Pretty much…

I’d responded to an ad on Craigslist for a singer in a goth band, something along the lines of Evanescence. The drummer responded to my inquiry and explained a bit about the band and it’s style. I responded with a bit about me including that I often sing Evanescence’s “Sober” at karaoke to rave reviews. I also included a link to my blog and pictures, my recent return to performing and my experience in the music industry back in the day (I did not ask about their image or anything along those lines).
This was their response:

“Hi Sarah!!!
That’s cool that you’re into music and have had experience in that field.  As far as image, we are looking for a slender model-like classically trained/opera singer.  Hmmmm…. Would you be interested in managing/booking/promoting?
Joey”

“Hi Joey,
No, I’ve done the whole promoting/booking stuff before. I’m looking to broaden my horizons and get out of my comfort zone.
Good luck to you.
Sarah”

Being in a band is on my “bucket list” and I will make this happen. No, goth wasn’t my first choice in a band or style, but I thought what the hay, it might be fun. Being turned down outright without allowing for an audition based entirely on my size/looks? Um…way to go bigots! Isn’t it funny how those who would be considered outsiders by the mainstream go along with the mainstream opinion on such stuff. Way to be…NOT!

So, my dream of a bad ass, fat ass, kick ass punk-pop-rock band will continue to be a dream…for now! One day it will come together and be so much fun that I won’t even remember this silly moment in time at all. It’s disappointing, sure, but not devastating. In fact for some reason I find it kind of hilarious. Why did I think I should be in a goth band anyway?! Ha-ha!

If you live in the SF bay area and play an instrument and wanna rock…HIT ME UP! 😉

Oooh! That awkward moment where you went to bed happy and healthy and woke up as the embodiment of DISEASE! OMZTEHOBEESSITTEEEEEEEEEE! It’s fucking ridiculous, all of the AMA bullshit. Ugh! I haven’t read up on it, to be honest, but I have shared all of the articles I’ve come across (and will catch up on them myself shortly) on this blog’s Facebook Page. Actually, I wasn’t truly surprised by the AMA decision. I mean, we (fatties) are already treated as though we’re diseased. Not only that, we’re treated as though we chose to have a disease. Like, “Hmm, I’m bored today. You know what? I think I’ll contract FAT!” Ha-ha! But I do feel as though more informed and intelligent fats have already written all there is to be said on this matter. So, please check out their stuff and come back here for my usual neurotic ranting. Ha-ha!
<3
S

(Trigger Warning: Food issues)

When I am not feeling like myself, as was the case yesterday (and really the day before as well), I have found that I also don’t treat myself as kindly as I should or would like to. I tend to let a lot of things slide. Specifically, eating food. Mind you, I’ll almost always manage to get some coffee/caffeine in me, but only to stave off the inevitable headache. Yes, I did not eat until 7:30 pm yesterday and of this I am ashamed. I know better. I had food in the house. I just wasn’t feeling well, and obviously not thinking straight either.

I recall the long ago days when I was 19 and 20 years old living on little more than Taco Bell, Lean Cuisine and Jose Cuervo. Blegh! I could never do that to myself again. I know I was so depressed and truly suffering through the worst of my PTSD at the time (though I hadn’t a clue then) but I also didn’t really know how to eat or care for myself, either. How could I? I know at one point my grandma was worried about me and would pack me lunches for work, even though I lived and worked twenty miles away. Gawd how I miss her. Not because of the lunches, mind you, but her caring and loving and sense of humor and hugs most of all.

It is when I am not taking care of myself that I am truly letting myself, and those I care about, down. My grandma would scold me for not eating all day like I did yesterday. I can picture the face she’d give me and then I know she’d dash into the kitchen and rustle up some combination of simple, filling and awesome. When my family had so little, we always had Sunday dinner at grandma’s house. I looked forward to it all week! My favorite was the simple little green salad she’d serve before the main course. I didn’t even know what courses were back then, but I knew salad was so special and rare and my favorite!

I suppose growing up in a food insecure household meant that continuing food issues would be inevitable. I hadn’t realized just how much of our childhoods affected us as adults, on this topic specifically, until two weeks ago when I literally had nothing to eat in the house and relied on B for dinner one evening and felt like utter shit for it. He made no bones about it, of course, but how I felt was so triggering and awful that the next morning I went to the grocery store and spent $100 on groceries just to be able to breathe again. *Sigh*

I think I have used not eating as a way of feeling as though I am in control of something in my life when so much is truly out of my control. Like this one thing? I got this! Ugh! This is not who I am or want to be. I have worked very hard to break these patterns and behaviors. So why does it pop back up so suddenly now? Really things are going great for the most part. I just need a job! That’s it! So simple, three letters, all the difference in the fucking universe! I would have at least some relief if I knew whether I’d be getting unemployment money coming or not. I should be getting the word any day now, but it’s killing me! I just need to know so I can find another means of paying my rent in time if need be. I don’t know how I’ll do that, but I’m sure I’ll hustle something up somehow.

