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and get neat-o emails like this Mon-Fri (some are amazing):

S****, everything is easy when you live in a dream world.

As long as you know that you’re dreaming.

You do and you can –
The Universe

I would like to be under worked and over paid! Ha-ha!

I was reading some of my fave blogs and it seems like more and more are getting to review products and services by the company sending them free stuff. I thought about this. My issue? My size alone cuts that possibility down to…I dunno. Just down. Oh sure, I could review beauty products and pretend to be oh-so-girly, but that just isn’t my style. If it was something that fell in line with my own beliefs and passions, maybe! But I would always give an honest review. No matter what.

I have been struggling with eating again. I am doing well with eating a breakfast, not always the greatest on offer, but I manage. It’s lunch that is my current hurdle. It used to be my fave meal of the day. Now? Not so much. I own & operate a cafe and thus am around food and drinks all day long. So when I get hungry, and I do, I can’t figure out what to eat and often just don’t. Ugh!

Here were the challenges:

• Wear shorts (NO LEGGINGS, NO TIGHTS!)
• Wear something without sleeves
• Wear something STRAPLESS
• Rock a bathing suit
• Wear a bodycon dress/outfit
• Go SPANX/shaper free (might be harder for some of us..ahem…ME)
• Rock a maxi dress or something similar
• Wear something structure-less
• Wear a short skirt/dress
• YOUR CHOICE: Something you normally wouldn’t wear/do – BE BRAVE!

Here’s my pics: Death Fattie Ahoy! (I’m 5’4″, 32 years old

#1 Shorts: WOW! I did this? Um, okay. I think they don’t show as well in this pic, but when I walk they were above my knees. Scarily so! I paired them with this top because it’s cute, comfy but also strappy! Again, mega-scary, but also so glad I did it! I felt 14 again! Ha-ha!

#2 Sleeveless: As featured in this post: http://www.notblueatall.com/archives/fun-fatshion-friday/Very empowering! I’m so glad I went out and about. I felt all classy with my pearls. I should really wear them more often.

#3 Strapless: from this post: http://www.notblueatall.com/archives/big-moves-bay-areas-go-big-or-go-home-7-10-2010/ What an incredible night that was. I’ll never think of dance the same way again! Thanks to my two fabulous BFFs for supporting me, taking the picture and attending such an incredible event. Y’all rock my socks to no end!

#4 Bathing Suit: This is my oh-so-comfy Junonia suit from last year. Got rid of my old too-much-cleavage-I’ll-never-be-able-to-swim ones. This one keeps my ladies zipped in, for your safety! And finally at a length I can deal with. It’s such a soft and fun, ribbed, fabric. Love it! But this was a hard shot to take, too! I had planned a pool visit, but it was freezing out! Yeah, in California, I know! So I grabbed some props and did what I could.

#5 Bodycon dress/outfit: THIS DRESS! You guys? You have no idea. When I saw it at Ross weeks ago I thought A.) it will never fit me (tag says 3X). B.) it’s so very sort! C.) it’s so clingy in a not-very-obvious but still very conscious way. BUT? I love this dress!!! I feel awesome in it and can’t wait for an event to make en entrance with it to go to.

#6 Go Spanx/Shaper free:
I never wear ’em! So what you see is all me.
#7 Maxi Dress: This was that Ellos maxi dress that was sold out over and over again last year. It’s this thick jersy cotton…so comfy & I love it, but it is sometimes too hot for such heavy fabric. But again, the comfort! Woo! (And bonus, back of my pug’s head! Ha!)

#8 Structureless: Not sure if this qualifies, but it’s all I had. Very slouchy top from Target last year and a “skirt” also from target that can be worth thusly or as a tube top dress thingy. I’ve worn it both ways, but this is the comfy-est non-skirt ever! And watch out: Fatty wearing a belt! Run Will Robinson…RUN!

#9 Short Skirt or Dress: from this post: http://www.notblueatall.com/archives/bfsc-an-evening-at-the-theatre/ I had no idea I still harbored so much shame about my legs. WOW! I learned a lot about myself that night.

#10 My choice, Be Brave: My Legs! YIKES! In the shortest thing I own at that! WOW! I actually like this pic even though you see my legs!!!

This whole challenge has me feeling so strong and brave and…just..GOOD!

And my ankle tattoo since some seemed interested. It was 8 hours of horrible pain, but totally worth it! While it made me reconsider ever getting another, I am already plotting & planning! =0)

Thanks for following along with me on this adventure. It truly was a challenge and taught me things about myself I never would have imagined. And all thanks to this gal & her lovely blog: http://www.tabayag.com/

Did you do the Big Fat Summer Challenge? Send me a link, I wanna see!!!

Here is another step in my Big Fat Summer Challenge Journey! Wow! I hadn’t realized how much body shame I still had within me. Sad to say it, but not ashamed to talk about it, my legs are maybe the hardest for me to show. I was a tomboy as a kid and never went out of my way to show my legs since bruises and scrapes were the norm, even into my teens.

