We have all heard the stereotypes about fat people and food (feel free to vent in comments, darlings). And while I consider myself somewhat of a novice foodie, I’m nowhere near gourmet-dom. I only started to enjoy cooking at home a few years ago and never would have imagined owning my own cafe. I could never afford the finer dining lifestyle anyhow, but it’s fun to watch those shows that let you inside and behind the scenes, so fun! I enjoy my share of celebrity chefs and their ilk, but not too many now days. In fact I’ve begun to view a lot of food related things differently since taking my food safety course (I wish they were free and mandatory for everyone). I’ve also become a bit of a germ-a-phobe! Who knew?!

Socially, I suck, when it comes to food. I have no problem cooking for, presenting and hosting others food. However, when it comes to my eating in front of people I must think it through first. For one thing, I am a very slow eater. Plus, I like to talk. This can make a 30 minute lunch/meal/etc last upwards of 2 hours (I swear I was Italian in my last life and I kick myself for not eating and experiencing more when I was there). I keep this in mind when making plans for meet ups and friends and such. But then there’s the issue of what to order. Ugh! I love salads, I’m a California gal, but it doesn’t mean that’s all I eat. Sometimes I want a nice pasta dish or whatever, ya know? But being a fat ordering food in a restaurant is almost like assigning a time and place for people to give you the stink-eye (or judgment face, or as my husband says I give him, the “skwunch-eye”). It’s bullshit and none of their business ever, but it is the state of things. I usually ignore such things and go about MY business, but I’m not impervious to it either. I worry about the messiness of a dish I may eat in public (sauces, no matter how delish, can make me so overly self-conscious I will stop eating). It’s silly, but it’s in my head somehow.

Eating in front of people started to get to me in high school and I’m not even sure why! I guess just general awkwardness. Everyone ate together back then, like it was nothing. But I recall a lunch with my BFFs in a burger king that left me feeling weird ever since. Nothing happened specifically that I can recall, but that is my first memory of feeling weird about eating in public/in front of people. I wasn’t terribly interested in food back then and pretty much subsisted on frozen foods and taco bell (and the occasional fave: deli sandwiches). I only knew how to cook three things until my husband and I started to actually cook. Those three things? Scrambled eggs, mac ‘n cheese and spaghetti. No lie! If I was home alone and hungry you can bet on my making one of those things for myself. With a giant glass of orange juice!

It is a very different feeling when you are serving food to the public in a restaurant environment while fat. Especially, I would argue, if what you are serving is “healthy.”  You get looks you wouldn’t normally get. Ones that say, “Wow, if only you ate this food you wouldn’t be so ginormously fat.” Looks of pity, looks of disgust, the usually stuff, sure, but when they realize it’s my place? My food? My menu I created? It’s shock! Total shock! “How could someone so unhealthy create such a magical place?” Because I’m a fucking unicorn, now leave a damned tip and get out! Ha-ha! (I wish I could say such things.)

I know being publicly fat has it’s own special brand of abuses involved, but I think all fats face such things when food is involved. It’s bullshit and I think we should push back! I think we need to stare right back at those judgmental bastards (I love that word) and call them out if need be. This includes our own friends, too! I won’t get into the family thing because we all have different shit to deal with there, but if you have the sanity points? Go for it! Because we know that a lot of people think it’s perfectly fine to harass or hate or shame fats. It is up to us to make them feel uncomfortable doing it! I’m not saying we can change their minds, that is much harder for sure, but I do think we need to at the very least make extended eye contact, enough to make ’em squirm just a little, ya know?

And the truth is, I say this, but I still try not to eat in front of my customers. I still struggle with eating regularly. I work on it. I started bringing a cold sandwich to work with me and for some reason I have little trouble eating that in front of anyone. Not sure why. But struggling is fine! Nobody is perfectly self-accepting and confident every single hour of every single day. So don’t beat yourself up over it. If you can’t face the haters, then don’t. But if you can, please do! I have had some interesting things happen when I have one of those moments when I realize I am talking but somehow not exactly controlling it. Yeah, it happens. But when it happens with complete strangers about food or health or fat? It is a radical moment of fat activism! It is a moment of magic and wisdom! I love it! It also totally helps to laugh a lot to put them at ease (and yourself, I do this a ton).

