*Serious Trigger Warning on this one, folks. I cry a lot, talk about my struggles and feeling excluded and bullied.
Thank you for watching, listening and supporting. ♥

This week’s submission is by me, Sarah, this is my blog. Welcome!

Saturday was such a fantastic day! I felt like I’d won a gold medal or something, man. I was on top of the world! I had a fantastic job interview (though they later rejected my fat ass), got lots of stuff done, and got to walk my puggyman. I felt productive and good and excited about life! And the boyfriend and I were meeting some awesome friends for karaoke that night. Hooray!!!

I felt so fabulous that I did what any fierce fat femme would do: Get Dolled Up! Woo! And so I did! In a new dress, no less (from JCP?!) and even did a little something different with my hair and make up. Actually, this whole look is new for me! Don’t ya just love when everything sort of comes together like that? I do! I felt so good I half expected the paparazzi to start harassing me! Ha-ha!

So, here I am (if you click on the pics they get bigger), exercising my right to bare arms and be fabulous! Oh and that last pic is the bouquet bf sent me, since some peeps had asked.  And now it’s all opening up and blooming! Might have to take it with me to PDX! 😉

I always ask TTT submissions to include their own fatty philosophy. I guess mine changes as time goes by. I would typically say something along the likes of be you, stay true to you, listen to your gorgeous gut and give zero fucks about the rest. Right now I’m feeling a bit more like, do what feels right, stop worrying and just keep going. How’s that?! 😉

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I am always looking for submissions from anyone who wants to exercise their right to Bare Arms for future Tank Top Tuesday posts! Email your pics here: notblueatall@notblueatall.com, please include the name you’d like in the post, a blog or etsy shop you wanna plug, your thoughts on bare arms or other fatty philosophies. It does not have to be in a tank top, so long as your arms are bare. Have fun with it! And thank you to all who have submitted and continue to do so. These posts make my week! They are so fun and empowering, too! So keep ‘em comin’ and keep baring those arms!

I had a couple of very interesting phone interviews today, for the same company. It’s a fitness and physical therapy business, which of course gave me pause. But you see it’s actually a great fit for my skill set and I’m always up for a challenge! I applied for the position (receptionist/administrative) yesterday and got a call this morning. First I spoke with the hiring coordinator who seemed to adore me before we even spoke! Whoa! That’s new…and awesome! She saw my pic on my LinkedIn profile and said several times that she loved my resume. Cool!

She explained the role and a bit about the company and then asked if I had any questions. I said, “I have a ton of questions! Ha-ha!” She seemed very excited about this. So I started with, “So, I’m the proud owner of a fat body…” and explained my own beliefs and philosophies on the subject of health and wellness and my own body. Then I explained that I needed to make sure I wasn’t putting myself in a toxic environment. I told her about the interview I did with the SF Chronicle regarding the AMA decision, my activism work and my dancing.

She was so cool about all of it and agreed with me wholeheartedly on everything. The only thing I didn’t care for, and I told her it was minor, was her use of the word “overweight” and she said, “Sorry, I only meant what isn’t a comfortable weight for my own body. I wouldn’t refer to someone else that way.” Wow! Color me impressed! I explained that being in an environment where diet talk or disparaging remarks about bodies would be toxic for me. She agreed and said that she felt the same and had never experienced that with the company I was applying for.

She was so excited and keen on having me speak with the owner of the company and so she set that up right away, like within an hour! When I spoke with the owner, he also seemed excited to talk to me. He said he could feel my passion for body positivity and that he felt it was a good fit. He said he could tell I was a compassionate person and appreciated my experience as a small business owner, too. We talked about the body issue stuff and he agreed with my beliefs as well. When I told him what I told his hiring coordinator, “I realize that being at the reception desk means that I will be the first face a customer sees when encountering your company and I wouldn’t want there to be an issue with that on either side.” He said of course not, but then said something along the lines of, “But obviously I wouldn’t want someone 300 lbs at the reception desk, either. Oh…did I just say that?”

I didn’t hesitate! I responded, “I explained that I am not ashamed of my fat body, or the word fat. My real age, height and weight recently appeared in the SF Chronicle. I weigh exactly 325 lbs and I am not ashamed of that. 300 lbs looks very different on different people and I would hope that you’d still want to meet me in person for an interview, regardless of my weight. Certainly my personality is a great fit for what you’re looking for.” He said, “Yes of course! Let’s set up an in person interview right away. I cannot wait to meet you!” Whoa!

This felt like some Twilight Zone shit, but I loved it! Regardless of whether I get the job or not (though, seriously, it sounds kind of awesome and is full time, fingers crossed), I am very proud of myself for being so open and up front about my body politics and activism. I cannot believe I said, “So, I’m the proud owner of a fat body…” right off the bat like that. But I am so glad that I did! It opened up a meaningful dialogue and hopefully showed them that I hold my own and won’t be pushed around. I loved that weight loss was not mentioned once (not even on their web site) and when I mentioned it they understood where I was coming from and agreed that feeling well is the priority.

I am not usually so out there with my fat stuffs, but I have begun to be more and more lately. I mean, I’m fat! Why try to hide that, right? I mean, yeah, phone interviews aren’t about that, but due to this specific type of business I wanted to be clear up front about my position and needed to know that I would be accepted/supported before wasting anyone’s time on an in person interview.  I feel really good about this and hope that my confidence and experience shines through at 8 am on Sunday for that interview! Ha-ha!

