Through my own fat acceptance journey, I have been exposed to other intersecting communities. Some of these communities I had had some misconceptions, preconceived notions and absolute prejudices about. Because of fat acceptance, and attending fat events, I have realized just how wrong I was about every single one of them. Yep, I am checking all of my privileges and myself and opening my heart and mind to these communities, experiences, choices, lifestyles and people! And guess what? I am loving every minute!

I actually had a bit of an awkward conversation with my husband about this exact thing. Many years ago he’d been invited to an event that one of his peers was participating in. How it was presented to me colored how I saw it and I, being the stubborn Scorpio that I am (and I cop to and own this about myself, though I work on it, too), simply said, “No way!” But time goes by and things happen and minds can and do change. I had to explain to my husband and partner of over 13 years that, well, my views of the world are actually quite different (and I hope more mature) than they were back then.

I’ve always considered myself a tree-hugging hippie sort, very open and loving. But somehow some of these communities hadn’t touched my life or been presented to me in the way they have been since I found fat acceptance. And let’s face it, fat/body/self acceptance intersects with many communities! I hadn’t previously considered myself a feminist. Relying on the very old concept and representations, I had thought of the cliched “femi-nazi” bullshit. Wow! I was so very wrong. Not only am I a feminist, I’m loving learning about the various aspects and communities within the feminist community online. So many blogs, so little time. No, they don’t all get fat acceptance or even positive body image stuff right, but what I take away is what I want to and I choose my battles carefully.

I am only recently discovering and participating in the more femme-queer communities and events in my area. While I’ve participated in and organized and donated to the gay community over the years, I never considered myself more than an ally because of my current relationship. I felt like an outsider because of it. I felt as though without my BFFs there with me as homo-cred or permission, that I would be kicked out or something. Silly, I know. But I did feel this way for awhile. Now I see how very queer the fat community is and can be and my own sexuality isn’t as simple as “straight” or “hetero” but a much more flexible thing that I am not sure I’ve completely sorted out yet. For now I shall call it situationally hetero, but a great and fabulous friend recently said it was hetero-flexible, which I also like.

The simple fact that I am secretly (though not so much since I’m about to spill some of them beans) fantasizing and dreaming and plotting my very own  burlesque identity and show says everything about how far I’ve come in accepting myself and just about everyone in the damned world! I keep talking myself out of the idea, but then a song will come on, my hips start to sway and shake and then I hear Virgie in my head yelling, “Sexy Bitches!” and I can’t help it! I might just have to make this happen…just to see that I can do it. Ya know? Ha-ha! I still get the ugly thought monster, “Old broad! You think you can strut your stuff and strip in front of people? You’ll clear the place out!” That damned inner critic ain’t as dead as I’d previously thought, but I keep kicking her ass to the curb as much as I can.

Truth is, none of this would have come into my life without FA and most definitely not without pushing myself outside of my comfort zone. Going to fat and queer events. Meeting new people! *gasp* Being more social! What? I know! I even accept more invites than I turn down now days. That’s saying a lot considering my complete lack of an income, but I make it work and all of these new people in my life are so rad they totally understand! I still get shy and have days when I wanna hide under the covers, but all I have to do now is remember those times when I did push myself (like the flesh mob with Marilyn Wann) and I soon find myself smiling so big I forgot why I wanted to hide to begin with!

So, my lovely readers, what has fat acceptance made you change your mind about? What have you been exposed to for the first time because of FA? Do you find it easier to get out of your comfort zone? Tell me all about it!

