Sometimes it can feel as though the world literally hates me/us/fats and wants us to know it! (Also, I swear a lot, you’ve been warned!)

Sometimes I just want to catch up on some fucking world news (funny doing this online when my community radio does a much better and stellar job: KPFA.org) without getting hated upon! Is that so much to ask? Of course it is, when you’re fat!

So I was checking out some news stories and saw a head line that grabbed my eyes:  New Anti-Sugar Ad Is Very Graphic (Trigger Warning as the video in the link depicts some nastiness) Hmmm…so I clicked it. *head desk*

I’m still on the fence about sugar. I love the stuff, don’t get me wrong, but I also know that what we use it for and how much of it and how processed the shit is…well, it’s scary! I have personally cut back on my sugar intake for no reason other than things started to become too sweet for my taste buds. My husband and I have to water down juice and other such things and often cut the sugar in a recipe or substitute for agave or honey when possible. I believe that he is a little more concerned about sugar than I am, but I’m very aware of what I eat and its ingredients. This is a personal choice and I am not promoting a damned thing! And I don’t believe that the ad inside the link above is the right way to go about it.

For one thing, it’s packed full of bullshit! The video, that is. Not only do we get the treat (SARCASM) of a few headless fatties, but we also get graphic images of gangrenous toes, someone being resuscitated from a heart attack and more. Why is this bullshit? Well, as the article attached to the video states:
“Those [effects] are not that common. They’re usually very end-stage,” Fendt said. “Those are generally in people with very, very poor control and not a lot of follow-up. It’s not like you get diabetes and you wake up a day later and your toes fall off.”

DAMMIT! Really?! Okay, before I move on, let’s address that quote: “poor control and not a lot of follow-up” BULLSHIT! “Poor Control” hmm…when the water that comes out of your fucking tap has more chemicals in it than your average energy drink (YIKES!!!), there’s a reason we fall victim to the tastiness of just about everything else. (Not really victim, poor attempt at humor on my part.) Not to mention that we have been marketed to since we were children that “Coke Is It!” and all that shit. So what if I am part of the “Pepsi Generation” (I think everyone in the world is according to Pepsi, ha!) and want a nice cold one from time to time. No, I don’t personally have soda on a daily basis*, but there is nothing inherently wrong with that if I chose to, either.

Control: It’s bullshit! Just like “will power” and all of those other so-commonly-used-they’re-obviously-bullshit-phrases/words. What it boils down to, I think, is that everything we do is a choice. You can absolutely choose to have a super big gulp for breakfast and a twinkie for lunch. No worries from me. It’s a fucking choice! There’s no morality here. There’s nothing that requires control or regulation (Maude knows they have been trying though), but to put out a “PSA” that basically says through images that if you eat/drink this way you will OMFGDIE! It’s just not that simple. Now poor nutrition can make anyone sick. Look around the world and you’ll find evidence of this. But it’s generally in nations and areas without options/choices at all. Are they “bad” people for not eating a healthy and balanced diet? Should they elicit some magical will power to hold out for better food? Fuck all of that! They eat what they can when they can to fucking survive!

And here we get yet another fat = death bullshit line. The fatty on the scooter may have had other issues besides his weight that has left him with mobility issues. And hey what’s that? Another fatty walking beside him! What about her? Is she going to die, too? (Oh wait, is that a spoiler for a sequel?!) Hey NYC Health Department!!! Over here *waves hands violently-arms all a-flappin’* You’re all kinds of wrong with this message. You guys should seriously check out our own US Surgeon General‘s thoughts on the subject.

I personally believe that the way to get people to eat healthier is to educate them on what they are eating and how that affects their body/mind/overall health/etc. And then leave it up to them! It’s a free country after all, no? But I also know that the choices you may have are much more difficult to make when you are near or below the poverty line. My husband and I can’t afford all of those gorgeous organic fruits and veggies that we used to love cooking with. We have to choose one thing over another. Growing up it was much much worse, too. My family subsisted on little more than rice/pasta, frozen vegetables (nothing wrong with that!) and ground beef. Bright yellow packaging with bold black lettering (nothing brand name entered our house that I can recall, except kool-aid and that was a treat.) A lot of people don’t have a fresh food type of grocer near their homes at all. Please, if you’ve read this far, do not comment that there is a choice regardless of income, I haven’t the energy or will to argue right now and I’ve had that argument too many damned times, I’m done.

