Pretty much…

I’d responded to an ad on Craigslist for a singer in a goth band, something along the lines of Evanescence. The drummer responded to my inquiry and explained a bit about the band and it’s style. I responded with a bit about me including that I often sing Evanescence’s “Sober” at karaoke to rave reviews. I also included a link to my blog and pictures, my recent return to performing and my experience in the music industry back in the day (I did not ask about their image or anything along those lines).
This was their response:

“Hi Sarah!!!
That’s cool that you’re into music and have had experience in that field.  As far as image, we are looking for a slender model-like classically trained/opera singer.  Hmmmm…. Would you be interested in managing/booking/promoting?
Joey”

“Hi Joey,
No, I’ve done the whole promoting/booking stuff before. I’m looking to broaden my horizons and get out of my comfort zone.
Good luck to you.
Sarah”

Being in a band is on my “bucket list” and I will make this happen. No, goth wasn’t my first choice in a band or style, but I thought what the hay, it might be fun. Being turned down outright without allowing for an audition based entirely on my size/looks? Um…way to go bigots! Isn’t it funny how those who would be considered outsiders by the mainstream go along with the mainstream opinion on such stuff. Way to be…NOT!

So, my dream of a bad ass, fat ass, kick ass punk-pop-rock band will continue to be a dream…for now! One day it will come together and be so much fun that I won’t even remember this silly moment in time at all. It’s disappointing, sure, but not devastating. In fact for some reason I find it kind of hilarious. Why did I think I should be in a goth band anyway?! Ha-ha!

If you live in the SF bay area and play an instrument and wanna rock…HIT ME UP! 😉

It has been surprising and wonderful for me to get to know fellow size acceptance activists. I have been educated, enlightened, lifted and delighted. I have seen and experienced things I wouldn’t trade for the world. Yet I am often shocked to hear the following phrase from the lips of quite a few who claim to love and accept themselves,

“I don’t want to be skinny. I just…”

…want to be healthy
…want to be a size 18
…want to be less than this *MakesSweepingGestureToTheirBody*
…want to feel beautiful
…want to stop struggling all of the time
…want to be comfortable
…want to be happy

What?! This is not acceptance. I usually feel the need to bite my tongue in such moments, but it depends on the person and my relationship with them. Sometimes I will call bullshit on the whole thing and tell them exactly what I think on the subject. It’s hard though. Who am I to tell someone that how they feel about their body is wrong? Well, I have been there and know what it’s like to live on the other side of that way of thinking. Also, I guess I just hate to see incredible and amazing people hold themselves back.

We could be doing so much more in our lives by simply letting go of this way of thinking. To believe that if you change your body that your life will magically be what you’ve always wanted it to be? Um…NO! I love me some fairy tales and magic and fantasy, but that’s not reality. I chose to live the life I do. I choose to love it and my body everyday. It is a conscious decision. It is a necessary one, too. It is one that allows me and all 325 lbs of my awesomesauce to go about this world in a way that I generally like and appreciate.

I also believe that you’re not only holding yourself back by hating your body, but you’re also allowing others to drag you down, too. You’re allowing them to influence and judge you. Fuck that! Especially when this comes from people who knows the facts, the science and the truth of living in a fat body. I know it’s hard. I know people are ignorant and mean. It doesn’t mean that we should relent or quit. The truth is the truth. You can’t change it. You can certainly choose to ignore it, but it’s still the truth. *Sigh*

I know that when I stopped wanting to change my body that my life improved greatly. When I stopped hating myself and my body I had more energy to focus on the things I love and enjoy. Go figure that soon I was making better choices for myself in my daily life. I’m not just talking about food and movement, here. I’m talking about the people in my life, the ways in which I chose to give attention or not, just everything, ya know?

It is a journey, not a destination. I still have bad days. I have days where there’s not an ounce of fight in me. But there is always love, even if it’s just a tiny bit. I will always find something in myself to love and appreciate. And I will always have it in me to keep going. It’s not easy, but I wouldn’t know easy if it slapped me across the face and introduced itself to me. Ha-ha! I just know that life is better for me this way. I get up in the morning with a sense of ownership I didn’t have before. That makes such a difference!

When you want to be something else, to change your body, you are dissociating and disconnecting from your body. You live in your body. It is your home. If you hate your home you’re never happy or comfortable. I lived this way for a long time both in the physical and mental sense of “home” and walking away from the abuse and choosing to love the body that survived it all was nothing short of the best thing I ever did! Had I not done that I never would have opened my own cafe or started Fatty Affair or any of the cool stuff I’ve done (and yes I often need to be reminded of what I’m capable of, it’s a journey, remember).