I also felt like a big phony faker on Sunday night and I hated myself for it. I went to my BFF’s birthday dinner and felt lousy and truly didn’t want to be there. My boyfriend (OMZ! I cannot believe I have a boyfriend! Ha-ha!) was supposed to go with me, but had work stuff to tend to. It was nice to drive up with “Q” but I think even she could tell I wasn’t the usual me. I did my best not to show how yucky I was feeling, but inside I just wanted to run the fuck away and hide under the covers. But I missed Steph so much and so rarely get to see her and if I’d bailed this time I knew she’d hunt me down and kill me! Ha-ha! It wasn’t that I had a horrible time or anything, but I did have to sort of grin and bare it through the evening. I felt like an alien, to be honest. I felt like I was surrounded by all of these smart and put together people with cool jobs and awesome lives and adult problems and here I am barely able to hold it together. Ugh!

Today is a new day and I shall treat it as such. I know how to care for myself, certainly better than the last few days. I will be more mindful of how I am feeling and listen carefully to what my body needs. I distinctly recall three times yesterday where I heard my stomach growling and rather than paying attention and providing food/fuel for my body and brain I actually thought to myself, “Ugh! Why are you growling? Shut up!” Whoa! NOT ME! I guess I just needed some comforting and didn’t know how or who to ask for it. I mean, I don’t think anyone else even knew or could know at the time that I needed such a thing, maybe I didn’t even know. I know now. But I also know that I wasn’t doing much to comfort myself.

Self care takes many forms. First and foremost should be the basics like food and water. I have not struggled with that part in so long I guess I actually forgot for a bit there just how that felt and can spiral into worse. I am glad that I was able to recognize it before it got out of hand. I know that I used to starve myself rather than ask to borrow a dollar from a single soul back in those Lean Cuisine and Tequila days. Older and wiser, eh? Ha-ha! Okay, I can do this. I will do this…there is no try, only do! 😉

Today’s TMI Tuesday post isn’t salacious or exciting. It’s just about my feelings over recent fat happenings and my own personal struggles with access and financial status at the moment. If this doesn’t interest you, please come back another day for your regularly scheduled fat/Sarah’s emo talk. 🙂

So, I won’t be linking to anything here today. This shit is all over the damned web already, I choose not to contribute the traffic at all, thanks. And while I have been silent thus far, it is only because I hadn’t processed my own feelings about it. Specifically the whole Abercrombie bullshit scandal and the whole “fat people shouldn’t get PHDs” thing. Ugh! *EpicEyeRoll*

I haven’t touched either of these topics for one reason: I’m Poor! I say this not to gain sympathy, pity, charity or words of encouragement. I state it as a simple fact. I refuse to be ashamed. I refuse to hide it. It just is, so be it. My immediate future is so uncertain that I am forcing myself to keep that shit out of my mind as much as I possibly can. Here’s the truth though, last night I was filled with anxiety because of food insecurity. I felt like shit when B bought my dinner, again. Ugh! I know I am soooooo fucking lucky to have friends who can support me through meals or just general support and stuff. I am eternally grateful and tell them this often. It doesn’t change the fact that I couldn’t sleep because I didn’t know if I could eat the next day.

So this morning, realizing that I’d received my last paycheck direct deposit, I went grocery shopping. I went to this new Walmart grocery store and holy crap I got so much stuff for so little money! I’m hoping to stretch what I got for a few weeks or at least until I know where future monies will be coming from (new job, unemployment, etc.). Being with loving friends who also enjoy cooking inspired me. These are “broke bitches” after my own heart and believe me when I say that  “broke bitches” know how to take care of business and get shit done and make everyone in their life feel good, too. I am in awe of them both! So I loaded up on staples and produce and will hopefully come out of this scary period unscathed.

Because it is hella scary. I know I said I would keep all the bad things away, but I’m trying not to live in denial, either. I just gotta face this shit and keep moving ahead and hope and believe that thing will turn out alright. They just have to. So yeah, I bought groceries, but I feel a lot better overall because of it. I offered to cook dinner for B tonight and I’m excited to do it! This is progress, at least for me.