Saturday night My husband and BFF went to see another BFF in a play called “Shakespeare 3 Ways” in San Jose, CA. I attempted a nap when I got home from work, but it just wasn’t gonna happen. The outside noise and an excited puppy in the house just wasn’t letting me have the peace I needed. No worries, I was excited to go and laid on the bed thinking of what to wear. Well, what I imagined would be funky and fabulous turned out not to work at all. So, I went with the old $15 Avenue dress made famous by Lesley Kinzel of Fatshionista.com I’ve worn it twice now, but hadn’t previously done so without leggings and not out and about in such a very public way.

I hand’t realized how much of my legs I was showing until we were walking to the car and the breeze decided to give me a hard time. This dress, yo, is very lightweight and cottony and delightful, but a breeze makes it go all over. Yes, I had black biker shorts underneath for the prevention of the chub-rub we all know and love (NOT). I was still so very conscious of how much of my legs were there for all to see. YIKES! I questioned weather or not my friend and husband would hate me if I made a dash back upstairs and to the comfort of my usual t-shirt & jeans…but chose to brave it!

We had dinner and were nearly too late for the show. But we made it with 5 minutes to spare. The show was delightful, my friend Jery of Theactorvist.com dazzled all in attendance as did his co-stars. Just lovely! I was also delighted to see a fattie intro the show. She seemed so not self-conscious, too. Made me smile! And as we were leaving after ward she even complimented my dress!  Very nice gal.

I admit that I was seriously struggling with this whole showing my legs thing (and worse, MY KNEES). When I mentioned it to my husband he seemed surprised but said I looked great and not to worry. Glad my terror wasn’t showing! It was eye opening for me though. That such a simple and seemingly harmless act could put me in such a scary head space. But I did it, dammit! And here I am, posting it for you to all gander at. *sigh*

This pic was taken at the end of the evening, around 1:30 am after my good friends left. I was so tired by night’s end. Also, my back was killing me from my long day’s work and evening’s events. Ugh! What can I say? So, I consider this a big step for me and my BFSC adventures. I should have more coming by week’s end and will hopefully get my list done in time to enter the contest. If not I am thankful that you all have been reading and following me in this. I do it for the fatties who can’t or don’t or won’t for whatever their own personal reasons. But I do it so that they know they are not alone as I know I am not alone. To be publicly fat is at times a very scary thing. But for me, not doing so is worse.

I hold my head high despite my own shame. I keep it in my figurative pocket and save it for later so that I may enjoy the moment and perhaps learn from facing this fear. I am determined to make things like this easier for myself and my husband. I want to feel more confident the next time I wear this dress. I will now, too.

Thank you for reading and please, leave a comment! I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject and anything else you might share. 

Listening to the Fatcast: Two Whole Cakes has been such a comfort and a little therapeutic for me lately. It really is like listening to two BFFs chit chat about all things fat. I love it! In one episode they mention early fat shopping buys and experiences and the discuss something I hadn’t thought of but just now found myself shopping and realized that I do it, too. The whole “I’ll Never Find This Again” syndrome.

You see, plus size clothing options are already pretty dang limited. I get that with the internet we have a much larger selection than ever before, but there’s issues with that, too. Sizing is all crazy, no matter what store/brand you still have to try on or check measurements and then HOPE those measurements were true…UGH! Exhausting and not so fun actually.

Marianne and Lesley mention having things simply because they thought they would never find anything like it again, even if it didn’t fit right or comfortable. Story of my life! Or the ever popular, looked great in the store, not so much at home. Or it fits fine, but wears awful: Chafing, bunching, riding up…NO THANKS!

So, a month or so ago my husband says to me, “Do you think you might have a clothing addiction?” he seemed serious, but I could tell he didn’t want to freak me out. Well, I was sort of offended. It stuck with me awhile. I explained to him that day that women must dress for occasion and don’t have the luxury of simply changing a shirt to complete a look for an event, etc. He only half bought that.

Now? Now I think that I don’t have an addiction, but I do have a case of the “I’ll Never Find This Again-itis!” Things I have bought over the last several years in hopes of finding what could be my own unique style. Alas, this just isn’t what’s accumulated in my closet, dressers & big basket of WHOA! (Or possibly Woe.)

As I do every so often, I shall purge and see what I can sell/donate/reconstruct/etc. I have no idea what the results will be, but I have a lot of trying on and prioritizing to do. Hopefully this will give more space to my well loved clothes and get rid of things I’ve only worn once.

And yet…I get a dollar in my pocket (so to speak) and what do I do but go on eBay and search for Mexican embroidered peasant tops in my size. DAMN! But I do love them and I only have one and I cherish it so! It’s from LB years ago. I paid close to $50 for it and it still fits. Though it seems shorter than I recall, but I still wear it with pride when The weather warms and I’m feeling a little more confident in my arm showings.

Do you have a closet of I’ll Never Find This Again? Tell me about it! =0)

I wanted to share with you a male fatshion perspective. What a breath of fresh air! And yes, he’s wearing white:

http://red3.blogspot.com/2010/07/fat-man-wearing-white.html

Fattastic! So elegant and classy! I certainly don’t want to objectify this man, whom I respect, but he could stop traffic in that suit! So very handsome. He’s also a fantastic FA blogger. Please, check out his blog!