I would like to take this moment to just be happy. Today is a huge day for me. I have an in-person interview for what appears to be the perfect job for me. Not only is it a job, though, it is basically the missing piece of my awesome life puzzle right now. If I get this job I won’t have to worry about EVERYTHING all of the time anymore. The funny thing is, I kind of feel like it’s already mine. In an intoxicated state after my dance show on Sunday, while having dinner with my bffs, I said aloud, “Now that I’m at _______, I’ll totally be the most fashionable chick in the office! Ha-ha!” jaws dropped and eyes widened and they all said, “Wait?!?! You got the job?!?!” I realized it was a slip of the tongue, maybe some visualizing and hopes sprinkled in and nothing more. Oops! But…It will be mine! Oh yes! It will be mine!

The truth is that the last few weeks have been extremely stressful and bad. This week has felt magical by comparison. In this moment, right now, everything seems possible and wonderful. I feel fearless and capable of anything. I feel so perfectly me that there is just nothing stopping me or holding me back…except that whole not having a job part. Ha-ha! Even though things seem kind of dire in this whole employment-finances department…I’m fucking HAPPY!!! It’s…nice! It’s certainly refreshing, anyhow. I’d been so depressed and stressed out for so long. Not to mention tired. Whew!

I’ve had some great surprises this week as well. My “Special Geek” gave me a phone on Monday which has greatly improved my life! My old one was so fritzy I’d get lost anytime I needed to rely on my GPS, it would crash and freeze all of the time. Now? Perfection! And as of last night…I have a boyfriend!!! I feel like a fucking teenager! *Blushes* He is like no one I’ve ever met and I just adore him! He makes me very happy! I mean, I knew I liked him waaaay too much after our second date, but when my friends all loved him, too? Oh yeah! It was a done deal. When that boy says my name my heart is all a-flutter! *Blushes* I just hope that I am the awesome girlfriend he’s always wanted. 🙂

And my road trip to Fatlandia (aka NoLose.org) will be amazeballs because my bff of over 22 years will be driving up with me and it will be just like old times! SO EXCITING!!! I know we will be blasting the good old tunes like back then.  We used to write in bathroom stalls, “There’s No Diva Like Me!” and scream our favorite songs at the top of our lungs! Ha-ha! So fabulous! How has time just flown by?!?! Oh man!

I’m writing this before I know what this day brings. No matter what I will be with people I love and whom I know love me back. After my interview I’m having lunch with my other bff of over 22 years. Then I’ll be spending the evening and night with my beloved Raven!!! Saturday I’ll be heading up to visit my friend Laura for some seriously needed girl bonding time. I just…WOW! I’m so grateful for all of it right now, ya know? HAPPY!!!

I know good things are on their way and they are already in my life, too. I know that despite the dark times, the light always finds a way to shine through. There’s no fighting it now and I want nothing more than for you all to feel as great as I do now. I’ll keep y’all updated and definitely share my continued joy, no matter what happens. 😉 Have faith in you and don’t let anyone else get or keep you down. You’re amazing and worth all of the love in the world!
<3
S

I would love to see a blog called “Perfectly Portly”…someone do this! 😉

Dance rehearsal was hard and good and a bit emotional. Our progress is fantastic when only a week ago we had just half a song choreographed. I  got that runner’s high thing again, it’s kind of awesome. I keep getting asked if I’m excited or nervous and I am, but it still somehow doesn’t feel real yet. Part of me also just wants it over with. Ha-ha!

If you’re local to San Francisco/Oakland area and are interested in seeing me perform for the first time in 17 years, or just want to see a fantastic body positive dance show (OMZ! It’s the best!) there are TWO chances: Saturday, May 25th at 8pm or Sunday, May 26th at 2 pm. Get your tickets in advance to save some time and money: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/378829

I paid for my NoLose registration…I cannot wait to go! Hoping and wishing and visualizing awesome job so that I can pay my credit card off and my hotel room. I may have to drive, but I’ve been itching for a road trip anyway. It’s in Portland, Oregon this year. PDX is like my favorite place not in California, so WOO!!!

Did y’all see that ReDress is back?!?! This is where I’ve gotten all of my Teggings!

A pic of me & Raven from the Fatty Affair Family Picnic a few weeks ago:

Gawd we are so aforable!!! Ha-ha! Both wearing Eshakti (current) and I’m not in love with vintage cocktail hats from the 50’s because of this little white one I’m wearing. Do you have any of these? Hit me up!!! I am dying for a black one! 🙂

Today is my last day at my current job. I have some interviews this week and I am feeling good and hopeful. I had a great weekend with wonderful people who made me feel special and cared for and I am so grateful to have them in my life. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I’m excited about it once again.

Rad Fatty Love to you ALL!

<3
S

What’s been surprisingly difficult for me these past couple of weeks is having so many friends, acquaintances, blog readers and others tell me how awesome I am and that things will get better and to just have faith in myself. I’m not really complaining about this, mind you, only that I have lost faith, but not entirely in myself. More, I’ve lost faith in what is good in this world.

Here’s the thing, some people will never get it! Yes, I’m talking about fat acceptance and size diversity, but I’m also talking about me (or you) as a person. No matter how many times you explain and spell things out, some people will just never see the other side. I see this in my own relationships, painfully, more so now than ever. I see that as I find that I know myself and my needs and wants in my life that there are people who will only ever choose to see or accept their own specific version of me. It doesn’t matter how much I shine or grow or change, to them I fit nicely and neatly into some little box they’ve labeled “Sarah” and they’re not terribly interested in allowing upgrades or revisions. So be it.

