My husband and I recently watched the documentary, “Pregnant In America” on our Netflix instant watch (gotta love it). I had wanted to see it for awhile. Having previously watched “The Business of Being Born” another birthing in the US related doc by Rikki Lake and, “At Your Cervix” where the truth behind pelvic exams was revealed. All great documentaries! I highly recommend them all if you are even remotely interested in having a child in the United States of America. Because a lot of what we’ve been told, taught or marketed to in regards to women’s bodies and reproductive health, is, well…BULLSHIT!!!

I was born in a hospital. No complications, just a typical 1977 birth. My younger brother and sister, however, were born at home with a midwife. They, too, had no complications in their births (or should I say our mom didn’t). Yet somewhere along the line I grew a nice big prejudice against home births. I am not entirely sure why, other than I typically will rebel against anything my mother is for (I have not seen her in over 15 years). But getting my info on and watching these incredible documentaries has completely changed my mind!

I had grown fearful, over the last couple of years, of having a kid because of a lot of things. Mostly passing on genetic stuff, but also because there’s a damned good chance that I’ll have a fat child (who may also end up with my hair color, not bad, but kids are merciless towards redheads). Would the government take my child away because it’s fat? I couldn’t bear the thought of living through that. Or would I even get a say in the birth of my child while also being seen as too fat for anything in the eyes of the medical world? I read the blog WellRoundedMama and have found some great articles/info/resources there, but that fear still lingers.

When I read this post on AmpleProportions I was quickly reminded of my fears and the real threat to our rights as women in America, let alone the rights of the fat! Watching “Pregnant in America” sort of snapped me back to my germaphobic self in a way: hospitals are for the very ill, not for the newly born! I mean, babies don’t belong there! They don’t have fully formed immune systems and who knows who is touching your baby and if they’re washing their hands appropriately?! My husband has long said that he doesn’t want to have our baby in a hospital because they snatch it away from you the moment it’s released from the birth canal and instantly inject, weigh, test, “clean”, etc… when the natural thing is to clutch the infant to the mother’s breast, leaving the placenta in-tact for awhile, so that the natural hormones kick in and do what they need to do: Bond, initiate natural breast feeding and so much more.

Is it possible that the rise in postpartum depression has something to do, directly, with the westernized pathology of handling birth? To inject drugs (epidural) into the spine of the mother (can lead to so many problems I don’t even wanna talk about right now) so that she cannot feel the baby moving and may even be temporarily paralyzed until after the baby is born? You see, we’re natural baby makers, women. We and our bodies know exactly what to do, if we are unaltered and uninhibited. We will find the right position for us while giving birth, naturally! While OB/GYN’s have been trained to find pathology and complications where none exist all in the name of efficiency and profit! Laying on your back, legs splayed in the air, is not only not natural, but damned uncomfortable while pushing out a baby! I have completely changed my mind and I have no intention of going anywhere near a sick house (hospital) unless it’s an absolute emergency. They don’t want me anyway, I’m fat and have no insurance. Fuck ’em!

I’m not pregnant and don’t have immediate plans to get there, but if and/or when  I am ready, I thank the stars above that these films and the experts and resources available today are there to inform and help me along the way. I cannot stand the thought of not being in control of my own body or infant. To interfere with a natural thing? Well, that’s bullshit! I won’t stand for it and I most certainly will not pay for it!

“This show has taught me that there is a common thread that runs through all of our pain and all of our suffering. And that is unworthiness. Not feeling worthy enough to own the life you were created for. Even people who believe they deserve to be happy and have nice things, often don’t feel worthy once they have them. There is a difference, you know, between thinking you deserve to be happy and knowing that you are worthy of happiness.”

“We often block our own blessings because we don’t feel inherently good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or worthy enough…

This show has taught me that you are worthy because you are born and because you are here. You’re being here, you’re being alive, makes worthiness your birthright. You alone are enough.”

“We are all looking for validation. Every person you will ever meet, shares that common desire. They wanna know, do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you? …Try it with your husband, your wife, your boss, your friends, validate them: I see you, I hear you. And what you say, matters to me.” Oprah Winfrey (Her very last episode)

The above quotes weighed heavily upon me and stayed in my thoughts for a few days after the fact. I just watched her last three episodes last week. I’d saved them and put off watching for some reason. Good stuff, honestly! I was surprised. I’ve never followed Oprah closely. I’ve admired and respected her from a distance. You probably know why, too. That she is self & fat hating. But I do think she has begun to see the error of that thinking as time goes on. But this concept of unworthiness? That struck me! Like a bolt of non-lethal lightening!

