It has been surprising and wonderful for me to get to know fellow size acceptance activists. I have been educated, enlightened, lifted and delighted. I have seen and experienced things I wouldn’t trade for the world. Yet I am often shocked to hear the following phrase from the lips of quite a few who claim to love and accept themselves,

“I don’t want to be skinny. I just…”

…want to be healthy
…want to be a size 18
…want to be less than this *MakesSweepingGestureToTheirBody*
…want to feel beautiful
…want to stop struggling all of the time
…want to be comfortable
…want to be happy

What?! This is not acceptance. I usually feel the need to bite my tongue in such moments, but it depends on the person and my relationship with them. Sometimes I will call bullshit on the whole thing and tell them exactly what I think on the subject. It’s hard though. Who am I to tell someone that how they feel about their body is wrong? Well, I have been there and know what it’s like to live on the other side of that way of thinking. Also, I guess I just hate to see incredible and amazing people hold themselves back.

We could be doing so much more in our lives by simply letting go of this way of thinking. To believe that if you change your body that your life will magically be what you’ve always wanted it to be? Um…NO! I love me some fairy tales and magic and fantasy, but that’s not reality. I chose to live the life I do. I choose to love it and my body everyday. It is a conscious decision. It is a necessary one, too. It is one that allows me and all 325 lbs of my awesomesauce to go about this world in a way that I generally like and appreciate.

I also believe that you’re not only holding yourself back by hating your body, but you’re also allowing others to drag you down, too. You’re allowing them to influence and judge you. Fuck that! Especially when this comes from people who knows the facts, the science and the truth of living in a fat body. I know it’s hard. I know people are ignorant and mean. It doesn’t mean that we should relent or quit. The truth is the truth. You can’t change it. You can certainly choose to ignore it, but it’s still the truth. *Sigh*

I know that when I stopped wanting to change my body that my life improved greatly. When I stopped hating myself and my body I had more energy to focus on the things I love and enjoy. Go figure that soon I was making better choices for myself in my daily life. I’m not just talking about food and movement, here. I’m talking about the people in my life, the ways in which I chose to give attention or not, just everything, ya know?

It is a journey, not a destination. I still have bad days. I have days where there’s not an ounce of fight in me. But there is always love, even if it’s just a tiny bit. I will always find something in myself to love and appreciate. And I will always have it in me to keep going. It’s not easy, but I wouldn’t know easy if it slapped me across the face and introduced itself to me. Ha-ha! I just know that life is better for me this way. I get up in the morning with a sense of ownership I didn’t have before. That makes such a difference!

When you want to be something else, to change your body, you are dissociating and disconnecting from your body. You live in your body. It is your home. If you hate your home you’re never happy or comfortable. I lived this way for a long time both in the physical and mental sense of “home” and walking away from the abuse and choosing to love the body that survived it all was nothing short of the best thing I ever did! Had I not done that I never would have opened my own cafe or started Fatty Affair or any of the cool stuff I’ve done (and yes I often need to be reminded of what I’m capable of, it’s a journey, remember).

I often talk about my wonderful friends, but let me tell you, I wouldn’t have them if I still hated myself. Sometimes faking it to make it works. Sometimes just being as neutral as possible works. But actively harming, hurting, or talking negatively about yourself has repercussions.  Just as what you put into your body, what you expose it to (your own words/thoughts, too) has an effect!

And in this we always have a choice! How we treat ourselves and talk to ourselves is a choice. I hope that one day this type of thing will no longer be an issue. I think it’s possible. Awareness is the first step in the right direction. Leading my example is the next step. I’m doing my best, for me. I hope that you can and will, too.

<3
S

Today’s post is a review of a personal massager/sex toy. If you know me or would rather not know about my preferences or thoughts on this topic, please come back tomorrow for more of my usual fat talk and thoughts. Thanks! 😉

The following review has in no way shape or form been sponsored by anyone, nor have I been compensated in anyway. This is my own honest review of a personal purchase. 

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Oh dear readers! You always know what I need. Often it’s love and support, advice or solidarity, but when it came down to sexy stuff? You did real GOOD!!! I’d heard from many of you publicly and privately (you can always hit me up at notblueatall@notblueatall.com) that the Hitachi Magic Wand is nothing short of amazeballs. But you also frightened me with tales of it’s strength and intensity “so powerful it can give you an orgasm through a snowsuit….from across the street!” Yikes! But I’m here to share my thoughts on this hot topic! Ha-ha!

So, okay, y’all know I’m broke as fuck, but I did this user study thing at eBay and got a $50 visa gift card. I thought it was the perfect time to give the Hitachi Magic Wand a shot! And so…I did! I ordered it from Amazon and found one with two attachments for a great price. When it arrived I was a bit nervous about trying it. At first I just plugged it in and held it in my hand and then thought, “Hell no!” It was big and powerful and noisy! I put it away and didn’t touch it for a week.

