Have you ever had someone try to call you out for being a “bad fatty?” It doesn’t matter the situation, person, activity, they were just waiting to tell you you’re wrong/hipocrtical/a bad fatty! Sometimes who it comes from is the more difficult part. It can be equally unnerving or uncomfortable if it’s someone close to you or a total stranger. I get the full spectrum operating my cafe everyday. You know that look? The one that says, “How could you be putting that into your mouth?” or “Should you really be preaching health at every size…at Your size?” and so many more.

When you are fat in public you just never know who will take it upon themselves to not only body & food police you, but even try to make sure you fall into some ridiculous stereotype. Heaven forbid a gal eats a donut! Even just once a year! Nope, we can’t have that! That’s “BAD!”  “You can’t be healthy and eat a donut!” “You know you won’t eat just one!” The fuck I won’t! And you wonder what special little joy they are getting from trying to shame/blame/other you. Anything in the attempt to seem better off, I suppose.

It’s sad to me that it must be reiterated daily/weekly/etc, food has no moral value! There is no “bad” food. There’s rotted food, sure, that’s bad! But not in the moral sense. What you choose to put into your mouth is your business and no one elses. No one’s! Not even your mother! Not even your BFF! Not even your Granny! Not their business! That’s it! Get it? You’re not a “bad fatty” or “bad” anything else. You’re just you! That’s all you can hope to be and that’s all I ever try to be.

Then there’s that look of pity or worse, disgust! The look that says, “How dare you breathe the same air or occupy the same space as me?!” The look that says, “Oh that poor dear! She must be out of control/let herself go.” Where? Where did I let myself go? Huh? Fatlandia? Fatterson U.S.A.?! Tell me! Where exactly did I let myself go? Out of control? Your judgment is out of control! I am in complete and total control over my own actions and judgments, thanks. I do not exist for you! I do not live to please! I live to live! I live to experience the wonders of this world! I live to love and to give and to share…what the fuck do you live for, huh?

Whew! Okay, sorry…went off a bit there. It’s just so frustrating to have people say things, even on the sly, about you because you look a certain way. I’m not interested in conformity! I’m punk rock! Conformity is for squares and suckers, ya know?! I didn’t get dressed in the hopes of fitting/blending in. I don’t hope to pass some non-existent grade you’re handing out. I don’t go out of my way to judge or hate anyone, so why are you? I just don’t get it. I mean, who cares? Who has the time?

Stigma is such a piece of shit! I’m sick of it. I think the most freeing thing anyone can do is simply to no longer care what other people think. If I am to be judged on face value alone? Not my problem! Because trying to fit into some existence that doesn’t want me just as I am, for who I am right now, does not interest me in the least. People don’t look up to others who did not stand out. No one says, “I really admire Shirley, she always seems to fit in and not make waves. That’s what I love about her!”

 You cannot control other people or the world in general. You can’t. You cannot do a damned thing about people perceiving or judging you a certain way. That’s on them! All you can do is just be you. Corny? Maybe! Fuck it! I don’t care! It’s how I roll and I have no intention of stopping. It’s done me just fine up until now, why stop a good thing, ya know? Ha-ha! To the lady who said to my friend, “Oh I know I guy who DOES eat cookies for breakfast. He’s your size!” What in the hell lady? What business is it of yours what anyone has for breakfast or what size they are? Fuck you!

What do you wanna tell the people who judge you unfairly? What can we do to wise people up when they confront us with this bullshit? I have an idea…if ever I’m called a name again, I shall resond, “Ignorant coward!” in the hopes this will confuse the poor dears. Yes, confuse! Their ignorance is cowardice! Their cowardice is ignorance. They are so afraid of fat and fatties that they feel compelled to shout from a moving vehicle or utter some slur under their breath? Coward! They obviously buy into all of that diet industry marketing bullshit. Ignorance! Lose the hate, not the weight! <3

My friend, who bought the book “Health At Every Size” by Linda Bacon PHD, came in yesterday asking me what a specific paragraph meant. While English is not her first language and she would generally call her use/understanding of it to be poor, on this I must disagree as I see no issue with it from her what so ever. With that in mind though, the paragraph in question suggested to the reader to give up the fight against fat/your body. To quit and to trust your body to know what it needs and to listen to it. (Sorry, I lent my copy out and cannot actually quote it.) This concept seemed so alien to her that she had me read it aloud to her and then explain it a few different ways until she fully grasped the concept. Good on her for truly wanting to understand. I am so proud of her, y’all have no idea!

