NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Soulmate in a Dress

December19

Sometime in early 2012, I found my soulmate in a dress from Eshakti (a dress lover’s best friend). I didn’t know it exactly at the time, but this dress would be THE dress for so many important/traumatic/interesting/joyful moments in my life in the coming years. I soon also discovered a love of vintage haberdashery that in the end created the perfect ensemble! My size has changed a few times, the dress was originally custom sized to my measurements but still arrived too big and had to be taken in. Yet it still fits perfectly. When I bought it I had no idea what occasions it might suit, but the hat I found in an antique shop guided me. It was love at first sight with that hat, too.

These things were still so new to me, as I had never truly presented myself as very femme in the past. I was slowly but surely building up quite a dress collection. At the time, Eshakti had fantastic coupon codes and for a year I was part of their board of consumers who provided much feedback on their prototype designs and fabrics, good times. I had been previously gifted a string of pearls by my then (now ex) husband that went perfectly with the look that I was building. Years later I found a pair of vintage gloves in ivory with tiny pearl accents in an antique store for a steal, along with some vintage handkerchiefs. I was amazed at how they all sort of called out to me in their own way and yet all fit together as though they were meant to be.

I have worn this ensemble many times and each time feels like the first. It just works! I’m no fifties housewife, nor would I ever want to be, but something about this look just tickles me. Maybe it’s my own ridiculous form of rebellion by pushing back against what women went through when such styles were in vogue. Maybe it’s a strange way to rebel against my own punk rock heart. I don’t know, but it is love in a very real and pure form.

I wore it for the curtain call in the first Big Moves Bay Area dance show with my dance partner Tigress. I wore it for the Sunday Salon at NoLose in 2013. I wore it to the Fatty Affair Family Picnic. I wore it to my ex-husband’s fancy dress (costumes were encouraged) wedding reception. And just this past weekend, I wore it to the #FatAndFree High Tea! I got so many comments and compliments I finally put all of these moments together in my head and realized just how important this outfit is to me.

I have often struggled with fashion and finding my own sense of style. It’s a lifelong journey that never stops evolving and I have always enjoyed the ride. While I would never call this my definitive style or something that represents me or my personality, really. It is something that I am proud to rely on. I didn’t have to think about what to wear to tea, I just knew! And so I share with you photos of these moments, in this ensemble, this dress, that hat, all of it over the past five years…


After the 2012 Big Moves Dance Show, BFF did a photoshoot for fun…

2013 Last Day of NoLose PDX

2013 Fatty Affair Family Picnic

12-16-17 #FatAndFree High Tea

Have you found such a garment that just makes your heart sing? I remember a specific granny dress (Mervyn’s) from my grunge days that I’d pair with one of my dad’s flannels and my classic Doc Martens boots (that I’d found at Ross for $20!!!). Oh to have that ensemble back!!! I recall my thirteenth birthday gift from my BFF Summer was what would now be called high waisted black skinny jeans with the zipper in the back along with bows and zips at the ankles (and a t-shirt that said “U Cant’ Touch This” with neon handprints all over it! HAHAHA!). I had a beloved peter pan collared Smurf shirt in Kindergarten. Until just now I hadn’t really thought about these things.

Fashion can make us feel so many things, but when it feels most you is when it becomes more than just fabric and thread. It almost bears witness to our moments and struggles and triumphs and dreams.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB!

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (and updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

I also have an Instagram I’ve finally started to actually use: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

posted under fashion, fat, inspiration, Rad Fatty Alert | No Comments »

You Can’t Change Someone

November20

(White text box with black text that reads: “You can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue with their actions.”

