To live today is to live in a world that wants to diminish us.
To be pressed upon, constantly, to be less than, to live in distrust.
They do it with pharmaceuticals, they do it with supplements and powders and promises.
They do it with bars and shakes and crisps and keep us as your hostages.
Fat free, caffeine free, sugar free, nutrient free fantasies of tasteful humanity.
They poke and they prod us with lies and disgust.
They bind and staple and nip and tuck.
They rob our youth of hopes and dreams and possibilities.
They rob our middle age of self assurance and deny our capabilities.
Longing becomes the norm. Hate becomes reborn.
They control us with guilt. Stitching our flesh into your demoralizing quilt.
“Shame on You…” for being so fat?
“Shame on You…” for being healthy, too?
“How dare you not do as we tell you to do!”
We are not to be diminished, contorted, controlled or prescribed.
We are done with your idiosyncratic lies!
I will not be weighed like so much meat.
My flesh has value and won’t accept defeat.
You cannot separate my fat from me.
You won’t get the best of me!**
I’m no more and no less human than you.
Yet you insist, “But I’m better than you!”
The fuck you are and the hell with your lot.
It’s my guts, my glory, my intestines without knots!
Keep your scalpels and calipers and body fat ratio machines.
Wanna know where you can stick your oversold thin fantasy?
Nothing tastes as good as a free mind feels.
But you’ll never know when you’re stuck on their hamster wheels!
I smile a thoughtful smile, wider than my hips.
I love with my whole self, not a smaller version of what you sell as “health.”
I won’t sit or back away quietly.
I’m far too busy fighting for equality!
So yell if you must, from your trucks, cars and bikes.
I’ll keep on keepin’ on, stepping up to bullhorns and mics!
We are fat! We are free! We have pride and can be healthy!
Stop with the judgment. End all the shame!
Our bodies and minds are not playing that game!

So, yeah…um…I watched the film “Howl” Friday night and while I didn’t enjoy the film as much as I’d hoped (or wasn’t in that frame of mind or something), the writing, the poetry, it really stuck with me. And the above just sort of poured out of me Saturday morning. I miss poetry. I went through quite an obsessive phase. I read all I could and wrote until my hands would cramp and it’s all gone! The memories of what I read and wrote. And all of my poems are long gone, too. I used to only write when I was depressed and for a lot of time that worked out well. This is probably the first that wasn’t about a specific person or instance. Like I said, it just came out. Ha!
Thanks for reading.
<3
S

Have you ever had someone try to call you out for being a “bad fatty?” It doesn’t matter the situation, person, activity, they were just waiting to tell you you’re wrong/hipocrtical/a bad fatty! Sometimes who it comes from is the more difficult part. It can be equally unnerving or uncomfortable if it’s someone close to you or a total stranger. I get the full spectrum operating my cafe everyday. You know that look? The one that says, “How could you be putting that into your mouth?” or “Should you really be preaching health at every size…at Your size?” and so many more.

When you are fat in public you just never know who will take it upon themselves to not only body & food police you, but even try to make sure you fall into some ridiculous stereotype. Heaven forbid a gal eats a donut! Even just once a year! Nope, we can’t have that! That’s “BAD!”  “You can’t be healthy and eat a donut!” “You know you won’t eat just one!” The fuck I won’t! And you wonder what special little joy they are getting from trying to shame/blame/other you. Anything in the attempt to seem better off, I suppose.

It’s sad to me that it must be reiterated daily/weekly/etc, food has no moral value! There is no “bad” food. There’s rotted food, sure, that’s bad! But not in the moral sense. What you choose to put into your mouth is your business and no one elses. No one’s! Not even your mother! Not even your BFF! Not even your Granny! Not their business! That’s it! Get it? You’re not a “bad fatty” or “bad” anything else. You’re just you! That’s all you can hope to be and that’s all I ever try to be.

Then there’s that look of pity or worse, disgust! The look that says, “How dare you breathe the same air or occupy the same space as me?!” The look that says, “Oh that poor dear! She must be out of control/let herself go.” Where? Where did I let myself go? Huh? Fatlandia? Fatterson U.S.A.?! Tell me! Where exactly did I let myself go? Out of control? Your judgment is out of control! I am in complete and total control over my own actions and judgments, thanks. I do not exist for you! I do not live to please! I live to live! I live to experience the wonders of this world! I live to love and to give and to share…what the fuck do you live for, huh?

