Here’s the thing, some people will never get it! Yes, I’m talking about fat acceptance and size diversity, but I’m also talking about me (or you) as a person. No matter how many times you explain and spell things out, some people will just never see the other side. I see this in my own relationships, painfully, more so now than ever. I see that as I find that I know myself and my needs and wants in my life that there are people who will only ever choose to see or accept their own specific version of me. It doesn’t matter how much I shine or grow or change, to them I fit nicely and neatly into some little box they’ve labeled “Sarah” and they’re not terribly interested in allowing upgrades or revisions. So be it.

I have been amazed at how simple and powerful the phrase, “that is unacceptable” can be. When I told someone last year that how they were treating me was unacceptable and that I wouldn’t tolerate it in my life, they didn’t apologize or ask questions or even attempt to make things better or right. Instead they kept insisting the blame was mine and I needed to somehow get over myself…or something. I refuse to lower myself or my standards when it comes to friendships for people who refuse to treat me with respect, honesty and realness. And realness only gets you so far when you are lying to your damned self! 😉

I am unapologetically me! I am lumpy, I have rolls, I am sexy, I am sassy, I am smart and sometimes quite hilarious! I want and choose to enjoy my life. As best as I can, anyhow. I have been dealt some heavy blows lately, but I keep getting back up. Sometimes I don’t even know why, but I do it. I do it because I remember the abuse and not wanting to live anymore. I do it for those who are there in the thick of it now. I love you! You’re worth so much more and you’ll get it, too, if you can find your own light inside…it’s there!  *HUGS* I do it because all I have ever fucking known is to fight and to struggle. It’s exhausting but I wouldn’t know easy if it slapped me in the face.

Living my life out in the open has been liberating and surprising and scary as hell. I don’t fear the same things I used to. Perhaps that’s maturity, but what I crave and ache for has changed, too. I appreciate such simple pleasures at times it makes me laugh, out loud, alone in my room. Ha-ha! My wants are so few and my demands fewer. I want love. I want freedom. I want a choice. I want to survive. I want the truth, always. I want to express myself in any way I see fit. I want color and nature.

Right now I want to pour myself into a bottle of wine and sleep…for life! Monday (when I wrote this) hit me like a ton of bricks and I don’t know that there are tears left in me to give. It’s not that I didn’t know the bad stuff was coming, I did, I was just already feeling so scared and vulnerable. To have the harshness of that extra bit of reality spotlighted was just too much on such a dreary day. When I turned to a friend who has been there for me before and was met with utter assholery, well? That was the kicker. I can’t take getting shit on anymore, ya know?

When I was driving back to work from lunch I drove past a part of town that I hadn’t given much thought to before and it triggered a very bad and very repressed memory in me that nearly had me incapacitated. THAT BAD! I haven’t had a PTSD symptom in over a year, some more than that. This memory was one of the worst of the worst and I thought I couldn’t breathe. The one thing that got me through it though was thinking of that “Special Geek” I’ve mentioned here before. He’s such a shining beacon in the night for me. He’s so kind and wonderful to me and I am so glad my brain chose to focus on him rather than the horrors of the past in that moment. I am so grateful and so blessed and so fortunate, I know this. I have incredible friends both IRL and online and I wouldn’t be able to get up everyday without ’em. And it is why I love with my whole self and end up hurt, too. So be it.

I can only be and honor me and my truth and my experience. I can try to show you, I can try to explain, but until they get rid of all those boxes labeled “Sarah” you/they will never see the real me and I will never, truly, be understood and I think that’s okay.

The clothing swap part of Fatty Affair seemed to be the most popular portion for sure. And while I only snagged a couple of tops towards the end of the main part of the swap, I’ve already worn one and Love it! What was truly fun for me was getting to see what people picked up, tried on and strutted around in! Many were quite pleased to just change on the spot and wear their new garb the rest of the day. That is so cool!