Aprox. 9 minute read
I came across the above-unattributed statement whilst scrolling my Facebook feed and whoa did it strike the nail right on the head! Whew! We need to talk about the people in our lives who abuse, shame, blame, and frame us! I would say especially this time of year, but no, these assholes are always dragging us down and we just allow it until, well, we don’t. I’m definitely of the “don’t” group more often than not, as I have learned far too many times the hard way that sooner is better than later with these jerks. Yeah, jerks! 😛
Okay, first of all, you can’t change someone else, in my opinion. You can influence, you can encourage and reinforce, but you can’t actually change another human being. Like, yes by knowing someone we all over time change, but that’s not what this is about. This is about the people in our lives we may, in fact, love, but who simply refuse to see how damaging or unreasonable their behavior is. Typically at first, it’s easy to forgive a misstep or misunderstanding. I am not an unforgiving soul, but I’m also not willing to be complicit in my own oppression. That is what this is really about!
I know it’s easier for some than others to cut someone out of your life. I have sort of become known for this trait. I don’t hold this as a positive or negative, only something that is necessary from time to time. Some may view this as heartless, cold, or unreasonable, but in most ways, for me, it’s been a matter of sanity and survival. Personally, this has been my bio-mother, friends, romantic partners/interests, and later my step-mother and finally my father. It’s never easy, or something you truly want to do. You want the other person to see how much they are hurting you or how they make you feel. I think all anyone really wants in their relationships is to be seen and understood and supported. When you look at the people in your life, do they make you feel seen, understood, and supported? Do you think you do that for them? It’s something to think about. (And Gaslighting is a real thing that happens more often than we can tell, check out this article on the topic, it was an eye-opener for me.)
I think it’s very telling (and vital) to pay attention to how you feel, that first natural feeling when someone’s name pops up on your phone (call or text). I think most of us ignore that fleeting feeling and move onto action mode, which is unfortunate. If you take a beat and a breath after that name pops up, what then? I think it’s a moment of honesty and self-reflection. If someone makes you feel gross, about anything, maybe give some space and time to that relationship and see how you feel in a few weeks. It will give you time to process your feelings and assess the relationship from a new perspective. It’s healthy! And often by doing so you can improve and strengthen that relationship! It’s not all doom and gloom! Haha! I have often advised friends who were uncertain about whether to break up with someone or end a friendship that they should change their phone contacts’ name for that person to how they make them feel. This way when they get a call or text they’ll see, “betrayal, shame, hurt” instead of Pat. Kinda forces you to think about it if it’s something you were avoiding. I have heard it helps. I’m just glad that Android and most social media settings allow for blocking certain people all together!
My step-mother lied to my entire family (had 3-4 different stories, depending on whom you asked) in order to get them to stop talking to me…for three years! What did I do? NOTHING! In fact, I went out of my way at every opportunity with her (agreed to let her legally adopt me as an adult) in order to keep peace within my family and make my dad happy. Ha! No one was fucking happy, doubt anyone is now, but I digress. No one ever told her that her incessant lying and manipulating was wrong. When my little brother asked her calmly and plainly why she lied to him as she was in the middle of the lie she would start to cry and go right into the next lie to get out of the first. Maddening! When my then-husband and I would meet up with my  family for dinner at restaurants, even when there was no present drama (she once burst into tears and threatened to make us all leave because her shrimp was spicy…she ordered the Cajun shrimp. *sigh*), I would fall into a deep depression for sometimes two weeks afterwards. Mostly due to how both parental entities interacted with my brother (telling him to shut up the moment he said a word), or outdated and offensive jokes they would later deny knowledge of. I didn’t even catch it myself, but my then-husband did. He hated seeing me suffer, and we talked about it.
Guess what? You’re an adult! (I’m guessing, but perhaps not. No biggie! I still think you get to decide for yourself who you allow in your life.) You get to decide who you let into your life and share space with. With the exception of work, I suppose. Can we all just agree to try to nip toxic behaviors in the workplace in the bud collectively? Cool. If you’re not one for confrontation, it is perfectly okay and acceptable and grown-up to let someone know that they are making you feel uncomfortable. There’s no argument against stating your immediate feeling. I prefer to tell someone to their face that their behavior is unacceptable, but your mileage may vary. Another helpful phrase I recently heard was, “We don’t do that here.” It’s a plain and neutral statement, no need for further explanation. Solid! In a society built upon white supremacy and misogyny, we all need to work together to keep these clueless assholes from continuing their reign of violence and idiocy!!! Ahem.
Yeah, I’m going there because we all need to fucking go there!!! Because some people who find themselves with a particle of power will find a way to abuse it! More often than not, this goes unchecked, maybe forever. I say fuck that! Life is too short and too precious to put up with that bullshit! Seriously, even in small doses or minor-seeming offenses, these things add up and they can tear people and families and companies and democracies apart! Microaggressions are real and they chip away at our self-esteem and hold us back from having the lives we work so hard for. It’s important to take a moment to pause and really consider how people impact us. Sometimes it’s our own behaviors exacerbating a problem or perhaps we’re just not seeing eye to eye and a sort of relationship stalemate occurs. This is pretty common, I think. Two of my oldest friendships are definitely there. I don’t think any of us actually hate or condemn one another. It’s just that we live very different lives and kind of forgot how to relate to each other now. This is natural.
Substance abuse has a huge impact on all of our lives. Though I haven’t struggled with addiction myself, I have been very close to many who have. It is heartbreaking what it can do to otherwise brilliant humans. After spending five years as a hostage in an abusive relationship with someone addicted to many substances, I became hyper-aware of those behaviors in others. I once had to walk away, though temporarily (thank the universe), from even my oldest friendship because I felt unsafe and was at the time unable to process those feelings and associations. I felt bad about it at the time, but I see now how integral to my survival it was, too. I do think it is okay to walk away from something you just know you can’t handle. It’s extra hard when you know that the person you’re walking away from isn’t the person you truly cared about, to begin with. Substances change people and turn them into monsters, though not always. I have a lot of compassion for anyone’s life’s struggles, it’s not an easy feat for anyone to go through.
At the end of the day, you have to look out for yourself. You can’t help others if you’re suffering, too! This is a life lesson I have learned, the hard way, repeatedly. I expand and contract with each new human I allow in my life and bond with. I trust until I can’t and then I never want to again, over and over. It feels sometimes as though everyone only wants to take from everyone else or they’re out to get you. I know it’s not true, but dammit if it doesn’t feel that way at times. Especially when going through tough times, it feels as though folks would rather watch you go down flames than offering any actual compassion or support. Yeah, that’s part of the reason why I haven’t been able to write for so long. When people make you feel unsafe or gross about being yourself: RED FLAG! I worked hard to become the person I am today, hot mess that I am. It is a journey and I don’t need fuckers throwing nails on my road, dammit!
Truth is, I’ve written about this subject before, but it was centered around fatness. I think this post does a bit deeper dive into interpersonal relationships, rather than our bodies. Our bodies are not the cause of other people’s behaviors, though they will claim that it is and that it’s all our fault, every step of the way. It’s not. You and I and everyone deserves to exist in the world and live the best life that they can! There will always be fat haters, but you don’t have to allow them into your actual life! You can tell them why, or not, whatever works for you. Fat acceptance is about autonomy, plain and simple! That’s it! Live and let live, ya know? I’ve had a few people cut me out of their lives without explanation, a couple even said that they honestly didn’t know why, and then continued to not want to communicate after and I respect that. It’s not for me to decide what’s best for them. Nor is it anyone else’s to decide for me. Autonomy! Woo!
Are you struggling with certain relationships in your life? Are you dreading interacting with certain people? Are “The Holidays” giving you anxiety because of certain people you feel you can’t avoid? Have you cut someone out of your life? What other relationship struggles are you dealing with? Let’s talk, discuss, and share!