I have been amazed at how simple and powerful the phrase, “that is unacceptable” can be. When I told someone last year that how they were treating me was unacceptable and that I wouldn’t tolerate it in my life, they didn’t apologize or ask questions or even attempt to make things better or right. Instead they kept insisting the blame was mine and I needed to somehow get over myself…or something. I refuse to lower myself or my standards when it comes to friendships for people who refuse to treat me with respect, honesty and realness. And realness only gets you so far when you are lying to your damned self! 😉

I am unapologetically me! I am lumpy, I have rolls, I am sexy, I am sassy, I am smart and sometimes quite hilarious! I want and choose to enjoy my life. As best as I can, anyhow. I have been dealt some heavy blows lately, but I keep getting back up. Sometimes I don’t even know why, but I do it. I do it because I remember the abuse and not wanting to live anymore. I do it for those who are there in the thick of it now. I love you! You’re worth so much more and you’ll get it, too, if you can find your own light inside…it’s there!  *HUGS* I do it because all I have ever fucking known is to fight and to struggle. It’s exhausting but I wouldn’t know easy if it slapped me in the face.

Living my life out in the open has been liberating and surprising and scary as hell. I don’t fear the same things I used to. Perhaps that’s maturity, but what I crave and ache for has changed, too. I appreciate such simple pleasures at times it makes me laugh, out loud, alone in my room. Ha-ha! My wants are so few and my demands fewer. I want love. I want freedom. I want a choice. I want to survive. I want the truth, always. I want to express myself in any way I see fit. I want color and nature.

Right now I want to pour myself into a bottle of wine and sleep…for life! Monday (when I wrote this) hit me like a ton of bricks and I don’t know that there are tears left in me to give. It’s not that I didn’t know the bad stuff was coming, I did, I was just already feeling so scared and vulnerable. To have the harshness of that extra bit of reality spotlighted was just too much on such a dreary day. When I turned to a friend who has been there for me before and was met with utter assholery, well? That was the kicker. I can’t take getting shit on anymore, ya know?

When I was driving back to work from lunch I drove past a part of town that I hadn’t given much thought to before and it triggered a very bad and very repressed memory in me that nearly had me incapacitated. THAT BAD! I haven’t had a PTSD symptom in over a year, some more than that. This memory was one of the worst of the worst and I thought I couldn’t breathe. The one thing that got me through it though was thinking of that “Special Geek” I’ve mentioned here before. He’s such a shining beacon in the night for me. He’s so kind and wonderful to me and I am so glad my brain chose to focus on him rather than the horrors of the past in that moment. I am so grateful and so blessed and so fortunate, I know this. I have incredible friends both IRL and online and I wouldn’t be able to get up everyday without ’em. And it is why I love with my whole self and end up hurt, too. So be it.

I can only be and honor me and my truth and my experience. I can try to show you, I can try to explain, but until they get rid of all those boxes labeled “Sarah” you/they will never see the real me and I will never, truly, be understood and I think that’s okay.

Let’s look at this whole thing for a minute, shall we? Hating your body, what has it gotten you? Has it helped you do or get anything? Oh sure, you might get the “good fatty” points for “trying” and all, but in the grand scheme of life itself…what has this self hating gotten you? Has it earned you any love or respect or put a roof over your head? No? So why hang onto this way of being? If you’ve never thought about your fat body in this way, hang out a minute.

Have you ever thought that maybe the mainstream is wrong? Questioned authority? Had a grain of disbelief when seeing all of those “before and after” photos on television? Yeah, you might just be ready for a little body revolution! Don’t worry, you’re among good people! 😉 There’s a worldwide community of proud fatties who have chosen to love and care for their fat bodies instead of hating them and we’re all chatting and living it up! We do things and write things and shake things up and all while living in fat bodies! There’s no holding us back or stopping us now, so maybe you shouldn’t let that self hate stop you either!

Perhaps you grew up with people in your life that struggled against and were basically always at war with their bodies, no matter their actual size. Maybe your mom or grandma was extra harsh on you from a young age or the kids at school bullied you for having a differently shaped or sized body. No matter where you started or what you’ve been through, you can choose something different for yourself now! You get to choose to do right by your fat body and to live the best life you can within it!

The great thing about beginning your self-acceptance journey is that it doesn’t cost a thing! There’s no membership fee or card. There’s no instruction manual on how to stop hating yourself (though plenty of great books on the subject) or some sort of short cut on getting there. I will say, though, that it is entirely worth every ounce of effort and energy in the world (and so are you)! The benefits you can reap from this journey are boundless!

I never thought anyone would ever refer to me as “bubbly” “positive” or “confident” but they do now! I used to be the ultimate downer, Eeyore incarnate! And now I feel as though I have broken free from the bounds/binds of self hate, harm and judgment. Blegh! Who needs those anyhow?! They do nothing but hold you back and you have shit to do!

There is no thin person inside of me screaming to come out. There is only the real me in there, happy to finally see the light of day after so many years of hiding in the dark, drowning in shame. NO MORE! I am done with all of that and I hope that you are ready to be done with it, too. There is this great big beautiful world out there to be lived in and explored. You may not have noticed, it’s kind of hard to see it when you’re worst thoughts are always turned inward.

*Hugs*

You can do whatever you want! So do it, don’t wait! Give yourself permission to be happy. You deserve it. Shake the old shit off and walk free of that burden. Because you rock! You are awesome! And deep down you know you’re better than all of that old nonsense. 😉