*Serious Trigger Warning on this one, folks. I cry a lot, talk about my struggles and feeling excluded and bullied.
Thank you for watching, listening and supporting. ♥

This week’s submission is by me, Sarah, this is my blog. Welcome!

Saturday was such a fantastic day! I felt like I’d won a gold medal or something, man. I was on top of the world! I had a fantastic job interview (though they later rejected my fat ass), got lots of stuff done, and got to walk my puggyman. I felt productive and good and excited about life! And the boyfriend and I were meeting some awesome friends for karaoke that night. Hooray!!!

I felt so fabulous that I did what any fierce fat femme would do: Get Dolled Up! Woo! And so I did! In a new dress, no less (from JCP?!) and even did a little something different with my hair and make up. Actually, this whole look is new for me! Don’t ya just love when everything sort of comes together like that? I do! I felt so good I half expected the paparazzi to start harassing me! Ha-ha!

So, here I am (if you click on the pics they get bigger), exercising my right to bare arms and be fabulous! Oh and that last pic is the bouquet bf sent me, since some peeps had asked.  And now it’s all opening up and blooming! Might have to take it with me to PDX! 😉

I always ask TTT submissions to include their own fatty philosophy. I guess mine changes as time goes by. I would typically say something along the likes of be you, stay true to you, listen to your gorgeous gut and give zero fucks about the rest. Right now I’m feeling a bit more like, do what feels right, stop worrying and just keep going. How’s that?! 😉

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I am always looking for submissions from anyone who wants to exercise their right to Bare Arms for future Tank Top Tuesday posts! Email your pics here: notblueatall@notblueatall.com, please include the name you’d like in the post, a blog or etsy shop you wanna plug, your thoughts on bare arms or other fatty philosophies. It does not have to be in a tank top, so long as your arms are bare. Have fun with it! And thank you to all who have submitted and continue to do so. These posts make my week! They are so fun and empowering, too! So keep ‘em comin’ and keep baring those arms!

Here’s the thing, some people will never get it! Yes, I’m talking about fat acceptance and size diversity, but I’m also talking about me (or you) as a person. No matter how many times you explain and spell things out, some people will just never see the other side. I see this in my own relationships, painfully, more so now than ever. I see that as I find that I know myself and my needs and wants in my life that there are people who will only ever choose to see or accept their own specific version of me. It doesn’t matter how much I shine or grow or change, to them I fit nicely and neatly into some little box they’ve labeled “Sarah” and they’re not terribly interested in allowing upgrades or revisions. So be it.

I have been amazed at how simple and powerful the phrase, “that is unacceptable” can be. When I told someone last year that how they were treating me was unacceptable and that I wouldn’t tolerate it in my life, they didn’t apologize or ask questions or even attempt to make things better or right. Instead they kept insisting the blame was mine and I needed to somehow get over myself…or something. I refuse to lower myself or my standards when it comes to friendships for people who refuse to treat me with respect, honesty and realness. And realness only gets you so far when you are lying to your damned self! 😉

I am unapologetically me! I am lumpy, I have rolls, I am sexy, I am sassy, I am smart and sometimes quite hilarious! I want and choose to enjoy my life. As best as I can, anyhow. I have been dealt some heavy blows lately, but I keep getting back up. Sometimes I don’t even know why, but I do it. I do it because I remember the abuse and not wanting to live anymore. I do it for those who are there in the thick of it now. I love you! You’re worth so much more and you’ll get it, too, if you can find your own light inside…it’s there!  *HUGS* I do it because all I have ever fucking known is to fight and to struggle. It’s exhausting but I wouldn’t know easy if it slapped me in the face.

Living my life out in the open has been liberating and surprising and scary as hell. I don’t fear the same things I used to. Perhaps that’s maturity, but what I crave and ache for has changed, too. I appreciate such simple pleasures at times it makes me laugh, out loud, alone in my room. Ha-ha! My wants are so few and my demands fewer. I want love. I want freedom. I want a choice. I want to survive. I want the truth, always. I want to express myself in any way I see fit. I want color and nature.

Right now I want to pour myself into a bottle of wine and sleep…for life! Monday (when I wrote this) hit me like a ton of bricks and I don’t know that there are tears left in me to give. It’s not that I didn’t know the bad stuff was coming, I did, I was just already feeling so scared and vulnerable. To have the harshness of that extra bit of reality spotlighted was just too much on such a dreary day. When I turned to a friend who has been there for me before and was met with utter assholery, well? That was the kicker. I can’t take getting shit on anymore, ya know?

When I was driving back to work from lunch I drove past a part of town that I hadn’t given much thought to before and it triggered a very bad and very repressed memory in me that nearly had me incapacitated. THAT BAD! I haven’t had a PTSD symptom in over a year, some more than that. This memory was one of the worst of the worst and I thought I couldn’t breathe. The one thing that got me through it though was thinking of that “Special Geek” I’ve mentioned here before. He’s such a shining beacon in the night for me. He’s so kind and wonderful to me and I am so glad my brain chose to focus on him rather than the horrors of the past in that moment. I am so grateful and so blessed and so fortunate, I know this. I have incredible friends both IRL and online and I wouldn’t be able to get up everyday without ’em. And it is why I love with my whole self and end up hurt, too. So be it.

I can only be and honor me and my truth and my experience. I can try to show you, I can try to explain, but until they get rid of all those boxes labeled “Sarah” you/they will never see the real me and I will never, truly, be understood and I think that’s okay.