Then I ran out of batteries for my go-to toy and thought, “Fuck it! Let’s do this thang!” and gave the Hitachi a go. WOW! It was too powerful for me that first time. It made me cum so fast I barely noticed. Which, let’s face it, kind of sucked. I just didn’t know what to make of it. Again, I left it alone for awhile. A few days later I thought to myself, “This is supposed to be the end all be all and I need to figure this shit out!” So I put on my favorite porn (“Libidinous Games” if you’re curious…it’s pretty tame and hilariously dubbed, but feel free to share your faves too) and took my time.

Holy Shitballs, Batman! I came so hard I thought I’d have a heart attack or pass out or something! This thing has two settings: “Low” (we’ll call it the clit pounder) and “High” (aka: are you insane?!?!). I can only handle the “Low” setting thus far. I’ve toyed with the “High” but only for like a second because I’d actually like to have a pussy left intact when I’m done masturbating! Ha-ha!

I have used the attachments and I have to say that they aren’t really that great. They make the whole thing noisier (no thank you) and are a pain to remove. I personally enjoyed the curved g-spot one a lot, but the straight one was of no interest to me (tried it, meh). What works best for me is using the curved attachment thingy to, um, penetrate myself vigorously (Ha-ha) and then remove it and focus on clit stimulation. Again, removal is no fun. I suppose you could leave it on but it will muffle the vibrations while simultaneously making the thing super loud. I don’t get it. I know there are other attachments, but until I have a disposable income (what is that again? Ha-ha!) I won’t have a chance to try ’em (let me know what you think of ones you’ve tried in comments, please).

The bottom line for me is that this thing is awesome! It plugs in so no more batteries!!! This has to be the best part. No waning battery life, no expense or trips to the store. It keeps on truckin’! I have sort of gotten used to the intensity and do try to take my time with it so as not to hurt myself or whatever. AH! The long handle is fantastic, too! That’s a great thing for a short armed, big bellied fatty like me! Long cord, long handle, never ending vibes: happy ‘bating! Ha-ha!

I was always too scared to spend the money on this sexy legend, but I can honestly say that I wouldn’t hesitate now. And I know many people who use it as a genuine massager for those hard to get knots. Especially in your neck/back/shoulders. All in all this is a great toy and a great buy. Do you have one of these babies? Tell me what you think, what works for you, tips, tricks, etc! 🙂

This weekend was incredible! Friday my beloved Raven came by for a visit. I had some horrible family shit go down tat would have sent me over the edge had it not been for her. I was shaking with anger; I so rarely get angry at all so this was especially scary. “To Daiso!” she insisted and off we went for fun, cheap, cute stuff shopping! I scored a cute fedora for $3! Followed by Beard Papas (custard filled cream puffs!) and some serious chatting.

Later that night my “Special Geek” took me out to dinner at one of my favorite places and it was also our three month anniversary (if you’re into that kind of thing, ha-ha!). Saturday my gal Laura came down for a visit and we painted the town red! We were getting dolled up for our night of fun and soon my roommate joined in and we were all trying on each others dresses and shoes and hair stuffs. It was a full on femme fest up in here! Ha-ha!

Before we dashed off we had to get some pics of our hot outfits (both thanks to my gorgeous roommate) and we realized we had no pics of the two of us together. What a crime?! Laura was a great photographer and told me what to do in my pics. Love that! We felt so hot and sexy and fabulous and you know, when you’re in the right company, you just feel fearless, too! 😉

Laura wanted to hit up a local BBW club, and while I so didn’t, I was doing my best to be a gracious hostess and relented. We only stayed for an hour because the DJ is the worst (in the bay area?) and I just cannot stand for a song being played twice within an hour. The folks there were beyond friendly that night and we even caught up with some old acquaintances, but in the end we just had to move onto better things.

We hit up this Irish bar that I love and tore up the dance floor! The DJ there was fantastic! We didn’t stop dancing except to pee and get more Magner’s (Irish hard apple cider). I was on cloud nine! We laughed and danced, she flirted fearlessly and I stood back in awe of her confidence an beauty. Well, take a look for yourself…

I’m so blessed and lucky and grateful to have such wonderful people in my life.

I’m so regretting not taking before and after pictures, but I had no idea getting my car washed would turn into a massive spring (summer?) cleaning project. Actually, this was a big fucking deal, dude! I had a bee in a bonnet, or a wild hair up my ass, whatever, and cleaned and rearranged my entire room! It looks like an actual grown up room now! It no longer looks like my dressers are mid-vomit. Ha-ha! For real, I had broken drawers and clothes stacked nearly to the ceiling. I had shoes everywhere and just stuff, so much stuff! Now? Everything has a place!!! I didn’t even know that was a thing! Ohmigosh! I can walk and dance and move in my room, y’all! This is amazing!

(Pic is from BitStrips, Facebook app…I love it so!)

 I was never actually worried about how my room looked. In fact I really didn’t care. I have had company over and never gave it a second thought. But I also always knew I wanted something better I just never knew where to start or what to do with all the stuff exactly. Who knew where to start was with my car?! I mean, I’d been wanting to get that thing washed for awhile, but after Saturday’s partying it became obvious that my beloved little car needed some serious scrubbing! After that happened I started to move and arrange things in my car and then did some laundry and then and then and then…BAM! It’s like I have a whole new room!

