Can we all agree it’s just wrong to judge people?

I’m sure we’ve all at least heard of a certain big box store chain that people secretly take pictures of their patrons and post them on a certain web site (the people of…). I recently got a touch caught up in a thread on facebook about this specific site. A friend had posted about it saying something to the effect of it is just wrong wrong wrong to body shame and make judgments about people. Her friends didn’t agree. They felt that a post on that website was in fact deserved since the woman was wearing “two bandaids and a cork” (which sounds painful, where does the cork go?) and this woman should have more respect and should think of the children!!!

What in the hell and the how? I mean, really?! Look, I get that some people may have a preference for certain fashion norms. I understand that you may have been raised to dress a certain way in a given environment. But hey, not everyone buys into that or was raised that way. I don’t think it’s right to judge anyone, period. Not on how they dress or look or what have you. Our actions should speak for themselves. When you judge someone on their appearance you are making many assumptions about them. You wouldn’t want those assumptions made about you, I would think. They may dress a certain way and see nothing wrong with it. Who the hell thinks about children when getting dressed in the morning? F ’em all, I say!

I will wear what I want when I want to where I want. If you don’t want your children to see a giant fat lady? Keep ’em at home! I am sick of society protecting and always thinking of the children. Why can’t you as a parent just explain to your child that different people dress in different ways and have different body types and that is what makes the world go around? I would. I don’t believe I was ever protected from this shit as a kid anyway. Part of learning is seeing the world around you and deciding for yourself how you feel about it.

I’m not saying that I’ve never judged people, but I stopped judging others when I realized it only made me judge myself more harshly. But body policing? When is that okay? NEVER! But to say that someone has to dress a certain way? Not cool (and it gets me all riled up, frankly). It just goes back to all of those bullshit fashion rules we were taught growing up. Nor horizontal stripes if you’re a fatty fatterson? Bullshit! You should see what I’m wearing today (grey and black striped v-neck from Avenue, thank you). White shoes after labor day? Fuck that! Fuck all of these stupid goody-goody proper-bullshit rules. I’m so done with that.

The point of my friend’s post was simply about the site itself and how wrong it is for people to take people’s pictures in secret only to post and ridicule the person online. It’s wrong! It’s bullshit! It’s what is wrong with society today. We somehow think it’s okay to do this? Since when? Oh yeah, since the internet. Ha-ha! Not really, but I was raised to believe that we’re all equal, no one is better or worse. I still believe this. It keeps me grounded. It allows me to see people and the world on a somewhat more even playing field. I know stuff is shitty in the world, I’m not delusional. But shit y’all, you cut someone? They bleed! End of story!

That site is offensive. It should be offensive to anyone and everyone who views it. Yet somehow it is still up and still getting new posts. It perpetuates classism, ablism, sizism, sexism…every “ism” there is! It takes more than a simple dissenting voice to rid the world of this shit, but it can’t hurt, ya know? And what if it was your mom or brother or aunt or granny on the site? Would you still ridicule or play the blame and shame game? I don’t think you would, but I don’t know you, so I couldn’t possibly know what you would do. Funny that.

Your thoughts?

I spend a lot of time on my own without ever truly being alone. I mean, I’m at my cafe all day by myself, but there’s windows everywhere and customers coming and going and occasionally a friend or fab-regular will stop by and we’ll chat, but for the most part? It’s just moi. It can be trying and tiring and difficult. I spend a lot of time in my own head, ya know? This has helped me with a lot of self-work and processing events in my life, but it also makes me feel starved for attention. I hate that! Now that my husband has taken up fishing, I’m finding myself with more evenings alone than I know what to do with (sort of).

Some people are simply better adjusted or accustomed to being on their own for stretches of time. Some people actually prefer their own company to anyone else’s. While I respect that, I just can’t figure it out for me in my life. Sure, I have hobbies and interests and such, but when I’m home with the dog and cat and it’s only a few hours before my husband comes home from the ponds? I feel at a loss for what to do with myself. You can only masturbate so much (ha-ha! once is always enough for me)! But seriously? I lose track of normalcy and even what it is I want to do or need to even.

The truth is I’ve never fully been on my own. I’ve never lived alone. When I wasn’t living with an abusive boyfriend, I was living in a tiny apartment with four roommates. Before that I was living with my family. I remember times when I had roommates that I would come home from work and just fall into deep spells of crying. I was depressed, surely, but it never occurred to me to do anything else. Yes, I had a social life at the time, but sometimes I wouldn’t head straight out to Steph’s or parties or dates or whatever. Or there would be a lag in time before things got rolling. I guess, well, I never have been on my own long enough to get used to it.

