We all have someone in our lives that maybe we’ve never mentioned fat liberation/acceptance to or perhaps they didn’t quite understand what that is or didn’t take it seriously..in any case, there may come a time when the Fat Conversation must take place. Or maybe it comes from out of the blue, the unbearable urge to have it! Yeah, that’s where I’m at. Here I am, big ole fat activist and all, when suddenly my mother in law (MIL) flies into town all of a sudden (had 5 days notice?!) and right off the bat is some negative and weighty comment (no pun intended) about fat. *HeadDesk*

That happened last  night and I think I was somehow awestruck. I didn’t have a single word to say; it wasn’t directed at me anyway. And I let it sort of hang in the air awhile before even truly pondering it. And now we’ve hung out the entire day together and all I’ve managed to say after many body disparagement from her (about herself, her son, her daughter-in-law and her granddaughter…hmm, somehow no comment about moi?) was one line, “You know it’s Be Body Positive Day?” *NervousLaugh*

Mega-fail! What is wrong with me? Why didn’t/couldn’t I say anything? I get along with my MIL perfectly, like good friends. I’ve already have plenty of alone time to get this out of the way, so to speak, yet somehow I just don’t know how to start the, “you know fat isn’t bad or unhealthy” convo. How DO you start that conversation? She’s been inundated (and thoroughly invested) in the “science” and “wisdom” and all the diet industry has had to offer (or force feed) her entire life! How do you even begin to broach that topic? She knows how bad aspartame is (my husband is near religious on it’s evils and has explain them to her), but she still drinks the shit and says, “I know, I know!”

It kills me most when she says these things about her granddaughter/my neice. Even buying her a beverage and then going on and on about it’s 34 grams of sugar! The horror!!! Yet she has zero problem ordering her white bread and other such “bad” foods. I just don’t get it. But of course, I took the red pill…didn’t I?!

It is so hard. It’s like speaking another language. It’s like having this secret (secret of awesomeness!) that may make you feel like this other person will think you’re a freak for sharing. But shit, man, I don’t wanna keep this goodness to myself, I do want everyone to know about it. I have rarely ever had a difficult time talking about fat, so why is it so hard now?

I think part of the trouble for me is that she will be here for the next two weeks, all day everday. If something goes awry, we’re all kind of stuck together, right?! I don’t wanna offend or cause any trouble/drama, BUT!~!!!

I would love your advice/suggestions. How do I begin the conversation? What can I say to make it simple to understand? I want to share positive body messages with my niece, too. But when MIL remarked that her Wii character had a “big butt!!!” and niece responded, “WHAT?!” in shock and disgust? I feel like a damned alien in my own home! I love her dearly. She is a very good/kind person, would give you the shirt off her back in a blizzard, BUT?!~?!!

Thank you all in advance for your input on this. I cannot tell you how you’ve all impacted me in so many positive ways! If you read and/or comment on this blog, you are amazing and fabulous!!! <3

How will you celebrate Be Body Positive Day? It’s this Sunday and I have to tell ya, I have no idea…yet! I would love your ideas and suggestions. The thing is, this weekend I have so much going on it’s a little startling. Ha! I know, I complain about not having a social life and then **WHAM** here’s all of your social life in one action packed weekend! (Prepare for random/sporadic/ranty post below.)

But seriously, my mother in law flies into town tonight and I’m so nervous/excited to see her. We haven’t seen her in two years and we both miss her dearly. Only thing is that I’m going out dancing tonight with a whole crew of fabulous fatties and I’m super-mega stoked about that, too! I do hope my knees are okay though, I’ll definitely have to take it easy on the old gals. Ha! I just called my fucking knees “old gals!” What in the what? I know, I sound silly…I FEEL silly right now! It’s Friday! Woo Hoo! And I just defrosted a giant freezer with my two bad ass hands (and a mallet and scraper)! Nothing like a little demo work to start your morning!

