I don’t care what size you are, unless you’ve always been training for the olympics, someone, somewhere has told you or implied that you simply aren’t active enough and are thus doomed to die sooner than…? Anyone? Just athletes? Hmm…Let’s talk about this!

For active is every movement I make throughout the day. To many, active is is only going to the gym or an aerobics class. To others, they haven’t a clue what being active actually is, and I’m beginning to wonder if we’re all a bit confused on ths subject. While I think that being active is a personal thing and that we should seek out only what feels good for our bodies to do and move in, a lot of people in many parts of this world of brainwashours simply think that unless you have some sort of serious regimine, that you’re not healthy. Add in the fat factor and in their eyes, even becoming a gym rat will never be enough.

We’ve even heard it from those we love and trust the most. It can feel like the ultimate betrayal. Even from those who know better, the words somehow still come and you still  feel worthless having heard them. I have been there. My very own husband once said to me that he worries about my health and how my fat might affect me in the long run. What?! Yeah, and this was well after I got into FA and started reading up about it. I think reading “Health At Every Size” helped me and him, but me more since I still get shit like this from people.

The worst is when a partner says something like they cannot be attracted to someone who doesn’t care about their health (by not being active in their eyes). It’s so wrong on so many levels. For one, they are already in a relationship with and having sex with you…suddenly the topic of fitness or activity comes up and they think they can get all high and fucking mighty by shaming you this way? If they were telling the truth and this was how they felt? Why the hell are you with them and they with you? Think on that. Why wait until this topic to come out with such a stupid (as in ill-informed) statement? Shouldn’t they have mentioned this on one of your first three dates or something? I think it makes them look like an ass, plain and simple. But it happens. It’s total bullshit and if it were said to me in this way, well, I consider myself a pacifist, but someone would be walkin’ funny for awhile. Thanks.

We live in a society that has been brainwashed. This is my opinion alone. I do think that we’ve all been marketed to for so much of our lives that at some point you stop thinking on your own and simply adopt the socially acceptable thoughts and judgments of the day. And some of us stop to think and question and look beyond just what’s being shoved down our collective throats. Some of us steer away from mainstream media and try to find the truth or the man behind the curtain (Wizard of Oz reference). And when you do? When you do see behind the proverbial curtain and find that the power behind every message we’ve ever been sold (or told) is money and nothing but money money money? You have to stop and wonder if what you like, what you believe, what you know in your heart is truly your own or were you marketed to believe it? Is purple really my favorite color or is it simply this season’s trend? How can you really know?

I don’t have the answer, but I do believe that it is up to each of us individually to decide what feels best, what matters most and what we see as our true and authentic selves! I have reached that point in my life where the false niceties and put-on charms are worthless and truly meaningless. I have little patience for false hopes and bullshitters! I pride myself on my honesty and willingness to seek out the truth, fight for it even. I know what matters most to me. And what matters least is money.

I had a bit of a revelation yesterday. I was thinking about my relationship with my husband (13 years, woo) and how I am so bad at asking for what I want of or from him. I was really, seriously thinking about this. How could this be? Why do I still, after all of this time, have the almost inability to straight up ask him for something or to do something? He will often point out that I will say things like, “Is that window open?” or “Do you think it’d be better if…?” rather than simply asking him to close the window. And I could not figure this out. I knew it bothered him, I tried hard not to do it, but I still fucking do it! And then the revelation came: Growing up poor means that everything you ask for gets shut down. Everything I’d ever wanted, no matter how small or simple, got shut down usually before it even left my lips. Living with that constant rejection tangled up in an endless feeling of WANT left me unable to simply ask for things. Why I refuse help when offered (working on this, too) and why I often talk myself out of possibly fantastic opportunities.

My point is that even when we think we know something, we don’t! When someone shames us for something? They may not even know why or believe what they said themselves. These epiphany like moments are so few and far between, but damn so I/we learn so much from them! I think if we stay more open to what our gut tells us (or intuition, whatever you call it), we may just find our truer selves in there and finally be able to overcome or tune out those messages and marketers once and for all.

What do you think?