I often talk about my wonderful friends, but let me tell you, I wouldn’t have them if I still hated myself. Sometimes faking it to make it works. Sometimes just being as neutral as possible works. But actively harming, hurting, or talking negatively about yourself has repercussions.  Just as what you put into your body, what you expose it to (your own words/thoughts, too) has an effect!

And in this we always have a choice! How we treat ourselves and talk to ourselves is a choice. I hope that one day this type of thing will no longer be an issue. I think it’s possible. Awareness is the first step in the right direction. Leading my example is the next step. I’m doing my best, for me. I hope that you can and will, too.

<3
S

This weekend was incredible! Friday my beloved Raven came by for a visit. I had some horrible family shit go down tat would have sent me over the edge had it not been for her. I was shaking with anger; I so rarely get angry at all so this was especially scary. “To Daiso!” she insisted and off we went for fun, cheap, cute stuff shopping! I scored a cute fedora for $3! Followed by Beard Papas (custard filled cream puffs!) and some serious chatting.

Later that night my “Special Geek” took me out to dinner at one of my favorite places and it was also our three month anniversary (if you’re into that kind of thing, ha-ha!). Saturday my gal Laura came down for a visit and we painted the town red! We were getting dolled up for our night of fun and soon my roommate joined in and we were all trying on each others dresses and shoes and hair stuffs. It was a full on femme fest up in here! Ha-ha!

Before we dashed off we had to get some pics of our hot outfits (both thanks to my gorgeous roommate) and we realized we had no pics of the two of us together. What a crime?! Laura was a great photographer and told me what to do in my pics. Love that! We felt so hot and sexy and fabulous and you know, when you’re in the right company, you just feel fearless, too! 😉

Laura wanted to hit up a local BBW club, and while I so didn’t, I was doing my best to be a gracious hostess and relented. We only stayed for an hour because the DJ is the worst (in the bay area?) and I just cannot stand for a song being played twice within an hour. The folks there were beyond friendly that night and we even caught up with some old acquaintances, but in the end we just had to move onto better things.

We hit up this Irish bar that I love and tore up the dance floor! The DJ there was fantastic! We didn’t stop dancing except to pee and get more Magner’s (Irish hard apple cider). I was on cloud nine! We laughed and danced, she flirted fearlessly and I stood back in awe of her confidence an beauty. Well, take a look for yourself…

I’m so blessed and lucky and grateful to have such wonderful people in my life.

I’m in a much better place, mentally, than I thought possible, all things considered. I’ve had such massive waves of insecurity I sort of worried if I’d ever feel like “me” again. But I do and here I am and I’m okay. Actually, I’m a little better than okay today. I’m feeling pretty dang good, both mentally and physically.

Wednesday evening I was taken on an impromptu date to Taco Bell by my BFF P! We randomly wore the exact same color palette (black and red, yo!) and went back to his for fun cocktails and awesomely bad movies. He and I hadn’t hung out just the two of us in years and oh how I loved every minute of it! (We are also starting a movie review YouTube channel, so stay tuned for the hilarity!)

Yesterday…ahhh! Yesterday was sublime! (I don’t know that I’ve used that word much in my life.) The bf took the day off to spend with me and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. We did so many fun things! My favorite though was going to Nickel City! It’s this arcade sort of place, but it’s all run on nickels ($2 admission) and a lot of the older arcade games are on free play (Tetris anyone?!). Ohmigosh! So much fun! We won a bunch of tickets from various games and cashed them in for a Spongebob puzzle and a couple of matching, silver, plastic dollar sign rings. It’s silly and tacky and hilarious and I think I’m in love with this ring! I want to wear it always! 😉 Mostly it was just lovely to spend so much time with someone I, well, want to spend all my time with. Ha-ha!

I went to bed smiling last night and woke up that way as well. It’s hot out and the birds are singing and I slept gorgeously (so needed). I randomly decided to wear this Torrid top I’d bought at least five years ago. I love this top, but have never worn it. I always put it on, then freak out about it and put on something else before going out. Ugh! It’s so pretty and I always thought I could wear it confidently, but that hasn’t been the case. I thought I could pair it with a smart shrug or something, but let’s face it, when it’s hot enough to wear this kind of top you’re so not wanting to layer it. Ugh! But today I felt great and it’s hot out and I thought, “Fuck it! I’m doing this thang today!!!” and so I did!

(Sorry, couldn’t get a full body shot, plus I’m just in my undies right now. Ha-ha!)

