I’ve seen a few people around the fat web lately asking for more single/dating voices out here in the blog-o-sphere. While I do not date, I am in fact married, I do so sympathize! You see, yesterday I had a strange thing happen. I popped online to check my email (on a Sunday even, Ack!) and someone wanted to chat on yahoo IM. I recognized this person as someone I follow on Tumblr. I’ll admit up front here that I used to have a tiny web crush on him. He’s sort of adorable. Only he totally fucking ruined that yesterday.

When I was dating, I had a terrible time meeting guys. At the time I didn’t think it was purely due to my size, but I had a lot going on after just coming out of that awful relationship. I met a lot of guys online, on AOL chat rooms to be specific, and went on way too many blind dates because of this. I remember one blind date, I went to the guy’s place (I know, so what not to do 101) and when he opened the door he said, “Well, you’re more “full figured” than I had though.” and I said, “Yeah, um, you’re much smaller than I thought.” Which I know sounds awful, but we ended up being fab friends until we both found permanent partners. Truth is we were swell on the phone. Yet in person there simply was no chemistry or physical attraction.

Yes, I described myself as “Full Figured” online back then because no one ever told me it was okay to be or call myself fat. Would have made things easier, no doubt. And it seemed the more dates I went on the more horror stories I gathered. Yeah, didn’t meet a single decent one…well, I did, but then my best friend TOTALLY stole him (glaring at you Steph! Ha-ha!). I see now that it wasn’t such a loss, but I was devastated! I even tried to hook up with his best friend just so we could have double date scenarios available. I went through this phase after that where I thought I wanted bear-types. Like, just big burly guys who would, I thought, protect me. I found out in fact that most needed more protection and emotional support from me. Go figure.

And being a fat girl in the dating world can lead to many assuming stereotypes are true. I had guys ask me if it’s true that fat girls are faster to sleep with someone or if redheads are truly demons in the sack (we are! he-he), all kinds of stupid-ass stuff. It wasn’t so much that I was looking for a good time or a quick lay (I really should have been), but I was still in love with the idea of love. I was so enamored with finding a perfect somebody that I forgot to find out who I was first. The moment I began to work on myself? I met my husband. We were friend first, which I’d never dated a friend before him, but it worked out nicely I think. Ha-ha!

So this guy yesterday? From tumblr? Yeah, he wanted to “chat” alright. He said he had a “fetish for chatting on web-cam” and could I go to his personal site (which was called something like sexy stranger cam or something equally horrific in my opinion) so no one would record or interrupt us. I was all like sorry dude, I don’t have a web cam that works at the moment (I bought one for $3 on amazon, but it’s a pain to use and is always leaning to one side). But he kept insisting and then said, “Lame! No wonder you’re single!” and I responded with, “I’m married.” and he then said, “Oh I don’t mind baby, let’s go over to my web cam site. I swear it’s safe. You just have to verify that you’re over 18.” To which I responded with *Barfs* which somehow didn’t give a clear enough signal to this douche. He kept at it, trying to get me to go to this site for another five minutes before I finally just closed the chat. He is no longer adorable.

If this is the shit you have to put up with in the online dating scene? Count me out forever! I meet way more people in real life that are truly into me then I have online. I mean, it is awesome that we can get to know people and begin to build relationships on the internet and all. But the two-faced pervo shit? Yeah, that needs to go! I demand respect when I meet people, no matter what type of relationship I’m looking for. Respect, honesty, intelligence and best of a decent conversation. Not too much to ask, right? Ha-ha! It seems that it is. This clown shoe didn’t have the decency to even ask my name. I know he has an actual girlfriend and had he wanted to just chat I would have  been fine with it. But his perv-cam-bullshit? No, thank you.

And so a tip of my hat to all of you single folks out there trying to get to know anyone in this crazy world right now. It’s bananas. I don’t know how you do it. And if you’re seeking advice on how to find love? Sounds cliche, but stop looking! Just do what feels good, you enjoy or makes you happy and there will inevitably be someone around doing those same things, too. I find that people are more genuine and put on less airs when they are just doing a hobby or pursuing an interest over the typical bar/nightclub thing. Although, that works and is totes fun sometimes, too!