Let’s think on this a moment though. To give up fighting that which our entire society has deemed bad? I can see how this could be confusing for just about anyone, honestly. And I think this is also something that many of us, even the fat acceptance veterans, still struggle with. TRUSTING YOUR BODY!!! We are told from an early age (many of us) to do exactly the opposite! Don’t “give in” or “cave” or “indulge” if you’re craving something. We’re never taught to look into the reason why we may have such a craving. The fact that many people (not just women) believe that deep down they would never stop eating? Wow! It really makes me see just how bad a job we’ve done in educating the public on nutrition. You know?

From a recent post about substitutions:

“One of the things I’ve learned from my own intuitive eating journey is that when I am craving something, there is usually a reason. Not just a “ooh that looks tasty” kind of craving. More of a physiological one. For instance, once a month I crave roast beef deli style sandwiches. Nothing will be a worthy substitute. I can try all manner of turkey or other sandwiches, but they will never be the thinly sliced loveliness of that roast beef sammie in my mind. I must have what I want or I will feel unsatisfied and try as I might, nothing else will do. Same thing for a nice and simple piece of good chocolate! Oh sure, you can give me a bite of your prized brownies, but it won’t fulfill that inner need for something smooth and rich and creamy. And there’s a reason I want those two things so consistently: I’m in need of iron and protein and whatever else is in that roast beef and chocolate is a mood lifter and when else do I need that most?!” (Quoting myself? Um, okay!)

We’ve become so inundated by marketing and diet industry jargon that we buy into it without question. And when you stop questioning things, well, they’ve already won, right? They prey on our fears and exaggerate if not outright fictionalize “facts” and “figures” and “statistics” all in the name of MOOLAH!!! Money, it doesn’t just make the world “go ’round”, no, it also feeds a giant systemic machine that keeps us all numb and dumb and ready to buy buy buy more more more! And it’s so fucking hard to step outside of that system. It is downright radical and extreme a concept to want to unplug from the matrix that is dieting. So what are we to do? It’s just easier to keep chugging along in misery (how they want us) going from one fad diet to the next (I don’t care if it’s called a lifestyle change, it’s still a fucking diet!) until we die! That is what they want, you see. They want us to fork over our hard earned cash, day in and day out, in the hopes of being happy/thin, until we die.

It is an interesting time in the world right now. People are waking up and realizing that they don’t have to live this way. They are speaking up and out and rising up against the powers that be in hopes of changing the world for a better tomorrow. I am in awe of them all! They inspire me so much. But in America? Eh, not so much (but thank the stars for the few who do). We’re lazy and jaded and tired and “no one will listen anyway” and any other excuse you can pull out of your ass. We have jobs to go to and mortgages to pay for or try to save from foreclosure. We have children to worry about and our elderly to care for. We don’t have time to think let alone stand up for our own health and well being anymore. We are slaves to a system and little else, I think. I don’t mean to sound so depressing, but when you step back and look at it? It’s pretty close to the truth. Why else would we require jobs but to pay for food and shelter? Yet how many people do you know have zero debt? Exactly!

So how could we possibly think we can trust our own bodies to do what is right when we’re never told this, we’re never allowed the luxury! We keep buying the next big thing, be it Louboutins or Special K milkshakes, in hopes of somehow improving our lives when all we need and have ever needed is within our own power and our own bodies! That trust is hard to find, too. Even when you begin to believe in the concept and try your best, it’s very difficult. I won’t lie! Even I have a hard time. I look at my portions and wonder if I’m eating too much. I know it’s bullshit and I fight these thoughts, but they are there. It’s nearly impossible to forget a lifetime of programming. But I am always working on it! I hope we can all find a way to escape the clutches of the diet industry. For our own sakes.