Whew! Okay, sorry…went off a bit there. It’s just so frustrating to have people say things, even on the sly, about you because you look a certain way. I’m not interested in conformity! I’m punk rock! Conformity is for squares and suckers, ya know?! I didn’t get dressed in the hopes of fitting/blending in. I don’t hope to pass some non-existent grade you’re handing out. I don’t go out of my way to judge or hate anyone, so why are you? I just don’t get it. I mean, who cares? Who has the time?

Stigma is such a piece of shit! I’m sick of it. I think the most freeing thing anyone can do is simply to no longer care what other people think. If I am to be judged on face value alone? Not my problem! Because trying to fit into some existence that doesn’t want me just as I am, for who I am right now, does not interest me in the least. People don’t look up to others who did not stand out. No one says, “I really admire Shirley, she always seems to fit in and not make waves. That’s what I love about her!”

 You cannot control other people or the world in general. You can’t. You cannot do a damned thing about people perceiving or judging you a certain way. That’s on them! All you can do is just be you. Corny? Maybe! Fuck it! I don’t care! It’s how I roll and I have no intention of stopping. It’s done me just fine up until now, why stop a good thing, ya know? Ha-ha! To the lady who said to my friend, “Oh I know I guy who DOES eat cookies for breakfast. He’s your size!” What in the hell lady? What business is it of yours what anyone has for breakfast or what size they are? Fuck you!

What do you wanna tell the people who judge you unfairly? What can we do to wise people up when they confront us with this bullshit? I have an idea…if ever I’m called a name again, I shall resond, “Ignorant coward!” in the hopes this will confuse the poor dears. Yes, confuse! Their ignorance is cowardice! Their cowardice is ignorance. They are so afraid of fat and fatties that they feel compelled to shout from a moving vehicle or utter some slur under their breath? Coward! They obviously buy into all of that diet industry marketing bullshit. Ignorance! Lose the hate, not the weight! <3

I am so fortunate and grateful to have had the television show “Roseanne” in my life as a kid/teen. Not only did the show offer amazing working-poor family representation, but it also made me feel less different and weird. Here was a fat woman and a fat man busting their humps trying to keep house and home for themselves and their three kids. Guess what? Sounds a lot like my family (minus a working mother). “Roseanne” approached otherwise taboo topics like lesbianism and labor rights long before our current equality and labor rights climates were on anyone’s radar. I can’t help but wonder how much of that show influenced my own feminism and thoughts on fat bodies and their presentations. In fact I have watched and re-watched the entire series (yes, even the last two seasons, they were still good fun) and still love it, if not more than ever!

I saw a bunch of people linking to an article called, “And I should Know” so I had to read it. I don’t follow Roseanne Barr’s blog like I used to, but I check in from time to time. I enjoyed seeing her on Oprah and was moved to tears watching the video they showed of her life on her macadamia farm in Hawaii. I had meant to save it for my husband (he wants to live off the land as they say), but accidentally deleted it from our DVR. Then a real treat happened when Ms. Barr guest hosts the Joy Behar show and had guest Michael Moore on! WOW! Two rad fatties (if only Mr. Moore was body accepting *sigh*) I adore on the same show?! Amazeballs! They talked truths, my friends. It was a radical moment for me in both uses of that word. I have not read any of Roseanne’s books, but mostly because I’m broke. I think she is a brilliant woman and is so underrated it is offensive!

Anyway, back to the article! I truly enjoyed reading about her fighting for proper credit due to her and how she went about it and how the staff helped her stay strong through some heavy bullshit. It’s a worthwhile read, I promise! I know she’s had some controversies and scandals and all of that shit…but she is a being in constant renewal and change. I identify with this as an abuse survivor, as a woman and a feminist. though her words can come across as harsh (I’m guilty of this, too), I find that when you get to the heart of her message (and her heart, too) you can see that she is speaking from a place of love and honesty. What more could you ask for?