So, what does any of this have to do with the recent fat hate scandals? I always say, follow the money and the truth/intent will be found. The truth is that I’ve never had access or ever fooled myself into believe I could ever have access to either name brand clothing or a higher education. I was reprimanded by high school teachers when I explained that college would never be an option for me. Is it any wonder why I dropped out?! Ugh! I went to work full time at age sixteen and never looked back. The only time I longed to wear name brand clothing was in Junior High School when Guess jeans were all the rage and once my dad saw the price tag he snatched me up and outta the store on the double. Ha-ha!

If these entities have bias it has always been against the poor. If they are choosing to publicly hate on fatties? What the fuck else is new? I want no part of either. I choose to focus my time and attention on what I can in my own life and community. I know what has held me back that  I had control over and that is my own self esteem and general attitude towards life. Money? Psshht! I haven’t ever had control over that. It has ebbed and flowed as it pleases and I try not to get too hung up on that shit. It only distracts and dazzles and makes you want things you don’t need.

What has been difficult is getting invited to all the things by so many lovely and wonderful people but having to decline every single one because I’m too broke to buy a ticket, bring something or really leave the house much. This past weekend was such a luxury and really all I did was drive. My lovely friends really did take care of me. But I cannot expect nor count on that forever, nor would I want to. I don’t want to have to rely on such kindnesses, but I am so grateful that it’s there if needed.

All of my problems could be answered with such a simple thing: A full time job. That’s it! Not a six figure salary or retirement plan. No, simple is what I prefer anyway and really all I typically want. I’m pinning my hopes and thoughts on that dream job I interviewed for last week. I have to keep applying/looking for work though or my unemployment could get screwed. And if something comes along before the dream job I will have to take it. The thought hurts, but I gotta keep on keepin’ on as always, babies.

If you have tips, recipes, or just wanna share some love, hit me up! ;)  notblueatall@notblueatall.com

<3
S

Ugh! I was going to do a video today but I woke up feeling so tired and worn out and I have a big night tonight and then I saw an article/slideshow on Yahoo! that pissed me off SO HARD!!! Of course they’d put it on the front fucking page for everyone, of all sizes, to feel shitty about themselves first thing…ASSHOLES!!! I was just wanting to catch my horoscope (I love that shit). Here is the article, but I warn you that it is full of body shame. (And perhaps I am making a lot of assumptions below, but this was my gut reaction and I am going with my big, beautiful gut today.)

It is a series of photographs of a fat woman. She is unhappy with her life and has chosen to blame her fat body for it. This is what upsets me most. That she took these incredible images and chose to see the worst possible thing in them: her body? NO! Her body in those images is beautiful! The saddest is the “after” photos, post lap band, when she’s alone on the beach where she’d previously been surrounded by friends and when she’s saying goodbye to her boyfriend. She says, “I realized that I was capable of love and acceptance. I had been searching for this in my life…” Um…NO! Oh my gawd, NO!

I hate this messaging so much! You don’t have to have a ______ body to have love and acceptance in your life! You certainly don’t have to mutilate or amputate your insides in order to be happy or have confidence and acceptance. Her words are the antithesis of my own personal experiences. I know it’s hard to live in a fat body. I know it’s hard to love yourself in a fat body when society insists you shouldn’t, that you can’t and that you should be ashamed of yourself.

FUCK THAT!!!

This is a beautiful woman, “conventional” or not! This is an obviously talented photographer, too. Why didn’t her friends tell her this? Why didn’t they lift her up? You can see from the beach photo that her friends are smaller bodied, but are they shitty friends, too? I want to go back and tell this woman that she is incredible and amazing and beautiful and deserves all of the love and goodness in the world and SHE CAN HAVE ALL OF IT IN A FAT BODY!!!

I have all of it! I have a bigger body than she did and I am so full of love and acceptance. But I had to work for it. I had to insist upon better people and things and treating myself better first. I didn’t just stare out a window longing for my life to improve (okay, maybe I did a bit of that before I realized that I do in fact have control over how I feel on a given day).

I want to hug her and tell her that she deserves better and no one else will see that if she doesn’t give it to herself first. I would say this to anyone, though. We all deserve this! We all must find it in ourselves before we can expect it from others. I know this, I believe this and I see it in the world, too. Because deep down, no matter what your body looks like, if you don’t love and accept yourself you’ll never find happiness in the outside world.

An unhappy person will remain so without some self work, self love and self acceptance. When you tap into the wonders of you, you unlock the beauty and love you are and deserve, too. I hope she finds a way to see this within herself before the weight she lost is regained and she goes back to blaming her body size for her misery.