Can we all agree it’s just wrong to judge people?

I’m sure we’ve all at least heard of a certain big box store chain that people secretly take pictures of their patrons and post them on a certain web site (the people of…). I recently got a touch caught up in a thread on facebook about this specific site. A friend had posted about it saying something to the effect of it is just wrong wrong wrong to body shame and make judgments about people. Her friends didn’t agree. They felt that a post on that website was in fact deserved since the woman was wearing “two bandaids and a cork” (which sounds painful, where does the cork go?) and this woman should have more respect and should think of the children!!!

What in the hell and the how? I mean, really?! Look, I get that some people may have a preference for certain fashion norms. I understand that you may have been raised to dress a certain way in a given environment. But hey, not everyone buys into that or was raised that way. I don’t think it’s right to judge anyone, period. Not on how they dress or look or what have you. Our actions should speak for themselves. When you judge someone on their appearance you are making many assumptions about them. You wouldn’t want those assumptions made about you, I would think. They may dress a certain way and see nothing wrong with it. Who the hell thinks about children when getting dressed in the morning? F ’em all, I say!

I will wear what I want when I want to where I want. If you don’t want your children to see a giant fat lady? Keep ’em at home! I am sick of society protecting and always thinking of the children. Why can’t you as a parent just explain to your child that different people dress in different ways and have different body types and that is what makes the world go around? I would. I don’t believe I was ever protected from this shit as a kid anyway. Part of learning is seeing the world around you and deciding for yourself how you feel about it.

I’m not saying that I’ve never judged people, but I stopped judging others when I realized it only made me judge myself more harshly. But body policing? When is that okay? NEVER! But to say that someone has to dress a certain way? Not cool (and it gets me all riled up, frankly). It just goes back to all of those bullshit fashion rules we were taught growing up. Nor horizontal stripes if you’re a fatty fatterson? Bullshit! You should see what I’m wearing today (grey and black striped v-neck from Avenue, thank you). White shoes after labor day? Fuck that! Fuck all of these stupid goody-goody proper-bullshit rules. I’m so done with that.

The point of my friend’s post was simply about the site itself and how wrong it is for people to take people’s pictures in secret only to post and ridicule the person online. It’s wrong! It’s bullshit! It’s what is wrong with society today. We somehow think it’s okay to do this? Since when? Oh yeah, since the internet. Ha-ha! Not really, but I was raised to believe that we’re all equal, no one is better or worse. I still believe this. It keeps me grounded. It allows me to see people and the world on a somewhat more even playing field. I know stuff is shitty in the world, I’m not delusional. But shit y’all, you cut someone? They bleed! End of story!

That site is offensive. It should be offensive to anyone and everyone who views it. Yet somehow it is still up and still getting new posts. It perpetuates classism, ablism, sizism, sexism…every “ism” there is! It takes more than a simple dissenting voice to rid the world of this shit, but it can’t hurt, ya know? And what if it was your mom or brother or aunt or granny on the site? Would you still ridicule or play the blame and shame game? I don’t think you would, but I don’t know you, so I couldn’t possibly know what you would do. Funny that.

Your thoughts?

You may not know it from just reading this blog o’ mine, but it seems that I have in fact been in hiding, y’all. I hadn’t actually realized it myself until Monday night at karaoke with my two BFFs. Jery bought the first round of drinks and as we were about to toast (Wyder’s pear cider, yo!) he leans over and says to me, “I’m so glad you finally decided to come out.” gobsmacked, I replied, “Have I been in hiding or something?” to which he said, “Well, yeah, it felt like it.”

Wow! Truer words have never been spoken. I do feel as though I’ve come out of some sort of hiding/cloistering period. I guess I just hadn’t thought of it that way. The thing is, I used to go out at least once a week. Usually to karaoke with the boys, but then it stopped being fun, I ran out of moolah and got super tired and depressed. It happens. I got so caught up in my own stress and anxieties that I’d forgotten to have fun. What a huge missing piece of my giant self-care puzzle, right?! Whew! So happy I’ve found it!

And it wasn’t actually that sudden of a thing, either. I think the fat clothing swap in San Francisco a couple of months ago (was it that long?) really kicked things off and reignited my fatty activist passion. Then of course meeting so many fabulous local fats helped and soon I found my social calendar filling up! Who knew? I do remember a point where I was scrambling to fulfill plans made and even canceling some for both personal (anxiety/panic) and logistic reasons.

The fat flesh mob with Marilyn Wann in S.F. for International No Diet Day was another big push in the right direction. It certainly reminded me in an indelible way just how important and needed the fat acceptance movement is and why I am committed to being a part of it and furthering its goals (equality, anyone?). The burlesque class* that made me realize that I could feel sexy again! And somehow it all culminated in this past weekend with the BBW dance night in Oakland and then karaoke on Monday? Well, what a wild ride and a blast! And I’m still standing! Fun didn’t kill me! Ha-ha!

