This was a dream dress, y’all! I saw this dress over two years ago for about three times the price I paid for it. When I first saw it I envisioned myself standing in front of a piano in a jazz club singing Betty Hutton songs. It could happen! Ahem! I let it go due to my financial struggles, and not yet being comfortable wearing dresses (Psshht!), but never forgot it’s beauty and how it inspired me. I watched it on eBay a couple of times, hoping for the ultimate bargain…but no dice. I’d nearly given up all hope on owning it when a couple of months ago, when I was in my full-on-Eshakti-addiction mode, I came across it again on this interesting web site: www.ChicStar.com

I bookmarked the dress the moment I saw it again. I couldn’t believe my eyes! How could it be the very same dress for such a reasonable price?! It seemed impossible to me somehow so I hesitated buying it for awhile. As December began and my NYE plans started to come into focus, I knew I needed something special and maybe this site was worth the risk. I do tend to be a bit of a risk taker when it comes to online deals. But I still wasn’t quite ready to buy the “dream dress” for some reason. I first placed my NYE dress in the cart online and then perused a bit more, always going back to the bookmark for the “dream dress.” Then I thought I might as well do a quick search for coupon codes or free shipping deals for the sight. This is when I embrace and love happenstance and all of it’s magic and wonder! You see, I not only found an amazing coupon code (I don’t even remember the actual discount, maybe 30%), but I ended up qualifying for free shipping, too if I added the “dream dress!” And so I did! And it ended up being so affordable I couldn’t believe my eyes!

When the dresses arrived though I worried. They were both too big in the bust! The price was so cheap though that I didn’t want to send them back. I got a size 28 in both dresses. I bit the bullet and went to a local tailor. I paid exactly the same amount for his services as I did for both dresses…but it was totally worth it! They now hug my bosom (or bazooms if you prefer) and I feel confident and fabulous in them (except or the elastic back on the “dream dress”, My beloved Raven pinned it for me just before Fatty Affair began so I wouldn’t have to worry about slippage)!

I also went ahead and ordered the black crinoline to go underneath, since they’d both look better with it. So glad I did! I love it, I love how it makes the dresses look and I am just so pleased with it all in general! My NYE dress started my year off right and with a bang! The “dream dress” was more than any jazz club could offer! They were both Dream Dresses and the entire experience was, too! I mean, I hadn’t worn dresses happily or comfortably since high school! And now look at me? LOOK!!! Strapless! In public! Smiling! Laughing! Dancing! And having the time of my fucking life!!!

Oh yeah! The rest! Ha-ha! I am wearing my classic pearls from Shane Co. my husband bought me ages ago and one of my most treasured possessions. Also, winter length black teggings from ReDress. You all know how much I love my teggings, right? They are the perfect offspring of tights and leggings…No chub-rub!!! And the winter length are a bit thicker/sturdier so perfect for winder or colder days. My shoes?! Oh my beloved Doc Marten’s! I love my wingtips! I wear them mostly for special occasions, but also when I want a touch of sass in my style! I always get complimented on them. They are fairly comfortable, though not the best for support on long days. Docs are like that, no worries. I got these babies on eBay for $35 a few years ago. Another of my treasured possessions. Though few they are precious to me. And my hair feathers are from Ross (Dress for Less).

I had originally planned an entirely different hair do. Then I saw these feathers! The colors were perfect! They are on a comb and cost $7.99. A bit more than I would typically spend on such a thingy of curiosity, but so glad that I did. Everyone loved them! I loved them! They added that extra pizzazz you need when you have nothing on your shoulders. I still had another hair do in mind, but after my initial 80% blow dry my husband said how much he loved the natural flip my hair was doing and so I just fucking went with it! No hairspray or nothin’! Just shoved that comb in, pinned it in place and walked out the damned door! Okay, not really…I spent over an hour on my eye liner and nearly freaked out about it big time. Stress! What can ya do? Ha-ha!

It all worked out for the best. I got so many genuine compliments that I will be floating on air for weeks! Fatty Affair was a dream come true in so many ways. It is so sad to me that it’s over now, but I am looking forward to seeing everyone’s pictures and hearing their awesome stories. Everything I’ve seen so far has been just delightful! Except for the moment face book decided to block me from my account for using a “fake name!” Ugh! Don’t get me started…

Thanks for reading…more to come! <3

It is so difficult to put into words just how I am feeling right now. It’s the Sunday afternoon, after Fatty Affair. If I told you it wasn’t nerve wracking and worse beforehand, well, don’t believe it for a second! But now? Now that it’s all over and done with? I’m in this love overdose afterglow! I feel sort of like a blissed-out version of a hangover. It’s surreal. It’s magical. It’s overwhelming! I am so full of love and positivity! I feel floaty and dreamy and inspired.