Worthiness. We see that as something attainable, somehow. Yet just living makes us all worthy! I love that! You are enough! Just as you are! I wanna shout these phrases from rooftops, y’all! I feel like it’s something that shouldn’t be a secret. For all I have been through in my lifetime, all that I have seen and been a witness to, all that I work for and toward…To know that I am still worthy? That is meaningful to me. I feel more grounded by the thought of that. It connects us to each other. It connects us, I hope, to our planet. I feel more a part of the universe itself, it’s limitlessness humbling and comforting me.

And it also terrifies me. To grow up feeling the need to prove myself worthy is a difficult thing to shake. I still catch myself trying. I hear myself say things to prove what I say or believe or just know. As much as I try to focus on the energy I bring with me where ever I go, I still find that I am that poor kid. Maybe now more than ever because I understand things I never did before. I have a different perspective than I could have had back then. My defenses may never leave me, but perhaps one day I will stop feeling the need to prove myself to anyone…even to myself.

This is where fat liberation connects to worthiness. Fat liberation (I know many of you prefer or have only heard acceptance, it’s the same thing really, but I prefer liberation), gave me the permission I needed to live my life now. To just accept and love and enjoy myself and my life. It gave me hope and cause and reason and passion. What am I saying, it gave me…it still gives me these things!!! It fuels my fires, baby! Ha-ha! Fat liberation gave me a new prescription in my spectacles that allows me to see beyond the mass-fed bullshit! And I love that!

And I am worthy. And you are worthy. And why can’t we just take that with us everywhere? (Where is my worthiness backpack?) I want to. I want to take it and share it with everyone I know! This should be part of the UN or something, I dunno. But it’s so important! This is amazing! This is a universal communication:

Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you?

Think about that awhile. Think about actively using it. I want to. I will try to.  I have said such things to my friends, but I wonder how that feels to hear it? I mean, without some sort of prompt? I guess it could come off as strange or pushy, maybe…well, I won’t stop. It’s such a powerfully positive thing! I had no idea such a simple concept/word could affect us all so strongly. But it does and I feel better for knowing it!

Happy Friday to you. Thank you for reading. Thank you for seeing me and hearing me and letting me know when something I say means something to you. You make me feel worthy. You are worthy, too! <3

This week’s Tank Top Tuesday submission comes from Nicole of AWellRoundedVenture & the podcast SuperFats! She confessed that she took these back in November and just never got around to posting/submitting them, but just take a look at these pictures and tell me it wasn’t worth the wait?!

Can you see now why Nicole is my fatshion hero? Yep, she is and you know why, now! I have been reading Nicole’s blog for a long time now and I love what I read and see every time.  Do go read her latest post (I promise you won’t be disappointed) and say hi! She may even talk me into doing more fatshion posts! What?! I know!!! Ha-ha! Thanks Nicole for your submission, your strength and your talents! I love ya, gurl! <3

I am taking submissions from anyone who wants to exercise their right to Bare Arms for future Tank Top Tuesday posts! Email your pics here: notblueatall@notblueatall.com, please include the name you’d like included in the post, a blog or etsy shop you wanna plug, your thoughts on bare arms or other fatty philosophies. It does not have to be in a tank top, so long as your arms are bare. Have fun with it!

Also, feel free to still treat comments as TMI topic/discussion/venting area! Feel free to ask TMI questions or just vent/rant about your own stuff. I love it! We all do! =0)

**Friend of the blog Erylin, has a clothing swap coming up in Kansas city mo. we will be having one on September 25th at the north Kansas city library right off of armour and I-35. (if you need more info leave a reply and we will connect you somehow). **

Fat events, that is!