My friend, who bought the book “Health At Every Size” by Linda Bacon PHD, came in yesterday asking me what a specific paragraph meant. While English is not her first language and she would generally call her use/understanding of it to be poor, on this I must disagree as I see no issue with it from her what so ever. With that in mind though, the paragraph in question suggested to the reader to give up the fight against fat/your body. To quit and to trust your body to know what it needs and to listen to it. (Sorry, I lent my copy out and cannot actually quote it.) This concept seemed so alien to her that she had me read it aloud to her and then explain it a few different ways until she fully grasped the concept. Good on her for truly wanting to understand. I am so proud of her, y’all have no idea!

Let’s think on this a moment though. To give up fighting that which our entire society has deemed bad? I can see how this could be confusing for just about anyone, honestly. And I think this is also something that many of us, even the fat acceptance veterans, still struggle with. TRUSTING YOUR BODY!!! We are told from an early age (many of us) to do exactly the opposite! Don’t “give in” or “cave” or “indulge” if you’re craving something. We’re never taught to look into the reason why we may have such a craving. The fact that many people (not just women) believe that deep down they would never stop eating? Wow! It really makes me see just how bad a job we’ve done in educating the public on nutrition. You know?

From a recent post about substitutions:

“One of the things I’ve learned from my own intuitive eating journey is that when I am craving something, there is usually a reason. Not just a “ooh that looks tasty” kind of craving. More of a physiological one. For instance, once a month I crave roast beef deli style sandwiches. Nothing will be a worthy substitute. I can try all manner of turkey or other sandwiches, but they will never be the thinly sliced loveliness of that roast beef sammie in my mind. I must have what I want or I will feel unsatisfied and try as I might, nothing else will do. Same thing for a nice and simple piece of good chocolate! Oh sure, you can give me a bite of your prized brownies, but it won’t fulfill that inner need for something smooth and rich and creamy. And there’s a reason I want those two things so consistently: I’m in need of iron and protein and whatever else is in that roast beef and chocolate is a mood lifter and when else do I need that most?!” (Quoting myself? Um, okay!)

We’ve become so inundated by marketing and diet industry jargon that we buy into it without question. And when you stop questioning things, well, they’ve already won, right? They prey on our fears and exaggerate if not outright fictionalize “facts” and “figures” and “statistics” all in the name of MOOLAH!!! Money, it doesn’t just make the world “go ’round”, no, it also feeds a giant systemic machine that keeps us all numb and dumb and ready to buy buy buy more more more! And it’s so fucking hard to step outside of that system. It is downright radical and extreme a concept to want to unplug from the matrix that is dieting. So what are we to do? It’s just easier to keep chugging along in misery (how they want us) going from one fad diet to the next (I don’t care if it’s called a lifestyle change, it’s still a fucking diet!) until we die! That is what they want, you see. They want us to fork over our hard earned cash, day in and day out, in the hopes of being happy/thin, until we die.

It is an interesting time in the world right now. People are waking up and realizing that they don’t have to live this way. They are speaking up and out and rising up against the powers that be in hopes of changing the world for a better tomorrow. I am in awe of them all! They inspire me so much. But in America? Eh, not so much (but thank the stars for the few who do). We’re lazy and jaded and tired and “no one will listen anyway” and any other excuse you can pull out of your ass. We have jobs to go to and mortgages to pay for or try to save from foreclosure. We have children to worry about and our elderly to care for. We don’t have time to think let alone stand up for our own health and well being anymore. We are slaves to a system and little else, I think. I don’t mean to sound so depressing, but when you step back and look at it? It’s pretty close to the truth. Why else would we require jobs but to pay for food and shelter? Yet how many people do you know have zero debt? Exactly!

So how could we possibly think we can trust our own bodies to do what is right when we’re never told this, we’re never allowed the luxury! We keep buying the next big thing, be it Louboutins or Special K milkshakes, in hopes of somehow improving our lives when all we need and have ever needed is within our own power and our own bodies! That trust is hard to find, too. Even when you begin to believe in the concept and try your best, it’s very difficult. I won’t lie! Even I have a hard time. I look at my portions and wonder if I’m eating too much. I know it’s bullshit and I fight these thoughts, but they are there. It’s nearly impossible to forget a lifetime of programming. But I am always working on it! I hope we can all find a way to escape the clutches of the diet industry. For our own sakes.

