Here’s the thing, some people will never get it! Yes, I’m talking about fat acceptance and size diversity, but I’m also talking about me (or you) as a person. No matter how many times you explain and spell things out, some people will just never see the other side. I see this in my own relationships, painfully, more so now than ever. I see that as I find that I know myself and my needs and wants in my life that there are people who will only ever choose to see or accept their own specific version of me. It doesn’t matter how much I shine or grow or change, to them I fit nicely and neatly into some little box they’ve labeled “Sarah” and they’re not terribly interested in allowing upgrades or revisions. So be it.

I have been amazed at how simple and powerful the phrase, “that is unacceptable” can be. When I told someone last year that how they were treating me was unacceptable and that I wouldn’t tolerate it in my life, they didn’t apologize or ask questions or even attempt to make things better or right. Instead they kept insisting the blame was mine and I needed to somehow get over myself…or something. I refuse to lower myself or my standards when it comes to friendships for people who refuse to treat me with respect, honesty and realness. And realness only gets you so far when you are lying to your damned self! 😉

I am unapologetically me! I am lumpy, I have rolls, I am sexy, I am sassy, I am smart and sometimes quite hilarious! I want and choose to enjoy my life. As best as I can, anyhow. I have been dealt some heavy blows lately, but I keep getting back up. Sometimes I don’t even know why, but I do it. I do it because I remember the abuse and not wanting to live anymore. I do it for those who are there in the thick of it now. I love you! You’re worth so much more and you’ll get it, too, if you can find your own light inside…it’s there!  *HUGS* I do it because all I have ever fucking known is to fight and to struggle. It’s exhausting but I wouldn’t know easy if it slapped me in the face.

Living my life out in the open has been liberating and surprising and scary as hell. I don’t fear the same things I used to. Perhaps that’s maturity, but what I crave and ache for has changed, too. I appreciate such simple pleasures at times it makes me laugh, out loud, alone in my room. Ha-ha! My wants are so few and my demands fewer. I want love. I want freedom. I want a choice. I want to survive. I want the truth, always. I want to express myself in any way I see fit. I want color and nature.

Right now I want to pour myself into a bottle of wine and sleep…for life! Monday (when I wrote this) hit me like a ton of bricks and I don’t know that there are tears left in me to give. It’s not that I didn’t know the bad stuff was coming, I did, I was just already feeling so scared and vulnerable. To have the harshness of that extra bit of reality spotlighted was just too much on such a dreary day. When I turned to a friend who has been there for me before and was met with utter assholery, well? That was the kicker. I can’t take getting shit on anymore, ya know?

When I was driving back to work from lunch I drove past a part of town that I hadn’t given much thought to before and it triggered a very bad and very repressed memory in me that nearly had me incapacitated. THAT BAD! I haven’t had a PTSD symptom in over a year, some more than that. This memory was one of the worst of the worst and I thought I couldn’t breathe. The one thing that got me through it though was thinking of that “Special Geek” I’ve mentioned here before. He’s such a shining beacon in the night for me. He’s so kind and wonderful to me and I am so glad my brain chose to focus on him rather than the horrors of the past in that moment. I am so grateful and so blessed and so fortunate, I know this. I have incredible friends both IRL and online and I wouldn’t be able to get up everyday without ’em. And it is why I love with my whole self and end up hurt, too. So be it.

I can only be and honor me and my truth and my experience. I can try to show you, I can try to explain, but until they get rid of all those boxes labeled “Sarah” you/they will never see the real me and I will never, truly, be understood and I think that’s okay.

(Have you entered this week’s Bacon themed giveaway from FunSlurp.com?)

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This week’s TTT submission comes from “Too Big To Fail”

His personal fatty philosophy:

Fuck it. Do what you want.

And you MUST check out their fattastic zine 2 BY 4 : A Fat Zine

(I happen to be interviewed in it, but it’s mega awesome even if I wasn’t! And only $1!)

