I was so inspired a year or more ago when the blog living400lbs.wordpress.com would post a list of things she was grateful for each week. I began to do it myself on my personal journal (livejournal, Oh  I have so abandoned you) and enjoyed the process. It was for myself, after all, and so I kept at it like something to check off my to-do list. I started out very mindful, but ended up blowing it off. Bummer. So I wanted to talk about practicing gratitude not just in list form (though I’ll do one), but how we can incorporate this in our daily lives, too.

One thing my husband and I do, and have since day one, is to say “Thank You” to each other for little things and big things. When he holds the door for me I thank him. When I do the dishes, he thanks me. When we have sex, I always thank him! Ha-ha! It’s that simple. And it sounds like a no-impact thing, but I can assure you, when you’re out in the world practicing this, it makes an impact! We’re all so jaded going about our daily lives that when we do interact with strangers we forget to step outside of ourselves and to simply be polite and kind. When you say Thank You and smile at a stranger? You might just make their entire day! Because You know, sometimes, you don’t get that kind of nicety from anyone for weeks on end, ya know?

I also have a notebook at the cafe for daily gratitude. People can write in it at their leisure. Some sign their entry and date it, others simply leave their sentiments anonymously. I love this because of the sheer variety! Some get deeply religious in their gratitude entries. Some wax poetically about the fabulous weather or the many privileges they live with. And then there are the ones from kids which can be everything from “I love my mommy & daddy” to them being ever so grateful for their cat and their friend Jessica to some more creative stuff. There are lists and poems and all sorts of unique creativity.

And seriously? Just a note from all of us hard working service industry professionals: Say thank you and tip your barista/server/etc! We work so fucking hard and get little if any thanks. Retail folks, too! So much work! I cannot even tell ya! Just a smile and a thank you can go a very long way! If you leave a giant mess at your table? Please leave at least a 15% tip. I have found that it’s the rudest, most demanding and above all messiest of customers that leave ZERO tip! Thanks, I now have to spend the next fifteen minutes scraping up unidentifiable substances from the table and surrounding areas rather than serving other customers. Ahem. Sorry, rant.

Gratitude doesn’t have to be for things or people. I am most grateful for my health! Seriously! If I had a health problem, not only would I be sick, I’d also be homeless right now. While I acknowledge my privilege and health and all of that, I think it is important to keep these positive things in mind no matter what is going on in your life. I’m a firm believer in putting your highest hopes and wishes out into the universe. No matter what you believe, I think it helps keep some sanity, if nothing else.

Here is what I am grateful for right now:
My health. The air I breathe. My body and it’s various parts.
My husband. My friends. My companion animals.
My apartment. Food in the fridge. Access to more.
Being able to own/operate a cafe even though I gain no personal income.
The people I meet everyday at the cafe.
A reliable car. The security that a cell phone brings me.
The fat community all over the world and the amazing people I get to interact with.

What are you grateful for? How do you practice gratitude?

I often get asked what blogs I enjoy reading. My usual response is “Oh you know, all the fatty blogs.” but there is more to it than that. So I thought I would share some of my “must reads” here with you today (that aren’t on the fat-o-sphere feed). And please feel free to post your favorite (or even your own) blogs in comments! I love finding news ones! =0)

Dances With Fat has a great post about body size not being a diagnosis in and of itself! Taking aim at modern medicine and pointing directly to the problem! Love it!

Fat Girl Posing shares some fat modeling photos and discusses the politics of having a fat body (some pics are NSFW).

Finessing The Fuck You has a great one on brushing off your inner hater! Check it out!

My gal Psycho Sue does a fab acoustic cover of Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” for all the freaks of the world!

If you’re a fan of all things created with cake, check out Cake Wrecks for a daily dose of hilarity and awesome sauce! My husband and I love to watch the Food Network Challenges…but seeing the “wrecks” is sometimes more fun! <3

For those who are Gluten-Free I offer up the often mentioned BFF Steph’s blog Wasabimon! So many recipes, so much goodness…all without Gluten! WOO!

Fatkini Riot is keepin’ it real and puttin’ it all out there! Yeah, FATkini! You read it right. It’s fabulous!!!

Fat Acceptance/Pride/Positive Groups on Facebook! Do you run a group? Are a member of one? I’d love to hear all about it! I have one for my monthly meet up group and am a member of a couple (but they are closed I believe). Do share if you are able. I think it’s a great way to converse online with other  fats without the formalities of a blog.