So many things fell apart and came together right up until the moment before it began (and even after and during). I felt a bit out of control. I felt guilty for sort of “checking out” of life the last couple of weeks. There were some surprises and disappointments. In the end it all found this incredible harmony and was a total blast! It was a big fat positive party, y’all! My nearest and dearest were there (with one exception, but I love ya P) and I don’t think I’ve ever felt more supported and cared for in my life!

Truth: I was so stressed to the max before we’d even gotten things set up. I was shaking! I was on the verge of a panic attack. This little fact, or the fact that I have had a few of said attacks previously, frightens people and maybe even challenges their idea of me. But I always manage to come through it better off somehow. I know that I need to get better at asking for help when I need it. I did a lot of that. I did some serious delegating, too! This is such an improvement for me already. Some friends really stepped things up and brought not only my stress level down, but made the event the true success that it was.

That I was able to make something I’d only dreamed about become a reality is still boggling my mind, but I know that I could not have done it without the help, love and support of my friends and the fat community itself. It is the thing that energizes me and inspires me and keeps me going. It is for the fat community that I did this. It is my way of giving back the love that has been given to me over the years. The community that gave me my love of style and fashion again. The community that gave me back my confidence! The community that gave me the strength to open my own business and become an activist and writer and so much more! I would not be the gal I am today without it!

A commenter mentioned recently that I sound like I am more alive than ever. I agree completely. I am more alive! I am more keenly aware of the world around me. I am more present and playing a more active role in my own life! It is a powerful thing. I have found that it is only when I stick my neck out, stand up and out, and most importantly get outside of my comfort zone that these amazing things and incredible people come into my life. I urge to to look around and choose for yourself to follow your passions and shove fear aside!

Had I let fear hold me back, Fatty Affair would not have happened. My cafe would never have happened. I would not be wearing dresses again…oh so many pretty dresses! I wouldn’t even think of attempting to write a book! No, fear can go fuck itself in a cold, dark corner! I’m through with fear. I’m through with my inner critic and I am learning to embrace my own vitality and awesomeness! Because “‘To dance or not to dance?” Should never be the question!” and not giving a damn what other people think of me is such a weight lifted from my soul!

I have never been so moved, touched, loved and supported in all of my life. This feeling is beyond words. The people I met and hugged and belly bumped yesterday have changed my life! The work was worth it because of them. The difficult choices I have had to make are all the more clear to me now and why I had to make them.  I feel nearly invincible. I have no fear of an ego growth though, this was not the fruits of the labor of one. No, this was a village effort! This was a tribal celebration! This was what fat liberation/acceptance/pride means to me!

I want you all to know, the many that could not attend the event due to various reasons and circumstances: You were right there with me! You were holding me up and making me smile! I pretty much smiled for five hours straight!!! Ha-ha! It was for you that I strutted my stuff on the “catwalk” and shimmied and danced! It was in your honor that I wore what I wore and said what I said. You give me so much and I want you to know that I am feeling it! I am accepting it! And I am loving it! <3

*You can pretty much count on this entire week being about Fatty Affair! More pictures to come, too, lovelies!

That can make you feel so friggin’ awesome!!!

Like Bright Blue Nail Polish (for the first time)!!! (Not really my nails, camera not cooperating)

New Lipsticks that look good and feel good, too:

Being anonymous in a random town

Being anonymous in a big city and just walking around like you live there

Friends! I have the most incredible friends, y’all!
They have so been there for me when I needed them lately and I cannot thank and love them enough!

My readers and commenters! I love you all! You amaze and inspire me everyday! You have touched me in some unexpected ways and I am so grateful to you for the time you spend on this blog. =0)

And now for something completely different…

So last week for work I got to go to the Fancy Food Show in San Francisco! It’s a little hard to describe, but let’s see what I can manager here:

Picture a giant arena, but rather than a stage and endless seating, think exhibition booths…for food! Like all the kinds of food! It’s colorful and magical and aromatic and wondrous! Everyone is having a good time, everyone is chatting and mingling…it’s like a giant party for snacks! Well, more than snacks, I mean just everything! It’s not all sweets, so it’s not like Wonka’s pad, but that vibe for sure! I was there representing HappyGoat Caramel and giving everyone samples. I probably talked to a thousand people.