We live in a world where doctors are calling us liars and diagnosing us with little more than a quick “up-down.” *headdesk* It’s not their fault entirely, though. You see, we chose to believe it’s okay to exist and live our lives as we see fit. We chose to resist societal pressure. We chose not to kill ourselves in order to fit in. They chose the blue pill. Well, I should say most people chose to believe the diet industry bullshit marketing. Some will be very open to what we have to say simply by voicing something they’ve not yet heard. I think we have to give people the chance to be open to it, too. Because, well, c’mon, when someone says something new that seems to be the opposite of all you’ve heard or been told your entire life? That’s tough to swallow, you know? And I get that, I do. And luckily for us we have this incredible resource of this amazing world wide community of fat acceptance to support and cheer us on! To lift us up and to rise above the hateful bullshit!

The first step is to stop judging. It’s a difficult one, but I think the most important. Then you must give up hating. Then give up comparing ourselves to others. Then to accept ourselves just as we are, right now. Not tomorrow or next year or at certain amount of weight…NO! Just as you are right now! Just live in your body and enjoy it and feel it and be mindful of it and what it does for you everyday. I don’t think that most people do that. We spend so much time and money and energy hating our bodies and blaming all of the ills in our lives and the world on them…and for what? What do we get from so much hate? It’s not worth it! YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE! And remember, “Nothing tastes as good as a free mind feels!” (quoting myself, ha-ha!) Just be kind, to yourself and to others. Take care of yourself. Love yourself. You can do it! I know you can, because I did! <3

I discovered these undies not long ago at Target, like right on the damn shelf! For $8/$9 a 3-pack! They have all of the things I was looking for in a new underwear, plus when I actually wore them they ended up being more comfortable than any of my old ones. Woo! So I bought a second pack a month later. They just stay put and I love that! My old ones were JMS brand hi cuts, but they were always too big no matter what size I got. I felt like I was swimming in ’em. But not these! These babies were just what I needed. So I wanted to replace the old with the comfy-new and headed to my usual Target store. FAIL! They ran out. None in my size, none even in this style anymore. OHNOES!!!

I tried a few more Target stores, but no dice. I was devastated. But then I remembered my own online shopping rule of thumb: Knowing exactly what you want will get you what you need! So I went online and found them at the same price (plus shipping, boo!) and ordered two packs! I just got them in the mail today and was delighted at the new colors I got in the assorted pack. Woo! I had found the same ones on a web site, but then found that the exact same site sold through Amazon, but for a dollar less in shipping. Not sure why, but my budget is beyond tight and so I went through Amazon. No regrets! They’re perfect! Exactly what I wanted. And was even surprised in a good way with how they arrived:

 

Well, it seemed pretty classy to me to have it wrapped in tissue with a nice seal/sticker like that. They had this cute insert that had a picture of a woman’s legs with 5 pair of underwear on going up the legs…it said, “Please wear yours while you try on ours.” I loved that! Ha-ha! Anyway, I love these undies and would recommend them to anyone seeking cute and comfy cotton ones that are affordable, too. They go to a “14” but that’s like a 30/32 U.S. I bought the 13’s and they are perfect for my 28/30 ass. Trouble would be finding them, but I got them here. But who knows, they could be at your local Target/KMart/Walmart.

What are your favorite and comfortable underwear? (Sorry, but I hate the p-word.)

Just enough already! Stop it! Leave us alone will ya? I mean it! You are on notice, Universe! I can’t take anymore. My friends can’t take anymore. Nobody can handle another problem in their lives right now because our plates are already fucking full of your nonsense!

Is it just me or does it feel like everyone’s lives are imploding at the moment? These last couple of weeks have knocked me for a loop over and over and I’m fucking done with this! I don’t know what else I can handle physically, let alone mentally or emotionally. Seriously, I don’t know anyone that isn’t smack in the middle of a shit storm right now and I’m calling shenanigans on the whole thing. It must end NOW!!!

Is it planetary? Is it global climate change? Hormones? Politics? I don’t even care. Just stop it! Stop it all right now. Let’s all stop and take a deep breath and reach for that universal pause button because if this shit continues there won’t be much of us left to keep fighting the good fight, ya know? Ugh!

So let’s all vent our problems and angers and frustrations and you name it in comments and get this shit off of our collective chests together!!! I am a firm believer in venting, ranting, shaking my fist at the clouds…whatever to relieve that awful feeling of overwhelm-a-tude! Check out Joolie’s post today on dealing with Migraines. I felt it was very apt for today’s topic. He-he.