And a side note here, can I bitch for a moment about my Sally Hansen Gel manicure thing? Ugh! I’d wanted this thing for awhile and finally found a new one on eBay for a steal. I realize I didn’t pay full price, but I was excited to use this product. It claimed a long lasting (2 weeks) chip resistant manicure. ONE DAY!!! It last one fucking day! First thing yesterday on nail entirely peeled off (see pic above)! WTF?! The rest are all chipping and catching on everything. I’ll be taking it all off today, but seriously this is some bullshit! 1-2 days versus two weeks?! Not cool! I do not recommend this product at all. I expect more from Sally Hansen (for some reason) and cannot believe how much they’re charging (retail) for this crap. Ahem. *StepsOffSoapBox*

So, yeah, I’m feeling pretty good. Going to stay in today until it cools off. Have many jobs to apply to anyway. I’m waiting to hear back about my unemployment claim. Fingers crossed. I hope you all have a lovely weekend!
<3
S

Today’s TMI Tuesday post isn’t salacious or exciting. It’s just about my feelings over recent fat happenings and my own personal struggles with access and financial status at the moment. If this doesn’t interest you, please come back another day for your regularly scheduled fat/Sarah’s emo talk. 🙂

So, I won’t be linking to anything here today. This shit is all over the damned web already, I choose not to contribute the traffic at all, thanks. And while I have been silent thus far, it is only because I hadn’t processed my own feelings about it. Specifically the whole Abercrombie bullshit scandal and the whole “fat people shouldn’t get PHDs” thing. Ugh! *EpicEyeRoll*

I haven’t touched either of these topics for one reason: I’m Poor! I say this not to gain sympathy, pity, charity or words of encouragement. I state it as a simple fact. I refuse to be ashamed. I refuse to hide it. It just is, so be it. My immediate future is so uncertain that I am forcing myself to keep that shit out of my mind as much as I possibly can. Here’s the truth though, last night I was filled with anxiety because of food insecurity. I felt like shit when B bought my dinner, again. Ugh! I know I am soooooo fucking lucky to have friends who can support me through meals or just general support and stuff. I am eternally grateful and tell them this often. It doesn’t change the fact that I couldn’t sleep because I didn’t know if I could eat the next day.

So this morning, realizing that I’d received my last paycheck direct deposit, I went grocery shopping. I went to this new Walmart grocery store and holy crap I got so much stuff for so little money! I’m hoping to stretch what I got for a few weeks or at least until I know where future monies will be coming from (new job, unemployment, etc.). Being with loving friends who also enjoy cooking inspired me. These are “broke bitches” after my own heart and believe me when I say that  “broke bitches” know how to take care of business and get shit done and make everyone in their life feel good, too. I am in awe of them both! So I loaded up on staples and produce and will hopefully come out of this scary period unscathed.

Because it is hella scary. I know I said I would keep all the bad things away, but I’m trying not to live in denial, either. I just gotta face this shit and keep moving ahead and hope and believe that thing will turn out alright. They just have to. So yeah, I bought groceries, but I feel a lot better overall because of it. I offered to cook dinner for B tonight and I’m excited to do it! This is progress, at least for me.

So, what does any of this have to do with the recent fat hate scandals? I always say, follow the money and the truth/intent will be found. The truth is that I’ve never had access or ever fooled myself into believe I could ever have access to either name brand clothing or a higher education. I was reprimanded by high school teachers when I explained that college would never be an option for me. Is it any wonder why I dropped out?! Ugh! I went to work full time at age sixteen and never looked back. The only time I longed to wear name brand clothing was in Junior High School when Guess jeans were all the rage and once my dad saw the price tag he snatched me up and outta the store on the double. Ha-ha!

If these entities have bias it has always been against the poor. If they are choosing to publicly hate on fatties? What the fuck else is new? I want no part of either. I choose to focus my time and attention on what I can in my own life and community. I know what has held me back that  I had control over and that is my own self esteem and general attitude towards life. Money? Psshht! I haven’t ever had control over that. It has ebbed and flowed as it pleases and I try not to get too hung up on that shit. It only distracts and dazzles and makes you want things you don’t need.

What has been difficult is getting invited to all the things by so many lovely and wonderful people but having to decline every single one because I’m too broke to buy a ticket, bring something or really leave the house much. This past weekend was such a luxury and really all I did was drive. My lovely friends really did take care of me. But I cannot expect nor count on that forever, nor would I want to. I don’t want to have to rely on such kindnesses, but I am so grateful that it’s there if needed.

All of my problems could be answered with such a simple thing: A full time job. That’s it! Not a six figure salary or retirement plan. No, simple is what I prefer anyway and really all I typically want. I’m pinning my hopes and thoughts on that dream job I interviewed for last week. I have to keep applying/looking for work though or my unemployment could get screwed. And if something comes along before the dream job I will have to take it. The thought hurts, but I gotta keep on keepin’ on as always, babies.

If you have tips, recipes, or just wanna share some love, hit me up! ;)  notblueatall@notblueatall.com

<3
S