When I was in that horrible abusive relationship for five years (ages 14-19), I had nothing to call my own. No possession or space or anything. I was the possession. The only refuge I had that had become my sanctuary, so to speak, was the bathroom. He would rarely bother me if I was in the bathroom, no matter how long. Weather it was in the morning for my daily ablutions or make-up applications or long luxurious baths with my boom box (Madonna’s “Erotica” album at the time) and about ten to fifteen candles. I would escape into my mind to escape the horrors of my reality if only for a few minutes to an hour.

I find that when I’m in a panic, I still run to the restroom! When I need to cry or just breathe for a few moments, I’ll pop into the bathroom for the serenity of what that space has been to me in the past. When my husband and I went to Maui, Hawaii, we spent more time in the bathroom than the room of our hotel itself. Ha-ha! It was glorious though! I didn’t even bother with the large oval luxury tub (but he did). When I talk about owning a home one day, the kitchen is the first thing I’ll go on and on about. But that’s because in my mind the bathroom re-do will be almost exactly like that one in Hana, Maui! Paradise! (No, nothing cheesy like floral prints or anything, it was quite understated, honestly.)

I wonder how one does adjust to being on their own. Is there a ritual or routine I could develop for myself to sooth or make it easier? What’s helped you? The most time I’ve spent on my own was probably on business trips or when I went to coffee school (yes, there is such a thing). Luckily for me most of this time and those trips were in Portland, Oregon. That is a fantastic city to be on your own in. I never felt uncomfortable. People would talk easily to/with me. I would go to music stores (physical store chi’ren, not like the iTunes store) and chat with people there. Or I’d eat at the bar at Gustav’s (OMZ! German food! *drools* and blackberry margaritas!) and the bartender would always be chill about it. Even in the evenings when I’d walk (ahem, or stumble) back to my hotel from Gustav’s I’d have a romantically lingering cigarette or two (I quit and now suddenly have cravings again after so many years) and gaze up at the stars and sort of daydream, but at night.

Up there though I actually loved to wander. Weather on foot or in my rental car (gotta love a good rental) and just try to get a tad lost. The last time I was up there my hotel was right on the water and there were all of these little shops and cafes along the shoreline. It was snowing, but I’d still walk along until I was too cold to keep going. Perhaps I was trying to avoid being alone in my room? Hmm. That could be true, actually. And of course all of this was before my fear of germs grew to what it is now which is: Hotels? Ack! Germs! No!

I imagine that with every passing year I should get more accustomed to time on my own. What if I suddenly didn’t have a husband? (For whatever reason, let’s not get morbid.) Or we needed to move out of town for some random reason? What the hell would I do? I get worse later at night. After 10 pm? Any sound at all is to me someone trying to break-in and rob/rape/kill me. Always! It’s irrational, I know. But it pops into my mind without my wanting it to. I should be more comforted by the fact that we live upstairs now, but I’m not. Seems easier in my mind to keep me from escaping with only one exit/stairwell. Or maybe I watch too many horror films. Ha-ha!

I know that none of this is fat related. I do think that it is more difficult to be on your own in public while fat. It’s probably why I rely heavily on my stink-eye look or fuck you glare when I truly don’t want to engage in conversation with anyone (or be seen as vulnerable). It’s why I absolutely hate walking the dog on my own at night (I pretty much won’t do it now, unless my husband is with me). I feel as though I’d be such an easy target for harassment or worse. This pisses me off to no end and that sucks because I should be able to enjoy such things. But we can’t always control our minds, let alone the environment around us. And so I seek refuge in restrooms because most people wouldn’t want to intrude upon whatever it is you/I might be doing in there.

So what can I do to work on this?
Thanks,
<3
S

I randomly came across this article while Tumbling my day away and felt compelled to read it. When I got to this paragraph I couldn’t stop reading anyway (Emphasis mine):

Acceptance came when I finally shut up and listened to what women around me were saying, what they’d always been saying, what my own life was telling me: that the physical, mental, spiritual violence that men commit against women is so wrapped in the fabric of society that it seeps into our subconscious, poisons our relationships to each other and ourselves. It’s a matter of life and death, not just because of the enormous amount of men that kill women every year but because of the lethal fallout of the patriarchal mindset, which asks us to make insanely unhealthy choices in the name of ‘manning up.’

And then this:

Despite what we’re told, people are hungry to talk about how privilege and power keeps us apart and holds us back. Young men know what’s going on, feel the strain of what they’re supposed to be, but our institutions won’t give them the language of how to talk about it, how to make sense of it, how to survive. What we’re left with is locker room banter and bad tv, an epidemic of crap media culture telling us how to be who we are.