It is so difficult to put into words just how I am feeling right now. It’s the Sunday afternoon, after Fatty Affair. If I told you it wasn’t nerve wracking and worse beforehand, well, don’t believe it for a second! But now? Now that it’s all over and done with? I’m in this love overdose afterglow! I feel sort of like a blissed-out version of a hangover. It’s surreal. It’s magical. It’s overwhelming! I am so full of love and positivity! I feel floaty and dreamy and inspired.

So many things fell apart and came together right up until the moment before it began (and even after and during). I felt a bit out of control. I felt guilty for sort of “checking out” of life the last couple of weeks. There were some surprises and disappointments. In the end it all found this incredible harmony and was a total blast! It was a big fat positive party, y’all! My nearest and dearest were there (with one exception, but I love ya P) and I don’t think I’ve ever felt more supported and cared for in my life!

Truth: I was so stressed to the max before we’d even gotten things set up. I was shaking! I was on the verge of a panic attack. This little fact, or the fact that I have had a few of said attacks previously, frightens people and maybe even challenges their idea of me. But I always manage to come through it better off somehow. I know that I need to get better at asking for help when I need it. I did a lot of that. I did some serious delegating, too! This is such an improvement for me already. Some friends really stepped things up and brought not only my stress level down, but made the event the true success that it was.

That I was able to make something I’d only dreamed about become a reality is still boggling my mind, but I know that I could not have done it without the help, love and support of my friends and the fat community itself. It is the thing that energizes me and inspires me and keeps me going. It is for the fat community that I did this. It is my way of giving back the love that has been given to me over the years. The community that gave me my love of style and fashion again. The community that gave me back my confidence! The community that gave me the strength to open my own business and become an activist and writer and so much more! I would not be the gal I am today without it!

A commenter mentioned recently that I sound like I am more alive than ever. I agree completely. I am more alive! I am more keenly aware of the world around me. I am more present and playing a more active role in my own life! It is a powerful thing. I have found that it is only when I stick my neck out, stand up and out, and most importantly get outside of my comfort zone that these amazing things and incredible people come into my life. I urge to to look around and choose for yourself to follow your passions and shove fear aside!

Had I let fear hold me back, Fatty Affair would not have happened. My cafe would never have happened. I would not be wearing dresses again…oh so many pretty dresses! I wouldn’t even think of attempting to write a book! No, fear can go fuck itself in a cold, dark corner! I’m through with fear. I’m through with my inner critic and I am learning to embrace my own vitality and awesomeness! Because “‘To dance or not to dance?” Should never be the question!” and not giving a damn what other people think of me is such a weight lifted from my soul!

I have never been so moved, touched, loved and supported in all of my life. This feeling is beyond words. The people I met and hugged and belly bumped yesterday have changed my life! The work was worth it because of them. The difficult choices I have had to make are all the more clear to me now and why I had to make them.  I feel nearly invincible. I have no fear of an ego growth though, this was not the fruits of the labor of one. No, this was a village effort! This was a tribal celebration! This was what fat liberation/acceptance/pride means to me!

I want you all to know, the many that could not attend the event due to various reasons and circumstances: You were right there with me! You were holding me up and making me smile! I pretty much smiled for five hours straight!!! Ha-ha! It was for you that I strutted my stuff on the “catwalk” and shimmied and danced! It was in your honor that I wore what I wore and said what I said. You give me so much and I want you to know that I am feeling it! I am accepting it! And I am loving it! <3

*You can pretty much count on this entire week being about Fatty Affair! More pictures to come, too, lovelies!

So my “perfect” purse is a piece of crap! I used it once or twice prior to gearing it up for my new job last week. Pssht! The moment I walked in the door the strap broke. “No problem, I know a repair guy!” I thought, foolishly! I also foolishly thought it was leather because inside it said “Genuine Quality” or some garbage like that. UGH! Sadly, repair guy said it’s made of vinyl, also showed me other spots it had torn or were about to (I’m assuming from just the one day’s use since I’d inspected it the day before and found no issues at all). He said it wasn’t repairable or even worth the effort.

The purse was perfect because the strap was the perfect length and the pockets are just right and in the right places but the closure is so cool! The repair guy said I should contact the company who made it (Relic) and send them pictures of it. He said it was shoddily made and really cheap materials. Funny, that tag inside said, “The finest materials!” I write to Relic and explain (minus the swear words) and they want me to pay for shipping to and from plus prove that I paid for it and it has to be within the last year, which was how I began the letter, “I bought this great purse over a year ago…” UGH!

So, hey, don’t buy their stuff. They suck! Their product sucks, despite it’s looks and “quality” promising and their warranty/customer service policy, while standard, left me feeling cold and unwanted. As a customer service guru myself (ask around), I take personal offense to this type of corporate bullshit! Hiding behind policy and not caring about one customer when you have so many…I know that the companies I have worked for, even some corporate giants, they cared about their customers. All of them! They stood behind their reputation for customer service and I mine!

I may take this sad sack to someone and see if they can make me a clone in real leather or if they could recommend a better material all together. I’d rather do something sustainable and not cruel if I can, but I need it to last a good long time! Y’all know I don’t have the moolah to go back to my old obsessive handbag hunt! Whew! Because I stopped when I found this bag! I found the “perfect” bag and stopped searching. How awful that I am so devastated by it’s failure now! Ugh! *ShakesFist*

Any recommendations on affordable materials for a close of my late, though not-so-great-after-all, purse?