Yesterday I was headed out to a fatty meet up across the bay and as per usual, I was stressing on what to wear. WHAT TO WEAR!?!?! It is the question that never truly gets answered. We are left constantly unsatisfied with our own wardrobes and styles and long for some mythical perfect outfit of splendor! Psshht! I’m slowly but surely getting over that concept, but I still struggle. I am always fearful of over or under dressing. I am usually a jeans and cute top type of gal, but have begun to explore, experiment and play with fashion more than, well, ever before! I am loving it, too! Overdressed? Oh well, ain’t like I’m doing manual labor, it’s just a meet up after all, so I went for it. I went and tried to put together the nuttiest thing I could with what I had. Mind you, I love lots of colors, but usually don’t go for anything super bright. But I’m getting there. I tested the waters of the color Hot Pink with great delight. So, yesterday I really dove in head first into colors…no, I mean COLORS!!! Prepare your eyes, babies, prepare them, shield them and remember that fashion and fatshion should be fun!

Bam! COLOR! But I felt like a little kid and maybe not in the best way. So I asked my husband to snap a pic and I text it to Nicole to ask if it was too much (I also had a yellow cardigan to go with it, ha!). She responded that it may be bit too much but that she liked it over all. My husband said it did in fact look like I was trying to dress and as a kid and I did feel a tad silly in it. Perhaps if I had a specific occasion for this type of technicolor outfit I would rock the hell out of it, but I just didn’t feel that the meet up (first impressions being what they are) was the right time or place.

So I headed back to my bedroom for a  wardrobe change and I actually love what I ended up wearing even more than the mega-brightness you see above. All of what you see in these outfits are mostly newly swapped or given pieces and I am so grateful for such opportunities when I am out of work and without the moolah. And yes, the TEGGINGS!!! The hot pink ones above as well as the black ones below are made of awesome sauce! I can’t say enough about them and feel compelled to own all of the colors they come in! Oh yeah, the outfit:

I friggin’ love this dress (it has pockets)! I got it at the Cupcakes & Muffintops event last month and it fits like a glove! It’s so me! I love daisies! And that gigantic purse is actually a “bocce” bag from Tokidoki for Le Sport Sac in “arancia.” I’m a major Tokidoki fan and lusted after the Le Sport Sac stuff for ages before finally tracking down this little baby for myself when I opened my cafe two years ago. Who knew it would fit so perfectly with this outfit?! I love it! And yes, the wingtips are Doc Martens (via eBay). You can’t see it, but I have the black flower headband rockin’, too!

Best of all, I had a great time hanging out and meeting new fatties, catching up with good friends and just enjoying a lovely Sunday afternoon in Oakland. Woo! Thanks to Lisette for organizing the meet up! Thanks to Jeanette for driving me all over the place! Thanks to Nicole for the help, the dress and for hanging out even though you got blisters from having to walk so much, and hanging out with me. Thanks to Marilyn Wann for being so rad and kind and just a great listener and advice giver! <3

Now, for more fatty events!!! I am hitting Club Anton in Oakland on Friday for their Full Figure Entertainment night! Then on the 23rd is Big Moves Bay Area’s “Fat Dance: Oh What A Feeling!” in Oakland. And what I truly cannot wait for (but in a way I’m nervous because I’m gonna sing some karaoke, y’all) is Marilyn Wann’s “Squak & Gobble” B-day & Fundraiser bash in Oakland on the 25th! Woo Hoo! I suddenly fucking love September! Ha-ha! It’ll be the fattest month of my 2011, that is for sure! Thanks for reading. Hope you have a fat-abulous day! <3

My husband and I recently watched the documentary, “Pregnant In America” on our Netflix instant watch (gotta love it). I had wanted to see it for awhile. Having previously watched “The Business of Being Born” another birthing in the US related doc by Rikki Lake and, “At Your Cervix” where the truth behind pelvic exams was revealed. All great documentaries! I highly recommend them all if you are even remotely interested in having a child in the United States of America. Because a lot of what we’ve been told, taught or marketed to in regards to women’s bodies and reproductive health, is, well…BULLSHIT!!!

I was born in a hospital. No complications, just a typical 1977 birth. My younger brother and sister, however, were born at home with a midwife. They, too, had no complications in their births (or should I say our mom didn’t). Yet somewhere along the line I grew a nice big prejudice against home births. I am not entirely sure why, other than I typically will rebel against anything my mother is for (I have not seen her in over 15 years). But getting my info on and watching these incredible documentaries has completely changed my mind!