I’d love your thoughts and input. Wanna vent about dating? Hit up my comments! Let us all share in this! Thanks! =0)

You may not know it from just reading this blog o’ mine, but it seems that I have in fact been in hiding, y’all. I hadn’t actually realized it myself until Monday night at karaoke with my two BFFs. Jery bought the first round of drinks and as we were about to toast (Wyder’s pear cider, yo!) he leans over and says to me, “I’m so glad you finally decided to come out.” gobsmacked, I replied, “Have I been in hiding or something?” to which he said, “Well, yeah, it felt like it.”

Wow! Truer words have never been spoken. I do feel as though I’ve come out of some sort of hiding/cloistering period. I guess I just hadn’t thought of it that way. The thing is, I used to go out at least once a week. Usually to karaoke with the boys, but then it stopped being fun, I ran out of moolah and got super tired and depressed. It happens. I got so caught up in my own stress and anxieties that I’d forgotten to have fun. What a huge missing piece of my giant self-care puzzle, right?! Whew! So happy I’ve found it!

And it wasn’t actually that sudden of a thing, either. I think the fat clothing swap in San Francisco a couple of months ago (was it that long?) really kicked things off and reignited my fatty activist passion. Then of course meeting so many fabulous local fats helped and soon I found my social calendar filling up! Who knew? I do remember a point where I was scrambling to fulfill plans made and even canceling some for both personal (anxiety/panic) and logistic reasons.

The fat flesh mob with Marilyn Wann in S.F. for International No Diet Day was another big push in the right direction. It certainly reminded me in an indelible way just how important and needed the fat acceptance movement is and why I am committed to being a part of it and furthering its goals (equality, anyone?). The burlesque class* that made me realize that I could feel sexy again! And somehow it all culminated in this past weekend with the BBW dance night in Oakland and then karaoke on Monday? Well, what a wild ride and a blast! And I’m still standing! Fun didn’t kill me! Ha-ha!

I guess I do tend to cloister myself reflexively. I stay where I can control my environment and interactivity. I stick with what’s comfortable and easy and low maintenance and stress. It’s why sometimes I just can’t want to try a new restaurant while other times I’m jumping at the chance. My husband both help and hurts this type of self-preservation things depending on what end of the spectrum we each are on at that time. I used to think being a homebody was some terrible waste of time or whatever. Now I totally get it! I do!

I would like to thank my friends, new and old, for sticking by me and being so patient and kind to me. P&J for being my all-time cheerleaders and the tough love givers when they somehow know the time is right. Steph for making me feel like we were in high school talking on the phone about all things boys for hours! Virgie Tovar for being so fucking sweet and awesome and helping me feel sexy again! Carmen for accompanying me to the burlesque class and getting out of your comfort zone…you sexy bitch! Marilyn Wann for making me see you in a whole new light (human? Yep, totally!) and putting one of my dreams into reality (fatty flash mob!). Jeanette & Jessica for inviting me out, making me feel welcome and for making me feel like a girl, too! Twistie for always somehow knowing the right thing to say to me, keeping me sane. Psycho Sue and Rachel for being such amazing and supportive bad asses even though y’all live so very far away from me. WithoutScene for actually wanting to put up with my random-ass chat sessions (ha-ha!) and inspiring me and making me see my own potential. Amanda for making me so hopeful for the hardworking college folks out there! What you are doing is amazing, I don’t know why you don’t have a  fan club yet! Kath for inspiring me and being a super fatty blog mentor to me (without you realizing even). Of course, my husband, Bryan for being my rock and my best friend and putting up with my chaos (even though he’s never seen this blog–he’s aware of it). And my regular  here and my regular customers at the cafe for lifting my spirits by just saying hi! Thank you for that!

If you’ve never left a comment, please do. I forget anyone reads this sometimes and it really does help me keep going.  

