You ever get ready to go out but don’t wanna fuss or anything and truly you just wanna be comfortable? I think we have all been there in some way, right? Well, last Monday night I was getting ready to go to karaoke with my BFFs and I just wasn’t in the mood to dress up. I was already wearing a perfectly comfortable t-shirt and jeans, why fuck with a good thing? So I threw on a necklace and a vest and this neat-o feather thingy I got at Joann’s and just went with it. The feather thingy sort of looks like a little flower, but it’s feathers, so it looked like a casual boutineer. I was feeling quite fabulous actually. This insta-outfit was almost exactly “my style”. I popped on a couple of bracelets before heading downstairs and ta-da!

I’d wanted a classic black vest for years and finally found one a couple of months ago at Kohl’s of all places! I had a ten dollar off coupon and was shocked when the vest actually buttoned up! I wore it with my costume for Halloween this year, but this is my first attempt at rocking it classic old school 90’s style, yo! What do you think? I still like it, though I’m not as in love with the outfit now that I’m not wearing it. The necklace was on clearance at Avenue, the t-shirt is old navy from about 3 years ago, the jeans are Avenue Denim Lite straight leg-discontinued, and I’m wearing my not-yet-famous-but-totes-should-be five dollar doc martens. They’re a size too big, but for five bucks including shipping? I couldn’t say no…and they’re so comfy!

I’m so over other people’s expectations anyway, this outfit to me says exactly that. This is who I am, take me or leave me, that’s your choice, man.

What outfit makes you feel this way? Are you secretly wanting to rock a style you’ve never tried before? What’s stopping you?

This is the sixth in a series of things that have helped me, I believe in, or people have asked me to share. Basically, things I do or think or whatever that have helped me be a better person, activist and positive fat lady. Check out  Step 1,  Step 2, Step 3, Step 4 and Step 5.

Step 6: Take Lots Of Pictures

One thing I realized while recently going through old photos was that there are very few pictures of me between the ages of 14 and 19. You see, I was in an abusive relationship. I had my once vibrant and endless self-esteem taken from me by an older man who took more than just that. For five years I was hidden away from the world and my friends and even my family. I had no joyful times or travels or anything other than misery to possibly capture on film. The few times I did snap some pics were mostly of still life/nature things. I have no idea what I looked like or how a camera would have captured my misery, or not, during this time. It seems once I escaped the clutches of abuse, the camera was once again an often present companion seeking out new adventures and friends and things. I also realized that there are very few pictures of my little brother and sister after my mom left.

Pictures are a funny thing. We love to look at our parents old pictures and laugh at their hairstyles or fashion choices. We love to see our grandparents wedding photos and sigh and swoon at the old timey romance of it all. Baby pictures are typical fare and are a great conversation starter for family gatherings; everyone saying the infant in question looks like old so and so. Then you reach whatever age it is that self-consciousness feels like knives in your face and you don’t want your picture taken or for anyone to see photos from your past, either. And if you were fat before or during this “whatever age” then it can be all the more painful to see or remember.

The thing is though, pictures are bookmarks in time. That Smurf top from Kindergarten? My fave! Oh how I wish they could make that exact top with the peter pan collar and key hole tie in front in my size now! I loved that shirt so much. It may have been the first and last item of white clothing I’ve owned. Ha-ha! And I know that at that age I wasn’t yet concerned about the giant gap in my front teeth. This was before the bullying and the abuse, before mom left. Before I cared what anyone thought of me. I was terrified of adults that weren’t my parents at the time, but kids? I loved them all and instantly made friends, if even for an hour, on the playground of the local parks. Without that picture of my five-year-old self in front of the kindergarten playground in my Smurf top I might not remember all of those details.