Shocking people into not drinking sugary drinks? Poor choice NYC Health Department. Why not take the opportunity to explain how sugar works once ingested? I bet most people in this country don’t know or understand this. I just found out that a very good friend’s gall bladder ruptured from an overdose of vitamin B (Rockstar energy drinks are to blame, specifically). I had no idea that this was possible. And I love learning about nutrition and its affects on the body. But let people decide on their own what to do with this knowledge. And why not work with these major manufacturers to see if they could reduce the sugar in these things by 25% (without adding a damned thing else, please)?! And while I’m at it, why don’t we address the affects of Aspartame (what’s in most diet drinks)?! I think that’s doing more damage to more people than any of us realizes.

Also, sugar intake does not equal fat. In some it can and in others it absolutely does not! And diabetes? Don’t get me started on this again! (Great resources in comments on that post.) You cannot eat your way to diabetes!

Stop perpetuating bullshit stereotypes and start actually caring about the health of your city’s residents!
Fat people do have brains, too! Give us a chance to fucking use them!!!

Almost every week day on my commute home I listen to “Hard Knock Radio” on KPFA (94.1 in the bay area) a listener sponsored radio station. The show covers news, views and hip hop culture and music. I love this show for so many reasons, but yesterday I knew I was just lucky to have the opportunity to tune in. Yesterday’s show examined childhood sexual trauma with fimmaker Dedoceo Habi, songstress Yolanda Davis and hip-hop producer/educator Naru Kwina. Together they have produced a song about childhood sexual abuse, “Mystified” here is the video, please watch (no swearing that I heard, no violence depicted, should be safe for work):

*Trigger Warning for description of abuse*

You can listen to the entire show here.

I was so impressed with how this sensitive topic was discussed. Host Anita Johnson shared her personal childhood abuse story and really asked the important questions. While they were mainly discussing abuse and how it is handled/addressed in African American communities and what could be done within the community to help end the shame/guilt/silence and denial, I felt that this coudl easily be applied to many if not all communities.

The truth is 1 in 3 women were sexually abused as a child. That is huge! Look around, how many women do you know? Think about those numbers again. One in Three! (Sorry, I do not have the statistic for men at this time, if you do please let me know.) And the only way to stop the abuse and to do something about it at all is to end the silence and tell someone! It may feel like the most terrifying thing to consider right now, even if it happened a very long time ago, but telling someone helps. It has helped me.

I have often talked about my own abuse and survival here. What I have not mentioned previously (or described to anyone else) is that I was also molested as a little girl, too. I think I was 6 or 7. He was a friend of my best friend’s family. He had been around for awhile, but we had never gone anywhere in his car with him until that day. I forget what excuse he made for stopping at his apartment, I think we were getting lunch and he wanted to stop and pick up a gift for us…at least that is what I think it was. So it was me and my best friend in his car. This man had to be in his fifties if not older. When we got there he showed us a scrapbook of the kids he sponsored in Africa and other far off lands. Like the ones on TV.

Then he said he had a gift for us. Being poor I always questioned gifts unless they were from my grandmas. But my best friend said it was okay and that her mom knew and said it was okay and that he gave great gifts. I remember a bunch of plastic beads that he gave us. I recall hexagonal shaped aqua beads that had a crystal-like look, though they were plastic (I kept those beads for a few years, but never worse them.) Then he instructed us to go into the bathroom together and change into these two nightgowns. I threw mine on quickly and was waiting for my best friend to follow suit. She insisted, quite anxious and nervously, that I remove my underwear before going out to our “fashion show” for him. I argued with her, but in the end relented.

When we were ready, I walked out first and twirled, just like a model. He praised us and scooped me into his lap on his old couch. He bounced me on his knee a few times and then started to straighten the nightgown. Then he began to touch my thighs and finally my vagina. He whispered in my ear, “See, doesn’t that feel so good?” Not understanding really what he was doing, why or what I should say, I simply closed my eyes and said, “Yeah.” I do not know how long this went on, only that it wasn’t very long and I asked almost the moment he put me down onto my feet again, “Can I change now?” and he said that I could. I ran into the bathroom and put my clothes back on. Remembering my best friend I quickly ran back into the living room to get her. It was at this point I felt something was terribly wrong. I started to say that I was hungry and we needed to go. He offered us cookies, I think, but I refused.