Thank you so much for your continued love and support! I have been truly touched by the kindness and generosity of the readers of this blog. My fat community has been such a bright light in a dark time. You have my undying gratitude and affection!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB!

If you are able, please consider donating any sum you see fit to support and keep the blog alive until I’m back on my feet again. It isn’t much to raise ($150 for hosting), but I am hoping enough people can donate a buck or two in order to keep this little safe space alive another year. I have more things I want to share with you and some exciting fat projects I’ll be partnering on soon! Stay tuned!

Donate here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (and updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

posted under Abuse, Bullshit, Equal Rights, fat, Fat Acceptance, inspiration, Politics | 1 Comment »

When “The Holidays” are Triggering…or worse!

November17

(Image of small illustrated holiday tree with the following written above it:
Reminder: we don’t have to continue holiday traditions that leave us broke, overwhelmed, and tired.)

*Aprox. 11 minute read

I came across this image and text whilst scrolling my FB feed and I instantly clicked and shared it to my own timeline, but then it wouldn’t leave my mind immediately and I realized just how much I’m processing and working through so much of my own stuff around this time of the year. My own current circumstances may differ than many/most, but I hope to alleviate some of the negative things we all think about and carry with us through this complicated season. This isn’t about religion at all, for me or for this post, but more about family dynamics, consumerism, societal obligations, and general toxic behaviors. I hope you will comment below with your own thoughts and feels and advice if you have them to share. These thoughts and feels are my own, no matter how unpopular. Ha!

