weight…NO! Just as you are right now! Just live in your body and enjoy it and feel it and be mindful of it and what it does for you everyday. I don’t think that most people do that. We spend so much time and money and energy hating our bodies and blaming all of the ills in our lives and the world on them…and for what? What do we get from so much hate? It’s not worth it! YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE! And remember, “Nothing tastes as good as a free mind feels!” (quoting myself, ha-ha!) Just be kind, to yourself and to others. Take care of yourself. Love yourself. You can do it! I know you can, because I did! <3