I would like to introduce you fine people to my friend Rachel! She just started her blog: http://theredheadedschemer.blogspot.com/ and I love it already! I “met” Rachel last September when she and her friend Adrienne interviewed me for a blogtalkradio.com show. It was so fun and we’ve stayed in touch since.

I love encouraging new bloggers and giving shout outs to those I feel deserve them. Rachel falls right into this category! Plus, she’s a bad ass! She is so creative and funny and well, a great friend! Her blog will cover all sorts of things, surely, but her inaugural post covers one of my fave things to discuss: Pleasure!

So check it out, say Hello! Tell her who sent ya over there and give her some love! <3

Tomorrow is International No Diet Day.
I know what I’ll be doing.
How will you celebrate?

Do something kind to your body and for your self.
You are worth every ounce of effort and love in the world.
Now believe it and when you’re ready, own it!
<3
S

I had such a glorious day off yesterday. I had zero plans other than two errands and one of those got cancelled, so it was pretty chill. I love that! And it was about 70 degrees all day; perfection in my book. I was feeling so swell in fact that I wore an actual dress! I know, nuts, right? Okay, so I wore leggings under the dress, but mostly because it wasn’t that hot out and I didn’t have tights handy. I had been wanting to wear the dress since I got it from the ever stylish Nicole. She had brought it to the S.F. clothing swap just for little old me (what a doll, right?). But it’s been strange spring weather and I wasn’t feeling it, ya know? Until yesterday, that is. Can ya tell?

Yes, that’s my little puggy man there having his nappy time. Ha-ha! The dress was originally from Alight.com and I had wanted a top in this same fabric/print so bad but they had sold out of my size. Boo! But Nicole was such a sweetie pie and gave me this dress of hers. I know you can’t see the leggings, but they are from Torrid with the lace at the ankle. Basic. I haven’t a clue where the hat came from. Back of my car is all I know. Ha-ha! Perhaps Ross Dress For Less? That sounds about right. I just wore flip-flops with this. It was lovely!

I have several dresses now but always hesitate to wear them. Mostly due to either chub rub issues or my legs showing issues. Leggings help and my good friend Amanda linked me to this Leggings DIY video so I may give it a go on my own:

For Today’s TMI Tuesday we will explore our fantasies. Any/all of ’em! If this may be triggering for you or you’d simply rather not know my sexytimes wishes, please come back on another day. Thanks so much!

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Oh fantasy?! Such a varied topic, no? I love it! Where possibilities are only as limited as your imagination. Where celebrities and neighbors are equally sexy and the deeds to be done may be dirty and/or cheap! Ha-ha! And I’m not talking about your sleepy time dreams here. No, I’m talking about the ones you create in your mind! To pass the time, to lift your spirits or to inspire you!

I ask that you share a fantasy of your own in comments (you may be anonymous if you like, I think) and I shall share one of my own. Feel free to get as explicit (or not) as you like. No judgment zone here! No back stories needed! Just dive on in…the water is just fine! <3

My Fantasy: It’s always the same, right? I head out to another rock show after so many. So why am I so not looking forward to this one? Ugh! I’ve seen this band before, they are amazing, but will it even be different? Ah well, better find a place near the stage at least.
The band plays, they are amazing. It feels like he’s looking at me…but that can’t be! I always think that. Ha-ha! I’m so silly! The just get into their final encore when I make my way towards the side exit, hopefully I’ll beat the crowd. I can barely hear anything over the screaming, they must be done. Well, it was a good show. Too bad about that asshole behind me. Why do drunk-ass people insist on talking to everyone so close?! Dude, it’s call gum, get some! Ha-ha! This exit is a bit odd. Maybe I made a wrong turn. Oh look, there’s security, maybe they can tell me how to get the hell outta here. “Excuse me–” Security, “You’ll have to wait here for a second, miss.” “Oh, I just wan–” “I’m sorry, I can’t let you past for just a minute until it’s all clear.” he says. All clear? What the hell does that mean? Oh well. It’s not like I’m rushing anywhere, really. Holy–He’s coming out this door into THIS HALLWAY!!! Oh Maude! Here he comes…there goes the drummer…right passed me! “Hi! You were great!” I say to her. She’s so beautiful! Did she even break a sweat out there? Damn! Ohmyshit! “Hey…Oh! Uh, Hi!” He says. “Wha?” I half breathe out. Is he fucking talking to me? This is not happening…but he’s standing right in front of me. Why is he looking right at me? “Hi. You were–” I stammer. He gives the security guard a nod. The security guard nods back and looks back towards the backstage and he slips into the door opposite. The security guard comes back to me and I’m in a daze. “Right this way miss.” Security guard says to me. “Huh? Wha? I just…” I’m being lead into the door opposite the backstage door. Is this the exit? Friggin catacombs or something man, I just wanna get out of here.