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The media and marketers want us to buy into the idea that “The Holidays” are about family, togetherness, giving, kindness, celebration, gratitude, helping those in need, etc. What that really looks and feels like in our actual lives is often very different. And even if it is still about those things, it doesn’t mean that’s what we’re actually feeling while in the midst of it all. It’s more often than not the most stressful, saddest, toughest, coldest, rudest, and most triggering time of year. I personally feel that the brunt of this hustle and bustle and work and emotional labor (not to mention the shopping, gift wrapping, housekeeping, cooking and such for these gatherings) falls on women almost exclusively, but that isn’t what this post is about. This is about the toll these things take on us. The impact they have on our quality of life and most of all the trauma we endure and ultimately have to carry as a result of it all.

Yes, I said Trauma. It’s a heavy word, but necessary. We are exposed to people, places, and things at this time of year that we just aren’t the rest of the year. There’s the travel aspect if that’s something you must go through to visit with family. As a fat bodied individual, you are subject to an entirely different set of rules if traveling by aircraft on a commercial airline. You may be forced to buy two seats, you may be forced off of a flight you’ve already boarded, you may be abused or assaulted by fellow travelers and even airline personnel. This is something we accept as part of the privilege of air travel, but it is traumatic. You can plan for everything, but the world still chooses (IT IS A CHOICE!!!) to oppress fat people throughout the world. It might be the only time of year you travel because of this. You might be preparing for your travels now and considering if it’s truly worth it or not. This doesn’t even bring the financial impact of air travel into this equation, but I’ll get to that shortly. You do this to be with Family! Your Loved ones! They would do it for you…right?!

Family traditions! Oh, the warm and fuzzy wholesomeness of being Home with Family for The Holidays! Right?! Isn’t that what this is all about? Every family has their own traditions and rituals or ceremonies. My family would go to Midnight mass after spending Christmas Eve at one of my grandparents’ home for a big dinner. The next morning we’d open our gifts at home but then rush over to our other grandparents’ house for the opening of more presents, followed by a full day and evening of family revelry. We’d usually get home late, exhausted (I often had to be carried to the car or into the house after passing out), but full of that family love that everyone hopes to have in their lives forever. I just didn’t realize I would only have it for 13 years. Ha-ha!

That’s not always so close to reality, that wholesome image. Often, families at this time of year consist of a variety of personalities, values, and beliefs. Sometimes those beliefs are outdated and downright damaging. But we’re expected to remain silent (especially women!) and “just try to enjoy the holiday!” So what exactly are we getting together to celebrate here? If we have to just shut up and sit down for this shit, we become part of our own oppression. Wait! Aren’t we supposed to be celebrating togetherness?!

Okay, okay…Family! Maybe your extended family isn’t toxic. Awesome! You sit around the dinner table passing all those delicious homemade dishes you’ve been looking forward to. Grandma’s pie and Auntie’s casserole, but the minute you take a helping for yourself all eyes are on your plate! If it’s only that you’re lucky. Often our worst food and body policing come from those who claim they love us most, Family. If it’s not monitoring your portions or actual food choices, it’s comments on your body, unsolicited diet advice, mentions of abusive ex-boyfriends (okay, that one’s personal), and more. I don’t care what they say, they are not concerned about your health at all! If they were they wouldn’t make you feel like absolute shit for simply inhabiting a fat body! It isn’t your fault! You have done nothing wrong!

The foodstuff doesn’t seem to end, really. If it’s not one holiday feast it’s another, or a potluck at work, it’s always something! And there is always some miserable ninny who will ooh and aah at all those delightful and delicious delectables, only to loudly shame and blame anyone actually eating the fucking food! I hate this person, and I don’t care who they are! This person hates themselves, hard! This person is mad at you for not feeling as bad as they do. This person will steal joy from a toddler! Seriously! Unforgivable! There must be some requirement for every company ever to hire this person. UGH!!! Anyway, fuck them, enjoy and nourish yourself!

