I remember this feeling. This feeling of being so alone yet surrounded by people who love me. It feels wrong yet sweetly painful. When I get like this I dwell, deep and hard! Oh yeah, baby! But seriously, I get caught up or under a spell or something. I reflect and think. It’s probably healthy in some ways. In others quite the opposite, mentally speaking. I always manage to come out of it though. Usually with the help of friends. Scratch that! ALWAYS with the help of friends. Yet the two I have known the longest and have help me the most feel so far away from me right now. I feel I have distanced myself from them.

I fear they might recognize my same old shit. My letting my emotions run my life! Oh same old Sarah! Ha-ha! Wasn’t I saying just a few days ago that I wanted to celebrate my melodrama?! What was I asking for?! Ha-ha! I can only hide from my own bullshit for so long I suppose. I feel not quite so shattered as the other day. My mind begins to race any time it’s idle…which is apparently a lot. I was just explaining to my husband moments ago that writing helps me slow down my thoughts and sort them out. Jeanette suggested doing so and she’s been right about pretty much everything else ever, so here I am. Pouring my heart out onto this digital page for all to see. People often praise me or feel in awe of my ability to turn off the filters and just say what I feel. What is most frustrating is how few people in the world choose to do that.

Words are what can heal or harm for me. Words can throw me into a euphoric state of bliss! They can tear me down to nothing and I will only want them more. Funny thing about calling myself a writer and being so uneducated on the subject. Fuck it! I didn’t know shit about running a business either, but I did it. I lived with that decision for two and a half years. At some point it became agony. Many days I wanted to run away and never look back. It seems so attractive, running away. To just leave it all behind and start a new life. I’ve done that before, sort of.

I find myself reexamining things I haven’t even thought of in years. What my principles really are, you know, what I stand for. Remembering the fire within myself. Being dazzled by life. Being entranced by music! Gawd, how I had forgotten how fucking great it feels to just listen to an album or make a mix-tape! It is a joy of such simple and single mindedness. I highly recommend it. I have loved music, art and poetry for as long as I can remember (and I have crib memories). Somehow life made me forget how much it all meant to me, what words meant to me. I allowed this to happen. But art always saves, no matter it’s form.

Art and love. How could I ever turn my back on you? Music was my greatest passion. A song is always in my head, if not two or three simultaneously. When I turn a friend onto a song, artist or album and they really dig it? It feels like they understand me, that they’ve seen inside of my soul! I know how that sounds, bring on the melodrama! Ha-ha! I think being in touch with my feelings all of a sudden is good somehow. Like, maybe I had shut some shit down for awhile for a reason and now my system is ready to GO! Only I’m not sure where.

I have been pretty self accepting of myself for awhile now, no major struggles or anything lately. Grateful for that. But the last few days some things have come back. I feel like people are staring again. Had I just chosen to stop noticing or am I suddenly the most interesting thing in the room, everywhere?! Sometimes it gets to me, other times I relish in it. I’m a walking contradiction. I would prefer “charming” but wev.

I feel that deep longing for travel. Well, more specifically, the forgiving nights of Portland. I would fly there on business and soak up the night air like it might heal or save me. I would wander around town to the few local music stores and flip through dingy racks for secret gems. I would talk to store employees and felt camaraderie. I would walk back from Gustav’s drunk on Blackberry Margaritas with a belly full of Farmer’s Schnitzel and smoke the most delicious Marlboro light and bask in the misty glow of the moon!

When I went to coffee school I felt so alone. Determined and all, but alone yet not lost. I felt I belonged there, but I hear most do. I miss being comfortable there on my own. I’m never comfortable on my own. It’s like I’m afraid I will evaporate if I don’t have someone, even strangers, near. But in Portland I didn’t feel that. I would take walks along the water at night after class and let the snowy air bite at my face. In California I wince at even the tiniest chill. Funny that. Life seemed more precious there, like it hung in the balance. Like opportunity or possibility was just around the corner or in the next coffee shop. It pulls at me to return and be cleansed. If only I could get away for a few days and lose myself there.

I feel so tethered, though. Obligations, commitments, attachments, stupid fucking feelings…I can’t imagine making a weekend away on my own, happen. Impossible, actually. Or at least it feels that way. I need to refresh or reboot or whatever the fuck, to just center, ya know?! Shit! *StampsFoot* Normally I would cut loose and go out on the town or something. I don’t know that I have that in me at the moment. I do tend to find it when I need it, but even that isn’t the salve I need. I need deep philosophical conversations! I need art and poetry and love and nature!  But I repeat myself.