I’m suddenly face to face with Him. He’s drying off his face and neck with a small black towel. Oh gawd, he looks so amazing. You needn’t a towel! I’d gladly lick you dry! Ha-ha! But I could never say that! “Hi.” He’s smiling at me! ME?! What is happening? Did I blackout or something? Shit, did that drank-ass slip me something? What is…”Hi.” He’s talking to me? What in the…”Are you alright?” He’s asking Me?! Oh shit! I’m screwed. Say something coherent, dammit! “I’m, uh…I’m…You were…I’m sorry.” I suddenly can’t breathe. My throat just ran away or something. Shit shit shit! “Here! Have some water.” He’s handing me a bottle of water. I watch as the sweat from the water bottle and his own mingle and all I want to do is lick those luscious hands of his. He catches me swooning over his hands. Shit! “Um, is this okay?” I snatch the bottle and take a large swig before answering. *gasp-gasp* “Yes, thank you very much. Really, you’re too–” he cuts me off by holding up a single digit. My eyes are transfixed on it. I want so much to feel that finger, to taste it to know it! He walks up close to me. His eyes never leave mine. He gets to within an inch of my face. I look down and to the right. My cheeks flush. I can feel my ears turning red with the rush of blood. He lifts my chin to meet his gaze. “I can’t–I think–No!” he says as he drops his hand from my chin and takes a step back and looks around the room. I’m so befuddled I can’t think. I focus on the water bottle. I’m drinking it like I’m in a contest or something. “Are you hot? Here, have a seat.” he offers an antique tapestry sort of chair. I go to walk towards it but can’t move. C’mon feet! Get to movin’, will ya?! Ugh! He places his hand on the small of my back, gently guiding me towards the chair. I sit and the chair groans. “Sorry, I’ve had this chair for ages. It was in my house growing up. I think it was my great-grandmother’s.” he explains. “That’s so nice.” I manage. I feel like such an idiot. I must seem like the worst fan girl right now. He’s going to kick me out as soon as he find the chance to, I just know it!

“I’m sorry if I’m making you uncomfortable, but when I saw you in the hallway I just, well…I was so taken with you. I know I have sort of a reputation with red haired women and all, but, well, you seem so different.” He says as he sort of crouches/squats to eye level with me next to the chair. “With me?” I ask. “Yes, of course.” he says. “I don’t understand.” I say, plainly. “I wish I could explain it to myself, but…well? I don’t know what to say. I just, you captured all of me.” he looks away bashfully. But how could this rockstar-god be bashful? Around me? Nah! This is crazy! I must have passed out and am not in full-on hallucination mode, right? “I don’t want you to be uncomfortable. If you want to leave, you can. I’ll get John to escort you out safely.” he starts to get up and walk towards the door. When did he shut that door anyway? “No! I mean, it’s okay. I’m not uncomfortable. Thank you for the water. I’m not really sure what it is that you say “captured you” but I will stay as long as you want me to.” I say to him. Oh gawd, please stay!