So here’s my vent/rant:

I have worked so fucking hard for so fucking long that I don’t remember what an hour lunch break even feels like anymore. I am at a point in my life now where I thought I had all of my shit together and the only missing piece was a reliable income. Ha-ha! I’m a damned fool! Little did I know that my relationship is on the brink. Fuck! And my business. And and and…Fuck you!!! I’m done! I cannot handle anymore. When I’m not running and struggling to keep the cafe open, I’m running and struggling to keep in touch with my friends or being a shoulder for so many others. All the while being constantly insecure about my relationship suddenly after 13 years.
||PAUSE||

Have you ever had someone try to call you out for being a “bad fatty?” It doesn’t matter the situation, person, activity, they were just waiting to tell you you’re wrong/hipocrtical/a bad fatty! Sometimes who it comes from is the more difficult part. It can be equally unnerving or uncomfortable if it’s someone close to you or a total stranger. I get the full spectrum operating my cafe everyday. You know that look? The one that says, “How could you be putting that into your mouth?” or “Should you really be preaching health at every size…at Your size?” and so many more.

When you are fat in public you just never know who will take it upon themselves to not only body & food police you, but even try to make sure you fall into some ridiculous stereotype. Heaven forbid a gal eats a donut! Even just once a year! Nope, we can’t have that! That’s “BAD!”  “You can’t be healthy and eat a donut!” “You know you won’t eat just one!” The fuck I won’t! And you wonder what special little joy they are getting from trying to shame/blame/other you. Anything in the attempt to seem better off, I suppose.

It’s sad to me that it must be reiterated daily/weekly/etc, food has no moral value! There is no “bad” food. There’s rotted food, sure, that’s bad! But not in the moral sense. What you choose to put into your mouth is your business and no one elses. No one’s! Not even your mother! Not even your BFF! Not even your Granny! Not their business! That’s it! Get it? You’re not a “bad fatty” or “bad” anything else. You’re just you! That’s all you can hope to be and that’s all I ever try to be.

Then there’s that look of pity or worse, disgust! The look that says, “How dare you breathe the same air or occupy the same space as me?!” The look that says, “Oh that poor dear! She must be out of control/let herself go.” Where? Where did I let myself go? Huh? Fatlandia? Fatterson U.S.A.?! Tell me! Where exactly did I let myself go? Out of control? Your judgment is out of control! I am in complete and total control over my own actions and judgments, thanks. I do not exist for you! I do not live to please! I live to live! I live to experience the wonders of this world! I live to love and to give and to share…what the fuck do you live for, huh?

Whew! Okay, sorry…went off a bit there. It’s just so frustrating to have people say things, even on the sly, about you because you look a certain way. I’m not interested in conformity! I’m punk rock! Conformity is for squares and suckers, ya know?! I didn’t get dressed in the hopes of fitting/blending in. I don’t hope to pass some non-existent grade you’re handing out. I don’t go out of my way to judge or hate anyone, so why are you? I just don’t get it. I mean, who cares? Who has the time?

Stigma is such a piece of shit! I’m sick of it. I think the most freeing thing anyone can do is simply to no longer care what other people think. If I am to be judged on face value alone? Not my problem! Because trying to fit into some existence that doesn’t want me just as I am, for who I am right now, does not interest me in the least. People don’t look up to others who did not stand out. No one says, “I really admire Shirley, she always seems to fit in and not make waves. That’s what I love about her!”

 You cannot control other people or the world in general. You can’t. You cannot do a damned thing about people perceiving or judging you a certain way. That’s on them! All you can do is just be you. Corny? Maybe! Fuck it! I don’t care! It’s how I roll and I have no intention of stopping. It’s done me just fine up until now, why stop a good thing, ya know? Ha-ha! To the lady who said to my friend, “Oh I know I guy who DOES eat cookies for breakfast. He’s your size!” What in the hell lady? What business is it of yours what anyone has for breakfast or what size they are? Fuck you!