I feel strong today, I feel powerful. That’s body positive, right?! By Sunday I may just be toast or toasty dust or something. Not drinking tonight (I’m driving), but I do have work in the morning, too. Tomorrow night? Who knows?! I mean, I have been invited to like four different things, but with my MIL in town, I’m not sure what we’ll end up doing. Sunday night, too! Ack! So many things, so little money, not enough time! Hello? Teletransportation please?!?!?!?!?! Gawd, wouldn’t that make life so much easier? Would mine, I’ll tell you that much.

So, I have had some progress on that great news I was waiting on. I’m still technically waiting for things to finalize, if you will, but I won’t know until Monday anyway, so I’m trying not to even think about it. But it all seems to be on the level and the up and up! Thank you all for your good ju-ju, mojo, sparkles, hugs, happy thoughts and general good universal vibes sent my way, if you could just keep ’em coming a bit longer I will let you all know as soon as I do! <3

So, Be Body Positive Day! Sunday. Hmm…perhaps I’ll do myself up nice and make a day of laughing and smiling! That sounds fabulous! No doubt my MIL would have no problem with that. I have some new lip sticks and glosses to play with (Big Lots y’all! It’s this amazing discount store, got $10 lipstick for $1.50!)…who knows?! I do have to find lots of things to do for cheap or free over the next two weeks. Hopefully our niece will come down to visit with us, too. Any locals have some suggestions, please send them my way: notblueatall@notblueatall.com

How will you celebrate Be Body Positive Day?

FattiBoomBallatti here:

So there must be a special place in hell for the plus sized bridal dress industry, or perhaps the wedding dress industry in its entire. I mean it is such a freaking racket. To back up here for a little bit and explain my strong sentiment I decided to get married this September, back in May. The reason why I did this was that I wanted to “get er done” rather than obsess and get all OCD on it should I wait for next spring. So I started off on my adventure wanting: champagne colored tea length, A-lined dress. Did I eventually find it? Not….quite.

So my H2B goes online for about an hour, orders a full linen suit online made to his order, it comes about 3 week later and looks fabulous on him… no alterations needed. Oh, and it cost him under $150. Contrast that with the epic journey into wedding dresses that I have had. First I learned that many of the couture gowns need to be ordered 6 months in advance, and THAT is only for them to make it in a STANDARD SIZE.  Why does it take 4-6 months if you are making them in standard sizes??? Oh, that’s right so you can charge holy hell for them….

From there you would then have to alter it to your specific measurements. Now… why the HELL can’t I get a wedding dress as easily as my beaux got his suit? I’ll tell you why my little darlings, snuggle in close…. Because the bridal industry exists on continuous shots of body insecurity that it feeds on like a zombie feeds on brains.

So I quickly realized that I would have to buy “off rack”. As I do not have time for a couture piece nor do I have time to have something made to order in time. So what did that mean for a girl like me? It meant David’s Bridal. And that was after another consignment wedding shop that had exactly 2 dresses in my heifer size… exactly two and most places stop making them after 14 which if you know anything about wedding dresses they are sized two down, so women bigger than a 10 or smallish 12 can go stuff themselves I guess….. I wear a street 16 and I am apple shaped and that translated into a size 20 at that store….

So I made my appointment at David’s Bridal and arrived on a Friday morning the same time 3 other women came con entourage to try on dresses. They were all about 5-8 years younger than me, thinner than me and unlike me, who came alone, had a gaggle of ladies to pass judgment/praise. Even though I walked in at the same time and had my appointment I was seen last and while the rest of them got the nice full mirrored dressing rooms in the middle of the store on the lovely dais for longish trains I was relegated to the “large and roomy” dressing room in the back and next to the bathrooms with only one mirror partially obstructed to try things on. Talk about feeling like the ugly redheaded stepchild here like they didn’t want shoppers to walk by and see me in the store.

Now of course it would seem every dress I wanted they did not have in my size and in the end I bought a dress I kinda liked in a size too big but I was not thinking straight. I was panicked about finding a dress and confused by the treatment I receieved so I found one and got out. It was a longish tea length, missing the sash which they never gave me and is not in champagne.