(Trigger Warning for mention of disordered eating)

Substituting Pudding For Custard while at home may seem a perfectly acceptable thing to do, but if you call something on a menu in a restaurant “Custard” and it’s really vanilla pudding? Well, it’ll rain all over my parade! This is how I started my morning: Biting into a donut hole filled with “Custard” (they call them custard holes on their menu and a friend insisted they were too good to pass up) only to get a small mouthful of cheap vanilla pudding. NOT THE SAME!!! I love custard like I love espresso (as in A LOT!) and when you want one of those must have things you love, you can’t substitute! You gotta go for the good stuff, man!

One of the things I’ve learned from my own intuitive eating journey is that when I am craving something, there is usually a reason. Not just a “ooh that looks tasty” kind of craving. More of a physiological one. For instance, once a month I crave roast beef deli style sandwiches. Nothing will be a worthy substitute. I can try all manner of turkey or other sandwiches, but they will never be the thinly sliced loveliness of that roast beef sammie in my mind. I must have what I want or I will feel unsatisfied and try as I might, nothing else will do. Same thing for a nice and simple piece of good chocolate! Oh sure, you can give me a bite of your prized brownies, but it won’t fulfill that inner need for something smooth and rich and creamy. And there’s a reason I want those two things so consistently: I’m in need of iron and protein and whatever else is in that roast beef and chocolate is a mood lifter and when else do I need that most?!

This is something I have had to learn the hard way. Yes, I did read about it in Linda Bacon’s fabulous book, “Health At Every Size”, but you know that wasn’t enough for this stubborn gal. Nope! I had to see for myself. And sure enough, nothing would satiate the craving until I had what it was I was craving. And it all harks back to what we all must figure out at some point: when you knowingly try to substitute yourself into something “healthier” than what you originally crave, it just won’t cut it! In fact many studies have shown that in the end you’ll find other ways to get what you want (weather that is through salt and fats or other such things or the real deal).

I witnessed this in my pre-FA days in the corporate world when I found myself surrounded by hard-nosed dieters for the first time. There was not a single soul in a very large corporate building who wasn’t on a diet…except me! I was also, easily, the fattest in the whole building, too (though I don’t think I knew it at the time). All anyone would talk about was points and carbs and how little they ate and “Oh you ate all of that? I only ate this” sort of garbage EVERYWHERE!!! And the food y’all! I worked in a training facility, so we had catering almost every day! There was always leftovers! And so the negotiations would begin!

There it is, a platter of food, just waiting for someone, anyone, to dig in! Tiny portions on paper plates, plastic cutlery clinking about, donuts, bagels and muffins halved and then quartered, diet colas cracking open, napkins daintily lain out previously now wadded in masses with pre-chewed bites of food…evidence of many people and disordered eating. I had never witnessed such rituals before. I was a bit shocked at first but so wanted to fit in that I found myself adopting some of these behaviors, too.

It all came to a head one day when my husband and I stopped off at a gas station on a weekend road trip and I came back to the car with a nice big refreshing and cold DIET PEPSI?! The look of horror on my husband’s face and his immediate question, “Why? You don’t even like diet Pepsi!” and suddenly I had no answer for him. Suddenly I realized all at once that I’d become the very people I was trying so hard to fit in with. All of those high heeled shoes I’d recently purchased (yet not a single pair comfortable enough to wear). All of the stupid new lip glosses I “had to try.”

It all suddenly made sense. This is bullshit and this isn’t me! Of course I don’t like diet cola! I never have! But when something is all around you and often literally in abundance (the diet Pepsi was usually free) you sort of just fall into it without even noticing. I drank that Diet Pepsi that day with my husband concerned for my well-being (little did we know about the aspartame!), and pondered the recent past in my new corporate career. I made some decisions in my mind that day and because of that I think I was more open to the concept of Fat Acceptance when I did finally read about it in BUST magazine later that same year.

When my friend Freddy joined our department, he and I became partners in crime and food! We would run to Target on our lunch hour and stock up on 100 calorie packs of things like Hostess Cupcakes! Ha-ha! We’d laugh and laugh and mock-negotiate with one another, “Would you like 50 calories of a vanilla cupcake?” “Oh! Well, sure, if you’ll take 50 calories of my chocolate ones? I can’t be expected to eat this entire thing on my own!” it was in good fun, but I can see now (hindsight and all) that he probably did have some disordered eating going on. Part of it though was that we were sick and tired of trying to fit in. He and I were the outsiders (the gay guy and the fat girl, go figure). While we were both well liked, we just never fit in. That’s okay, we had too much fun to notice after that.