Thanks,
<3
S

Happy International No Diet Day to you and you and you!

I wanted to share some of my thoughts today and some fabulous resources, too!

Today I am celebrating by being kind to my body, to myself and to others. I put on eye make up (wow! I know!) and a top I rarely wear and have already gotten some compliments (not my motivation, but still nice). I will feed my body what it desires and give no thought or value or question why or what that is or means. I am pretty much spamming my facebook with INDD stuff today, so if you’re an FB friend o’ mine, tough it out! Ha-ha! =0)

Check out Fat Girls Float‘s post today for the origin & goals of INDD

For info on the INDD Fat Flesh Mob in S.F. Go to Big Fat Blog

Read about how the Fat Waitress Loves her Body!

The ever fabulous Golda Poretsky is offering her book Stop Dieting Now for FREE today only!!!

Sharon Haywood have a fabulous post up at Adios Barbie and be sure to watch her video.

Some are using the Twitter tag #INDD, so check out those posts if you’re over there. But if you’re low on teaspoons or sanity points, you may not want to actually look up International No Diet Day on Twitter. Just sayin’! Lots of folks are saying some silly stuff. Be aware that many links in these tweets link to diet ads, weight loss centers and worse.

For more info or ideas on INDD check out this page (link provided by Penguin Books AUS on twitter).

I am also noticing some people “celebrating” either for the wrong reasons or in the worst ways.
INDD was not created as an excuse for us to all gorge ourselves on “bad” foods or what have you.

Thanks for reading.
<3
S

(Trigger Warning for mention of disordered eating)

Substituting Pudding For Custard while at home may seem a perfectly acceptable thing to do, but if you call something on a menu in a restaurant “Custard” and it’s really vanilla pudding? Well, it’ll rain all over my parade! This is how I started my morning: Biting into a donut hole filled with “Custard” (they call them custard holes on their menu and a friend insisted they were too good to pass up) only to get a small mouthful of cheap vanilla pudding. NOT THE SAME!!! I love custard like I love espresso (as in A LOT!) and when you want one of those must have things you love, you can’t substitute! You gotta go for the good stuff, man!

One of the things I’ve learned from my own intuitive eating journey is that when I am craving something, there is usually a reason. Not just a “ooh that looks tasty” kind of craving. More of a physiological one. For instance, once a month I crave roast beef deli style sandwiches. Nothing will be a worthy substitute. I can try all manner of turkey or other sandwiches, but they will never be the thinly sliced loveliness of that roast beef sammie in my mind. I must have what I want or I will feel unsatisfied and try as I might, nothing else will do. Same thing for a nice and simple piece of good chocolate! Oh sure, you can give me a bite of your prized brownies, but it won’t fulfill that inner need for something smooth and rich and creamy. And there’s a reason I want those two things so consistently: I’m in need of iron and protein and whatever else is in that roast beef and chocolate is a mood lifter and when else do I need that most?!

This is something I have had to learn the hard way. Yes, I did read about it in Linda Bacon’s fabulous book, “Health At Every Size”, but you know that wasn’t enough for this stubborn gal. Nope! I had to see for myself. And sure enough, nothing would satiate the craving until I had what it was I was craving. And it all harks back to what we all must figure out at some point: when you knowingly try to substitute yourself into something “healthier” than what you originally crave, it just won’t cut it! In fact many studies have shown that in the end you’ll find other ways to get what you want (weather that is through salt and fats or other such things or the real deal).

I witnessed this in my pre-FA days in the corporate world when I found myself surrounded by hard-nosed dieters for the first time. There was not a single soul in a very large corporate building who wasn’t on a diet…except me! I was also, easily, the fattest in the whole building, too (though I don’t think I knew it at the time). All anyone would talk about was points and carbs and how little they ate and “Oh you ate all of that? I only ate this” sort of garbage EVERYWHERE!!! And the food y’all! I worked in a training facility, so we had catering almost every day! There was always leftovers! And so the negotiations would begin!