The financial impact of this season is perhaps toughest of all. How many of us have gone into debt all in the name of giving? Or had to go without necessities yourself so that you could give to those you love? I get it. It’s hard to make those choices. And I don’t know what it’s like to have the added pressure of having kids who expect things this time of year. I grew up poor, but my grandparents always made sure we didn’t go without too much. Though being an 80’s kid (born in ’77, after all), it was the height of the toy craze. I’m kind of glad about this part in a way, I mean even now I never really want or expect the newest/coolest/hottest/top of the line anything! Ha!

For me, one of the worst parts of this time of year is the societal obligations and phoniness. People you know who outright hate you will somehow make you feel as though you should be buying them a special gift just for knowing they exist. Then there are the competitive gifters! You know the type. You think you got them a nice, thoughtful gift and then they get you something ridiculous like fucking plane tickets or some nonsense (I realize how that sounds, I’m a very untrusting human, because that very thing happened to me). There’s just so damned much you’re “supposed to do” because of what time of year it is and that just stinks, in my opinion! Even if you aren’t religious, there’s this whole American way of consumerism that drives folks out in hordes, and often against each other, all in the name of bargains. It’s disgusting. (I worked retail for ten years.)

Look, it isn’t all terrible. I love the smell of the crisp, late-autumn air! Few things in this world exhilarate me like that or fresh and new rains (it’s so rare in California, I cherish every drop!). The scent of douglas firs and pine and veggies roasting in a hot oven. I love giving gifts most of all and take it very seriously! But the pressures of the holidays are just too fucking much, dude! Gift giving is my love language and let me tell you, I have been hurt and burned far too many times. Now I hold back, I can’t just give because I want to anymore. Not just because I’m broke as fuck, but because often folks don’t know how to handle a thoughtful gift, given directly from the heart. It can be too intense for some.

I’m voluntarily estranged from my family as I write this. I’m also divorced, single (no romantic partner to speak of, not that I’m prioritizing that at all right now, obv.), and unemployed, living alone for the first time in my life.  I don’t know how to feel this year. Mostly just terrified for my survival, but aside from that, how does one celebrate when all of the trappings of the season do not apply? How can I not let all the past traumas of my life drag me down in my darkest hour as these dates approach? I am fortunate to have an incredible friend group who feels more like family (most of the time) than my own ever has. But they each have their own families to celebrate with. I’m not “Oh woe is me!” over here, I am simply looking at patterns and behaviors and society more critically these days.

I used to love Christmas! I would wear Santa hats and eat a candy cane every day with glee! In my town, we have a Candy Cane Lane where all the houses in the neighborhood decorate and the fire department gives out candy canes to the kids, and families and couples stroll along the sidewalks in the evenings. It’s really lovely and special (and you probs have one in your town, too), and I miss all of those feelings that used to go along with all of that. I miss my grandma and my aunt Jo and I can’t ever think about this time of year without them, their warm and inviting homes and arms, their cooking and hilarious banter. This year especially! I have never felt more alone in the world in my entire life! Not lonely, mind you. I just miss what family meant back when ya know? I miss the matriarchs of my family in a deep and cutting way I can’t quite put into words.

This time of year also brings up a lot of memories of my adolescence, like my first love. We met just 1 week before Christmas. I’d sneak out at night and walk around my neighborhood with them or sneak them in my window and just kiss and hold each other for hours. I don’t know how I never got caught! Ha-ha! It felt so romantic though, to be freezing cold out, but so full of warmth from a connection between two people. It didn’t last long, but it is still fresh in my mind and I just haven’t ever had to think about this time of year as a single, solo, independent human. It feels complicated! Ha! I’m glad to have my own space and safe place to live. I just miss having someone to stay in and keep warm with.

Facing December without a job is so tough! Most companies won’t start hiring until mid-January when the new budgets come out. So I have to just stick it out and hope for the best. I have been applying to allllll the jobs and have already had a bunch of interviews, but these things take time. Patience I have, but money I do not. I’m actually far worse off financially than ever before in my life, and I know I have published those exact words the last time I would out of work. I can assure you that this time it is far worse. C’est la vie!