I wasn’t feeling my best the first day of the show, but the last day I felt great. I took a lunch break and just walked around the international section…completely blissed-out! Like, seriously? I still have a smile on my face! I had a bit of this and a cup of that and a taste of delicate little those and it was all so lovely! I felt like a friggin’ princess! Forgive me, but it’s true! I felt fabulous, like a dream! The Moscato sample really helped (my fave)! Then ravioli fresh out of the skillet with spinach and ricotta filling and freshly shaves Parmesan…served by a lovely and smiling Italian man! I mean? What the fuck more could you want out of life?! Ha-ha!

Actually, people watching was the most fun for me. It’s like shopping because so many people and so many styles and styling, but also, I am in a head space where nearly everyone is majorly attractive to my eyes! It’s nice, believe me! Ha-ha! I felt like I was getting paid to flirt and offer people candy! Technically that is pretty much it, but it sounds so salacious! Ha-ha! I love it! I can handle salacious! Anyhoo, food! I didn’t even try that much stuff, honestly. It was a feast for the eyes as much as anything else. Just amazing!

The best part was watching people’s faces as they tried our caramels and sauces. They’d come up to the booth with their poker face and turn dreamy and childlike. It’s like you’re watching them frolic in their happy place in their heads! To make someone feel that simple joy? It’s a special moment, y’all, truly! I enjoyed chatting and flirting and laughing and having a great time with them all. Food is such a memory inducer and bonder (is that a word?) of people. You know what they’re tasting and understand what they must be feeling…even when they get all “notey” about stuff (like wine talk with the notes of this and the nose of that) I love it! They geek out and I smile and soak it up!

The title of this post is from a Taiwanese snack company. It’s the slogan on their fruit flavored soft candy packs. It has this cute little girl on it. Like this one, only in pink with strawberries and stuff:

Anyway, it was a lot of work and a lot of fun. The city was blustery and cold and I couldn’t wait to get out of their after the long days. Everyone loved our products and it was a blast to see so much cool stuff and people, too! What an experience?!

Sometimes when you step outside your comfort zone you can sort of lose yourself in the moment. I sort of caught a glimpse of my reflection and didn’t recognize myself. It surprised me, but I liked what I saw versus what I was thinking. It was an interesting moment. Life is a tricky thing and perception can be trickier. But I also think that things do happen for a reason. We can’t always see beyond the moment we’re in at the time, but can begin to come together in unexpected ways, too.

I get so caught up in my own thoughts from time to time that I can literally stress myself out sitting still! Not healthy! I needed to do something. It was eating me up inside. Time, after so many years, can lose it’s reliable pace. Childhood summers often felt endless while winter break always seemed so fleeting. We work full time and forty hours can feel like torture. The monotony of life can weigh us down and we may not even realize it. Soon we’re simply part of the machine or system or matrix…

It takes something unexpected to jolt us back to reality. It takes an event, a tragedy, a person, a gift, a stumble, a windfall. Something occurs and you can’t understand how you ended up where you are. It’s like you’ve just been walking and forgot what your destination was. I turned around and looked at where I was and was surprised that I was where I am. It made me sad. It made me depressed. It made me angry and I began to fight back, but without knowing what I wanted I couldn’t find my next step.

So I faced some fears. I stared them in the face and said, “I just don’t care!” I have to finally live for me. I have to be my most authentic self and grow! Being miserable was never a life goal, so what if that’s how I spent a lot of my time. I always thought I’d get beyond that old shit. I just never did. It was always there, holding me back. I had been so depressed it began to affect my health. I had no appetite. My gust were in knots. My digestion a disaster. I didn’t enjoy things any more. Life just became a routine again. I looked back and realized that the cafe was so awful because it sort of concentrated these feelings into a full time job. That isn’t how I wanted it to be.

I’m not looking for riches. I’m not looking for fame. I’m not looking for anything but my own journey here. I know that I need to break out on my own and see what I can do. It terrifies me and excites me! If I fail now, I do it on my own terms. If I succeed, same thing. This is life! I can “ride my own melt” and find pleasures wherever I seek them. I don’t know what new adventures and challenges this will bring, but that is okay. I’m doing it and I’m in it, for me. <3