No really, that was the name of the show I attended last night! Okay well it was actually called: The Kentucky Fried Woman Show Unicorns & Rainbows: A Queer Cabaret Celebrating All Things Gay It was fabulous, if not too short in my opinion. I had never been to the venue before, but I liked it a lot. The decor was a bit posh for what I’m used to, but in general not too stuffy or stuck up or anything either. Nice! The show featured music, dance, burlesque and fun fun fun! To say I enjoyed myself would be an understatement. I had my two BFFs with me, many laughs were had.

Actually, the only bummer of the evening for us was after the show was over we were invited and promised that there would be a Dj for dancing. I don’t know who the Dj was, but at first he was playing some pretty cool 80’s songs and J & I had fun goofing around dancing to those, but suddenly it was slow or just strange songs in general. Before the show started they were playing The Gossip, Beth Ditto and even Lady Gaga over the sound system. We were all into it, so the after show music left us wanting. It really bummed us out. We were ready to dance the night away, especially since the show ended at 9ish. I don’t wanna pick on anyone and I don’t know the situation, but I’ve always felt that the role of a Dj is to read the room and enhance or lift the mood. Ya know? Am I off base here?

And so we left, with some hesitation, singing our way back to the car. As per my usual, I got us a bit lost before finally finding our way back onto the freeway. I don’t know what it is about Oakland, but this happens every single time! Ha-ha! J & I kept the dancing going most of the way home. But by the time we got to our apartment building I think we were all pretty tired. I was still very much awake, but physically tired since I’d been up since 6 am and already went fishing with my husband and went to an art & wine festival that day. All in all it was a fun and full day. It was lovely to see so many friends and new acquaintances.

How was your weekend? Tell me all about it!

Looking for more personal NotBlueAtAll stuff? Check out my Tumblr! Be sure to say hi or ask a question! Thanks.

I know the title sounds a bit corny, I do, but it’s also the only way I could think of to describe what I’ve been going through lately. So tough shit! Ha-ha! j/k. Anyway, finding your sexy can be hard. Even for those who dress or may appear sexy to others. For me it seems to be a fluctuating thing. Even when my hormones are all a-ragin’ I can still feel unsexy, extremely so sometimes. I’m not saying you have to feel sexy all of the damned time because that isn’t always appropriate, ya know?! But there were days when I just couldn’t find it in myself to even think that I could ever be sexy. But that thought pissed me off a bit and so I decided to find it on my own!

Now several months ago, gosh, I can’t remember which month, but I was on a free tele-class hosted by the ever fabulous Golda Poretsky about how to feel sexy at any size. At the time I attended the class on a lark. What I got out of it was mostly some fat acceptance 101 stuff, but I enjoyed hearing Golda’s enthusiasm and supportive tone and stories. And the many callers who asked questions at the end of the class made me realize just how common it is to not feel sexy. I  consider Golda not just a friend, but an amazing resource and confidant when it comes to food and body issues. Do check out her blog over at BodyLoveWellness.com

Then as some of you may recall, I fell into a terrible funk and just couldn’t shake it for some time. When I finally did come out of it, I guess I wasn’t truly out of it at all. It’s a strange state I was in, for sure, but I just didn’t feel like anything. I was disconnected from myself and my body and whatever passion I had once had. Boo! My friends were so kind and supportive and really were there for me even though I didn’t know what I needed. My fellow fatty bloggers were there for me, too! They always inspire me. As do my readers/commenters (seriously, I don’t bite, please say hello). It was just a strange time for me I guess.

And then the hormones went into overdrive! Whoa! I was unprepared for the sudden sex drive I had. I’d never been like that before. And for weeks on end? Nuts! But I didn’t necessarily feel sexy. I wanted sex, but feeling desirable is another story all together. I didn’t exactly wake up one day determined to feel sexy or anything, but I did start doing things I either hadn’t done in ages or at all. First thing was I watched the films “Before Sunrise” & “Before Sunset” which are very sexy, but not rom-coms at all! And Ethan Hawke is mighty easy on these eyes, so that totally helped. I dunno, I think it was just the sweetness and tension and longing of those films, and damn they end nicely, that got me thinking along those lines.