I share all of my absurdities because I want you to know that it’s okay to question what has “always been”. It’s okay to not want to do things that you didn’t or don’t get to have a say in. It’s perfectly awesome to start or create your own new traditions and rituals, with whomever you choose! Seriously, what other point to adulthood is there?!  You get to decide what you will and won’t stand for in your life and in your celebrations. There will always be hard times, complicated feels and so much to navigate through this time of year. You can choose to opt out or to opt-in, in whatever way feels right for you!

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If you do not have a support system of your own for the coming festivities, I offer my unbiased and empathetic ears/eyes. Send me an email, take a load off your mind or chest or whatever, I get it and I’m here for ya! notblueatall@notblueatall.com I’m also on some other apps and things if you need real-time support. I don’t yet know what my plans are for celebrating if I even feel like it at the time. But I’m always glad to be able to provide some emotional support for someone who truly needs it.

What gets you through a difficult holiday season? How do you prioritize your own self-care? What helps you stay away from self-destructive behaviors when it’s so easy to fall into those traps? What is your favorite part of this time of year? Least favorite? How do you stay true to your beliefs when surrounded by others toxic behaviors? Do you have a new tradition or ritual you started? Do you have a fave handmade item or recipe you’re proud of? I wanna hear it all!

Thank you so much for your continued love and support! I have been truly touched by the kindness and generosity of the readers of this blog. My fat community has been such a bright light in a dark time. You have my undying gratitude and affection!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB!

If you are able, please consider donating any sum you see fit to support and keep the blog alive until I’m back on my feet again. It isn’t much to raise ($150 for hosting), but I am hoping enough people can donate a buck or two in order to keep this little safe space alive another year. I have more things I want to share with you and some exciting fat projects I’ll be partnering on soon! Stay tuned!

Donate here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (and updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

posted under Bargains, Blog, Bullshit, fat, Fat Acceptance, Food, inspiration, Uncategorized | No Comments »

Countdown to 40!!!

October18

Holy shit! Yes, it’s true, it’s real, and I have been assured, that 40 IS in fact a Thing! Whaaaaaaat?! In 7 days I will turn 40! I had been very excited about this for some time, as not everyone gets the privilege. I’m also facing this, among so many other things, alone. (Note: I did not say lonely!!!) As life is known to do, it grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me, HARD! Last week I was fired, right out of the clear blue sky, for literally doing my job! (Obviously not what they put down on paper, but I didn’t work for dummies.) I’ve never been fired before, and I’m still in shock. Just a few weeks ago I was pulled aside by a VP and told that they upped my equity because, “You’re an important and valuable member of the team!” So, trust no one, basically.

While my head’s still spinning and I’m questioning reality, it has also shown me who is there, who is real, and who will show up for me when needed. Two weeks ago I walked the runway as the most awkward model in Curvy Girl Lingerie’s annual fashion show. And this past weekend I did a little song and dance number for Big Moves Bay Area’s annual “A Taste for Dance” show. The contrast between  those two events is night and day! They were both body positive, of course, but only one was truly fat accepting and inclusive, IMHO. I’ll get into that more soon, as I have the time I should do my absolute best to get back to writing if I can. My block has been unbearable! (Perhaps I’ll talk about that soon as well.)

I have been single since March, but I haven’t really been interested in dating much. Yes, I’ve gone on a few dates, most good, one terrible, and one awesome one.  I’ve had some heavy crushes (the current one is made of magic, I swear!), had some minor hurts and heavy disappointments, but overall I’m good in that department. I’ve been more focused on work and building/maintaining friendships. Ultimately, I would like to meet people to date and get to know and connect with on a deeper level. Dating has changed, even online dating has changed in the four years I was in an LTR. Luckily I have a strong bullshit detector, and don’t waste time on fools. I have become more secure in my own sexuality and identities (Bi-Sapio-Femme), though, and I am glad for that!

I don’t really feel as though I’m at an ending of something, though. It feels more like the start of something…big! I’ve had this feeling for awhile, that I’m on the brink of something awesome, and I guess getting canned made that suddenly become even more clear. Just wish I knew what it is so I could get right on it or at least begin the research! Ha-ha! I trust in the journey and the process. I trust in the people who have become my support system to steer me away from disaster. I really just haven’t a clue what it is I’m meant to do at this particular juncture of life. *Shrugs*

I have wanted to post here for some time, but never could get the words to come out. I want to change that. I want to share with you my thoughts, feels, struggles, and joys. I want to rebuild and repair the relationship I once had with my readers, and hopefully in doing so attract new thoughts, ideas, and people into this sphere. As I have been inspired by fat community countless times, I hope to give as much back as I can. It is what makes me do these intimidating things and continue to challenge my own and others misconceptions about fatness, feminism, bodies, autonomy, fashion, connections, and you know, just, like, every damned thing! Ha-ha!

