It seems summer has finally decided to stick around awhile in our area and great timing, too! My MIL (mother in law) and niece are in town and she (niece) is obsessed with swimming! We have gone swimming all but one day over the last 8 (I sat out a day)! It is incredibly fun, great exercise, fun playtime and generally relaxing. This is movement I enjoy completely. I feel more mindful of my body, more connected. I love to float around for about 5-10 minutes before we get out of the pool. I love to float, period!

Saturday when the subject of going swimming inevitably came up, I was hesitant because it sounded like a ton of people were down there. So my MIL and Niece went down awhile before us and quickly came  back up to tell us that the pool was empty. Woo hoo! So we got ready after a few quick Mario Kart races (we’re trying to unlock everything, it’s a fantastic if not highly addictive game) and by the time we got down to the pool it really was full of people! People of all colors and ages and shapes…and that was pretty dang cool, y’all!

The best part of it though, was when I decided to just jump into the pool. I stepped up to the edge, looked around, readied my fingers (to dive) and just dove for it! I decided that I would leave any weird self conscious feelings on the edge of the pool and just enjoy myself. And I did just that! I mean, it sounds mega-simple, and maybe it is, but I visualized sort of a see-through slippery skin that I could peel off and leave by the edge of the pool. Does that sound weird? Ha-ha!

I had a blast! Though there were many very little ones running around the edges of the pool seemingly unsupervised (gave me terrible anxiety for awhile) we did, in the end, have the pool to ourselves. Which is how it’s been for us all week. It’s a glamorous feeling to have an entire heated and good sized pool to just you and some family. The only bummer of course is sunscreen. I bought a spray can of  SPF100+ the first day we went swimming and it only lasted a few days. Tried my nieces SPF 30 (or was it 50?) and got sunburned. Boo! So we went back to the store and bought a bottle of the lotion-y SPF100+ and my husband lovingly called me a “water baby” (the brand of the sunscreen I bought).This stuff smells better, feels better and I think works better. The spray stuff felt like lacquer! Blegh!

I made a bit of a silly comment to my husband last night about being 30 and just accepting your body as it is. I meant it in a positive way, but he quickly insisted that anyone can change their body and blah blah swimming blah blah blah. I know! I know! I wasn’t thinking…I was just trying to encourage some self-acceptance in him, but phrased it wrong and wsertgyhuijmok! So then he says if we swam everyday for a month we’d literally see the results in our bodies. He still wants to put on weight and be more toned, but when he weighed more he thought he was too heavy?! I just want him to love and accept himself. He encourages me to do so, ya know?! Ack! I know I walked right into that one, but it caught me off guard completely. I enjoy swimming, but I don’t like doing something everyday for the sake of it. If it stops being fun I will stop or even resent it. I don’t wanna do that to swimming when I’ve just re-discovered it’s fun! So that ain’t happening. But I am considering a less bulky/modest swim suit sometime soon, if I can find one.

How was your weekend? Anything fabulous happen? *Hugs* Rock on!

Also, anyone want to submit a photo for tomorrow’s Tank Top Tuesday post? notblueatall@notblueatall.com

This morning as I was waiting for my large, iced, soy white mocha (no whip, thanks) at Peet’s, the barista said to me, “Oh you’re hair looks so cute today!” and I was in utter shock! I leaned over to her, “Me?! Are you serious?” she replied, “Yes! It’s so cute!” I stepped back and looked around and then said, “I swear to you, all I did was roll out of bed and run a brush through it. Thank you so much! You made me feel so much better!!!” and we both laughed. It was a bit of an odd exchange. It’s not like she sees me everyday or even very often, but it was so nice of her to say that.

Truth is this isn’t the first time someone has shocked me with a compliment when I’m feeling especially icky or low. It’s nice and all, but occasionally it can be jarring, too. This morning, for example, I was barely even awake! At first I really didn’t think she was talking to me, but looking around I realized I was surrounded by short haired dudes and figured that it had to be me, right? Most people don’t compliment a guy’s do by calling it “cute.” But I accepted the compliment in the end, which is still not an easy thing for me to do, but I am determined to get better at it! I consider it an important life skill.