And I see it and have lived it, too. Privilege! It seems to come up almost once a day lately, if not more so. I hadn’t considered it though when examining my own past and abuse. Now? Now I’m looking at it all differently. And people love to pretend that this shit doesn’t happen. Or it only happens to certain groups or individuals or what have you. The truth is that domestic violence happens all of the time, right under our noses. I know this because I survived it. I lived through a horrific ordeal that I will never forget. I live with the post traumatic stress of it and must deal with that everyday.

Like so many harsh realities though, we as a society choose to believe it’s a rare occurrence or worse, the problems of only those suffering at the hands of the violence. The truth is that it affects all of us. We can pretend and deny it all we like, but it’s there! And it is up to each individual to fight against the stereotypes and peer pressures that keep us in this state.To speak up and out and to demand justice! To bring these things to the light and stop pretending and stop allowing others to pretend it’s not there, too.

I’ve often heard that abusers were abused themselves. I don’t know a thing about psychology and what may be behind this, but I can’t say that I believe it entirely either. My abuser may have been abused as a child or even later in life, I don’t know, but we choose how to conduct ourselves in the world. I feel that we are individually responsible for our own actions. But I can see how patterns of abuse can continue unaddressed for generations. We love to hide and lie, don’t we? (Humans, that is).

I have a difficult time even watching movies or television shows that depict anything close to what I experienced. Specifically, a film that I otherwise would have enjoyed, the reboot of “The Amityville Horror” which hit theaters in 2005, starring Ryan Reynolds. There were the classic horror stylings and scary moments that one might expect, but what freaked me out, pulled me out of the movie all together, were the scenes of the main character played by Mr. Reynolds, going after the wife character and what he was saying and trying to do to her. It rang too true for me. It made me nauseous, tense and jittery. It brought up a lot of stuff for me. While my friends were talking excitedly about the scary bits of the movie (the bathroom scene! Nice!), I couldn’t get my mind back into the present. I sort of mentioned this to my husband after the fact and can guarantee I will never watch it again.

And as I get older it seems I remember things more clearly and then have to address these sudden revelations/realizations in the context of my life as it is now. And it ain’t easy! But it is what I call self-work. I am at peace with a lot of my past. I don’t think I would go back and do things differently (it took so much to get me where I am now), but I also don’t think much could be done to change the course so to speak. Somehow that violence was dealt to me for some reason. Who knows? I choose not to perpetuate it. I choose not to strike out at people. I choose to manage my anger and frustrations. We all make choices. We all look back with a suspicious eye sometimes. But we need to keep having these difficult conversations about uncomfortable topics in order to rid the world of this shit, ya know?

What do you think?

If you would like to talk in a more private way, contact me directly: notblueatall@notblueatall.com I will not judge. I will not pity you. You can vent/rant/cry/yell/etc…

SAFETY ALERT!

Computer use can be monitored and is impossible to completely clear. If you are afraid your internet and/or computer usage might be monitored, please use a safer computer, and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

Reach out! Speak up! There is help and judgment-free people who can and want to help!

I mean it! Stop it right now. Choose to never lie again. Or better yet (and more realistically), try not lying at all, to anyone, for one day. It’s not as easy as you might think. We are so lost in a world of socially acceptable lies that we forget what the truth even feels like on our tongues. I mean real and full honesty here. I mean no more “Oh yeah, that looks cute on you!” when you feel other wise. Then there’s the caveat of not being mean/rude! You can’t do it! You can’t be honest and rude, it feels wrong! You find you start to explain things differently. You find that people look at you funny at first and then come to trust you like no one else.

I stopped lying when I got sick of being lied to. Simple as that, really. I started with the one-day challenge and then tried a couple more, until I realized that it had been three weeks and so on. It’s fucking liberating, too! I always say that when you lie, even if the other person doesn’t know, you know. It will build up in you, that negativity, that intent, and you’ll suffer from it.

To stop lying is to lift a veil from your eyes. You will stop lying to yourself, too! Because I don’t believe that you can be your true, authentic self while still putting out that kind of negativity in the world or towards yourself. We hide behind lies. We disguise ourselves with them. We stop seeing the world in it’s entirety and only through our own interpretation of it through the lens of those lies. Crazy-talk? Maybe. But it’s worked for me.

Fat Acceptance/Body Acceptance/Self Acceptance has made me change a lot of myself, but on my own terms. We go about our journeys differently. I am regularly impressed, amazed and surprised (all positive) by what the world and life has to offer. None of it even seemed possible or plausible before I stopped lying all together. It makes me use my brain for good rather than bad, ya know? I feel like I’m not able to express it, but it was sort of a lock I had to find the key to in order to get beyond that old baggage and truly enjoy life again. And to find that key was to break free of social and familial obligations. To rise above the hate and anger out there and to work on myself and do my best to rid myself of those things in my heart, too. I hope this makes sense.