He takes one of my hands and electricity shoots through it straight to my heart. I’m flushed all over again! He smiles at this. My wedding ring catches the light and twinkles. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I—uh…I see you’re married? I’m married, too. It’s so nice to have found someone to have and to hold, forever. Isn’t it?” he asks, his face the picture of expectation. “Yeah. I mean, I knew you were married. You’re a dad. You’re amazing!” what the hell did I just say? Oh man, this is awful. Why am I even talking?! What could he possibly want with me? I’m a lunatic! “I mean no disrespect, I just. Well, I would be honored if you let me kiss you. Just, just on the cheek.” He seems surprised by his own words. This poet? This craftsman of melody and lyrics. This singer of my heart and soul. I shoot up out of the chair to meet his eyes once again. “Yes!” I say, trying not to sound desperate or needy. He kisses my cheek like a total gentleman. I feel the back of his hand softly brush it, too. I feel all swoony and dizzy and just grab the back of his hair and kiss him fully and deeply on the mouth. His tongue shoots into my mouth and dances like no other. It is a tango of two tongues, locked in a frenzy.

I nearly fall back into the chair. I look up at him again and he is looking down at me with his mouth agape. “But I want you now. And so there it is.” he says in a graveled whisper. My voice catches in my throat and I can’t say a word but find myself scanning the room for something I don’t know what. He kneels in front of me, I’m in the chair, his hands on top of mine which are on top of my knees. He moves his hands up my arms and stops at my shoulders. I grab his right hand and hold it up to inspect it. He seems confused at first, but then I hold it to my cheek and softly kiss each line of his palm. You can feel the tension in the room. Time has frozen and it’s just us here, alone. I do the same to his left hand. His eyes watching as though dining on the finest meal. “Please?” he says, his perfect eyebrows raised in question. I release his powerful hands to do as they wish and he cups my left breast while sweetly kissing the tops of my bosoms. I stand up, pushing him away. “I’m so sorry, I–” he starts. “No, I just–” I grab the bottom of his red t-shirt and he helps me get it off his torso. Oh how I’d longed to see this pale flesh before me. I can’t help myself now. I am filled and overcome with desire. I start kissing his chest when he stops me and motions for a nearby chaise I hadn’t noticed. It’s gold velvet and is covered in shirts and towels and things. He guides me over, holding my hand like a duke would a duchess and I try not to run.

As he motions for me to sit, I slip off my shoes and he slides off my jeans. He is so gentle, yet firm. So sweet, yet the electricity is painfully obvious. “Are you sure you don’t mind? he asks. I throw my head back and laugh. I pull off my top and I stop, catch my breath and say, “Mind? I want no other.” and he spreads my legs for the softest taste. He grabs my ass and thrusts his tongue into me. I had no chance of catching the moan before it escaped my lips. It had to come out! And it’s so lovely and deliciously sweet. As I cum he gently rubs my belly. He reaches up to my breast and licks and sucks and finally bites my nipple. Then the same with the other. I am trying desperately to gain some semblance of composure while trying to get his pants off. “I want to taste it!” I whimper. “Please, let me have  all of you.” he says as he slips on a condom. He looks deep into my eyes as he glides his cock into my already satisfied pussy. “How have we never met before tonight?” he says as he thrusts into me, pausing and then thrusts again. “Does it matter?” I say. I grab his glorious arms, pulling him into me again and again. I’m screaming like a banshee when finally he cums, eyes up in his head. He collapses onto me and I stroke his hair. “Thank you.” I say to him, still stroking his hair and playing with his ears. “What?!” he says with great confusion. “You amaze me. You satisfy me. You made me cum. Thank you!” I say explain. He laughs at this.

“Please tell me I can see you again?” he says, hoping/asking. “But we’re both married. You’re a dad. I love my husband. This was like nothing else and I will cherish the memory always.” I say, looking deeply into his now sad eyes. “I’ll never know you?” he asks. “But you do. Right now. You know me.” I offer. He starts to get up and looks embarrassed. I stand up and kiss him again. He holds my head to his chest. I can feel his breath grow deeper again. “Please. At least tell me your name, give me your number, let me know that you exist outside of this room?!” he begs. I’m speechless. This man of my dreams, this god of the stage wants to know I exist?! I smile. I hold him tight. I cling to his chest as though his breath was my own. “But it can’t be.” I say. And I let go and leave the room. Still straightening my top as I grab the doorknob. His hand covers mine. Our eyes lock up once again. Then he lets go and turns away. I leave the room and wonder if I’ll ever be the same again. (And if this were truly the ultimate he’d write a song and only I would know it was about me.)

