Socially Fat
I was thinking about social networking on my way into work this morning. Okay, I think about a lot of things in the car, I have a 45 minute commute after all. And well, I listen to things like KPFA & today, the Fatcast: Two Whole Cakes! On said Fatcast, they were talking about gender in relation to fat. And while my thoughts were wandering at a stop light I found myself thinking about fats and how we can use social networking to our fatvantage (totally made that up but I like it!). I only use social networking sites (like facebook, twitter, myspace, linkedin, etc) for staying in touch or up to date with friends. Mostly people I know in my social circle, but also people I have met through blogs or livejournal. I enjoy getting updates on their lives or things they’re into or what have you. But this morning I started thinking about dating.
Okay, so I’ve been married 6 years and my husband and I have been together for over 12 years…so it’s been awhile since I’ve dated (if you can even call it that). Back then it was just AOL and chat rooms. Ha-ha! Oh man, so much time chatting with all sorts of people. I found myself in an San Francisco based one even though that wasn’t where I lived. Made some friends, but mostly just found drama. Today there’s a ton of dating specific sites, not to mention the usual ones like I mentioned above. Back then I would simply identify as full figured. Funny, I would never say this now. I prefer FAT! I remember a specific instance that turned out alright after all was said and done, but the guy in question when answering his door for our “date” (he was going to make me dinner, oh yeah!), “Um, you’re more full figured than I thought.” and I responded unflinchingly, “Yeah, you’re a lot skinner and shorter than I thought.” but we got along so well over the phone it seemed silly to let this get in the way. We eventually became friends, but then life happened and we lost touch.
It makes me wonder about fats in the dating scene today. Especially online? I mean, your employer can look you up for free so it’s best to keep these things low-key, right? When MySpace was at the height of it’s popularity it seemed to be full of nothing but wannabe porn stars mugging for (or showing other things very close to) the camera. Now it seems like only comedians and aspiring musicians use it. I don’t see much of that sort of thing on Facebook, I wonder why. Or maybe it’s there and just not in my circle of friends. At any rate I was thinking on this and wondering how one presents themselves in the dating environments of the interwebz. I think if for whatever reason I found myself “out there” again (like what, in the cold & rain? Ha-ha!) I’d be much more willing to identify as fat and think it would be a great jerk filter simply by using that word.
Certainly there are fat specific communities and events. I’ve seen many a BBW night at local clubs/bars, meet up groups and such…I’ve never been to one, being that I am married, but have wondered what that’s like. Is it a bunch of sleezeballs on the prowl for their next fat-lay? Because it does seem to be an accepted (although mega-wrong) concept of a fat woman being easy. I don’t think I ever hat to beat them off with a stick (as my uncles all warned when I was a little girl), but I was hardly in want of a lover, for sure. I just can’t wrap my head around how technology has taken over that part of our social interactions.
I have always been one for more spontaneous human interactions, preferably in a public place. Do blind dates still happen? Do successful relationships ever start at a bar? I met my husband by hiring him for x-mas help at a music store, so that was easy. He came to me. Ha! Prior to that though I would usually meet guys at music shows or goth clubs or through friends or at parties, just whenever wherever, ya know? Ugh!
I know it’s rough on the old self-esteem no matter how you find dates, but with the amount of control you have over your profiles and images online, is it easier? Are people photo shopping and glamor shooting themselves into an unrecognizable fantasy? I guess it’s pretty dang random of me to even care, but hey I just think about stuff!
I would love LOVE to hear from anyone who has some first hand experience on the subject. Speak up! I wanna talk!
Thanks for reading as always, darlings.
=0)
You should totally repost this on LJ fattyboom_boom. http://community.livejournal.com/fattyboom_boom/profile
I have comments, but I’m going to keep them private since a lot of the experience is derived 1) from single friends and 2) from my research.
Wondering why I’m not already in that community. Ha-ha! Thanks.
I think I’m qualified to comment on this one.