To live today is to live in a world that wants to diminish us.
To be pressed upon, constantly, to be less than, to live in distrust.
They do it with pharmaceuticals, they do it with supplements and powders and promises.
They do it with bars and shakes and crisps and keep us as your hostages.
Fat free, caffeine free, sugar free, nutrient free fantasies of tasteful humanity.
They poke and they prod us with lies and disgust.
They bind and staple and nip and tuck.
They rob our youth of hopes and dreams and possibilities.
They rob our middle age of self assurance and deny our capabilities.
Longing becomes the norm. Hate becomes reborn.
They control us with guilt. Stitching our flesh into your demoralizing quilt.
“Shame on You…” for being so fat?
“Shame on You…” for being healthy, too?
“How dare you not do as we tell you to do!”
We are not to be diminished, contorted, controlled or prescribed.
We are done with your idiosyncratic lies!
I will not be weighed like so much meat.
My flesh has value and won’t accept defeat.
You cannot separate my fat from me.
You won’t get the best of me!**
I’m no more and no less human than you.
Yet you insist, “But I’m better than you!”
The fuck you are and the hell with your lot.
It’s my guts, my glory, my intestines without knots!
Keep your scalpels and calipers and body fat ratio machines.
Wanna know where you can stick your oversold thin fantasy?
Nothing tastes as good as a free mind feels.
But you’ll never know when you’re stuck on their hamster wheels!
I smile a thoughtful smile, wider than my hips.
I love with my whole self, not a smaller version of what you sell as “health.”
I won’t sit or back away quietly.
I’m far too busy fighting for equality!
So yell if you must, from your trucks, cars and bikes.
I’ll keep on keepin’ on, stepping up to bullhorns and mics!
We are fat! We are free! We have pride and can be healthy!
Stop with the judgment. End all the shame!
Our bodies and minds are not playing that game!

So, yeah…um…I watched the film “Howl” Friday night and while I didn’t enjoy the film as much as I’d hoped (or wasn’t in that frame of mind or something), the writing, the poetry, it really stuck with me. And the above just sort of poured out of me Saturday morning. I miss poetry. I went through quite an obsessive phase. I read all I could and wrote until my hands would cramp and it’s all gone! The memories of what I read and wrote. And all of my poems are long gone, too. I used to only write when I was depressed and for a lot of time that worked out well. This is probably the first that wasn’t about a specific person or instance. Like I said, it just came out. Ha!
Thanks for reading.
<3
S

Have you ever had someone try to call you out for being a “bad fatty?” It doesn’t matter the situation, person, activity, they were just waiting to tell you you’re wrong/hipocrtical/a bad fatty! Sometimes who it comes from is the more difficult part. It can be equally unnerving or uncomfortable if it’s someone close to you or a total stranger. I get the full spectrum operating my cafe everyday. You know that look? The one that says, “How could you be putting that into your mouth?” or “Should you really be preaching health at every size…at Your size?” and so many more.

When you are fat in public you just never know who will take it upon themselves to not only body & food police you, but even try to make sure you fall into some ridiculous stereotype. Heaven forbid a gal eats a donut! Even just once a year! Nope, we can’t have that! That’s “BAD!”  “You can’t be healthy and eat a donut!” “You know you won’t eat just one!” The fuck I won’t! And you wonder what special little joy they are getting from trying to shame/blame/other you. Anything in the attempt to seem better off, I suppose.

It’s sad to me that it must be reiterated daily/weekly/etc, food has no moral value! There is no “bad” food. There’s rotted food, sure, that’s bad! But not in the moral sense. What you choose to put into your mouth is your business and no one elses. No one’s! Not even your mother! Not even your BFF! Not even your Granny! Not their business! That’s it! Get it? You’re not a “bad fatty” or “bad” anything else. You’re just you! That’s all you can hope to be and that’s all I ever try to be.

Then there’s that look of pity or worse, disgust! The look that says, “How dare you breathe the same air or occupy the same space as me?!” The look that says, “Oh that poor dear! She must be out of control/let herself go.” Where? Where did I let myself go? Huh? Fatlandia? Fatterson U.S.A.?! Tell me! Where exactly did I let myself go? Out of control? Your judgment is out of control! I am in complete and total control over my own actions and judgments, thanks. I do not exist for you! I do not live to please! I live to live! I live to experience the wonders of this world! I live to love and to give and to share…what the fuck do you live for, huh?

Whew! Okay, sorry…went off a bit there. It’s just so frustrating to have people say things, even on the sly, about you because you look a certain way. I’m not interested in conformity! I’m punk rock! Conformity is for squares and suckers, ya know?! I didn’t get dressed in the hopes of fitting/blending in. I don’t hope to pass some non-existent grade you’re handing out. I don’t go out of my way to judge or hate anyone, so why are you? I just don’t get it. I mean, who cares? Who has the time?

