This weekend was incredible! Friday my beloved Raven came by for a visit. I had some horrible family shit go down tat would have sent me over the edge had it not been for her. I was shaking with anger; I so rarely get angry at all so this was especially scary. “To Daiso!” she insisted and off we went for fun, cheap, cute stuff shopping! I scored a cute fedora for $3! Followed by Beard Papas (custard filled cream puffs!) and some serious chatting.

Later that night my “Special Geek” took me out to dinner at one of my favorite places and it was also our three month anniversary (if you’re into that kind of thing, ha-ha!). Saturday my gal Laura came down for a visit and we painted the town red! We were getting dolled up for our night of fun and soon my roommate joined in and we were all trying on each others dresses and shoes and hair stuffs. It was a full on femme fest up in here! Ha-ha!

Before we dashed off we had to get some pics of our hot outfits (both thanks to my gorgeous roommate) and we realized we had no pics of the two of us together. What a crime?! Laura was a great photographer and told me what to do in my pics. Love that! We felt so hot and sexy and fabulous and you know, when you’re in the right company, you just feel fearless, too! 😉

Laura wanted to hit up a local BBW club, and while I so didn’t, I was doing my best to be a gracious hostess and relented. We only stayed for an hour because the DJ is the worst (in the bay area?) and I just cannot stand for a song being played twice within an hour. The folks there were beyond friendly that night and we even caught up with some old acquaintances, but in the end we just had to move onto better things.

We hit up this Irish bar that I love and tore up the dance floor! The DJ there was fantastic! We didn’t stop dancing except to pee and get more Magner’s (Irish hard apple cider). I was on cloud nine! We laughed and danced, she flirted fearlessly and I stood back in awe of her confidence an beauty. Well, take a look for yourself…

I’m so blessed and lucky and grateful to have such wonderful people in my life.

(Trigger Warning: Food issues)

When I am not feeling like myself, as was the case yesterday (and really the day before as well), I have found that I also don’t treat myself as kindly as I should or would like to. I tend to let a lot of things slide. Specifically, eating food. Mind you, I’ll almost always manage to get some coffee/caffeine in me, but only to stave off the inevitable headache. Yes, I did not eat until 7:30 pm yesterday and of this I am ashamed. I know better. I had food in the house. I just wasn’t feeling well, and obviously not thinking straight either.

I recall the long ago days when I was 19 and 20 years old living on little more than Taco Bell, Lean Cuisine and Jose Cuervo. Blegh! I could never do that to myself again. I know I was so depressed and truly suffering through the worst of my PTSD at the time (though I hadn’t a clue then) but I also didn’t really know how to eat or care for myself, either. How could I? I know at one point my grandma was worried about me and would pack me lunches for work, even though I lived and worked twenty miles away. Gawd how I miss her. Not because of the lunches, mind you, but her caring and loving and sense of humor and hugs most of all.

It is when I am not taking care of myself that I am truly letting myself, and those I care about, down. My grandma would scold me for not eating all day like I did yesterday. I can picture the face she’d give me and then I know she’d dash into the kitchen and rustle up some combination of simple, filling and awesome. When my family had so little, we always had Sunday dinner at grandma’s house. I looked forward to it all week! My favorite was the simple little green salad she’d serve before the main course. I didn’t even know what courses were back then, but I knew salad was so special and rare and my favorite!

I suppose growing up in a food insecure household meant that continuing food issues would be inevitable. I hadn’t realized just how much of our childhoods affected us as adults, on this topic specifically, until two weeks ago when I literally had nothing to eat in the house and relied on B for dinner one evening and felt like utter shit for it. He made no bones about it, of course, but how I felt was so triggering and awful that the next morning I went to the grocery store and spent $100 on groceries just to be able to breathe again. *Sigh*

I think I have used not eating as a way of feeling as though I am in control of something in my life when so much is truly out of my control. Like this one thing? I got this! Ugh! This is not who I am or want to be. I have worked very hard to break these patterns and behaviors. So why does it pop back up so suddenly now? Really things are going great for the most part. I just need a job! That’s it! So simple, three letters, all the difference in the fucking universe! I would have at least some relief if I knew whether I’d be getting unemployment money coming or not. I should be getting the word any day now, but it’s killing me! I just need to know so I can find another means of paying my rent in time if need be. I don’t know how I’ll do that, but I’m sure I’ll hustle something up somehow.

I also felt like a big phony faker on Sunday night and I hated myself for it. I went to my BFF’s birthday dinner and felt lousy and truly didn’t want to be there. My boyfriend (OMZ! I cannot believe I have a boyfriend! Ha-ha!) was supposed to go with me, but had work stuff to tend to. It was nice to drive up with “Q” but I think even she could tell I wasn’t the usual me. I did my best not to show how yucky I was feeling, but inside I just wanted to run the fuck away and hide under the covers. But I missed Steph so much and so rarely get to see her and if I’d bailed this time I knew she’d hunt me down and kill me! Ha-ha! It wasn’t that I had a horrible time or anything, but I did have to sort of grin and bare it through the evening. I felt like an alien, to be honest. I felt like I was surrounded by all of these smart and put together people with cool jobs and awesome lives and adult problems and here I am barely able to hold it together. Ugh!