And some of you  may recall my post about a picture I’d found from when I was about 15 or 16. It still surprises me what others see in photos of me. There was a picture of me looking very odd and sort of out of it and a friend’s boyfriend at the time said I looked super hot in that picture. I thought it looked like someone else entirely. Perception is a funny thing. And it changes so much over time. And this is why I ask you all to take more photos! You may not enjoy or appreciate them now, but you will, I promise! I can look at that photo from back when and see the innocence I’d once had. And to look back and actually think, “Wow, I don’t know what that boys’ problem was, I was fucking hot!!!” it’s fun and nice. I think about how far I’ve come since then I have to step back and breathe for a minute. It’s just astounding!

If you’re reading this, you’ve already decided for yourself that there is a better and healthier way to live your life than the bullshit self-hate/diet cycle. You’ve already realized that you’re better than that. You’re on your own journey toward self-acceptance or perhaps you’ve been on your journey for some time now and all of this is old hat. Either way, take more pictures! You don’t have to share them online if you’re not ready, but it is quite fun/exciting/liberating sometimes. No one says you have to take nudie shots or whatever. I’m more talking about capturing moments in time anyway. But whatever you do, just do it for you. Do it for the future you and your future relatives and whatnot, because someone will enjoy them!

I highly recommend practicing taking pictures on your own first. It is how I learned what angle/face/etc looks best or works best for me. I even went out of my way on occasion to take the worst pics ever so as to not repeat later on and to see just how “bad” they could be. This way you also control who has access to those pics and wether or not you’d like to keep or delete them. Gotta love digital cameras! Now I don’t shy away from the camera anymore. In fact, I don’t even shy away from the video camera! I recorded a video of my friends and I singing the other night and I am enjoying the editing process simply because my inner critic seems to be on permanent vacation! I love it!

So, invite some friends over, have a few drinks, bust out the camera and see what happens! It sounds like a super fun time and you should totally invite me over, too! Ha-ha! Seriously though, once you get passed all of the body hate we place upon ourselves, often unwittingly, you can start to appreciate and have fun with this stuff. Try different angles or candid shots or action shots. There is nothing I like to see more than fat-in-action shots! Which, hey, I need to take some of those! Put up a fun/funny background and do silly portraits or corny poses. Wear matching scarves or something and have a blast! Once you start, if you allow yourself some judgment free head space and time, I know you will start to enjoy it, too.

**************************

I hope you are ready to experiment, not just with taking pictures, but of trying the other steps in this series. Have you been liking this latest series of posts? Have you tried any of the steps? I would love to hear from you! In fact, I would love some guest posts with your thoughts/experiences/pics/etc from the series.
Please hit me up! notblueatall at notblueatall dot com

You can “Like” this blog on Facebook for additional content, articles, random thoughts, outfit pictures and more.

This is the fourth in a series of things that have helped me, I believe in, or people have asked me to share. Basically, things I do or think or whatever that have helped me be a better person, activist and positive fat lady. Check out  Step 1,  Step 2, and Step 3

Step 4: Be Honest, Even When It Scares Them/You

This one is tricky for a few reasons, but I have been pushing myself more and more to be utterly and completely honest and it has proven to be surprisingly awesome! My only rule with this one is to never be rude. You can be honest without offending, you just have to be tactful and occasionally more creative in your vocabulary. Ha-ha!

There is something very powerful and empowering about being completely honest.You often hear people saying how “real” someone is and how they admire that about that person. You’ll hear someone talking about being “your most authentic self” and how liberating that is. I have heard this stuff over and over but it wasn’t until I stopped lying all together that it became invaluable to me. My world views have shifted and I see and think more clearly now, I think. I often give advice to friends on a variety of matters, but lately I have been pushing them to be more honest than they have ever been before. And guess what? It works!

The hardest part is starting with yourself. Stop lying to yourself, about yourself, just stop it! Stop lying about your age, your weight, your height, your income, your family, your shoes…just stop! You’re not helping anyone and you may not realize it, but you are in fact hurting yourself. Because you know what the truth is, you know the truest you. You know how it feels to be truly proud of an accomplishment versus lying about one. So why bother? It ain’t worth it! Once you can stop lying to and about yourself, you can stop lying to others and about others, too. It’s fun, I promise!