I had grown fearful, over the last couple of years, of having a kid because of a lot of things. Mostly passing on genetic stuff, but also because there’s a damned good chance that I’ll have a fat child (who may also end up with my hair color, not bad, but kids are merciless towards redheads). Would the government take my child away because it’s fat? I couldn’t bear the thought of living through that. Or would I even get a say in the birth of my child while also being seen as too fat for anything in the eyes of the medical world? I read the blog WellRoundedMama and have found some great articles/info/resources there, but that fear still lingers.

When I read this post on AmpleProportions I was quickly reminded of my fears and the real threat to our rights as women in America, let alone the rights of the fat! Watching “Pregnant in America” sort of snapped me back to my germaphobic self in a way: hospitals are for the very ill, not for the newly born! I mean, babies don’t belong there! They don’t have fully formed immune systems and who knows who is touching your baby and if they’re washing their hands appropriately?! My husband has long said that he doesn’t want to have our baby in a hospital because they snatch it away from you the moment it’s released from the birth canal and instantly inject, weigh, test, “clean”, etc… when the natural thing is to clutch the infant to the mother’s breast, leaving the placenta in-tact for awhile, so that the natural hormones kick in and do what they need to do: Bond, initiate natural breast feeding and so much more.

Is it possible that the rise in postpartum depression has something to do, directly, with the westernized pathology of handling birth? To inject drugs (epidural) into the spine of the mother (can lead to so many problems I don’t even wanna talk about right now) so that she cannot feel the baby moving and may even be temporarily paralyzed until after the baby is born? You see, we’re natural baby makers, women. We and our bodies know exactly what to do, if we are unaltered and uninhibited. We will find the right position for us while giving birth, naturally! While OB/GYN’s have been trained to find pathology and complications where none exist all in the name of efficiency and profit! Laying on your back, legs splayed in the air, is not only not natural, but damned uncomfortable while pushing out a baby! I have completely changed my mind and I have no intention of going anywhere near a sick house (hospital) unless it’s an absolute emergency. They don’t want me anyway, I’m fat and have no insurance. Fuck ’em!

I’m not pregnant and don’t have immediate plans to get there, but if and/or when  I am ready, I thank the stars above that these films and the experts and resources available today are there to inform and help me along the way. I cannot stand the thought of not being in control of my own body or infant. To interfere with a natural thing? Well, that’s bullshit! I won’t stand for it and I most certainly will not pay for it!

Hey everyone! How are you? How was your weekend? I had a bit of a long one. Whew! Can’t believe it’s only Tuesday actually, but I’m feeling good.

Today’s Tank Top Tuesday submission comes from yours truly! I hadn’t received a submission from a reader in awhile and the last couple were from my very generous friends. So I wanted to jump back into the fray with you all, sleeveless and proud! Okay, no, that’s not entirely true. By the time this picture was taken I was proud, but most of the evening I felt terribly self conscious. I even grabbed a matching cardigan “in case I got cold” which is ridiculous as it was very hot that day. We had some friends over for dinner and I wanted to look cute, but…Nicole gave me this dress. Isn’t it lovely? I adore it! It’s not something I would ever buy for myself, but would fawn over in it the store only to walk away from it. Isn’t it strange how I was fine being sleeveless several different days last week (more tops from Nicole! Thank you gurl!!!) yet this dress put me right on edge?! My husband was very kind and encouraging, even when I threatened to change about four times. I think that’s the key though, to getting over this hump? Repetition! Because I was fine in the sleeveless tops I wore that week, but the dress? Why did it freak me out so? By the end of the night I couldn’t have cared less about my damned arms, but at the start I was beside myself with “OMZ! They will see my armz!”  And I am so sick of that! Why should I have to worry about how my bare arms make someone else feel? I’m done!

Okay, and then I see pics of myself like this and I think, “Wow! I look younger than I feel! Ha-ha!” Just sayin’! The dress is from Old Navy, but no clue as to when she bought it. It’s a 4x and is roomy up top, I may take it in a tad so it won’t pook out on the sides as much. but I love the colors! The accent looks red, but it’s a coral color trim. Lovely!