I guess I do tend to cloister myself reflexively. I stay where I can control my environment and interactivity. I stick with what’s comfortable and easy and low maintenance and stress. It’s why sometimes I just can’t want to try a new restaurant while other times I’m jumping at the chance. My husband both help and hurts this type of self-preservation things depending on what end of the spectrum we each are on at that time. I used to think being a homebody was some terrible waste of time or whatever. Now I totally get it! I do!

I would like to thank my friends, new and old, for sticking by me and being so patient and kind to me. P&J for being my all-time cheerleaders and the tough love givers when they somehow know the time is right. Steph for making me feel like we were in high school talking on the phone about all things boys for hours! Virgie Tovar for being so fucking sweet and awesome and helping me feel sexy again! Carmen for accompanying me to the burlesque class and getting out of your comfort zone…you sexy bitch! Marilyn Wann for making me see you in a whole new light (human? Yep, totally!) and putting one of my dreams into reality (fatty flash mob!). Jeanette & Jessica for inviting me out, making me feel welcome and for making me feel like a girl, too! Twistie for always somehow knowing the right thing to say to me, keeping me sane. Psycho Sue and Rachel for being such amazing and supportive bad asses even though y’all live so very far away from me. WithoutScene for actually wanting to put up with my random-ass chat sessions (ha-ha!) and inspiring me and making me see my own potential. Amanda for making me so hopeful for the hardworking college folks out there! What you are doing is amazing, I don’t know why you don’t have a  fan club yet! Kath for inspiring me and being a super fatty blog mentor to me (without you realizing even). Of course, my husband, Bryan for being my rock and my best friend and putting up with my chaos (even though he’s never seen this blog–he’s aware of it). And my regular  here and my regular customers at the cafe for lifting my spirits by just saying hi! Thank you for that!

If you’ve never left a comment, please do. I forget anyone reads this sometimes and it really does help me keep going.  

Not sure how this ended up all sappy…meh, whatever. Go with it! Ha-ha! Thanks y’all! You rock my socks!
<3
S

(To the tune of Lady Gaga’s “Boys Boys Boys”)

This TMI Tuesday post is all about Sex Toys! If this doesn’t interest you, you’d rather not know about my sex life or toy preference, or you’re at work and don’t wanna get in trouble, do come back tomorrow for your regularly scheduled random fatty talk right here on my blog-a-ma-thing. Thanks!

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On my recent visit to Good Vibrations for that fabulously fun Burlesque class a couple of weeks ago (oh how time flies!) I picked up a toy I’d been looking at online.  I loved the color and the feel of the outside of it and the length seemed fab, too! But then, like so many toys, it left me unimpressed and generally dissatisfied. I know, for $22 what do I expect?! Well, I expected something! Perhaps I had high expectations, but that $22 is hard won for me (more than a week’s worth of work/tips) and so I always have high hopes when spending my dough.

See? It’s perty!

The last toy I purchase was the Butterfly Kiss and while I have enjoyed it a couple of times, it’s length is problematic (the butterfly doesn’t actually do anything for my clit as it either doesn’t reach or is so weak as to be meaningless). I do appreciate the design of it though. And again, the price was great at $18.

Mine’s the pink one.

So compact yet powerful!

I randomly came across this article while Tumbling my day away and felt compelled to read it. When I got to this paragraph I couldn’t stop reading anyway (Emphasis mine):

Acceptance came when I finally shut up and listened to what women around me were saying, what they’d always been saying, what my own life was telling me: that the physical, mental, spiritual violence that men commit against women is so wrapped in the fabric of society that it seeps into our subconscious, poisons our relationships to each other and ourselves. It’s a matter of life and death, not just because of the enormous amount of men that kill women every year but because of the lethal fallout of the patriarchal mindset, which asks us to make insanely unhealthy choices in the name of ‘manning up.’

And then this:

Despite what we’re told, people are hungry to talk about how privilege and power keeps us apart and holds us back. Young men know what’s going on, feel the strain of what they’re supposed to be, but our institutions won’t give them the language of how to talk about it, how to make sense of it, how to survive. What we’re left with is locker room banter and bad tv, an epidemic of crap media culture telling us how to be who we are.

And I see it and have lived it, too. Privilege! It seems to come up almost once a day lately, if not more so. I hadn’t considered it though when examining my own past and abuse. Now? Now I’m looking at it all differently. And people love to pretend that this shit doesn’t happen. Or it only happens to certain groups or individuals or what have you. The truth is that domestic violence happens all of the time, right under our noses. I know this because I survived it. I lived through a horrific ordeal that I will never forget. I live with the post traumatic stress of it and must deal with that everyday.