I was having a good long talk with an old friend the other night. She’s going through a tough time and well, frankly, so am I. It seems we’re both at a crossroads in our lives and while her problems are more immediate and urgent, it brought up a lot of stuff for me, too. I adore her and have known her since we were in the eighth grade (over 20 years, chi’ren). I was both surprised and relieved that she, too, forgets that she’s a girl sometimes. That sometimes you spend so much time in your head that you actually forget your gender. Not that I think for a moment, “Wait, am I male or female?” it’s more just a forgetting of my own sense of self overall.

I mentioned the other day that I realized I have a very hard time asking for anything. Sometimes though, I think it might be because I don’t know what it is I want or I am either afraid of asking for something that may seem unreasonable or even ridiculous. This came up for me again while chatting with my lovely friend because part of her recent issues have been because of the attention of come of the men in her life. It has been so long since she’d had such positive attention that she is suddenly unsure of how to even deal with it. And we talked about what she wants and doesn’t want and how she could go about that. I couldn’t help but feel a tinge of jealousy. Not that I would take anything from her, she’s amazing and awesome and I’m not the only one who thinks so. But it was that positive male attention! Wow! I miss that!What? I know, I’m married. But it’s different. And things haven’t been the same, I think, since I opened the cafe…maybe even before that!

I was struck by the story of a friend of hers she’d known for ages that suddenly hit on her. Well, let me rephrase that. He said she was “infinitely beautiful.” She was so against the notion. She couldn’t even hear it let alone accept it. She said, “Look, I know I’m cute, but I’m not beautiful.” And I said to her, “But ya are! Ya are infinitely beautiful!” Because, let’s face it, this gal has never been in want of male attention. Same with me, but she puts me to shame in this realm. She doesn’t think so, but I know it’s true. I never stole a single one of her men of interest…but let’s leave it at that! She is beautiful. She is also charming as hell (she didn’t buy that either). So it broke my heart to hear that she still carries so many of the insecurities that I used to have. About aging, about body image…all that stuff! And here I am, older and fatter than ever and I’m actually totally okay with that and me. I mean, my body is rad. No qualms there. But…but?

But damn do I miss the attention. The wooing! The winning of my heart. Not just the chase and the dance that is the dating scene, but just having someone who still wants to impress you or not even that, just that they want you. I just want to feel wanted and needed and desired! Oh man! That is it right there. I forget that I’m a girl because no one treats me like one. So yeah, when someone suddenly does? You can’t help but notice. And I, vicariously, will have to live it through her. To hear the things that have been said to her? Swoon! How could anyone blame her? Well, they shouldn’t, anyway.

No, my marriage isn’t broken or whatever they call it now days. It’s fine. We’re just having a tough time of living, ya know? It’s hard to want to do anything when you’re so broke you have to consider breathing a fun pastime. I think we’re both depressed weather or not we wanna admit it. So who the hell feels like wooing anybody?! And even when I am full of that lusty desire, I freak out about showing or asking for it. And I end up hating myself for it, too. Ugh! I thought I was so confident, especially with my husband. But I am not. It’s a struggle. Even now. I can somehow manage to press on and open my own cafe, but asking my husband to seduce me? Ha-ha! I can’t do it!

What many don’t realize is that long-long-term relationships (13 years, y’all!) go through cycles. There are times when you’re just not in love like you were and you get through those times because you still love the person and find them dead sexy and all, but the spark comes and goes. A couple of months ago I fell for my guy all over again! It was like magic! But he didn’t know what the hell to do with all of the attention and so I laid off. I was surprised by this reaction, but I respected it. But shit, man! I just want him to want me like he used to. And it sucks knowing that he doesn’t (he hasn’t said so, I just feel it, ya know?).

And there is it and that is that. I share these things with you and I wonder why. But it helps. Sometimes I’ll write a post like this and have an epiphany either from a comment (please comment! Ha!) or just thinking it over again in my head and I get an answer! This is life and there’s never a quick fix. I know. But like I said, this helps. Just getting it out there helps. So thank you for reading this blog and my problems and always just being there to bear witness to it all or to comment and help or share your own issues. I am so grateful to have you all in my life and the fat acceptance community, too! <3