I am taking submissions from anyone who wants to exercise their right to Bare Arms for future Tank Top Tuesday posts! Email your pics here: notblueatall@notblueatall.com, please include the name you’d like in the post, a blog or etsy shop you wanna plug, your thoughts on bare arms or other fatty philosophies. It does not have to be in a tank top, so long as your arms are bare. Have fun with it!

Also, feel free to still treat comments as TMI topic/discussion/venting area! Feel free to ask TMI questions or just vent/rant about your own stuff. I love it! We all do! =0)

**Friend of the blog Erylin, has a clothing swap coming up in Kansas city mo. we will be having one on September 25th at the north Kansas city library right off of armour and I-35. (if you need more info leave a reply and we will connect you somehow). **

“This show has taught me that there is a common thread that runs through all of our pain and all of our suffering. And that is unworthiness. Not feeling worthy enough to own the life you were created for. Even people who believe they deserve to be happy and have nice things, often don’t feel worthy once they have them. There is a difference, you know, between thinking you deserve to be happy and knowing that you are worthy of happiness.”

“We often block our own blessings because we don’t feel inherently good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or worthy enough…

This show has taught me that you are worthy because you are born and because you are here. You’re being here, you’re being alive, makes worthiness your birthright. You alone are enough.”

“We are all looking for validation. Every person you will ever meet, shares that common desire. They wanna know, do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you? …Try it with your husband, your wife, your boss, your friends, validate them: I see you, I hear you. And what you say, matters to me.” Oprah Winfrey (Her very last episode)

The above quotes weighed heavily upon me and stayed in my thoughts for a few days after the fact. I just watched her last three episodes last week. I’d saved them and put off watching for some reason. Good stuff, honestly! I was surprised. I’ve never followed Oprah closely. I’ve admired and respected her from a distance. You probably know why, too. That she is self & fat hating. But I do think she has begun to see the error of that thinking as time goes on. But this concept of unworthiness? That struck me! Like a bolt of non-lethal lightening!

Worthiness. We see that as something attainable, somehow. Yet just living makes us all worthy! I love that! You are enough! Just as you are! I wanna shout these phrases from rooftops, y’all! I feel like it’s something that shouldn’t be a secret. For all I have been through in my lifetime, all that I have seen and been a witness to, all that I work for and toward…To know that I am still worthy? That is meaningful to me. I feel more grounded by the thought of that. It connects us to each other. It connects us, I hope, to our planet. I feel more a part of the universe itself, it’s limitlessness humbling and comforting me.

And it also terrifies me. To grow up feeling the need to prove myself worthy is a difficult thing to shake. I still catch myself trying. I hear myself say things to prove what I say or believe or just know. As much as I try to focus on the energy I bring with me where ever I go, I still find that I am that poor kid. Maybe now more than ever because I understand things I never did before. I have a different perspective than I could have had back then. My defenses may never leave me, but perhaps one day I will stop feeling the need to prove myself to anyone…even to myself.

This is where fat liberation connects to worthiness. Fat liberation (I know many of you prefer or have only heard acceptance, it’s the same thing really, but I prefer liberation), gave me the permission I needed to live my life now. To just accept and love and enjoy myself and my life. It gave me hope and cause and reason and passion. What am I saying, it gave me…it still gives me these things!!! It fuels my fires, baby! Ha-ha! Fat liberation gave me a new prescription in my spectacles that allows me to see beyond the mass-fed bullshit! And I love that!

And I am worthy. And you are worthy. And why can’t we just take that with us everywhere? (Where is my worthiness backpack?) I want to. I want to take it and share it with everyone I know! This should be part of the UN or something, I dunno. But it’s so important! This is amazing! This is a universal communication:

Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you?

Think about that awhile. Think about actively using it. I want to. I will try to.  I have said such things to my friends, but I wonder how that feels to hear it? I mean, without some sort of prompt? I guess it could come off as strange or pushy, maybe…well, I won’t stop. It’s such a powerfully positive thing! I had no idea such a simple concept/word could affect us all so strongly. But it does and I feel better for knowing it!

Happy Friday to you. Thank you for reading. Thank you for seeing me and hearing me and letting me know when something I say means something to you. You make me feel worthy. You are worthy, too! <3

We learn to judge sometime in our childhood. We learn to judge others and eventually ourselves. We begin to see the world through this new lens, but when we turn that lens upon ourselves we choose (or are taught) to see the negative. I think this self-judgement only worsens with time/age/environment. And I think that right now, in time or this year or whatever, it is worse than ever before in history. Women and girls see their self-worth directly tied to their weight and beauty. We push ourselves to a previously unfathomable degree and then sit back in shock and horror when such behaviors blow up in our collective faces. When breaking away from this type of thinking or behavior lands you in the “other” category or worse getting bullied.