Like so many harsh realities though, we as a society choose to believe it’s a rare occurrence or worse, the problems of only those suffering at the hands of the violence. The truth is that it affects all of us. We can pretend and deny it all we like, but it’s there! And it is up to each individual to fight against the stereotypes and peer pressures that keep us in this state.To speak up and out and to demand justice! To bring these things to the light and stop pretending and stop allowing others to pretend it’s not there, too.

I’ve often heard that abusers were abused themselves. I don’t know a thing about psychology and what may be behind this, but I can’t say that I believe it entirely either. My abuser may have been abused as a child or even later in life, I don’t know, but we choose how to conduct ourselves in the world. I feel that we are individually responsible for our own actions. But I can see how patterns of abuse can continue unaddressed for generations. We love to hide and lie, don’t we? (Humans, that is).

I have a difficult time even watching movies or television shows that depict anything close to what I experienced. Specifically, a film that I otherwise would have enjoyed, the reboot of “The Amityville Horror” which hit theaters in 2005, starring Ryan Reynolds. There were the classic horror stylings and scary moments that one might expect, but what freaked me out, pulled me out of the movie all together, were the scenes of the main character played by Mr. Reynolds, going after the wife character and what he was saying and trying to do to her. It rang too true for me. It made me nauseous, tense and jittery. It brought up a lot of stuff for me. While my friends were talking excitedly about the scary bits of the movie (the bathroom scene! Nice!), I couldn’t get my mind back into the present. I sort of mentioned this to my husband after the fact and can guarantee I will never watch it again.

And as I get older it seems I remember things more clearly and then have to address these sudden revelations/realizations in the context of my life as it is now. And it ain’t easy! But it is what I call self-work. I am at peace with a lot of my past. I don’t think I would go back and do things differently (it took so much to get me where I am now), but I also don’t think much could be done to change the course so to speak. Somehow that violence was dealt to me for some reason. Who knows? I choose not to perpetuate it. I choose not to strike out at people. I choose to manage my anger and frustrations. We all make choices. We all look back with a suspicious eye sometimes. But we need to keep having these difficult conversations about uncomfortable topics in order to rid the world of this shit, ya know?

What do you think?

If you would like to talk in a more private way, contact me directly: notblueatall@notblueatall.com I will not judge. I will not pity you. You can vent/rant/cry/yell/etc…

SAFETY ALERT!

Computer use can be monitored and is impossible to completely clear. If you are afraid your internet and/or computer usage might be monitored, please use a safer computer, and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

Reach out! Speak up! There is help and judgment-free people who can and want to help!

I am so fortunate and grateful to have had the television show “Roseanne” in my life as a kid/teen. Not only did the show offer amazing working-poor family representation, but it also made me feel less different and weird. Here was a fat woman and a fat man busting their humps trying to keep house and home for themselves and their three kids. Guess what? Sounds a lot like my family (minus a working mother). “Roseanne” approached otherwise taboo topics like lesbianism and labor rights long before our current equality and labor rights climates were on anyone’s radar. I can’t help but wonder how much of that show influenced my own feminism and thoughts on fat bodies and their presentations. In fact I have watched and re-watched the entire series (yes, even the last two seasons, they were still good fun) and still love it, if not more than ever!

I saw a bunch of people linking to an article called, “And I should Know” so I had to read it. I don’t follow Roseanne Barr’s blog like I used to, but I check in from time to time. I enjoyed seeing her on Oprah and was moved to tears watching the video they showed of her life on her macadamia farm in Hawaii. I had meant to save it for my husband (he wants to live off the land as they say), but accidentally deleted it from our DVR. Then a real treat happened when Ms. Barr guest hosts the Joy Behar show and had guest Michael Moore on! WOW! Two rad fatties (if only Mr. Moore was body accepting *sigh*) I adore on the same show?! Amazeballs! They talked truths, my friends. It was a radical moment for me in both uses of that word. I have not read any of Roseanne’s books, but mostly because I’m broke. I think she is a brilliant woman and is so underrated it is offensive!

Anyway, back to the article! I truly enjoyed reading about her fighting for proper credit due to her and how she went about it and how the staff helped her stay strong through some heavy bullshit. It’s a worthwhile read, I promise! I know she’s had some controversies and scandals and all of that shit…but she is a being in constant renewal and change. I identify with this as an abuse survivor, as a woman and a feminist. though her words can come across as harsh (I’m guilty of this, too), I find that when you get to the heart of her message (and her heart, too) you can see that she is speaking from a place of love and honesty. What more could you ask for?