We also had a catwalk/fatshion show where people were asked to get their strut on if they were feeling good in what they were wearing, even if it wasn’t from the swap (the song of choice of course being “Super Model” by RuPaul). At first we had sign up sheets, but only one person signed up. So I said fuck it and started just recruiting people! Ha-ha! This did seem to work as soon there was a line on either side of the stage area. I didn’t realize that Jery would be the first or that he would even be participating, other than being the emcee, but gurl! He knew how to kick it off:

When I first started to go to fat events it was mostly just meet ups and the occasional clothing swap or shopping. It took me a few years before I attended more organized events. The first fat event that blew me away so completely that I couldn’t stop smiling for days after was “Go Big or Go Home” by Big Moves Bay Area. The show itself was so put together, but it was the feeling of witnessing something so special and honest and amazing that stuck with me! That first major event featured the Phat Fly Girls, Rubenesque Burlesque and Raks Africa! Talk about a triple threat?! Ha-ha! And my first encounter of Marilyn Wann in the flesh! I also had the pleasure of meeting Carol Squires that evening through sheer happenstance; my friends and I asked her to take our photo during intermission. Little did we know that she used to be a portrait photographer (and a member of the Fat Lip Readers)!

Life changing stuff, folks! Inspiring and empowering and moving and just fan-fucking-tastic! I mean, that was also the first time I’d gone strapless in public! Wow! That was nearly two years ago! Now I own like four or five strapless dresses! Ha-ha! I later attended “Queer.Fat.Political” in San Francisco and discovered the Fat Lip Readers and witnessed so radical a group of women that I was humbled and inspired. Standing in that room (I was video taping) and just soaking in all that was around me? It was like a bolt of feminist-fat lightening went through me. I walked away changed, for the better, forever. Never before had I felt such a sense of responsibility to carry the torch, as it were, that these women lit so many years ago and truly set the bar high. Their activism was to me the truest sense of the word. They put their necks out to improve the lives of fat people everywhere. I was honored to be in their presence.

A few months later Big Moves Bay Area hosted “Fatdance: What A Feeling” again featuring the Phat Fly Girls, Rubenesque Burlesque and Raks Africa…and this time hosted by Marilyn Wann and Amy Benson. It was fantabulous! You just can’t be around these amazing women and not get inspired! At the very least you’ll walk away laughing and smiling. There is something so powerful about witnessing someone doing whatever it is that they are passionate about. I don’t have a word for it. It always makes me want to dance again. I do dance, but I just can’t very often. At least not until my knee is sorted out. I had the please that same weekend of attending Marilyn’s b-day party and WDAL fundraiser. Talk about awesome fatty party times?! So fun!!!

I took these experiences as sort of a template or outline for how I wanted Fatty Affair to be. I didn’t want to copy anyone or anything, but these events had such an impact on me and I knew that good feeling just needed to be spread around! That was the point of all of it for me, to have a good time and to connect people and create a stronger community. The first person I asked to speak was Marilyn, of course! If you’ve never had the joy of having a fat-related conversation with her, well, it’s great! It’s this fantastic free flowing exchange of ideas. It’s what all creative types need. It’s what all activists need. It was absolutely what I needed on both of those fronts! She had tons of ideas and plenty of experience in participating and attending such fat events all over the world. I was delighted when she agreed to speak and pleased that she was excited about it, too.

Not being a professional anything at all, I stumbled a bit when I first tried to get people to perform at Fatty Affair. I wasn’t clear in communication and while still running the cafe, sucked at follow up! Once further details and apologies were worked out, the rest of the lineup came together nicely. The last person I asked was my BFF Jery. I don’t know why…I always feel like he “has better shit to do” (gee, wonder why that is? Ha-ha!) or whatever, but I did and he accepted. It wasn’t until two nights before the event that we actually got together and nailed down a timeline for it. I know, we live in the same building and can’t seem to sync our schedules! Ha-ha! But it worked out just fine.

And here is where I use every ounce of restraint I have in me to not gush over Linda Bacon PhD not only accepting my invitation to participate/speak at Fatty Affair, but that she did so after receiving paid offers on the same day! She says it was for purely selfish reasons, that she needed to be around our positive community, to be re-energized. Can’t say that I blame her. It was yet another life changing experience for me and for many others. Everyone who helped, participated, performed or spoke was so fantastic! I seriously could not have imagined it going better than it actually did!