I am still on my own personal path to a judgement-free life. I know it’s possible, I feel as though I am halfway there. I see people like Yoko Ono, the Dalai Lama, Oprah Winfrey and more, teach these concepts and practices hoping to reach even a few minds ready for change. And that is the crux of it, isn’t it? Change. It is what drives us and freezes us in terror. The unknown is what scares us. Change is what we think we want when we feel positive. But it is when things are drastically wrong that we rally together for that change. When we are instructed or asked to change for our “own good” we resist with a resistance against it like little else in the world. As though changing one iota of ourselves for health or well-being or for the health and safety of our loved ones, would change yourself and your personality for good. I used to believe that people do not actually ever change, but I know now that that just isn’t so. I have changed so much that when I look back I am often horrified at the person I was or the shit I allowed to be done to me or brought into my life.

With every passing year I think I see the world slightly differently. It used to be me against the world. Then me and my husband against the world. Now it’s just us trying to live in harmony with the world as best we can. That is a major shift! I used to walk around with a black cloud overhead, the living gal version of Eeyore. I believe at one point that I was so worthless that I didn’t even deserve death, that the best punishment for someone like me (I was in my mid to late teens) is to live in misery and agony for the rest of my natural life. I believed that in my heart of hearts (where did that saying come from?). I bought into that self-created philosophy for many years. Even got a tattoo with Chinese characters that say “Everlasting Pain”. *HeadDesk* That is not the person I am now. Not even close! But I changed. I grew. I evolved and I opened myself up to new things and people and concepts and lifestyles and ideas and I made informed changes in my life.

What inspired this post is an article about a woman who gave up mirrors for a year. I was struck by that concept, especially how it might pertain to Fat Liberation. When we look at ourselves in the mirror we see what others see (or so we think). A good friend of mine once told me a story about shopping at a local Target and seeing an older but stylish woman looking at her from behind a clothes rack. Well, that woman was her! She was alarmed at how much older she appeared in the mirror (though don’t get me started on department store mirrors, yo). She and I are one month apart in age. I found the story humorous, but poignant, too. At what point do we hold onto an image of ourselves and refuse to let go? I have been exposed to a large swath of the population and it varies, I can tell you that much. I have found that for men, 21-25 is their ideal image of themselves (no research was done, this is a guestimation y’all). And for women it can be much younger or older than that. I think it has more to do with what was going on in their lives than anything else, hindsight being 20-20 and all.

This all reminds me of a quote from Andy Warhol, “I know a girl who just looks at her face in the medicine cabinet mirror and never looks below her shoulders, and she’s four or five hundred pounds but she doesn’t see all that, she just sees a beautiful face and therefore she thinks she’s a beauty. And therefore, I think she’s a beauty, too, because I usually accept people on the basis of their self-images, because their self-images have more to do with the way they think than their objective-images do.” That Andy knew what was up! I think that girl is me! Ha-ha! seriously! I don’t own a full-length mirror anymore (not intentionally, just situationally) and thus can only view myself from the shoulders up. Sometimes I see myself as a beauty, other times I just look tired. But I am who I am and I accept that. I try not to dwell on that reflected image, either.

Could I (could you?) give up mirrors for a year? I don’t know. I mean, I suppose I could, but driving? Hmm, that would be the hardest bit. To resist the ultimate temptation of looking in the rear view mirror at myself? I don’t think I could. But I don’t hate what I see in the mirror anymore. I know who I am and while certain aspects of my personality may always be in flux, I know that the core of my being is good and kind and strong and capable and important. I hold that closest to me. I remind myself often. I have to. Because in this world, right now, with the hate flowing from every pore and person? I have no choice but to love me for me, I can’t expect to receive or buy that anywhere else. There’s no installment plan for self-acceptance.  It takes work and it takes a willingness to be open to that concept to begin with.  And I am a much better person for having found it! I now have more meaningful relationships and work to honor and value them. I hope that you can find a way to accept and love yourself, too. For now, accept that I love and accept you just as you are, right now!

<3
S