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Thank you so much “Too Big To Fail”!  Dudes are ALWAYS welcome! 🙂

I am always looking for submissions from anyone who wants to exercise their right to Bare Arms for future Tank Top Tuesday posts! Email your pics here: notblueatall@notblueatall.com,please include the name you’d like in the post, a blog or etsy shop you wanna plug, your thoughts on bare arms or other fatty philosophies. It does not have to be in a tank top, just have fun with it! And thank you to all who have submitted and continue to do so. These posts make my week! They are so fun and empowering, too! So keep ‘em comin’ and keep baring those arms!

OVERWEIGHT

Over what weight, exactly?! Anyone? Bueller? EXACTAMUNDO! I’m fucking done with that word. I’ve seen it enough in the last three days to never need to ever again! It’s a meaningless piece of nothing. Yet it’s touted so much you’d think it was something terribly clever to drop into conversations. Well, it ain’t!

I am the weight that I am meant to be. Don’t believe me? I don’t give a shit! My body is my business. Period! There’s no wiggle room in this, it’s mine, not yours, and you need to leave it alone, obviously physically, but especially in conversation!

When I hear this word I cringe. Every fiber of my being becomes fire and I want to shoot it at whomever spouted the nonsense. It may sound a bit dramatic, but it’s offensive and ridiculous at once. It’s used as a proper thing and as though they are being polite by using it instead of the dreaded…FAT!!!

Fuck that! Use the damned word FAT! Please!!! It is far more true a term than any other. If you’re talking about someone’s body? Yeah, declaring it even in a hushed tone as “overweight” you’re only making yourself look ignorant. Because, “Ya are, Blanch! Ya are!”

So…Just…Stop it!

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End Rant.

Let’s look at this whole thing for a minute, shall we? Hating your body, what has it gotten you? Has it helped you do or get anything? Oh sure, you might get the “good fatty” points for “trying” and all, but in the grand scheme of life itself…what has this self hating gotten you? Has it earned you any love or respect or put a roof over your head? No? So why hang onto this way of being? If you’ve never thought about your fat body in this way, hang out a minute.

Have you ever thought that maybe the mainstream is wrong? Questioned authority? Had a grain of disbelief when seeing all of those “before and after” photos on television? Yeah, you might just be ready for a little body revolution! Don’t worry, you’re among good people! 😉 There’s a worldwide community of proud fatties who have chosen to love and care for their fat bodies instead of hating them and we’re all chatting and living it up! We do things and write things and shake things up and all while living in fat bodies! There’s no holding us back or stopping us now, so maybe you shouldn’t let that self hate stop you either!

Perhaps you grew up with people in your life that struggled against and were basically always at war with their bodies, no matter their actual size. Maybe your mom or grandma was extra harsh on you from a young age or the kids at school bullied you for having a differently shaped or sized body. No matter where you started or what you’ve been through, you can choose something different for yourself now! You get to choose to do right by your fat body and to live the best life you can within it!

The great thing about beginning your self-acceptance journey is that it doesn’t cost a thing! There’s no membership fee or card. There’s no instruction manual on how to stop hating yourself (though plenty of great books on the subject) or some sort of short cut on getting there. I will say, though, that it is entirely worth every ounce of effort and energy in the world (and so are you)! The benefits you can reap from this journey are boundless!

I never thought anyone would ever refer to me as “bubbly” “positive” or “confident” but they do now! I used to be the ultimate downer, Eeyore incarnate! And now I feel as though I have broken free from the bounds/binds of self hate, harm and judgment. Blegh! Who needs those anyhow?! They do nothing but hold you back and you have shit to do!

There is no thin person inside of me screaming to come out. There is only the real me in there, happy to finally see the light of day after so many years of hiding in the dark, drowning in shame. NO MORE! I am done with all of that and I hope that you are ready to be done with it, too. There is this great big beautiful world out there to be lived in and explored. You may not have noticed, it’s kind of hard to see it when you’re worst thoughts are always turned inward.

*Hugs*

You can do whatever you want! So do it, don’t wait! Give yourself permission to be happy. You deserve it. Shake the old shit off and walk free of that burden. Because you rock! You are awesome! And deep down you know you’re better than all of that old nonsense. 😉