My room now is how it should be. It’s the room I’ve always wanted. It took all day Tuesday and part of Wednesday but it’s beautiful! I keep looking around and cannot believe my eyes! Growing up in the messiest house was always a source of shame, but it was always something I had no control over. No one ever taught me how to keep a house or even to really care for myself, when it gets right down to it. So finally having a clean and organized room AND CLOSET is like the proudest moment, man. All of my stuff is neatly stacked in boxes in the closet and all of my shoes are on the shoe rack I haven’t seen since I moved in. It’s a work of art!

Then tonight when my roommate came home she’d gotten some stuff to spruce up our living room. Now we’re talking about painting and stuff…so awesome! Is anyone else getting this urge to get things moving? I so rarely want to do this stuff, or should I say, the motivation. Ha-ha! While my original motivation wasn’t entirely pure, it certainly ended up that way. It is kind of amazing how emotionally healing this whole thing was. I mean, I feel like serving tea and crumpets on my bed now!

Unfortunately, last night ended on a sour note and left me full of self doubt and questioning. On top of the unexplained disappointment, my insomnia has decided to stop by for a spell and is truly fucking things up. My sleep schedule is way out of whack and just falling asleep has become agonizing. Why is it when we don’t know something that our minds go directly to the worst shit ever?! Not cool! I went from feeling on top of the world (and looking smashing, lemme tell ya!) to feeling like the saddest sack of all. Just wish I knew what happened. Hate feeling like I did something or am not enough…I’m more than enough! I’m awesome!

Well, at least I have this kick ass room. Only a fool wouldn’t consider himself lucky to be invited in. ;)  Now to recruit some tall people to hang some artwork I’ve been saving. Ha! I do have a nifty little craft station now and have given my sad old antenna ball a new life covered in red and black glitter! Oh yeah! Pimpin’ my ride DIY style! It is impressive how much I can get done when my obsessive nature taps into that sweet vein of compulsion. Whew! Even gave myself a pedicure!

I’m in a much better place, mentally, than I thought possible, all things considered. I’ve had such massive waves of insecurity I sort of worried if I’d ever feel like “me” again. But I do and here I am and I’m okay. Actually, I’m a little better than okay today. I’m feeling pretty dang good, both mentally and physically.

Wednesday evening I was taken on an impromptu date to Taco Bell by my BFF P! We randomly wore the exact same color palette (black and red, yo!) and went back to his for fun cocktails and awesomely bad movies. He and I hadn’t hung out just the two of us in years and oh how I loved every minute of it! (We are also starting a movie review YouTube channel, so stay tuned for the hilarity!)

Yesterday…ahhh! Yesterday was sublime! (I don’t know that I’ve used that word much in my life.) The bf took the day off to spend with me and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. We did so many fun things! My favorite though was going to Nickel City! It’s this arcade sort of place, but it’s all run on nickels ($2 admission) and a lot of the older arcade games are on free play (Tetris anyone?!). Ohmigosh! So much fun! We won a bunch of tickets from various games and cashed them in for a Spongebob puzzle and a couple of matching, silver, plastic dollar sign rings. It’s silly and tacky and hilarious and I think I’m in love with this ring! I want to wear it always! 😉 Mostly it was just lovely to spend so much time with someone I, well, want to spend all my time with. Ha-ha!

I went to bed smiling last night and woke up that way as well. It’s hot out and the birds are singing and I slept gorgeously (so needed). I randomly decided to wear this Torrid top I’d bought at least five years ago. I love this top, but have never worn it. I always put it on, then freak out about it and put on something else before going out. Ugh! It’s so pretty and I always thought I could wear it confidently, but that hasn’t been the case. I thought I could pair it with a smart shrug or something, but let’s face it, when it’s hot enough to wear this kind of top you’re so not wanting to layer it. Ugh! But today I felt great and it’s hot out and I thought, “Fuck it! I’m doing this thang today!!!” and so I did!

(Sorry, couldn’t get a full body shot, plus I’m just in my undies right now. Ha-ha!)

And a side note here, can I bitch for a moment about my Sally Hansen Gel manicure thing? Ugh! I’d wanted this thing for awhile and finally found a new one on eBay for a steal. I realize I didn’t pay full price, but I was excited to use this product. It claimed a long lasting (2 weeks) chip resistant manicure. ONE DAY!!! It last one fucking day! First thing yesterday on nail entirely peeled off (see pic above)! WTF?! The rest are all chipping and catching on everything. I’ll be taking it all off today, but seriously this is some bullshit! 1-2 days versus two weeks?! Not cool! I do not recommend this product at all. I expect more from Sally Hansen (for some reason) and cannot believe how much they’re charging (retail) for this crap. Ahem. *StepsOffSoapBox*

So, yeah, I’m feeling pretty good. Going to stay in today until it cools off. Have many jobs to apply to anyway. I’m waiting to hear back about my unemployment claim. Fingers crossed. I hope you all have a lovely weekend!
<3
S