Not sure how this ended up all sappy…meh, whatever. Go with it! Ha-ha! Thanks y’all! You rock my socks!
<3
S

(To the tune of Lady Gaga’s “Boys Boys Boys”)

This TMI Tuesday post is all about Sex Toys! If this doesn’t interest you, you’d rather not know about my sex life or toy preference, or you’re at work and don’t wanna get in trouble, do come back tomorrow for your regularly scheduled random fatty talk right here on my blog-a-ma-thing. Thanks!

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On my recent visit to Good Vibrations for that fabulously fun Burlesque class a couple of weeks ago (oh how time flies!) I picked up a toy I’d been looking at online.  I loved the color and the feel of the outside of it and the length seemed fab, too! But then, like so many toys, it left me unimpressed and generally dissatisfied. I know, for $22 what do I expect?! Well, I expected something! Perhaps I had high expectations, but that $22 is hard won for me (more than a week’s worth of work/tips) and so I always have high hopes when spending my dough.

See? It’s perty!

The last toy I purchase was the Butterfly Kiss and while I have enjoyed it a couple of times, it’s length is problematic (the butterfly doesn’t actually do anything for my clit as it either doesn’t reach or is so weak as to be meaningless). I do appreciate the design of it though. And again, the price was great at $18.

Mine’s the pink one.

So compact yet powerful!

Oh babes! (You’re all hawt-ass babes in my eyes, just so ya know!) I went out dancin’ on Friday night with my friends Jessica, Jeanette and Nicole (and Amy & her gals *waves* Hi ladies!!!)…whew! I’m still recovering! Ha-ha! There was a time, a long-long time ago chi’ren, when this fattycake used to go out dancin’ every Friday and Saturday with my girl Summer (I miss you girl, where you at?) and we would dance all night for nobody but us! This last Friday? Totally reminded me of back then. *sigh* It’s been soooooooo long! And I had SO much fun!

Full Figured Entertainment hosts a BBW night on the 3rd Friday of the month at Club Anton in Oakland, CA (you save $2.50 by pre-paying on their site just in case you plan on coming to the next one). I wasn’t sure what to expect, to be honest, but as co-designated drunk, I was ready to make it a good time one way or the other. Luckily I didn’t need to do that at all. Oh no, the fun was there just waitin’ for us! When we arrived the place was near empty, but soon that all changed!

As DJ Pam “The Funktress” was spinnin’ everything from today’s hottest hip hop hits to some fantastic old school numbers for me (“Humpty Dance” is my jam!), she even went all out, even scratchin’ with, well, her boob! It was fabulous, you don’t even know!!! It took me a bit (and a couple of cape cods) to get my courage up for some fatty booty shakin’ but I will tell you what, once I started I didn’t wanna stop! Ha-ha!

The gals and I had a blast! It was so much fun! I barely felt time pass as we were out there dancing and dancing and popping out into the cold Oakland evening air to refresh from time to time. I love that feeling! When you’re all hot and sweaty from dancing and you step outside into the coolest breeze and the air is nearly electric? Well, it felt so good. I felt so alive! For once I didn’t feel like an old fussy lady sitting at home, ya know?

At one point they stopped the music to pull the raffle winner (they raffle a big bottle of booze each night) and then proceeded to introduce and instruct us on “The Cupid Shuffle” which I’d never heard of nor done. It took me a full rotation, but I got the hang of it enough to throw my own flavor into the moves. FUN! I was feeling so good, I mean, I was full-on blissed-out, y’all! OMZ!

Photography by C’Davisionaire Photography

You can see Nicole and I there doin’ the Cupid Shuffle, I think I was watching my feet or the people in front of me, still trying to get my counts down. Ha-ha! I could have done that shuffle the rest of the night! So fun! And the music was fantastic! I had a hard time coming out of my shell at first because I didn’t know most of the music (this is a rare thing), but thanks to Nicole’s “peer pressure” (so not the bad kind, no worries) I soon found myself and the rest of the bunch dancing the night away!