Thanks,
S

My friend, who bought the book “Health At Every Size” by Linda Bacon PHD, came in yesterday asking me what a specific paragraph meant. While English is not her first language and she would generally call her use/understanding of it to be poor, on this I must disagree as I see no issue with it from her what so ever. With that in mind though, the paragraph in question suggested to the reader to give up the fight against fat/your body. To quit and to trust your body to know what it needs and to listen to it. (Sorry, I lent my copy out and cannot actually quote it.) This concept seemed so alien to her that she had me read it aloud to her and then explain it a few different ways until she fully grasped the concept. Good on her for truly wanting to understand. I am so proud of her, y’all have no idea!

Let’s think on this a moment though. To give up fighting that which our entire society has deemed bad? I can see how this could be confusing for just about anyone, honestly. And I think this is also something that many of us, even the fat acceptance veterans, still struggle with. TRUSTING YOUR BODY!!! We are told from an early age (many of us) to do exactly the opposite! Don’t “give in” or “cave” or “indulge” if you’re craving something. We’re never taught to look into the reason why we may have such a craving. The fact that many people (not just women) believe that deep down they would never stop eating? Wow! It really makes me see just how bad a job we’ve done in educating the public on nutrition. You know?

From a recent post about substitutions:

“One of the things I’ve learned from my own intuitive eating journey is that when I am craving something, there is usually a reason. Not just a “ooh that looks tasty” kind of craving. More of a physiological one. For instance, once a month I crave roast beef deli style sandwiches. Nothing will be a worthy substitute. I can try all manner of turkey or other sandwiches, but they will never be the thinly sliced loveliness of that roast beef sammie in my mind. I must have what I want or I will feel unsatisfied and try as I might, nothing else will do. Same thing for a nice and simple piece of good chocolate! Oh sure, you can give me a bite of your prized brownies, but it won’t fulfill that inner need for something smooth and rich and creamy. And there’s a reason I want those two things so consistently: I’m in need of iron and protein and whatever else is in that roast beef and chocolate is a mood lifter and when else do I need that most?!” (Quoting myself? Um, okay!)

We’ve become so inundated by marketing and diet industry jargon that we buy into it without question. And when you stop questioning things, well, they’ve already won, right? They prey on our fears and exaggerate if not outright fictionalize “facts” and “figures” and “statistics” all in the name of MOOLAH!!! Money, it doesn’t just make the world “go ’round”, no, it also feeds a giant systemic machine that keeps us all numb and dumb and ready to buy buy buy more more more! And it’s so fucking hard to step outside of that system. It is downright radical and extreme a concept to want to unplug from the matrix that is dieting. So what are we to do? It’s just easier to keep chugging along in misery (how they want us) going from one fad diet to the next (I don’t care if it’s called a lifestyle change, it’s still a fucking diet!) until we die! That is what they want, you see. They want us to fork over our hard earned cash, day in and day out, in the hopes of being happy/thin, until we die.

It is an interesting time in the world right now. People are waking up and realizing that they don’t have to live this way. They are speaking up and out and rising up against the powers that be in hopes of changing the world for a better tomorrow. I am in awe of them all! They inspire me so much. But in America? Eh, not so much (but thank the stars for the few who do). We’re lazy and jaded and tired and “no one will listen anyway” and any other excuse you can pull out of your ass. We have jobs to go to and mortgages to pay for or try to save from foreclosure. We have children to worry about and our elderly to care for. We don’t have time to think let alone stand up for our own health and well being anymore. We are slaves to a system and little else, I think. I don’t mean to sound so depressing, but when you step back and look at it? It’s pretty close to the truth. Why else would we require jobs but to pay for food and shelter? Yet how many people do you know have zero debt? Exactly!

So how could we possibly think we can trust our own bodies to do what is right when we’re never told this, we’re never allowed the luxury! We keep buying the next big thing, be it Louboutins or Special K milkshakes, in hopes of somehow improving our lives when all we need and have ever needed is within our own power and our own bodies! That trust is hard to find, too. Even when you begin to believe in the concept and try your best, it’s very difficult. I won’t lie! Even I have a hard time. I look at my portions and wonder if I’m eating too much. I know it’s bullshit and I fight these thoughts, but they are there. It’s nearly impossible to forget a lifetime of programming. But I am always working on it! I hope we can all find a way to escape the clutches of the diet industry. For our own sakes.

Thanks,
<3
S