“Well, Darling, you’re siiiiick!” “They’ll hurt me baaad, they do it all the time, yeah they do it all the time…”

I am not the girl who gets the guy. I am not the gal who wins the race. I have no amazing talents or skills. I am so basic and simple and raw sometimes that it freaks me out. To be so vulnerable and to go about the world exposed?! It’s like I forget my armor, whatever it may be, and don’t realize it for awhile and suddenly: POW! Someone will touch me or reach out to me or tell me something that is so new or refreshing or honest that I cannot help but stop and try to find my breath again. People can be so beautiful inside that it is nearly painful to be beside them. You see them bare their heart and soul and you want to worship them like deities!

Yet we all somehow manage to find ourselves in a rut, no matter our reality or status. How is it that we can take something so precious and blow it away like so many quarters on Jolly Ranchers (the sticks). Do we simply lose sight of what is right and wrong? Do we forget what it was we dreamed or wanted? Do we simply change so much that it all loses meaning anyway? Seems all I do is ask questions lately. Mostly of myself. And by mostly I mean almost constantly. I can squash my suspicions for only so long before the need for them to burst forth arrives. And then I must decide to live with some sort of faux reality or be stuck cleaning up the mess!

I get ahead of myself and forget where I came from. That I shouldn’t want or deserve such greatness. But that is the struggle. I am constantly torn. Nothing comes easily. Why should I ever expect it to? I’ve always felt unworthy. As long as I can remember! Unworthy and awkward and afraid to believe. That’s me in a nutshell, scarily. I never felt accepted because I was always waiting for the other foot to fall ( it always did). Nothing seems to last. So I work so hard at squeezing every last bit of goodness from every relationship I have. I scare friends away with “thoughtful” gifts far too soon after meeting them. I am so desperate to return favors even when it makes life worse for myself. What do you call that?

Deep down though, I always believed I was meant for something great. I just never could figure out what that was. All I could ever do was talk. I would get into so much trouble for talking and never understood what the problem was. It’s probably why silence is so painful for me. Whoa! That’s actually it, I think! Nice! Another breakthrough! Ha-ha! But what we want or expect of people changes, too. As we get comfortable and more predictable with one another, we can lose what made them so special to us to begin with. This also includes forgetting yourself, duh!

I hand over my power far too easily and far too quickly. I see it now. I don’t yet know how to stop this, but I am working very hard on it every second of the last four days. I’ve already faltered once, but I don’t plan to again. I hope. Sometimes I push myself too hard though and lose my way and get lost in my head. I get into these thought circles and turn shit into something it’s not or forget that it isn’t whatever that was before. Time has become trivial. It all moves so quickly and slowly all at once. Time wasn’t moving for me at all and now I can barely hang on! I try to stay humble, grateful, hopeful and learn what I can while I can.

What was stolen from me long ago was not my fault. It never was. I did what I had to in order to survive and I need to shed the stupid and pointless guilt and shame of that. Sharing my story doesn’t make some of that easier, but it does help to heal the wound itself. I have been here before. In another life. Another time. I always get the boobie prize. I take what’s behind door number three. I get what I’m given and I am not allowed to ask for more/better/substitutions. I give and I give and I am taken from. I am always making do. I muddle. I manage. I learn and regroup. Then somewhere along the way I get like amnesia or something? What? Oh yeah!

The first 8 days of this year made me feel like what I can only imagine it would feel like to live and breathe as an actual Care Bear. I have to find that cheer within myself and learn to stop seeking it elsewhere. It’s a hard habit to break. It began when I was four years old, I was taught to do so. (That is hard to admit, let alone read.) I lost my rhythm and beat. But I’m starting to hear it again and my feet won’t stop moving and you know my hips will never stop shakin’! I remember what it was to dream and to believe in something. I remember the electricity in the air! Despite the end result of that electricity twenty years ago, I still hold the memories dear. To be reminded of them so suddenly is a blessing in disguise.

I used to be the type of gal that would be willing to die for something, to stick my neck out and throw my hat into the ring! Since the first of the year I have been happier than I’d known I could ever be. I felt these parts of the old fiery me returning, parts that had seriously been in a coma! I think I had started to mourn myself while at the cafe. I tried to give my life meaning by creating this big burden of a project. I was lost and without a path. Not that I have a fucking path right now either, but I see that I had lost myself. I spent so much time working and fighting and struggling that I’d forgotten what it was all for. Because if it ain’t for yourself and your own heart, you’re just phoning in!