Thanks so much for reading!
Rad Fatty Love to you ALL!
<3
S

Pretty much…

I’d responded to an ad on Craigslist for a singer in a goth band, something along the lines of Evanescence. The drummer responded to my inquiry and explained a bit about the band and it’s style. I responded with a bit about me including that I often sing Evanescence’s “Sober” at karaoke to rave reviews. I also included a link to my blog and pictures, my recent return to performing and my experience in the music industry back in the day (I did not ask about their image or anything along those lines).
This was their response:

“Hi Sarah!!!
That’s cool that you’re into music and have had experience in that field.  As far as image, we are looking for a slender model-like classically trained/opera singer.  Hmmmm…. Would you be interested in managing/booking/promoting?
Joey”

“Hi Joey,
No, I’ve done the whole promoting/booking stuff before. I’m looking to broaden my horizons and get out of my comfort zone.
Good luck to you.
Sarah”

Being in a band is on my “bucket list” and I will make this happen. No, goth wasn’t my first choice in a band or style, but I thought what the hay, it might be fun. Being turned down outright without allowing for an audition based entirely on my size/looks? Um…way to go bigots! Isn’t it funny how those who would be considered outsiders by the mainstream go along with the mainstream opinion on such stuff. Way to be…NOT!

So, my dream of a bad ass, fat ass, kick ass punk-pop-rock band will continue to be a dream…for now! One day it will come together and be so much fun that I won’t even remember this silly moment in time at all. It’s disappointing, sure, but not devastating. In fact for some reason I find it kind of hilarious. Why did I think I should be in a goth band anyway?! Ha-ha!

If you live in the SF bay area and play an instrument and wanna rock…HIT ME UP! 😉

It has been surprising and wonderful for me to get to know fellow size acceptance activists. I have been educated, enlightened, lifted and delighted. I have seen and experienced things I wouldn’t trade for the world. Yet I am often shocked to hear the following phrase from the lips of quite a few who claim to love and accept themselves,

“I don’t want to be skinny. I just…”

…want to be healthy
…want to be a size 18
…want to be less than this *MakesSweepingGestureToTheirBody*
…want to feel beautiful
…want to stop struggling all of the time
…want to be comfortable
…want to be happy

What?! This is not acceptance. I usually feel the need to bite my tongue in such moments, but it depends on the person and my relationship with them. Sometimes I will call bullshit on the whole thing and tell them exactly what I think on the subject. It’s hard though. Who am I to tell someone that how they feel about their body is wrong? Well, I have been there and know what it’s like to live on the other side of that way of thinking. Also, I guess I just hate to see incredible and amazing people hold themselves back.

We could be doing so much more in our lives by simply letting go of this way of thinking. To believe that if you change your body that your life will magically be what you’ve always wanted it to be? Um…NO! I love me some fairy tales and magic and fantasy, but that’s not reality. I chose to live the life I do. I choose to love it and my body everyday. It is a conscious decision. It is a necessary one, too. It is one that allows me and all 325 lbs of my awesomesauce to go about this world in a way that I generally like and appreciate.

I also believe that you’re not only holding yourself back by hating your body, but you’re also allowing others to drag you down, too. You’re allowing them to influence and judge you. Fuck that! Especially when this comes from people who knows the facts, the science and the truth of living in a fat body. I know it’s hard. I know people are ignorant and mean. It doesn’t mean that we should relent or quit. The truth is the truth. You can’t change it. You can certainly choose to ignore it, but it’s still the truth. *Sigh*

I know that when I stopped wanting to change my body that my life improved greatly. When I stopped hating myself and my body I had more energy to focus on the things I love and enjoy. Go figure that soon I was making better choices for myself in my daily life. I’m not just talking about food and movement, here. I’m talking about the people in my life, the ways in which I chose to give attention or not, just everything, ya know?

It is a journey, not a destination. I still have bad days. I have days where there’s not an ounce of fight in me. But there is always love, even if it’s just a tiny bit. I will always find something in myself to love and appreciate. And I will always have it in me to keep going. It’s not easy, but I wouldn’t know easy if it slapped me across the face and introduced itself to me. Ha-ha! I just know that life is better for me this way. I get up in the morning with a sense of ownership I didn’t have before. That makes such a difference!

When you want to be something else, to change your body, you are dissociating and disconnecting from your body. You live in your body. It is your home. If you hate your home you’re never happy or comfortable. I lived this way for a long time both in the physical and mental sense of “home” and walking away from the abuse and choosing to love the body that survived it all was nothing short of the best thing I ever did! Had I not done that I never would have opened my own cafe or started Fatty Affair or any of the cool stuff I’ve done (and yes I often need to be reminded of what I’m capable of, it’s a journey, remember).

I often talk about my wonderful friends, but let me tell you, I wouldn’t have them if I still hated myself. Sometimes faking it to make it works. Sometimes just being as neutral as possible works. But actively harming, hurting, or talking negatively about yourself has repercussions.  Just as what you put into your body, what you expose it to (your own words/thoughts, too) has an effect!

And in this we always have a choice! How we treat ourselves and talk to ourselves is a choice. I hope that one day this type of thing will no longer be an issue. I think it’s possible. Awareness is the first step in the right direction. Leading my example is the next step. I’m doing my best, for me. I hope that you can and will, too.

<3
S