Stigma is such a piece of shit! I’m sick of it. I think the most freeing thing anyone can do is simply to no longer care what other people think. If I am to be judged on face value alone? Not my problem! Because trying to fit into some existence that doesn’t want me just as I am, for who I am right now, does not interest me in the least. People don’t look up to others who did not stand out. No one says, “I really admire Shirley, she always seems to fit in and not make waves. That’s what I love about her!”

 You cannot control other people or the world in general. You can’t. You cannot do a damned thing about people perceiving or judging you a certain way. That’s on them! All you can do is just be you. Corny? Maybe! Fuck it! I don’t care! It’s how I roll and I have no intention of stopping. It’s done me just fine up until now, why stop a good thing, ya know? Ha-ha! To the lady who said to my friend, “Oh I know I guy who DOES eat cookies for breakfast. He’s your size!” What in the hell lady? What business is it of yours what anyone has for breakfast or what size they are? Fuck you!

What do you wanna tell the people who judge you unfairly? What can we do to wise people up when they confront us with this bullshit? I have an idea…if ever I’m called a name again, I shall resond, “Ignorant coward!” in the hopes this will confuse the poor dears. Yes, confuse! Their ignorance is cowardice! Their cowardice is ignorance. They are so afraid of fat and fatties that they feel compelled to shout from a moving vehicle or utter some slur under their breath? Coward! They obviously buy into all of that diet industry marketing bullshit. Ignorance! Lose the hate, not the weight! <3

Can we all agree it’s just wrong to judge people?

I’m sure we’ve all at least heard of a certain big box store chain that people secretly take pictures of their patrons and post them on a certain web site (the people of…). I recently got a touch caught up in a thread on facebook about this specific site. A friend had posted about it saying something to the effect of it is just wrong wrong wrong to body shame and make judgments about people. Her friends didn’t agree. They felt that a post on that website was in fact deserved since the woman was wearing “two bandaids and a cork” (which sounds painful, where does the cork go?) and this woman should have more respect and should think of the children!!!

What in the hell and the how? I mean, really?! Look, I get that some people may have a preference for certain fashion norms. I understand that you may have been raised to dress a certain way in a given environment. But hey, not everyone buys into that or was raised that way. I don’t think it’s right to judge anyone, period. Not on how they dress or look or what have you. Our actions should speak for themselves. When you judge someone on their appearance you are making many assumptions about them. You wouldn’t want those assumptions made about you, I would think. They may dress a certain way and see nothing wrong with it. Who the hell thinks about children when getting dressed in the morning? F ’em all, I say!

I will wear what I want when I want to where I want. If you don’t want your children to see a giant fat lady? Keep ’em at home! I am sick of society protecting and always thinking of the children. Why can’t you as a parent just explain to your child that different people dress in different ways and have different body types and that is what makes the world go around? I would. I don’t believe I was ever protected from this shit as a kid anyway. Part of learning is seeing the world around you and deciding for yourself how you feel about it.

I’m not saying that I’ve never judged people, but I stopped judging others when I realized it only made me judge myself more harshly. But body policing? When is that okay? NEVER! But to say that someone has to dress a certain way? Not cool (and it gets me all riled up, frankly). It just goes back to all of those bullshit fashion rules we were taught growing up. Nor horizontal stripes if you’re a fatty fatterson? Bullshit! You should see what I’m wearing today (grey and black striped v-neck from Avenue, thank you). White shoes after labor day? Fuck that! Fuck all of these stupid goody-goody proper-bullshit rules. I’m so done with that.

The point of my friend’s post was simply about the site itself and how wrong it is for people to take people’s pictures in secret only to post and ridicule the person online. It’s wrong! It’s bullshit! It’s what is wrong with society today. We somehow think it’s okay to do this? Since when? Oh yeah, since the internet. Ha-ha! Not really, but I was raised to believe that we’re all equal, no one is better or worse. I still believe this. It keeps me grounded. It allows me to see people and the world on a somewhat more even playing field. I know stuff is shitty in the world, I’m not delusional. But shit y’all, you cut someone? They bleed! End of story!