There was a point in my old career where people began to ask how I moved up so quickly in such a large company. The truth was that I wasn’t really trying as hard as I could, but that I’d put my intentions/desires out there as soon as I realized what they were and people responded to my directness. I enjoyed helping others and training them and streamlining our processes and so I quickly developed a relationship with our trainer and let it be known that I would love to step into a similar role if one should arise. A few months later she moved on and I moved up! Plain and simple. I always felt like an outsider, but I did my job well. I loved the shit out of that job, honestly. I miss it. But I only ever truly pushed myself for that job a couple of times. Somehow it just came easy to me, perhaps because of my passion for the job, but it rarely felt like “omzsomuchwork!”

We are all so afraid to appear vulnerable, ignorant, weak or any other thing that could be deemed “less than.” Somehow I hadn’t caught onto that so much and so I had no issue with telling someone they sucked or that something could be done more efficiently. The key though is to not be rude. Don’t actually tell that guy “YOU SUCK” you have to use words that get the point across without making the person feel like a heel. Sometimes all I wanted to do was to yell at someone, but that just isn’t how things get done in the corporate world and I learned as I went. And I gained a lot of attention and accolades for what I was able to accomplish in my short time in that position.  And if only I knew what was to come next, man, it would have been so awesome!Ha-ha! This is the period of my life when I got married, went on my European honeymoon and found fat acceptance all at once. So yeah, honesty? No problem!

What you say and do in the world matters. You have a circle of influence. You affect people. So why not do so positively?! I had an interview recently for a position I thought I’d applied for with the title, “Bad Ass Admin” and I couldn’t help myself from falling in love with that moniker. Okay, it’s on my blog’s business cards already, but to apply for a job with that title? Amazeballs! So I applied and they responded, how could they not*, and went to the interview. Yeah, let’s just say that the interview went fine and all, but I made a bit of a fool of myself by not cross-checking my stuff first. D’oh! I went to an interview alright, but not for a “Bad Ass Admin.” No I interviewed as a Bad Ass for an Office Manager job. Oops, my bad! What’s funny is how good it felt not to wear the typical suit bullshit I would have, but I also went into it unprepared for the actual job available.

Here I was telling them how awesome I was and how I’d consider a lower wage if I could keep the “Bad Ass” in my title. They must have thought I was a lunatic! I felt like I was, in retrospect. Ha-ha! But it felt good at the time and I have since reconsidered what is “appropriate” versus what is typical/expected/scripted/bullshit. It is absolutely liberating! Funny thing, as much as that whole thing influenced how I approach interviews and even applications now, that original job never so much as responded to my initial application email! Sadly, neither did the actual interviewer for that other job. Oh well. I really do feel like it was their loss now. And it is, because I am a Bad Ass Admin and I don’t care who knows it!

I give you my deepest respect and sympathies and all for those of you in the modern dating world. I don’t know that I could manage it, honestly. But to date in the technology era is to play a game without any rules, it seems. So I say why not scare the hell out of them? With honesty! Be you and only you and see who sticks around, I say! Better to weed out the jerks and players before you get attached to one. It seems we play games even without trying now days and this makes me sad, yo. I mean, is it so terrible to be open and honest? I don’t think it is. I think if your honesty freaks someone out, that is all them and not you. And hopefully you’ll soon find exactly what you’re looking for in a relationship. I seriously do not see how presenting yourself as something you’re not will help you find true love or even a decent relationship. It’s time to get real and keep it there!

Soon you will wince when you feel a lie cross your lips or tickle your tongue. Soon you’ll feel bothered by people’s remarks about how “flattering” something looks or jeans that make “anyone’s ass look perfect” because you’ll know better and you will have lived a more authentic experience in your own life because of it. It’s work, I won’t have you believe otherwise. You’re breaking down some social barriers. But when you can step back and see how things are just better without the lies? Well, it’s a lot like walking away from dieting and scales and shame and guilt and all of that bullshit. It feels good because you’ll own your words without worry. You’ll be your most authentic self and you will smile easier and not worry about what other people think. Besides, you stopped giving a damn anyway! <3