So what is up with this outsider perspective thing? How can someone see me/us as something we cannot? I’ll take a stab at it, but I’d love your input as well, okay? So I think because we see ourselves through this inner lens, which differs based on mood and current events, we can’t truly see ourselves outside of that lens. Does that make sense? Like, I felt all crusty and sleepy, but I did manage to brush my hair (and I had forgotten at the time that I’d put a tiny barrette in there) , but someone else saw my weak attempt as awesome and there ain’t nothin’ wrong with that! Ha-ha!

We see ourselves at our best, our worst, our everyday and we hear what others think of us our entire lives. Yet we are usually surprised when we see a good picture of ourselves, right? While I have managed to embrace the “bad” pictures of myself and even celebrate them (if you’re my facebook friend, you know what I’m talking about). Sometimes though, even I am shocked by what the camera captures. “Is that really me?!” When others thing we look amazing, all we see are our flaws. We see those minute details no one would even bother to look for or even see/notice!

And what do we do when our BFF/spouse/friend/sibling/etc is feeling blue? “Oh but you look fantastic!” *HeadDesk* We think it’s okay to lift someone up with the same thing. Hilarious! Except it’s not, really. Why are looks so important? Why do we reinforce these concepts? Has society always behaved this way? Did ancient Romans and Egyptians tell each other their hair was looking extra good that day? I honestly don’t know (but I’ll assume only the wealthy had nice hair anyway, right?). How does it make you feel when you’re feeling pretty low on the old self esteem, when someone compliments you on your looks?

I will say that the best mood/self-esteem/etc lifter for me is a fat event or meet up! Nothing makes me feel more empowered and beautiful and strong and amazing than hanging out with rad fatties! I can’t explain it, but it’s like just being instantly accepted and loved without a word spoken. You just know it! You just feel it! It’s awesome! Some of you may be thinking, “Well, that’s great for you, but I have no rad fatties in my life!” Pssshhht!!! If you can’t hang out with rad fatties in person, why not have a rad fatty dance party online through skype or google+?! You can get a web cam on Amazon for $5 (I got the green apple shaped one, it rocks!) and get your fat pride on! Start a meet up group (if you would like suggestions/guidance, email me!)! Seek out local BBW nights at dance clubs! There are lots of things going on, especially in the summer. Let’s lift each other up! Build our fat community and spread the love the world over! <3

Yesterday was my last true day at the cafe. And I had never received so many compliments in one day…ever! I didn’t dress up or wear make up, shit, I didn’t even brush my hair! Just slapped a big hot pink flower headband on that bitch and headed out the door! Ha-ha! I was told I was smiling bigger than ever before. Huh, hadn’t thought of that as an outfit accessory. But it was true, I was smiling and happy and so ready to walk away entirely. What I also hadn’t counted on was my own body issues becoming more apparent. Oops!

Night before last, we were suiting up to go swimming with out niece and my MIL. I thought I heard a bunch of kids in the pool and cringed. My husband asked what was up and I explained that I get anxiety from the thought of being in a pool full of kids. And he said that yes, he realized this as well (about me) and that my body issues aren’t entirely resolved. I said to him, “Well, yeah! Everyone has body issues.” and left it at that. Then later his mom mentioned the length of my swim suit after I called it a swim dress. It goes down to my knees, y’all! It’s one of those sporty Junonia numbers with the zipper in front (got it on clearance for a steal a year or two ago). It’s so comfortable and keeps my boobs in place (which I need) and I like it. It’s not terribly stylish, but I’m all about comfort, so fuck it!

But it’s true. I do still struggle. I am not a Fatkini Riot-er. It’s not that I didn’t want a new swim suit this year, it’s just that we are fucking poor and they cost so damned much! Even looking at the clearance ones at Torrid the other day, I either didn’t like them or they were too expensive. As I explained to my husband though, it’s not so much my body specifically, as my armpit cysts and other similar anomalies. My niece pointed to my armpit yesterday and said, “Oh you have mosquito bites, too?” and I had to explain that it was either heat rash or cysts. UGH!

And there is fuck all I can do about it. I cover them for my comfort, no one elses. When my pits aren’t inflamed, I’ll go sleeveless. I honestly don’t mind it now. But huge red blotchy sores? No thanks, not wanting the world to see ’em. Is that so wrong? That’s not the whole story though, is it? I don’t like how my waist line looks bare. I have a permanant pink/red line that goes along it and wouldn’t dream of showing it to anyone, ever…except my husband. I am getting used to showing more of my bare legs, but that is still and may always be a struggle for me. Part of me will always be a scruffy tom boy, no matter what frilly things I put on.