I got home about 3:30 AM and ate a couple of tacos I’d grabbed  on my way back. And then I just crashed a crash like I’d never crashed before. Whew! The next morning? Well, I was a wreck and a mess and a cryin’ shame! But it was so very worth it! I need to do this stuff more often, I’ve decided (and it’s been insisted by my friend across the street). Ha! And yet another fantastic fat event I’ve attended has changed my life for the positive. I cannot emphasize this enough, get out to these events! Support your local fat groups or start your own! It’s so worth it!

Yes, even you!

Last night my good friend Carmen and I headed up to San Francisco to attend a free burlesque workshop at Good Vibrations. I was fortunate enough to have met and been invited to the workshop by the instructor and incredibly fabulous lady, Virgie Tovar. She is such a sweetheart and bad ass, simultaneously! You just don’t even know! Ha-ha! But I was excited about learning some new moves and in such a welcoming and comfortable and accepting environment (a rare thing indeed).

If you’ve never been to a Good Vibrations location, you’re in for such a treat! Imagine a sex toy shop, but set up like a fancy boutique! And the employees were all so calm and nice and just welcoming. Everything you could hope for in a sex toy shop! What I loved most about Good Vibrations is that they had demo/display models of every toy they carried! You could actually pick them up, touch and feel, turn them on (hello! So you know how powerful a vibe is–whoa!) and see what they can do! This was fabulous for me because I just never know what I want or like or whatever. Carmen was instantly attracted to the high-end stuff (go figure) because of the colors and design of their toys. Gorgeous, no lie, but $150? No dice!

We filed into the back room while Virgie set up for the class. It seemed more and more people kept coming in an almost endless stream. Finally everyone arrived and was seated and Virgie started the class. And she was just so friendly and cool and like that awesome older sister that girl had in high school? The one in college when y’all were sophomores? Yeah, the reeeeeeeeeeally cool one! That’s Virgie! She started by having up loosen up and just getting ready to move our stuff and shake our money makers (my words, not hers). Then she put on the music and showed us, very patiently, some burlesque moves.

She began with the classic and essential (in my opinion) shimmy! Anyone with a rack of doom can certainly pull this one off without a hitch. It’s a pretty simple move of just really shaking your shoulders so that your chest gets a good jiggling! Then we were instructed on “the bump” which is taking your hips and bumping them out on each side. As though you’re knocking something out of your way with your hips, one at a time. Then we were instructed on some arm movements, pelvic thrusts, feeling ourselves up and a special finishing move that is just too good to share here! So much fun!

What I found interesting was the great diversity in not only sizes of bodies in the class, but also ages and ethnicities and more! Plus, there were like three or four guys in the class, too! In fact, when it came time for us to perform our choreographed moves and a quick freestyle bit in groups of five and six in front of the class, the guys participated, too! It was so cool! We even got to use props! I chose a bright red feather boa and pretended to look like I knew what the hell I was doing! Ha-ha! The music was fun and perfect, too! everything from Prince’s “Erotic City” to Madonna’s “Vogue” and even 50 Cent and Kelis! All totally fitting and appropriate, I thought.

After the class I stayed to chat with Virgie and some other lovely ladies I had met at previous local fat events, Hi Allison & Alex! *Waves*
Virgie was kind enough to allow a couple of photos of us to be taken and so we had a bit of fun with it:

(Trying to re-enact the painting behind us.)

Next we headed back out into Good Vibrations for a bit of shopping! I had seen one specific toy that I almost bought online, but since it was the same price (and no shipping) and we got a 10% off coupon by attending the class I couldn’t say no! I thought it was extra awesome that they ask if you’d like to donate a dollar to planned parenthood, to which I most certainly said yes! How could I not? With the discount, tax and $1 for PP, it still ended up cheaper than the regular price! Chah!

By evening’s end, I had had a great time with a great friend and got to hang out with fellow fat fabulous ladies while learning some new dance moves! Who could ask for more?

Thanks, Virgie, for all that you do, gurl! You rock!
<3
S