Then of course was Virgie’s Burlesque class at Good Vibrations! Just walking into GV had me feeling more sexy. And with the moves Virgie taught us I knew I had found a way to get there again. Very simple moves, mind you, but it’s all in your frame of mind! Anyone can shimmy and shake! After that I watched some old Betty Hutton movies and even toyed with the idea of becoming a burlesque performer myself (Virgie inspired me, what can I say, but I don’t think I’m there just yet). And then I just started to fucking dance again! DANCE!!! Why did I ever leave you?!

You don’t even know…I have loved to dance my entire life! I still remember dance routines from when I was five and six years old (but don’t you dare put me on the spot–talking to you Jery). I went out dancing with some friends to a BBW club in Oakland and had the greatest time! When I was dancing it was like I reconnected with my body. I reconnected with dance! I found myself sexy even if I’m a big fat white valley girl, I felt fantastic! And that feeling (after the soreness went away) bled into my wanting to dance every day! And I try to do just that. Even if it’s just at home with the pug or in my cafe with my iPod. I dance! And I love to dance! And I feel fucking awesomely sexy doing it!

I see my boobs jiggle when I shimmy and my booty bounce when I shake my hips and it feels so fabulous. And if you’re unfamiliar with the more goth style of dancing, it’s a lot of slow and expressive, but fluid arm movements. You can go in any direction with dance and feel sexy. I’m not talking about looks here, I don’t always look sexy when I dance, but I can feel it every time if I want to. The music matters, too, of course. Luckily for me the new Lady Gaga has proven to give much need for some dancing around my apartment (the pug just doesn’t understand and gives that side cocked look of confusion every time while the tabby protests and leaves the room, too funny). I just can’t help it now. If I hear a good beat, a great song or an old time fave? I start moving now and I love that! I had forgotten how to do that.

What really sealed it for me though was fantasizing! I hadn’t fantasized in a sexual way in ages. I had forgotten how! And then I had an erotic dream that gave me plenty of inspiration and when I woke up I didn’t want it to end (we’ve all been there, right?) and so I fantasized the continuation of it. And then I realized how powerful that was and felt. That I could just fantasize about something and get all tingly? Fabulous!!! And so I did and I do. And I put on some music, have a glass of wine and I dance or fantasize and if my husband isn’t around I’ll masturbate with this fantasy in mind and nothing feels sexier!

So today I’m wearing jeans and a t-shirt and even my hair is a bit dorky, but you know what? I totally feel sexy! I’m having a great boob day (when they just look fab for whatever reason) and while it’s laundry time for sure, I just feel it! I feel it mostly in my hips, but any booty shakin’ is good in my book!

So how do you make yourself feel sexy? Did you forget that part of yourself, too? How did you get it back? What do you fantasize about? What makes you dance? Tell me, babies, because I love this and I love you and we should all just dance and juggle and shimmy-shake and have the best time of our lives! <3

I got a catalog from Roaman’s in the mail yesterday and I flipped through with my usual disdain for these things. But I was pleasantly surprised, I must say! Usually I flip through these fatty catalogs with my eyes ready to roll. I rarely fatshion blog or wish list, but here’s what I found to be fab in this here catalog (and were I not beyond poor at the point would absolutely buy):

2 Pocket Henley Tank

Twin Print Tank

Tab Sleeve Big Shirt

Floral Print Empire Waist Maxi Dress

Floral Print Illusion Empire Waist Dress

Ruffle Halter Swimdress

So it seems I’m leaning more femme suddenly! Ha-ha! I would have guessed all plaids and polka dots, nope! And ruffles? I’m usually not that into ’em, but okay. That first tank, well, I love the look and length and two pockets? Yes, please! Simple and classic and casual, just like moi! Not! I’m boho at heart and I think this shows especially with the florals. That big shirt is so gorgeous it hurts! I don’t know though, there’s a fine line, at least for me, between cute florals and full-on granny time, ya know? But I love it! And that illusion dress? OMZ! So cute! That halter swimdress? To die for! If only I had the monies…oh well. A gal can dream.

There were some fatshion fails (IMHO), but let’s focus on the positive, shall we? Cute swim suits! Adorbz dresses! Practical garb for almost every gal! No worries. Way to go Roaman’s! Woo! Enjoy 40% off yoru highest priced item with coupon code: RD32618 (expires 7/6/2011)