Today is a new day and I shall treat it as such. I know how to care for myself, certainly better than the last few days. I will be more mindful of how I am feeling and listen carefully to what my body needs. I distinctly recall three times yesterday where I heard my stomach growling and rather than paying attention and providing food/fuel for my body and brain I actually thought to myself, “Ugh! Why are you growling? Shut up!” Whoa! NOT ME! I guess I just needed some comforting and didn’t know how or who to ask for it. I mean, I don’t think anyone else even knew or could know at the time that I needed such a thing, maybe I didn’t even know. I know now. But I also know that I wasn’t doing much to comfort myself.

Self care takes many forms. First and foremost should be the basics like food and water. I have not struggled with that part in so long I guess I actually forgot for a bit there just how that felt and can spiral into worse. I am glad that I was able to recognize it before it got out of hand. I know that I used to starve myself rather than ask to borrow a dollar from a single soul back in those Lean Cuisine and Tequila days. Older and wiser, eh? Ha-ha! Okay, I can do this. I will do this…there is no try, only do! 😉

Today’s TMI Tuesday post isn’t salacious or exciting. It’s just about my feelings over recent fat happenings and my own personal struggles with access and financial status at the moment. If this doesn’t interest you, please come back another day for your regularly scheduled fat/Sarah’s emo talk. 🙂

So, I won’t be linking to anything here today. This shit is all over the damned web already, I choose not to contribute the traffic at all, thanks. And while I have been silent thus far, it is only because I hadn’t processed my own feelings about it. Specifically the whole Abercrombie bullshit scandal and the whole “fat people shouldn’t get PHDs” thing. Ugh! *EpicEyeRoll*

I haven’t touched either of these topics for one reason: I’m Poor! I say this not to gain sympathy, pity, charity or words of encouragement. I state it as a simple fact. I refuse to be ashamed. I refuse to hide it. It just is, so be it. My immediate future is so uncertain that I am forcing myself to keep that shit out of my mind as much as I possibly can. Here’s the truth though, last night I was filled with anxiety because of food insecurity. I felt like shit when B bought my dinner, again. Ugh! I know I am soooooo fucking lucky to have friends who can support me through meals or just general support and stuff. I am eternally grateful and tell them this often. It doesn’t change the fact that I couldn’t sleep because I didn’t know if I could eat the next day.

So this morning, realizing that I’d received my last paycheck direct deposit, I went grocery shopping. I went to this new Walmart grocery store and holy crap I got so much stuff for so little money! I’m hoping to stretch what I got for a few weeks or at least until I know where future monies will be coming from (new job, unemployment, etc.). Being with loving friends who also enjoy cooking inspired me. These are “broke bitches” after my own heart and believe me when I say that  “broke bitches” know how to take care of business and get shit done and make everyone in their life feel good, too. I am in awe of them both! So I loaded up on staples and produce and will hopefully come out of this scary period unscathed.

Because it is hella scary. I know I said I would keep all the bad things away, but I’m trying not to live in denial, either. I just gotta face this shit and keep moving ahead and hope and believe that thing will turn out alright. They just have to. So yeah, I bought groceries, but I feel a lot better overall because of it. I offered to cook dinner for B tonight and I’m excited to do it! This is progress, at least for me.

So, what does any of this have to do with the recent fat hate scandals? I always say, follow the money and the truth/intent will be found. The truth is that I’ve never had access or ever fooled myself into believe I could ever have access to either name brand clothing or a higher education. I was reprimanded by high school teachers when I explained that college would never be an option for me. Is it any wonder why I dropped out?! Ugh! I went to work full time at age sixteen and never looked back. The only time I longed to wear name brand clothing was in Junior High School when Guess jeans were all the rage and once my dad saw the price tag he snatched me up and outta the store on the double. Ha-ha!

If these entities have bias it has always been against the poor. If they are choosing to publicly hate on fatties? What the fuck else is new? I want no part of either. I choose to focus my time and attention on what I can in my own life and community. I know what has held me back that  I had control over and that is my own self esteem and general attitude towards life. Money? Psshht! I haven’t ever had control over that. It has ebbed and flowed as it pleases and I try not to get too hung up on that shit. It only distracts and dazzles and makes you want things you don’t need.

What has been difficult is getting invited to all the things by so many lovely and wonderful people but having to decline every single one because I’m too broke to buy a ticket, bring something or really leave the house much. This past weekend was such a luxury and really all I did was drive. My lovely friends really did take care of me. But I cannot expect nor count on that forever, nor would I want to. I don’t want to have to rely on such kindnesses, but I am so grateful that it’s there if needed.

All of my problems could be answered with such a simple thing: A full time job. That’s it! Not a six figure salary or retirement plan. No, simple is what I prefer anyway and really all I typically want. I’m pinning my hopes and thoughts on that dream job I interviewed for last week. I have to keep applying/looking for work though or my unemployment could get screwed. And if something comes along before the dream job I will have to take it. The thought hurts, but I gotta keep on keepin’ on as always, babies.