And so I reflect and ponder and consider these issues while also wondering what tomorrow will bring. I am so optimistic about the future now. I know that the universe chose to take mercy on me and nothing short of a (I hate to use the word, but) miracle took place so that I could sell my cafe. In this economy it is truly a wonder that we’ve been able to struggle along this long! But I am humbled and ever so grateful for all that has transpired these last 2-3 years. And I am trying my best to enjoy this in-between time. I slept in this morning (an hour), I am playing fetch with my puggyman, I am listenting to music instead of morning radio! *Sigh* So nice! Peace and space. This is what I needed all along!

Now, to sort through this paperwork and tax business?! Ha-ha! And dust off the old resume. They still use those, don’t they? Resumes? Ha-ha! It seems like everything has changed since I’ve been out of the workforce. But I suppose that is a post unto itself.

What body issues do you still struggle with? What one part of your body would you never show the world, why? What kind of bathing suit do you rock at the pool or beach? Are you a proud fatkini riot-er? I want to hear the good and the bad. The proud and the shy! Why? Because you ALL amaze the shit out of me! <3

So the big news I was waiting on was a possible buyer for my cafe. And after many offers, much back and forth and high hopes, I have sold the cafe as of Monday, August 8th. It is such a relief, as some of you may know, to no longer have the stress of everyday small business ownership. I will be training the new owner today and hopefully that is all. He wants me to stay through Saturday, but I just really want to move on, ya know? The cafe gave me so much these last two years. It’s given me a new perspective, lots of new friends and the chance to challenge myself everyday and watch what I can do with sheer determination!

Now the big question on everyone’s lips: What are ya gonna do now? And my answer: I don’t know, dude! Ha-ha!

Honestly? I just wanna find a nice job with a decent, but  more importantly, steady paycheck. The cafe wasn’t a dream of mine, but a project I felt compelled to complete. That behind me, I feel more free to follow whatever dreams do pop up or come to mind. I have lots of ideas, many of them fat related, but for now money and stability are on my brain. My husband wants to move up to the Santa Cruz mountains and I am seriously considering that as a possibility now. To be surrounded by redwood trees? Hmm, that doesn’t sound so bad at all!

I would like to thank you all for your support. I know I’ve had some mini breakdowns and y’all have helped me through that so much! Thank you to those who were able to come visit me at the cafe and to those who wanted to. Thank you all! <3

It is bittersweet of course. I truly surprised myself by accomplishing exactly what I set out to do. I hadn’t done any of that or anything like that before. It just goes to show what can happen when you are passionate and willing to step outside of your comfort zone. But I could not have done it had I not discovered and embraced fat acceptance/liberation wholly and completely! It gave me the confidence to trust in myself and the support of so many wonderful people all over the world. And they say fat is bad? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Seems  it’s done nothing but good for me, but hey, I could be the exception.

Thanks again! *Hugs*

Today’s Tank Top Tuesday submission comes from Heather of the fabulous blog FatGirlPosing.BlogSpot.com

My arms are fat and I love them. I spent 13 years wearing long pants and long sleeves. Finding the fat acceptance movement has not only done wonders for how I feel about myself and my body, but it’s been fantastic for my wardrobe and my comfort. They’re just arms! What’s the big deal? And I have so much more fun with my friends and family when I’m not worried the entire time about how I look. Enjoying life is far more important than who’s offended by my rolls.

Thank you for the fab pic, Heather! Be sure to check out her blog often (sometimes NSFW & generally better for a mature audience)!

I am taking submissions from anyone who wants to exercise their right to Bare Arms! Email your pics here: notblueatall@notblueatall.com, please include the name you’d like included in the post, a blog or etsy shop you wanna plug, your thoughts on bare arms or other fatty philosophies. It does not have to be in a tank top, so long as your arms are bare. Have fun with it!

Also, feel free to still treat comments as TMI topic/discussion area! Feel free to ask TMI questions or just vent/rant about your own stuff. I love it! We all do! =0)