Thanks,
<3
S

I don’t care what size you are, unless you’ve always been training for the olympics, someone, somewhere has told you or implied that you simply aren’t active enough and are thus doomed to die sooner than…? Anyone? Just athletes? Hmm…Let’s talk about this!

For active is every movement I make throughout the day. To many, active is is only going to the gym or an aerobics class. To others, they haven’t a clue what being active actually is, and I’m beginning to wonder if we’re all a bit confused on ths subject. While I think that being active is a personal thing and that we should seek out only what feels good for our bodies to do and move in, a lot of people in many parts of this world of brainwashours simply think that unless you have some sort of serious regimine, that you’re not healthy. Add in the fat factor and in their eyes, even becoming a gym rat will never be enough.

We’ve even heard it from those we love and trust the most. It can feel like the ultimate betrayal. Even from those who know better, the words somehow still come and you still  feel worthless having heard them. I have been there. My very own husband once said to me that he worries about my health and how my fat might affect me in the long run. What?! Yeah, and this was well after I got into FA and started reading up about it. I think reading “Health At Every Size” helped me and him, but me more since I still get shit like this from people.

The worst is when a partner says something like they cannot be attracted to someone who doesn’t care about their health (by not being active in their eyes). It’s so wrong on so many levels. For one, they are already in a relationship with and having sex with you…suddenly the topic of fitness or activity comes up and they think they can get all high and fucking mighty by shaming you this way? If they were telling the truth and this was how they felt? Why the hell are you with them and they with you? Think on that. Why wait until this topic to come out with such a stupid (as in ill-informed) statement? Shouldn’t they have mentioned this on one of your first three dates or something? I think it makes them look like an ass, plain and simple. But it happens. It’s total bullshit and if it were said to me in this way, well, I consider myself a pacifist, but someone would be walkin’ funny for awhile. Thanks.

We live in a society that has been brainwashed. This is my opinion alone. I do think that we’ve all been marketed to for so much of our lives that at some point you stop thinking on your own and simply adopt the socially acceptable thoughts and judgments of the day. And some of us stop to think and question and look beyond just what’s being shoved down our collective throats. Some of us steer away from mainstream media and try to find the truth or the man behind the curtain (Wizard of Oz reference). And when you do? When you do see behind the proverbial curtain and find that the power behind every message we’ve ever been sold (or told) is money and nothing but money money money? You have to stop and wonder if what you like, what you believe, what you know in your heart is truly your own or were you marketed to believe it? Is purple really my favorite color or is it simply this season’s trend? How can you really know?

I don’t have the answer, but I do believe that it is up to each of us individually to decide what feels best, what matters most and what we see as our true and authentic selves! I have reached that point in my life where the false niceties and put-on charms are worthless and truly meaningless. I have little patience for false hopes and bullshitters! I pride myself on my honesty and willingness to seek out the truth, fight for it even. I know what matters most to me. And what matters least is money.

I had a bit of a revelation yesterday. I was thinking about my relationship with my husband (13 years, woo) and how I am so bad at asking for what I want of or from him. I was really, seriously thinking about this. How could this be? Why do I still, after all of this time, have the almost inability to straight up ask him for something or to do something? He will often point out that I will say things like, “Is that window open?” or “Do you think it’d be better if…?” rather than simply asking him to close the window. And I could not figure this out. I knew it bothered him, I tried hard not to do it, but I still fucking do it! And then the revelation came: Growing up poor means that everything you ask for gets shut down. Everything I’d ever wanted, no matter how small or simple, got shut down usually before it even left my lips. Living with that constant rejection tangled up in an endless feeling of WANT left me unable to simply ask for things. Why I refuse help when offered (working on this, too) and why I often talk myself out of possibly fantastic opportunities.

My point is that even when we think we know something, we don’t! When someone shames us for something? They may not even know why or believe what they said themselves. These epiphany like moments are so few and far between, but damn so I/we learn so much from them! I think if we stay more open to what our gut tells us (or intuition, whatever you call it), we may just find our truer selves in there and finally be able to overcome or tune out those messages and marketers once and for all.

What do you think?