So it took me a while to mull over my treatment. Was it because I am in my 30s? Was it because I am fat? For so many reasons or maybe the culmination of them all I felt marginalized, unimportant, and as a first time bride I did not feel at all like the special feeling they say all Brides do when getting their gown. I did the one thing I told myself I would never do again… settle on something because it fit and not because I really liked it.

So I kept looking for dresses and found some I liked online. One was a vintage swing dress with champagne lace overlay and champagne flowers I was like, yeah that’ll do just fine! so I ordered it which came in almost at my exact measurements. Now here’s the thing… I wear a size 16, depending on how the waist is since I am a total Apple… I am most likely considered inbetweenie status…. And the dress that I got was a bit tight in the waist but it was the largest size they carried…. Was sized as a “XXXL” on the tag….. really? Wtf? An XXXL? SRSLY?!?!?

I have something to say to clothiers who go S,M,L, XL, XXL, XXXL and so on…. There is something incredibly WRONG with utilizing this standard of measurement as if to say, “If you are beyond a large… well really we don’t have any words in English to suit your fat ass…. You’re just fucking…extra”.

How the hell is a woman not to feel marginalized, unseen, invisible if   (and this is key)   there is no language in use to describe her? We are all just extras… with no appellation of our own. Too much, overdone, above, beyond the ability to script new words for.

If I had it my way I would pass a law requiring women’s clothing to go by inches just like men’s clothes do, or hey why not have fun with it? Make the sizes colors or flowers or adverbs… come on, anything but shitty, hateful, fat shaming “XXXL”.

So anyways I kept the dress and may end up wearing it for the wedding but this whole wedding dress fiasco has really been just that. A fiasco. At a time when a woman should feel beautiful, special, loved, pampered the whole bridal wedding dress industry instills the opposite so they can fill their greedy little coffers.

So, on my wedding day I will feel beautiful, special, loved and pampered… but it won’t be because of the dress.

This morning while reading a quick page of my latest issue of Entertainment Weekly, I caught a fantastic quote from Rad Fatty Guillermo Del Toro. You see, this issue was a big ole recap of last weekend’s Comic Con from San Diego. Guillermo Del Toro was part of the Visionaries Panel along with Jon Favreau. Del Toro was there to promote his upcoming monster movie, “Pacific Rim” (ooh! I cannot wait for that!), while on the visionaries panel he shared a “sentiment close to many a fan’s heart” when he said, “I’m a weird, strange, fat motherfucker, and I plan to stay that way.” And that my lovelies, is the best quote evar! I love it! I love that he doesn’t poke fun or apologize for his size. I love his films and respect him to no end (and he’s kind of hawt!). I just had to share that, too cool!

(Trigger Warning for food issues/demonizing)

I witnessed an exchange yesterday that made me cringe. The son has a severe gluten allergy and my cafe makes gluten-free Belgian waffles. He ate his entire waffle, but his sister barely touched hers. Mom then began to eat the waffle after eating her own panini, but grew too full. She then insisted out loud that it was just too good to waste! And tried to get her son to eat it:

Mom to son: Please, take this last bite of waffle! I didn’t touch it!
Son: No!
Mom: You’re going to make me eat all of these extra calories?!
Son: What? (looks very confused)
Mom: C’mon! Just eat one bite!
Son: No!
Mom to me: He is a germaphobe, very OCD if you know what I mean. Ugh! I can’t believe he won’t eat it! It’s so good! *chews*

Prior to this exchange she was asking me about my paninis and which was “the least fattening?” To which I replied (with a smile), “Are you asking my opinion, because I’m not sure you would want it.” She laughed, so did I, but insisted on which had the least fat and calories and I refused to answer. She went with the vegetarian one (grilled eggplant with sun dried tomato spread, grilled onions and mozzarella) and insisted it was the most delicious thing ever!