That is how I feel. I gave up on myself. I forgot what I am capable of. What I can create or lead. I forgot to find the fun inside of myself. So I searched outside, always. And just like always I get heartbroken, disappointed, fucked over, left for worse and used. My knee-jerk reaction is “Trust no one!” and hide myself away. I seem to repeat this pattern. I don’t know why it’s taken me thirty-four fucking years to get a clue, but here it is and I am grateful.

I’ve never had therapy. I’m a true DIYer, I suppose. Out of necessity, usually. I seem to almost want to learn my lessons the hard way, the hardest when I can find it! I like to dwell on shit so hard and for so long that it turns into diamonds (if only)! I fall in love with people fast and regret giving my heart away. A friend forgets something and suddenly I’m in tears and feel betrayed. I burn with rage and pout when my desires are not satisfied, but will hide behind my cold shoulder rather than actually tell them what I want/need. I will struggle for days before asking for help/love/support/etc. Even over small shit. It’s idiotic! My ego gets a light shone upon it from the outside world and suddenly I think I know it all!

I am a flawed beast! I am an animal by nature, I see it now. I can allow my circumstances to command my life or I can choose to take matters into my own hands and learn how to survive. I’ve done the surviving bit, done it to death! I’m exhausted. I’m at a breaking point. I am not yet sure why it is now that I have come to this destination, but it is where I happen to have ended up. I suppose it’s a moment of clarity, but it feels more like insanity at the moment. That I will still take a bullet for people who may or may not even remember by birthday. That I should put so much stock and hopes into such trivialities proves my cowardice. My weaknesses have never changed, only my strengths have. I grow stronger with every scar upon my heart and ever wrong done to me.

It’s like a window shade has pulled up and the storm I thought was outside all along never was and it’s a gloriously perfect day out there! Bam! Sunshine! I can see things and understand things so much better now. That I am not simply a flawed beast, but a magnificent one! One to be appreciated and never ignored. One to be loved and protected. I am the phoenix and I am the queen! I should be busting balls, breaking rules and living for me! Trust I am not sure even exists. It’s more like we just fool each other long enough to forget the pain of the previous betrayal. But whatever, it’s not important anyway. Because I can choose to live or die or fight another day. Our destiny is by our own designs if we wish it to be. If we follow our hearts and refuse to settle for less. If we love and support one another and not be total assholes.

I found myself once again ready to risk it all for a single cause. I surprised myself. I shocked myself. I forgot and lost myself in it and was blind to the rest of the world. It felt amazing! It felt like that moment where you’re not sure where you end and your “comfy bed” begins. We are human and whatever our purpose as a species may be, I am an individual with the intelligence and power to choose my own. My journey is mine, my mistakes, too. And if it is regret that I face, well, I suppose that is my cross to bear, too.

I require passion, poetry, attention, love and probably more junk I had given up on years ago. I gave up on my own spark! My own special blend of herbs and spices, yo! I mean, what the fuck?! I don’t care what size my ass is, I am amazing and I can move mountains! I can do the un-doable and make things work that just didn’t before. Except for the matter of finding it in my own life. And now I’m a wreck and what can I do? I make a new choice. I decide. I’ve come to that proverbial fork in the road. Every song seems to be written just for me. Each one equally worthy of obsessing over and singing on repeat…for days! Oh yeah, my obsessive nature is back! Yay!

I actually looked up the word Manic on dictionary.com today. Yep, c’est moi! oh le jour heureux! My feet have hit the ground and have yet decided to run or stroll or amble or, “Hey, what’s that?!” I have been shown kindnesses and trust and passion and meaning this past week and I didn’t know how to accept it. I tried to find fault in it. I tried to taint it. And I am such a fool for trying. I now know what I cam capable of. I now know how much love I have to give, so much that it hurts. And in return I get so much love and support and compassion from those I love and trust the most. I have been moved beyond words and shed more tears this week than I have in the last year! Funny how a panic attack can lead to some clarity! Ha-ha!