That site is offensive. It should be offensive to anyone and everyone who views it. Yet somehow it is still up and still getting new posts. It perpetuates classism, ablism, sizism, sexism…every “ism” there is! It takes more than a simple dissenting voice to rid the world of this shit, but it can’t hurt, ya know? And what if it was your mom or brother or aunt or granny on the site? Would you still ridicule or play the blame and shame game? I don’t think you would, but I don’t know you, so I couldn’t possibly know what you would do. Funny that.

Your thoughts?

You may not know it from just reading this blog o’ mine, but it seems that I have in fact been in hiding, y’all. I hadn’t actually realized it myself until Monday night at karaoke with my two BFFs. Jery bought the first round of drinks and as we were about to toast (Wyder’s pear cider, yo!) he leans over and says to me, “I’m so glad you finally decided to come out.” gobsmacked, I replied, “Have I been in hiding or something?” to which he said, “Well, yeah, it felt like it.”

Wow! Truer words have never been spoken. I do feel as though I’ve come out of some sort of hiding/cloistering period. I guess I just hadn’t thought of it that way. The thing is, I used to go out at least once a week. Usually to karaoke with the boys, but then it stopped being fun, I ran out of moolah and got super tired and depressed. It happens. I got so caught up in my own stress and anxieties that I’d forgotten to have fun. What a huge missing piece of my giant self-care puzzle, right?! Whew! So happy I’ve found it!

And it wasn’t actually that sudden of a thing, either. I think the fat clothing swap in San Francisco a couple of months ago (was it that long?) really kicked things off and reignited my fatty activist passion. Then of course meeting so many fabulous local fats helped and soon I found my social calendar filling up! Who knew? I do remember a point where I was scrambling to fulfill plans made and even canceling some for both personal (anxiety/panic) and logistic reasons.

The fat flesh mob with Marilyn Wann in S.F. for International No Diet Day was another big push in the right direction. It certainly reminded me in an indelible way just how important and needed the fat acceptance movement is and why I am committed to being a part of it and furthering its goals (equality, anyone?). The burlesque class* that made me realize that I could feel sexy again! And somehow it all culminated in this past weekend with the BBW dance night in Oakland and then karaoke on Monday? Well, what a wild ride and a blast! And I’m still standing! Fun didn’t kill me! Ha-ha!

I guess I do tend to cloister myself reflexively. I stay where I can control my environment and interactivity. I stick with what’s comfortable and easy and low maintenance and stress. It’s why sometimes I just can’t want to try a new restaurant while other times I’m jumping at the chance. My husband both help and hurts this type of self-preservation things depending on what end of the spectrum we each are on at that time. I used to think being a homebody was some terrible waste of time or whatever. Now I totally get it! I do!

I would like to thank my friends, new and old, for sticking by me and being so patient and kind to me. P&J for being my all-time cheerleaders and the tough love givers when they somehow know the time is right. Steph for making me feel like we were in high school talking on the phone about all things boys for hours! Virgie Tovar for being so fucking sweet and awesome and helping me feel sexy again! Carmen for accompanying me to the burlesque class and getting out of your comfort zone…you sexy bitch! Marilyn Wann for making me see you in a whole new light (human? Yep, totally!) and putting one of my dreams into reality (fatty flash mob!). Jeanette & Jessica for inviting me out, making me feel welcome and for making me feel like a girl, too! Twistie for always somehow knowing the right thing to say to me, keeping me sane. Psycho Sue and Rachel for being such amazing and supportive bad asses even though y’all live so very far away from me. WithoutScene for actually wanting to put up with my random-ass chat sessions (ha-ha!) and inspiring me and making me see my own potential. Amanda for making me so hopeful for the hardworking college folks out there! What you are doing is amazing, I don’t know why you don’t have a  fan club yet! Kath for inspiring me and being a super fatty blog mentor to me (without you realizing even). Of course, my husband, Bryan for being my rock and my best friend and putting up with my chaos (even though he’s never seen this blog–he’s aware of it). And my regular  here and my regular customers at the cafe for lifting my spirits by just saying hi! Thank you for that!

If you’ve never left a comment, please do. I forget anyone reads this sometimes and it really does help me keep going.  

Not sure how this ended up all sappy…meh, whatever. Go with it! Ha-ha! Thanks y’all! You rock my socks!
<3
S