I met my boyfriend (read the love of my life and the man I will spend the rest of my life with) on an Australian online dating site just over seven months ago.
After having my heart broken by a man I thought was the man of my dreams months earlier (who I had met volunteering in Kenya) and STILL not able to get over him, I decided that it was time to take the plunge and put myself out there.
I started slowly, crafting my profile and selecting photos that were flattering, but didn’t hide the fact that I’m a fattie. I can’t remember what the categories were for body size, but I know there was one for average, one for ‘a little more’ and one for ‘extra large’ – they put it a little less crudely than that. I varied between putting ‘a little more’ and ‘extra large’ because I was nervous that I would never get a date if I categorised myself in the largest category.
I didn’t do much profile surfing to start with, but waited for guys to contact me. They did … but never the ones I wanted. Always the guys who wanted a quick root, but not anyone looking for something deeper.
So I took the bull by the horns and started searching for myself. I told myself I wasn’t shallow by only contacting guys who had photos which gave me an initial attraction. Mostly though, it was based on what they said. But when my bf’s profile came up, sans picture, I couldn’t bring myself to flick past it. He said some profound stuff in his profile, and some stuff that made me laugh. So I sent him through a message, and almost immediately he responded.
We chatted for all of an hour online before he asked me on a date, for that evening. I made sure he’d looked carefully at my profile, and my pictures, and pointed out that I was a ‘big girl’. It was no problem.
When he sent me through a photo, it was of a guy that I probably would have passed over in my search, but I’d had so much fun talking to him that I thought one date couldn’t hurt.
I look back on that and think how shallow I was and could have been, and could have missed out on the best thing that ever happened to me!!
Anyway, that was probably way too wordy for what you were after. The moral of the story is:
Yes people choose pictures that flatter themselves – a photo that is a year or more old, or crops out particular parts of themselves.
Yes people lie about their body type.
Yes people avoid you based on the fact that you’re fat.
Yes people lie about what they’re looking for on the online dating scene.
I had some really disgusting interactions in the few weeks that I was checking it out, but I also had a couple of nice ones, and of course, the one amazing one.
Personally, I view it as another way of connecting with people – mostly people that I wouldn’t meet if I was out at a bar. I don’t go out to bars, neither does my bf. My life consists of work and very specific play on the weekends. I think it appeals to people approaching 30, or anyone serious about looking for someone with similar values and interests to you.
Thank you for sharing your story. Wow, you’ve had some adventures out in the world, too! That is so rad! It seems as though things haven’t changed so much since I was dating, but there are far more outlets for these types of interactions is all. I am so happy for you both! I love hearing how people meet!
About a year after leaving a really toxic relationship, I signed up for e-harmony. A friend and I took some photos and I posted the more flattering ones (but they didn’t hide my size). I went out on a few dates and finally met a really great guy I’ve been dating for 8 months. He makes me feel confident (read fat and sassy) and sexy.
I don’t really trust pics so I didn’t take them seriously. It was nice to get to know people for who they were before I really knew what they looked like.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so glad that you’ve found someone awesome! I am not sure how common that is with eharmony, but hooray for the two of you! =0)
I use OKCupid (which is free!) because as far as I know it is the most queer-friendly site of the major sites (e-harmony, match.com, etc) even though it still has a way to go on that front.
Anyways, they give a few options for size that I’m not completely happy with. I’m listed as ‘full-figured’ but I think the option they have for the largest of folks is ‘overweight’ (it used to be ‘obese’ !!!) which I don’t identify as for obvious reasons. I think the other options are curvy, a little extra and fit, thin, etc. I wish fat were an option, because thats what I would choose first. I don’t get a whole lot of hits on my account because it is pretty specific of what I am looking for but I have full body shots and in my profile I list fat acceptance as something I think about or care about or something like that.
Thank you for sharing this. I think it’s fantastic that you’re putting fat acceptance out there and as a part of your dating profile. To me that is some rad activism!