Thank you for touching my life and my heart. You have shown me a reflection of myself that I had forgotten existed. That I could be the fusion of fantasy and reality, that I could feel whole and worthy and believe I deserve it. Thank you for this gift. I will do my best to accept it, for the rest of my life. <3

I know the secret to being hot shit! Anyone can do it, it’s easy if you try, just get on our on the dance floor and let that shit fly! Okay, sorry…but it’s true! I think the big secret to being sexy, to feeling sexy, to being seen as sexy? You just gotta believe it! Be it! And if you’re not there yet? Fake it until you are! I’m serious!

I don’t care if you don’t know how to dance a certain way or if you’re not usually the type to dance, we all have this inner dance, like a happy dance or a hearty frolic! A jig! Whatever it is you do or shake or shuffle when you feel awesome! THAT! That is what makes you sexy! Well, no…you’re already sexy! YOU ARE ALREADY SEXY AS HELL!  You may not be able to see it through the bullshit society piles on us all, but it’s there and you are! When you believe it, when you walk with a strut or hold your head high or smile easily, that is sexy as hell!

When you are doing things for you, and only you? When you are in the zone and being the truest form of you? Nothing can stop it, you’re hot! Now own it! Flaunt it! Rock it! Wear it on your sleeve or tucked into your back pocket, but work that shit out! Dance it or shake it or find a way to exude that energy inside of you! Find a pleasureful movement and do it often! Crank up the tunes and pump up the jams! Find your theme song! Choose your mantra! Scream and shout it!

Because you fucking deserve to feel fantastic everyday! You are worth so much and wasting time on hating yourself or others is only holding you back! Step outside of your comfort zone, do something completely new! Find the funny story in an awkward situation and celebrate it! Do something silly or awesome? Shout, “Revoloosh!” and hold up a fist! And laugh your ass off! Laughing is required! Silly is necessary! Smiling is life! Belly bump! Hip bump! Whatever!

We’re all so serious these days, but having fun is fucking free! Feeling good is free and it tastes like freedom! And nothing tastes as good as rocking out to your own beat, babies! I love you all! <3

What if, Sarah, from now on and forevermore, people stopped using the word “evil” and replaced it with “ignorance”?

Yeah, less fear, more better; global transformation.

Let’s,
The Universe
(I get these every weekday from www.tut.com, it rocks and it’s free…you should try it!)

I loved this message! When you get right down to it, what many of us see as “evil” is actually ignorance. Sure it could be ignorance due to privilege or a number of things, really. When you think of all of the “Health Experts” and marketing bullshit, is it any wonder? Ignorance prevails in this society and perpetuated and even preyed upon, if not outright created for profit! It takes a smart and brave soul to actually question all that’s been told/taught/presented to them from childhood. I know it took me awhile before I began to question authority figures (though not always aloud, ha-ha!) and even longer to distrust mainstream media in general.

It’s funny (not in a ha-ha sort of way, either) that today many things deemed “evil” are simply branches of old prejudices or superstitions. I mean, that and good old fashioned misogyny! Ah yes, of all of the ways to control women, those marketing geniuses came up with dieting and hair removal for the “fairer sex.” *ShakesHead* Ugh! By pushing back and fighting for equality we were then deemed too masculine or called extremists! Psshhht! Funny how those words still get tossed around, though not always at the same groups as back then.

I’m saying that though the haters will continue to hate, perhaps how we approach and deal with it could be different. By realizing that it’s not blind hate, but misinformation all together, that is the real “evil!” This is why I don’t care how many times some motherfucker wants to call me a know-it-all, I will educate people and set them straight if the situation calls for it. Not rudely, but the truth needs to get out! I cannot stand idly by while someone starts on their “informing” of the masses about some lie-filled bullshit! And we wonder where “concern trolls” are born?!

People feel righteous, we all do, in their beliefs. But if we never speak up, if we never compare notes, we all just go around ramming into each other…and not in the fun way! We help no one by remaining silently angry or hurt. When we share ourselves, our stories, our voices and experiences, we heal and we help others to heal and we educate! Just think back to when you first considered or heard of fat acceptance/pride/liberation! What did these new/radical concepts made you think or feel? Did you resist or question it at first? Are you still learning to accept yourself?

I do believe that life is a journey. The destination is all the same for us, but it’s the stops on that journey that make up our lives. It’s the people and the connections and the joy and the simplest of pleasures. It’s following what’s in your heart and not stamping upon others. It’s doing right by others by doing right by yourself! It’s not settling and it’s honoring your most authentic self! It’s not taking shit or letting anyone hold you back or down! It’s finding your passion and following your dreams! It’s not about wealth or objects or status, ever! It’s love and that is all!