My next customer wanted to know similar things, “What kind of bread do you use? Is it thick? I am trying to cut my carb intake…*mutters* and calories (with a sad face).” I reply, “But you need carbs and calories for your brain to function, for your body to move and work and play! Don’t you hate that we’re told that all of this stuff is bad and they make us feel awful for it?” She nods yes and looks slightly surprised by my response. Then I say, “Sorry, I don’t mean to preach, but I read a lot about nutrition and I get so upset that so much of what we’re told about food and nutrition and health are lies. It’s all marketing, you know? It is too bad.” She agrees and orders what she wants and then admits that the restaurants that show the calorie counts on foods really affects her. She says she has a hard time making a decision when faced with these figures. And I agree that it doesn’t really help. Then I explain that our body craves certain foods because it wants those nutrients. Substitutes don’t give those nutrients and often lead to more severe cravings. To this she agrees wholeheartedly and smiles.

I have these exchanges almost everyday. I don’t always get so wordy or mouthy about it, but I am tired of just smiling and nodding and letting these people demonize my food and my fat! Half the time it’s the adults that are the pickiest of eaters, kids just was food! No guilt or emotional attachments…just food/fuel! And food allergies are a serious concern! I cannot stand it when people make light of someone’s allergies or illnesses. Ugh!

I’m sick of people just repeating the exact same lies that are in ad campaigns! I want people to question this shit! To research it and to decide what is right for themselves. But they don’t know TO do that. They just take things on face value. “Oh! Whole grain means healthy!” Um, not exactly. *sigh* It’s an uphill battle. I don’t have $65 Billion to get the truth out there. The diet corporations do. And this is why Fat Liberation seems so daunting to many.

This is where I think we can make an impact though: with our moolah! None of us is rolling in money these days, but there are small things we can do to make small changes in the world and that begins with how you spend your money. Do you buy something that is suddenly advertising in a magazine or on a tv station that is fat hating? Call or email or tweet or facebook them to let them know you cannot support them if they support the fat hate! It works! So few people actually do speak up and contact these companies that when they do get more than say three people calling, they are surprised and want to please their customers (usually). Look into parent companies and see if you can contact them, too! In fact, get to know your congressperson and contact them regularly about discrimination based on height & weight! Many haven’t even heard of this stuff and will be interested and will want to listen to you!

You don’t have to get all shouty or overly political about it (even though it totally is), you can simply tell them that you refuse to support their products and company because where they are advertising (specify) supports the oppression of people based on their looks (weight/height/etc). Yes, you will most likely get a canned response, but you’d be surprised at how few people/complaints it takes before someone takes action! I saw this in the town where my cafe is. People were so annoyed at dealing with the strict 1 hour parking, but few actually complained to the city. I complained, a few of my customers complained, but not enough people did at first. Then I just got angry because they were straight up lying about how many tickets they were giving out (they claimed one a day when I watch them give out a minimum of five!) and started telling anyone who complained to contact the city. It took awhile, but it’s now been changed to two hours. I thought I was dreaming the day I saw the guys changing out the old signs to the new ones! Ha-ha! But they specifically said that enough people complained! Simple as that!

People don’t like to complain to the city/county/state/country. They like to complain to their friends/spouses/neighbors/etc. It’s like a past time for some people. When you suggest they take it up with someone who can actually do something about the issue? “Oh, they won’t listen!” is all I hear. And that is bullshit! If you don’t try how will you or they ever know?! They need to know, dammit! Business need this feedback, they need to hear from their customers or they will ASSUME they are doing the right thing every damned time! I don’t want anyone assuming what I want. I prefer to make my own choices and my own voice heard, thanks.

Okay, so I’m ranty this week, but that’s okay! It’s what I do. I’m tired of just complaining to like-minded individuals (and wonderful as y’all are), I feel compelled to start actually speaking up to these corporations and letting them know what I think. I may be naive in some of my thinking, do let me know, but it’s just too frustrating to be silent.

What products are advertising in fat hating media? I’d love to put together a list and post it. Thanks for reading! Happy Friday (for those who have weekends)! I hope you are all well and in good spirits! <3