I know one thing is for certain, I have the love and support of my nearest and dearest friends all over the world. I carry that with me for the tough moments. We just never know what the universe has in store for us at any given point in time. I want to thank those who have seen me when I felt the most unseen, held me when I struggled hardest against my own journey, and gifted me with their truth and their stories when they saw that I wanted to listen. It is through these interactions and connections that I have found strength and light in a world that seems unreal and cruel.

Birthdays are really tough for me, when I hope or trust, I get mostly hurt and trauma. So, I can’t. I know this is the past getting in the way of the future, but it’s a wound that refuses to close on it’s own. I have a tiny, glimmering, pinprick of a hope that this year’s and all the ones going forward will help to heal this wound.

I see friends celebrate their entire birthday month with something each day, but that sounds almost terrifying to me! Ha-ha! Then again, every single thing I had planned this month has been terrifying, and I’m a firm believer in getting out of your comfort zone, but this? Celebrating myself? No, that feels so wrong. So, perhaps I’ll simply share a thought or memory or photo for the rest of this month and hope that you will chime in with your usual wit and wisdom!

#TooBlessedToBeStressed #PugLife #FatAndFree #SingleReadyToMingleWithFeminists #BiPride #Gratitude #BadAssFatAss

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

If you feel so inclined (Ranges from $2 – $150):
My 40th Birthday Wish List: http://a.co/0a2nLYO
Cash & Gift cards also appreciated…I just lost my job! 😛

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posted under Blog, Equal Rights, fat, Fat Acceptance, inspiration, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

LSP: Unintentionally Inspirational?

August7

This is “LSP” or “Lumpy Space Princess” (if you’re nasty?!)…she’s from a cartoon I love called “Adventure Time” on the Cartoon Network. She sounds like a valley girl and is, um, lumpy! I fucking love her!!! She floats around and generally just talks smack and snarks at people, but you also see the insecurity behind the lumps, if you will, and how difficult it is to be a teenage girl in today’s society. LSP is both sassy and confident and insecure and dying to fit in (she once wanted surgery to smooth out her lumps so she’d be seen as hot or attractive)! It is because of this, her realness and honesty, that I love her so.

Her catchphrases include: “Lump off!” “What the lump?!” “Oh my glob!” and “You can’t handle these lumps!”

In fact, I love her so much I want to dress up as LSP for Halloween this year! I’ve been thinking about it for awhile and only now started to look into it online. When I looked up “Lumpy Space Princess Cosplay” in google images? Holy amazeballs! So many rad fatties!!! I realized right then that I couldn’t be the only one to notice this possibly unintentionally inspirational rad fatty cartoon character! Yay!

And oh how inspiring the fatty cosplay stuff is! People never cease to amaze me! So fucking creative and awesome! I love them all, but I won’t lie, the one that really made me want to be LSP for Halloween was this one:

There’s actually a bunch of pics of this rad fatty in her LSP costume (on Tumblr) and it’s so fabulous! There’s also tons of human-like fan art of LSP:

So fun! If you haven’t seen the show or just aren’t into cartoons, well, you might like it? It’s sort of a fantastical world where magic and shit happens. All in the name of ADVENTURE!!! *SwordThrust* I know it’s not for everyone, but I’m hooked! My favorite character changes often, but LSP has some great and memorable lines. Watching her character struggle and remind me of some old pressures and cliches, I’ve grown to love her so!

What do you think about LSP? Accidental fat inspo? Do I have it all wrong? Hit me up in comments! 😉

 

 

(I love her so much that when my bf saw a little plushy LSP at the store he exclaimed, “Oh! I have got to get this for you!”I now keep her on my bedside table. <3 “You can’t handle these lumps!”)

 

posted under fat, FUN!, inspiration, Politics, Rad Fatty Alert, Uncategorized | 2 Comments »
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