There it is, a platter of food, just waiting for someone, anyone, to dig in! Tiny portions on paper plates, plastic cutlery clinking about, donuts, bagels and muffins halved and then quartered, diet colas cracking open, napkins daintily lain out previously now wadded in masses with pre-chewed bites of food…evidence of many people and disordered eating. I had never witnessed such rituals before. I was a bit shocked at first but so wanted to fit in that I found myself adopting some of these behaviors, too.

It all came to a head one day when my husband and I stopped off at a gas station on a weekend road trip and I came back to the car with a nice big refreshing and cold DIET PEPSI?! The look of horror on my husband’s face and his immediate question, “Why? You don’t even like diet Pepsi!” and suddenly I had no answer for him. Suddenly I realized all at once that I’d become the very people I was trying so hard to fit in with. All of those high heeled shoes I’d recently purchased (yet not a single pair comfortable enough to wear). All of the stupid new lip glosses I “had to try.”

It all suddenly made sense. This is bullshit and this isn’t me! Of course I don’t like diet cola! I never have! But when something is all around you and often literally in abundance (the diet Pepsi was usually free) you sort of just fall into it without even noticing. I drank that Diet Pepsi that day with my husband concerned for my well-being (little did we know about the aspartame!), and pondered the recent past in my new corporate career. I made some decisions in my mind that day and because of that I think I was more open to the concept of Fat Acceptance when I did finally read about it in BUST magazine later that same year.

When my friend Freddy joined our department, he and I became partners in crime and food! We would run to Target on our lunch hour and stock up on 100 calorie packs of things like Hostess Cupcakes! Ha-ha! We’d laugh and laugh and mock-negotiate with one another, “Would you like 50 calories of a vanilla cupcake?” “Oh! Well, sure, if you’ll take 50 calories of my chocolate ones? I can’t be expected to eat this entire thing on my own!” it was in good fun, but I can see now (hindsight and all) that he probably did have some disordered eating going on. Part of it though was that we were sick and tired of trying to fit in. He and I were the outsiders (the gay guy and the fat girl, go figure). While we were both well liked, we just never fit in. That’s okay, we had too much fun to notice after that.

And now that I own and operate my own cafe? Well, I see it every single day! One day when I medical doctor came in for one of my panini asked if I had diet cola and I said no and explained why (my go-to line is “I prefer to serve my customers with foods that won’t give them brain tumors”) he laughed and said, “Oh, I know. I’m a doctor!” and he left and came back with a diet Coke  AND a big ice cream sundae in hand. When I called him on the under indulgence with the coke and over compensation of the sundae, he laughed again. He got it! He knew! But he didn’t care! I have to admit that I found this a bit disarming and cute. And it’s true, no Boston cream pie flavored yogurt will ever be enough of a substitute for a nice slice of the real thing! It is more than just calories and fat and all of that. It’s texture and colors and aroma and flavors, too!

So please do not deprive yourself or try to fool yourself. In the end, you’ll only want the real thing more! And you’re worth the real thing, every time!

Thanks,
S

I was fortunate enough to chat with Amanda of Fat Waitress fame as well as Love Your Body Detroit!
She is definitely someone to keep your eyes on, so passionate and sweet! So many ideas and seemingly boundless creativity!
We talk about being fat while working in food service, activism, Detroit and so much more!

You may listen to the podcast here on the page (player is below) or on iTunes here (or search podcasts for: NotBlueAtAll)
(please subscribe if you are able).

Thanks,

S

*Sorry for the low sound quality on these. It is due to having to compress the file. My server only allows for 7mb of audio and most of these podcasts are around 25-40 mb. If you have any tips, suggestions, etc, do let me know. I use Audacity to edit and a compression program for the final cut and upload. Seems to have gotten worse since I paid for the software versus sampling it. Thanks for sticking it out. Working on improvements, always!

Podcast Episode 8