If you have tips, recipes, or just wanna share some love, hit me up! ;)  notblueatall@notblueatall.com

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I would like to take this moment to just be happy. Today is a huge day for me. I have an in-person interview for what appears to be the perfect job for me. Not only is it a job, though, it is basically the missing piece of my awesome life puzzle right now. If I get this job I won’t have to worry about EVERYTHING all of the time anymore. The funny thing is, I kind of feel like it’s already mine. In an intoxicated state after my dance show on Sunday, while having dinner with my bffs, I said aloud, “Now that I’m at _______, I’ll totally be the most fashionable chick in the office! Ha-ha!” jaws dropped and eyes widened and they all said, “Wait?!?! You got the job?!?!” I realized it was a slip of the tongue, maybe some visualizing and hopes sprinkled in and nothing more. Oops! But…It will be mine! Oh yes! It will be mine!

The truth is that the last few weeks have been extremely stressful and bad. This week has felt magical by comparison. In this moment, right now, everything seems possible and wonderful. I feel fearless and capable of anything. I feel so perfectly me that there is just nothing stopping me or holding me back…except that whole not having a job part. Ha-ha! Even though things seem kind of dire in this whole employment-finances department…I’m fucking HAPPY!!! It’s…nice! It’s certainly refreshing, anyhow. I’d been so depressed and stressed out for so long. Not to mention tired. Whew!

I’ve had some great surprises this week as well. My “Special Geek” gave me a phone on Monday which has greatly improved my life! My old one was so fritzy I’d get lost anytime I needed to rely on my GPS, it would crash and freeze all of the time. Now? Perfection! And as of last night…I have a boyfriend!!! I feel like a fucking teenager! *Blushes* He is like no one I’ve ever met and I just adore him! He makes me very happy! I mean, I knew I liked him waaaay too much after our second date, but when my friends all loved him, too? Oh yeah! It was a done deal. When that boy says my name my heart is all a-flutter! *Blushes* I just hope that I am the awesome girlfriend he’s always wanted. 🙂

And my road trip to Fatlandia (aka NoLose.org) will be amazeballs because my bff of over 22 years will be driving up with me and it will be just like old times! SO EXCITING!!! I know we will be blasting the good old tunes like back then.  We used to write in bathroom stalls, “There’s No Diva Like Me!” and scream our favorite songs at the top of our lungs! Ha-ha! So fabulous! How has time just flown by?!?! Oh man!

I’m writing this before I know what this day brings. No matter what I will be with people I love and whom I know love me back. After my interview I’m having lunch with my other bff of over 22 years. Then I’ll be spending the evening and night with my beloved Raven!!! Saturday I’ll be heading up to visit my friend Laura for some seriously needed girl bonding time. I just…WOW! I’m so grateful for all of it right now, ya know? HAPPY!!!

I know good things are on their way and they are already in my life, too. I know that despite the dark times, the light always finds a way to shine through. There’s no fighting it now and I want nothing more than for you all to feel as great as I do now. I’ll keep y’all updated and definitely share my continued joy, no matter what happens. 😉 Have faith in you and don’t let anyone else get or keep you down. You’re amazing and worth all of the love in the world!
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I would love to see a blog called “Perfectly Portly”…someone do this! 😉

Dance rehearsal was hard and good and a bit emotional. Our progress is fantastic when only a week ago we had just half a song choreographed. I  got that runner’s high thing again, it’s kind of awesome. I keep getting asked if I’m excited or nervous and I am, but it still somehow doesn’t feel real yet. Part of me also just wants it over with. Ha-ha!

If you’re local to San Francisco/Oakland area and are interested in seeing me perform for the first time in 17 years, or just want to see a fantastic body positive dance show (OMZ! It’s the best!) there are TWO chances: Saturday, May 25th at 8pm or Sunday, May 26th at 2 pm. Get your tickets in advance to save some time and money: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/378829

I paid for my NoLose registration…I cannot wait to go! Hoping and wishing and visualizing awesome job so that I can pay my credit card off and my hotel room. I may have to drive, but I’ve been itching for a road trip anyway. It’s in Portland, Oregon this year. PDX is like my favorite place not in California, so WOO!!!

Did y’all see that ReDress is back?!?! This is where I’ve gotten all of my Teggings!

A pic of me & Raven from the Fatty Affair Family Picnic a few weeks ago:

Gawd we are so aforable!!! Ha-ha! Both wearing Eshakti (current) and I’m not in love with vintage cocktail hats from the 50’s because of this little white one I’m wearing. Do you have any of these? Hit me up!!! I am dying for a black one! 🙂

Today is my last day at my current job. I have some interviews this week and I am feeling good and hopeful. I had a great weekend with wonderful people who made me feel special and cared for and I am so grateful to have them in my life. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I’m excited about it once again.

Rad Fatty Love to you ALL!

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