We finally went back to my best friend’s house and I don’t think I saw him again until he was in the courtroom. Yes, he was convicted of molesting us and others. I didn’t tell. I carry that with me to this very day. I even denied it to the police when they questioned me. They showed me pictures he had taken of us (I don’t remember a camera, but I do remember the pictures) and I insisted I was wearing underwear and that he had not touched me. I am guessing that it was an obvious lie and the adults discussed this, though I am not sure. My friend and I never talked about it. I remember being called to the principal’s office one day many months or even a year after it happened. My parents picked me up and took me to court. I think they asked if I knew a man named “BJ” and I said that I did and how I knew him. They asked if he “touched” me and I said no. I think he got 7 years in prison. My best friend and I remained so for many years after. But we never mentioned it to each other.We haven’t been in touch since 6th grade or so. I will always wonder if she held this against me. Today I wish that I had said something, to someone, anyone!

I have never received any type of therapy. I have never shared the above with anyone. Usually I just say, “Oh, yes, I was molested as a kid.” and leave it at that. I now realize how important it is to share my story with others. So many of you reached out to me when I shared my own abuse survival story a few months back. Thank you! I am certainly not qualified to help in any sort of medical way, but I am an open ear, a free shoulder and I firmly believe in venting and a good rant. I offer myself to anyone who needs an unbiased and non-judgmental sounding board: notblueatall@notblueatall.com

I would also like to provide a link to the Rape Abuse & Incest National Network or RAINN they offer free, live help and a ton of resources. And a commenter in another post gave me this link for Violence UnSilenced which is a blog for people to share their abuse and survival stories. I urge you to tell someone, anyone! Let us all heal from what has been done to us. It was never our fault and we should be free of the weight of that burden.

Thank you,

<3
S

I think this week has left us all a bit raw or vulnerable feeling. It almost seems as though the entire nation is coming to a head over various topics of hate. Suddenly, hate is all popular for some reason. I’m wondering if that reason isn’t related directly to the election next week. I’m also considering the possibility that a lot of this is due to sheer frustration with our lives, economy and impotent government. So much hate spewed back and forth, criss-crossing all over the place. For what? What does it get you in the end? It certainly can’t help you sleep at night.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this over the last two days. I have spent a lot of time in my head thinking about a lot of things. Yeah, I’m having one of those moments in time where I’m looking at my life as a whole. After a fabulous week last week and then a huge-ass downer of a b-day on Monday? Well, I’m pooped! Maybe I spend too much time in my head, maybe not enough. I don’t know.

I do know that I’m still here and willing to fight the good fat fight! It’s super hard, but I’m patient and stubborn. I’m not going anywhere. Because no matter who you are, what you look like or what you’re doing? Someone hates it! But more importantly, someone loves it and you!

I have been so impressed with my fellow FA bloggers this week. I am so grateful to have them in my life. They seriously know how to write some great and articulate backlash posts! I’m not so good with that. You see, I get mad and just start swearing up a storm until the words go away entirely. Ha! And where my head is at this week? I don’t need anyone telling me that I don’t deserve the life I have worked so very fucking hard to have let alone love or the movement of my own body. I don’t need hate in my life. At all.

I don’t want the world to see me as exclusively sexually attractive or not. I don’t want to be the example of someone’s morality diatribe. I don’t want to be seen as anything but me and my multi-faceted self. I want to be left the hell alone to do my living and breathing things. I don’t need lady magazines telling anyone that just by existing I am somehow wrong and representative of all things sinful and gross. Had I wanted the opinion of, well, anyone? I’d fucking ask!

I don’t believe in hate. My religion is truth and kindness. I do think that your actions come full circle back to you. I believe in equality for everyone and not just a select few. I’m not saying that we can hug and positive think our troubles away, not at all. What I am saying is that when someone comes from a place of great privilege, they need to check themselves before they (yep, I’m gonna say it) riggety-wreck themselves! And gee, you don’t wanna see fat people kissing? Well, too bad for you! Better close your eyes today, for tomorrow fat love shall rule! (Man, I wish I could be there).

The more we are publicly fat, I think, the more normal we will (one day) be seen. I think this hate spewing is done by just a select few, but loudly. So hey, time to crank up the volume on our side and let those who are fearful know that they are not alone, they are worthy and they should have every right to all things anyone else does. You can end the hate in your heart by loving and giving when and where you can.

How else can we fight against those who would have us killed simply for being fat?

Go here…NOW: http://bigfatblog.com/body-love-attack

After my Woman Within Fail post yesterday, I realized that many people do attempt communication with retailers. To this I say, “KEEP IT UP!” & “THANK YOU!” Because every time I have tried to rally fats together for a letter writing campaign or anything close to it I get nothing but negativity and, “It makes no difference.” “Who cares?!” “They won’t listen, what’s the point?!” And that bugs the hell out of me!