It was a success because of so many passionate individuals who worked together and helped pull this whole thing off! A special thank you and shout out to Raven Eagan and Amanda Evans! Raven was my boy scout and pressure valve while Amanda was the genius who took over the bake sale for me and really made it shine!

  

Amanda & Marilyn (Belly Bump!)

Raven & Jeanette: Babin’!

Tomorrow I’ll be talking about: The FATshion!!! <3

“What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me? Lend me your ear and I’ll sing you a song, I will try not to sing out of key…Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends! Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends! Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends!”

Sorry, but I’ve fallen back in love with music and it seems there is a perfect song to suit my every mood and whim and inspiration! And can I just say? Truer words have never been fucking sang, screamed, wailed or spoken! I have said it time and again…my friends are everything to me! They lift me up and take me to a higher plane, yo! They also rock at bringing back down to reality like nobody’s business! Ha-ha! Thank the stars for that and them! Whew!

There have been so many changes, surprises, letdowns and well, life stuffs these past few months that have thrown me for a loop again and again. No one has been there more for me emotionally and as honestly as my newest of BFFs and “sister from another mister” Jeanette! It seemed at times that she was reading my mind or something. She gives the best advice and is more awesome than the English language can handle! She is someone I know would never judge me, I don’t even have to think about it. She has helped me be my most authentic self and I have enjoyed countless quality conversations to boot! When I first told her about Fatty Affair she was excited and supportive. Little did I know that it would be her workplace/school that wold sponsor it! Not only that, she thought of things I would need before I did and helped me take care of business! Together we are the

The emcee of Fatty Affair was none other than Jery! When I introduced him to the crowd I called him the “Lisa Lisa to my Cult Jam…” but the truth is, Jery tests me! He challenges me! I fucking need that! I need someone to tell me I’m being a crazy bitch sometimes. He does that. He goes to the goth club with me in homemade red and black knickerbockers!!! He is one of those rare creatures with endless talent (but sadly not endless confidence) so endangered in this world. We may have very different taste in the fellas and occasionally music (and I don’t think I’ll ever be a Broadway Baby), but we sync up more than not. When I asked him to be the emcee I knew I needn’t worry. This is the man who officiated my wedding! This is the artist that made me fall in love with Jesus Christ Superstar (as Judas, no less). I never saw actors as anything but spotlight hogs until I saw how committed, hard working and passionate Jery is for his craft. To see him host this big scary event (scary as in pressure) and impress the shit out of everyone there? Well, it touched and moved me and I was endlessly impressed. I mean, he even color coordinated for me!

And then there are my biotches! Seriously?! These gals and I have known each other over twenty fucking years!!! I was just telling my husband about the first time I spent the night at Steph‘s (middle) or painted her room hot pink! And as I write this, Alena (left) posted on face book about our mid-nineties band, “Broke!” (We had no instruments.) The shit the three of us have been through and gotten into…well, its value is beyond words. We have been hippies together and grunge-gals and drop outs and old married ladies and dirty thirty-year-olds and have been through plenty of bad hair dos and everything in between. So much has changed for the three of us in such a short amount of time it could easily leave one breathless. Yet somehow we manage to stay connected and retain this amazing friendship. At one point I would have said that hell would have to freeze over before the three of us would even be in the same room together. But the universe just won’t let us stay apart. I know that when the shit hits the fan these two babes will never leave me hangin’! They’ve got my back and I’ve always got theirs. I mean…look at us? Charlie’s Angels eat your heart out!!! The fact that they came to support me for this event meant more to me than they know. I will never forget it!

The truth is I have many friends who helped me with this event. They all mean so much to me. They have all touched my life in various ways. I could not have done it without any of them. I am still quite in shock from it all, I must say. Having it be over and done with is such a downer, man. I just wasn’t expecting to feel a sense of loss about it. I was so high from it and I guess once I got a taste of that overwhelming positivity I just can’t help but want More More More! I can only hope to keep giving back all of the love and support I have received from the fat community over the years. The haters just evaporate when I think of this incredible journey I’ve been on and with the fat community. I am a far better person and a better friend because of it. Thank you for that! <3