Have you ever been overwhelmed by goodness? By love? By friends? That’s kind of where I’m at today. Last week was my first “solo” effort since closing the cafe and I was busy, y’all! Ha-ha! I lunched with fabulous ladies and hung out with rad fatties (okay, some were the same people) and then went to Cupcake & Muffintops yesterday! Whew! I should be tired from it all, but I’m more energized! That is what the fat liberation community does for me. Every time I attend an event I walk away exhilarated! And I am! In fact, I’m so excited that I couldn’t even think of what to write for today’s post! Not that this is anything new, ha-ha!, but I wanted to write something meaningful or deep or whatever…yeah, that ain’t happenin’!

A commenter recently wondered where the fats were at in their home town/state. I felt this way, too! I can’t be the only bad ass fat ass around! And I am most certainly not! I will say it took a bit more work on my part to open myself up to new people. To be open minded, but also open to new friendships, philosophies, lifestyles…all for the better! I can honestly say that my views on many things have changed because of the fabulous people I have met through the fat liberation community. And I highly encourage any and all to do the same. Start a meet up group! Create activism in your area where none existed before! Be radical! Get political! Stand up & be heard! You could buy a “Yay! Scale” and use it in your activism (it is the coolest thing to see people’s reactions!). Start a zine! A newsletter! Or plan a clothing swap!

This one gets people out of their hidey holes, I think, most! Why? Because fat people don’t often get included in such things and finding fatshion, in your size, that fits, that isn’t a gazillion bucks? That is fantasyland, right?! But it doesn’t have to be! You could do a small swap with just a few people or a big ole one for all to attend and enjoy! I encourage gender inclusiveness and an overall sense of community building, but that’s just me. You can have a theme or a costume party or a craft day, whatever. Just dip your toe in the fat liberation community waters in your area. I promise you’re not the only fatty in town!

Where to start? Well, I got my fat activist training wheels on LiveJournal.com’s Fatshionista community. So I would start there. Read the posts, check out the tags, see what resources are there (there could already be a local meet up you haven’t heard about!) and then consider posting your own query about your town/area. It’s that simple! You start by planting that seed and if you nurture it, that baby will GROW! You could also try to get other local groups involved. GLTBQ groups, Feminist groups…there’s so many who could identify with our cause, I’m sure they’d love to help/join forces!

My first meet up didn’t go so well and I wasn’t as open and accepting as I am now. It was a diverse group, but I think too many severely different personality types. We lunched and shopped and that was the end of it. I tried to organize a meet up a few more times and finally it did work out. Though it ended up never being truly a monthly thing, more like every other month. But you know what? I have made some fabulous friends from that group and I wouldn’t trade that/them for the world! It is hard to put yourself out there, but try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Nobody is perfect or expecting you to be (and if they are? Fuck ’em!). Just keep it friendly and casual until you know what you want to do with the group. And if you do any of this stuff? Hit me up! I’d love to promote you! Take pictures! Have fun with it! I’m dying to throw a fatty dance party myself and I will, in time. =0)

For now I say this: If there is a fat event, attend! Support! Promote! Spread the good fat positive word! If there’s not? Consider getting your hands dirty and starting your own! Start small and open yourself up to the possibility of helping grow this spectacular fat liberation community in your area. You won’t regret it! <3

There is so much awesomeness going around right now that I thought I’d share some of my faves with you! Woo!

First off, can I just say how much I fucking love LOVE! love Virgie Tovar?! She is amazing and incredible and is doing a video series, “Virgie Tovar’s Guide to Fat Girl Living” and they are flabulous!!! Here’s episode one to whet your appetite (believe me, you won’t be able to stop!):

Dr.Pattie Thomas & PDA Nation want to hear Your Story (and for more resources, links, etc http://revolutionsresources.blogspot.com/):

Please consider submitting your own story through video or text (you can comment on the videos on YouTube).

Amanda Levitt of FatWaitress & Love Your Body Detroit just opened a fabulous fat positive Etsy shop to raise funds for more fat activism: http://www.etsy.com/shop/LYBDetroit
Do check it out, buy something for yourself (like the fat rights tool kit!!! OMZ!!!)

And a bit of not so greatness, but I hope we can have an impact before it comes out…I first heard about this from Marilyn Wann and wanted to share it with you: Please go to the Amazon pages (US and UK) and post a comment responding to the godawful children’s book, “Maggie Goes on a Diet.”
I was personally shocked that the story itself is about a 14 year old going on a diet, but the targeted age for readers is 4-8 years old. Yikes!!! I hope that you will read the discussion and consider adding your own voice! <3