And now that I own and operate my own cafe? Well, I see it every single day! One day when I medical doctor came in for one of my panini asked if I had diet cola and I said no and explained why (my go-to line is “I prefer to serve my customers with foods that won’t give them brain tumors”) he laughed and said, “Oh, I know. I’m a doctor!” and he left and came back with a diet Coke  AND a big ice cream sundae in hand. When I called him on the under indulgence with the coke and over compensation of the sundae, he laughed again. He got it! He knew! But he didn’t care! I have to admit that I found this a bit disarming and cute. And it’s true, no Boston cream pie flavored yogurt will ever be enough of a substitute for a nice slice of the real thing! It is more than just calories and fat and all of that. It’s texture and colors and aroma and flavors, too!

So please do not deprive yourself or try to fool yourself. In the end, you’ll only want the real thing more! And you’re worth the real thing, every time!

Thanks,
S

I was fortunate enough to chat with Amanda of Fat Waitress fame as well as Love Your Body Detroit!
She is definitely someone to keep your eyes on, so passionate and sweet! So many ideas and seemingly boundless creativity!
We talk about being fat while working in food service, activism, Detroit and so much more!

You may listen to the podcast here on the page (player is below) or on iTunes here (or search podcasts for: NotBlueAtAll)
(please subscribe if you are able).

Thanks,

S

*Sorry for the low sound quality on these. It is due to having to compress the file. My server only allows for 7mb of audio and most of these podcasts are around 25-40 mb. If you have any tips, suggestions, etc, do let me know. I use Audacity to edit and a compression program for the final cut and upload. Seems to have gotten worse since I paid for the software versus sampling it. Thanks for sticking it out. Working on improvements, always!

Podcast Episode 8

What are you doing for International No Diet Day? It’s a Friday, May 6th…I will be in San Francisco with Marilyn Wann, figuratively pissing on Dr. Xavier Pi-Sunyer‘s anti-obesity cheerios! Woo! My first big fat public acitivism! Dr. Pi-Sunyer will be giving a lecture about the state of “obesity” for the next decade at the Obesity Treatment and Prevention conference. The conference will be taking place at the Hyatt on the Embarcadero. His talk begins at 4pm and we just wanna let our voices be heard. It will be a peaceful demonstration. If you can come, please do! (It’s near BART.)

And just a few days before that happens, Michelle Obama will have unveiled a new Beyoncé track dedicated to her “Let’s Move” campaign, with children all over performing a “flash workout.”

*headdesk*

With all of these people and their endless “think of the children” yammering, I actually am thinking of said children and how awful it would feel to be a fat kid in today’s classrooms with even our first lady trying to marginalize you. It’s bad enough with all of the media and marketing and pretty much the entire world telling fats the world over how terrible they are. And it’s complete and utter bullshit!

As a fat activist (and if you’re fat in public, well, you’re one, too!), I feel the absolute need to speak up and out and be heard. If you can’t make it to San Francisco, see if there are any other events going on for International No Diet Day or consider organizing your own demonstration! The more people we reach with out positivity and truths, the better! Woo!

My last podcast was with the ever incredible and amazing Psycho Sue! I had no idea at the time how much of an impact that little convo of ours would have on each other and even our readers.

I was ever so delighted to find the song she mentioned writing recently about being rejected for her size in the music industry (BULLSHIT!!!) on her blog. I clicked play and got chills instantly. Though, I must admit, by the end of the song I was bawling my face off. Good stuff, you guys! You don’t even know. Get over there and watch/listen and prepare for awesomeness and inspiration!

And then again to my delight and amazement (I am beginning to believe that this is all she does, amaze me), she started a sewing tutorial video series! Woot! A Total bad ass! I love ya, Sue! Keep doing what you’re doing, because you’re doing it just right! <3

I wish we were neighbors! Oh the shenanigans we would get into?! Ha-ha! And our little puggies would be BFFs and we’d live happily sewing after…Ha-ha! Seriously, I am so glad to have her, and you all here reading, in my life! Thank you!