What do you wanna tell the people who judge you unfairly? What can we do to wise people up when they confront us with this bullshit? I have an idea…if ever I’m called a name again, I shall resond, “Ignorant coward!” in the hopes this will confuse the poor dears. Yes, confuse! Their ignorance is cowardice! Their cowardice is ignorance. They are so afraid of fat and fatties that they feel compelled to shout from a moving vehicle or utter some slur under their breath? Coward! They obviously buy into all of that diet industry marketing bullshit. Ignorance! Lose the hate, not the weight! <3

I’ve seen a few people around the fat web lately asking for more single/dating voices out here in the blog-o-sphere. While I do not date, I am in fact married, I do so sympathize! You see, yesterday I had a strange thing happen. I popped online to check my email (on a Sunday even, Ack!) and someone wanted to chat on yahoo IM. I recognized this person as someone I follow on Tumblr. I’ll admit up front here that I used to have a tiny web crush on him. He’s sort of adorable. Only he totally fucking ruined that yesterday.

When I was dating, I had a terrible time meeting guys. At the time I didn’t think it was purely due to my size, but I had a lot going on after just coming out of that awful relationship. I met a lot of guys online, on AOL chat rooms to be specific, and went on way too many blind dates because of this. I remember one blind date, I went to the guy’s place (I know, so what not to do 101) and when he opened the door he said, “Well, you’re more “full figured” than I had though.” and I said, “Yeah, um, you’re much smaller than I thought.” Which I know sounds awful, but we ended up being fab friends until we both found permanent partners. Truth is we were swell on the phone. Yet in person there simply was no chemistry or physical attraction.

Yes, I described myself as “Full Figured” online back then because no one ever told me it was okay to be or call myself fat. Would have made things easier, no doubt. And it seemed the more dates I went on the more horror stories I gathered. Yeah, didn’t meet a single decent one…well, I did, but then my best friend TOTALLY stole him (glaring at you Steph! Ha-ha!). I see now that it wasn’t such a loss, but I was devastated! I even tried to hook up with his best friend just so we could have double date scenarios available. I went through this phase after that where I thought I wanted bear-types. Like, just big burly guys who would, I thought, protect me. I found out in fact that most needed more protection and emotional support from me. Go figure.

And being a fat girl in the dating world can lead to many assuming stereotypes are true. I had guys ask me if it’s true that fat girls are faster to sleep with someone or if redheads are truly demons in the sack (we are! he-he), all kinds of stupid-ass stuff. It wasn’t so much that I was looking for a good time or a quick lay (I really should have been), but I was still in love with the idea of love. I was so enamored with finding a perfect somebody that I forgot to find out who I was first. The moment I began to work on myself? I met my husband. We were friend first, which I’d never dated a friend before him, but it worked out nicely I think. Ha-ha!

So this guy yesterday? From tumblr? Yeah, he wanted to “chat” alright. He said he had a “fetish for chatting on web-cam” and could I go to his personal site (which was called something like sexy stranger cam or something equally horrific in my opinion) so no one would record or interrupt us. I was all like sorry dude, I don’t have a web cam that works at the moment (I bought one for $3 on amazon, but it’s a pain to use and is always leaning to one side). But he kept insisting and then said, “Lame! No wonder you’re single!” and I responded with, “I’m married.” and he then said, “Oh I don’t mind baby, let’s go over to my web cam site. I swear it’s safe. You just have to verify that you’re over 18.” To which I responded with *Barfs* which somehow didn’t give a clear enough signal to this douche. He kept at it, trying to get me to go to this site for another five minutes before I finally just closed the chat. He is no longer adorable.

If this is the shit you have to put up with in the online dating scene? Count me out forever! I meet way more people in real life that are truly into me then I have online. I mean, it is awesome that we can get to know people and begin to build relationships on the internet and all. But the two-faced pervo shit? Yeah, that needs to go! I demand respect when I meet people, no matter what type of relationship I’m looking for. Respect, honesty, intelligence and best of a decent conversation. Not too much to ask, right? Ha-ha! It seems that it is. This clown shoe didn’t have the decency to even ask my name. I know he has an actual girlfriend and had he wanted to just chat I would have  been fine with it. But his perv-cam-bullshit? No, thank you.

And so a tip of my hat to all of you single folks out there trying to get to know anyone in this crazy world right now. It’s bananas. I don’t know how you do it. And if you’re seeking advice on how to find love? Sounds cliche, but stop looking! Just do what feels good, you enjoy or makes you happy and there will inevitably be someone around doing those same things, too. I find that people are more genuine and put on less airs when they are just doing a hobby or pursuing an interest over the typical bar/nightclub thing. Although, that works and is totes fun sometimes, too!

I’d love your thoughts and input. Wanna vent about dating? Hit up my comments! Let us all share in this! Thanks! =0)