I’m a firm believer in feedback. Both in life and business. I would not own my own cafe without feedback. I would not still be in business without feedback. And I give feedback to the businesses that I support and who support me. It’s vital! I know to many who just shop at larger “big box” type stores it may seem futile, but I can assure you, even at the store manager level, feedback is a remarkable thing!

How I know this? I worked in retail (from clothing to music) for over ten years. I have held every position from stock girl, fitting room attendant, cashier, assistant manager and finally store manager. I know how feedback can impact a store/retailer. Feedback can hit you like a ton of bricks, sure, but it’s what you do with it that counts!

See, retailers who receive little or no feedback, they breeze right along, growing and strong, thinking the world is their oyster. They become bigger and more arrogant. They become “too big to fail” and such bullshit. And it is these that ruin an industry! I believe the key to success, no matter what the industry or field, is feedback and using this feedback to focus, restructure, maintain and grow!

I have written many letters to retailers. I have approached overworked and underpaid retail managers with my feedback and have been given that look of, “Are you fucking kidding me with this?!” and still do it today. And you can tell right away what type of manager/company you’re dealing with by their response. Sure, e-tailers will send you a form letter with a “you will receive a personal response within 24 hours” line. But it’s what is in that response that counts. They all claim “your feedback is important to us” but if they do nothing with that feedback? If they sit on it and it never reaches the right ears/eyes? It can seem utterly pointless. I get that, I truly do. But when you get a manager/company that does get it? Well, you get results!

I am still working on a specific Target store with my feedback about their plus size section (zero signage, always messy, shoved into a tiny corner), but I’m patient & persistent! Plus, I understand retail management structure, so that helps. Sure, one letter to a giant retailer may fall on deaf ears/blind eyes, but if many people do it and all have similar feedback? It should land in the right hands!

Take Dominoes pizza for instance: they received tons of awful feedback and I don’t know if they have a new president or CEO, but that guy in the ads sure seems to give a shit about what his company is serving its customers! That is golden! I talked smack about Dominoes for ages, having never liked their pizza. After all of those ads (specifically the one with the photo of the mushed pizza) my hubby & I decided to give ’em a try. And you know what? It was fabulous! I love that garlicky seasoning they put on the crust! But I never would have tried them again without those sincere ads!

That is what it’s all about! It doesn’t have to be thousands of emails/letters, either. It is more about the feedback itself. If you write Old Navy a letter saying, “You suck! Put plus size clothes back in your stores!” it’s not going to get any attention. And I know for a fact that they have received hundreds of those. Ha-ha! But if you’re more specific, “The sizing of your jeans varies so greatly that I’m spending too much on return shipping. HELP!” you should get the help you need while also letting them know that their shit is all wongo in its sizing! This is information they need to know!

Look, I love that fire-in-the-belly, rallying the troops sort of moments when people unite for a common cause or action…but the truth is not everyone feels the same things about the same companies. Certainly there are fats who still love Lane Bryant & Torrid. While some of us reminisce about the days when things uniformly fit across style lines or were more on-trend and less polyester. Ha-ha! Telling a retailer that fat people deserve cute and comfortable clothing at affordable prices? Certainly an important message, but not an actionable thing for one retailer.

The other thing to consider is that a lot of the associates/salespeople are  women (for women’s clothing anyway), while their higher-ups or executives are often men. Huge disconnect! (Speaking from experience here.) So I must repeat: Be specific, be clear, (don’t put ten things in your feedback) and keep it simple! I’m also a firm believer in giving positive feedback, too! Just think how your day would be brightened if a customer called your manager and said, “Wendy was so sweet! She really helped me decide on the perfect outfit! She was very patient with me and helpful in suggestions and options.” Let me tell you, I have had this happen, and I wanted to leap for joy and sing from the mountain tops! So don’t hesitate!

Also, don’t hesitate with the bad feedback! It is so important for a manager to know what’s going on when they’re not there. And believe me, it gets ugly! I had an employee stealing x-boxes and game boys. I knew who it was, but never had proof (he was the only other person with a damned key to the store). If you receive bad service (or good) get names. If you’re uncomfortable telling someone to their face that they are being inappropriate or rude, get their name or a good description at least (including time of your visit/purchase). It is near impossible for a manager to ignore feedback that has all of the facts and details straight.

I hope this all makes sense. I would love to hear from anyone who has received a decent response from a retailer or even had something changed due to their feedback. I know it’s tough. But damn, we spend our hard earned monies and so much energy to give these companies our business! We vote, so to speak, with our dollars. We need to follow it up with our words! =0)