Too Many Possibilities?
I used to write poetry, like all of the time…but only when I was depressed, which was all of the time. I felt that depression gave me something to write about. It fueled my writing and me and gave me something to do. I think too much as a default, so writing things out helps anyway. But just now while trying to figure out what to write about today I realized it’s been such a struggle lately because I’ve been depressed. What? I know! Funny how things can switch on you without notice like that, eh? But it’s true. What was once a constant source of inspiration has been left in the dust.
I was a very depressed person in my teens and early 20’s. Specifically, the most concentrated bit at least, when I was 19 transitioning into 20. My friend Steph could tell you all about it, poor thing, she was right there with me everyday almost, back then. We lived on Lean Cuisines and Jose Cuervo. We did a lot of stupid shit and had a great time doing it. But I would always go home in a pit of despair, she always seemed able to keep the spice of life at hand and ready for more. I was such a sad thing that I got a very regrettable tattoo. I have it to this day and while I want to cover it, part of me feels like it represents a time of my life that I shouldn’t want to forget. And I don’t think I want to forget it anymore.
Now I find that if I’m down or fully depressed, I can’t write for my wonderful readers. It’s not fair to them. It’s not giving them my truest me or the goodness that they give me back. Basically, I’ve suddenly lost my inspiration for writing. It bums me out even more, but I know this isn’t productive so I’m trying to lift myself out of this. I mean, we’re all struggling right now. I don’t know anyone who isn’t. And while I am mega-struggling financially, emotionally I need to make myself a priority. We all should do this, yo! Self-care is so vital, I say it all of the damned time. Ha-ha!
But then I was thinking the other day of doing a video series or a photo series of some sort. It was late at night and when I woke up I couldn’t remember what the subject/goal was supposed to be. Ack! I hate when you get great ideas when you’re just trying to go to sleep. I always feel like if I get up to write it down I won’t ever fall asleep and so I never do. Oh well. I guess if it’s that awesome it’ll come back to me. Fingers crossed!
What would you like to read/watch/see? I feel like I’m in this huge transitional phase and can do whatever the hell I want with my life and this blog and so why not dive in…but the endless possibilities are stifling. I need your input. You have all been so there for me, through all of my crazy-cafe years and beyond. I will write or record or photograph whatever you wish, my lovelies. You mean so much to me, I just need a little push in the right direction. I’m very open to guest posts, too! Just hit me up! My email: notblueatall@notblueatall.com
And here is me today, raw and natural and without any alteration, fresh from the shower, the real and true me:
Thank you all for being your authentic selves with me, too. You mean the world to me. Thank you!
You are much prettier than I had realised 🙂
I wish I had your skin and hair!
Christine: Um, Thank you?! I mean, that wasn’t the point of the post (hunting for compliments). I have posted my pics on here a bunch of times before. But thank you anyway. It amazes me when people say that about My skin and hair. I’m always like, “What? Are you blind?!” but that’s always how it is, right? We never like what we’ve got. Grass is greener and all. Ha-ha!
I think you should write/do/post whatever you want, whatever you’re inspired to write/do/post. This is your blog and you should do with it what’s important to you, what’s going on in your life, in your mind at the moment.
If that turns out to be not writing for a while and just posting pics of things you think are cool, have meaning for you, then do that. If it turns out to be writing and posting your poems, do that. If it turns out to be not blogging at all for a while, do that. This is your time of transition and I think it’s important for you to concentrate on what you need and want to do to help yourself through it.
I have a Livejournal page that I used to keep up fairly regularly. But lately, some stuff that’s been going on in my life has been so overwhelming that I’m not even sure how to put it into words and my LJ page has dried up. Taking the time to think about what I want to say about what’s going on in my life and process my feelings by writing about them can sometimes be as overwhelming as experiencing the actual stuff. So my journal entries have been a little scarce lately while I just live through what I’m feeling. Once I’ve had time to reflect on things, put some space between myself and some of what’s been going on, I may feel like writing about it and have an easier time finding the words. But for now, I feel like being silent on LJ, so that’s what I’m doing. It’s what I need right now.
thirtiesgirl: I get what you’re saying, but it’s just that I don’t know what the hell is going on with me. This transitional bullshit is bumming me out. I don’t even know what I’m transitioning into here, ya know? It’s just frustrating, which is like my least favorite emotion next to dread. Thank you for being so supportive, I do appreciate it.
You do have a beautiful picture face and body! Own that. B/c I always look slightly drunk or lost in photos, and my face shape is awkward! lol Since you do write, would you consider doing National Novel Writing Month (50k words in a month)? Maybe you could do a life-story book, or a body-positive book of poetry? Not that anyone has time for anything of that sort! but…just an idea. (I’m actually going to force myself to do it this year…It will be a huge fucking shove…but worth a shot I suppose…)
The parts of yourself that you have shared with us about your life, outlook, and the way you are so at peace with your body has been great. I always love the TMI posts, and the Tank-Tuesday where you show photos of other lovely fat women!
E. Ai B.: Thank you, darlin’. I may post some old and somewhat embarrassing poetry here, not sure yet. But NaNoWriMo? NO WAY! I have two friends who try to get me to do it every year, three years so far, and I just can’t. It’s not my style. I need inspiration, not so much motivation. Once I have something in mind to write, that’s all I do is write. But thank you, I know it does work for some. Thank you for reading and commenting on here. It means a lot to me.
Your posts are always so well timed, it’s eerie! As you know I’ve been organizing my home office. This weekend I pulled out the old writing that I’ve saved in a box, and I found a folder dedictated to you and all the writing you’ve sent me in the past. The Floral Fancy of Zephyrus – it was called. I read some of my old stuff too. Our youth seems to have been punctuated with a combination of angst, anger, and imagination – pretty normal stuff for that age I think. Oh, how often I wrote about lonliness and death! But when I read this now…maybe I’m a little embarrassed by some of it…but I’m also impressed by the honesty of it. And I think there is still plenty of angst, anger, and imagination to share, it’s just more mature now – more thoughtful, less melodramatic.
Maybe the way to get out of the rut of not being able to write is a momentary spurt of some other creative activitiy. I like the idea of a photo or video series. Let me know if I can help with that. Sometimes it can be hard to commit to actualizing an idea, especially if you’re feeling depressed. But I always find in such times that if I force myself to do something non-routine, it ends up being worth my while. I end up being inspired.
Alena: Thank you. Yes, we wrote so much I am so sad that I lost some of what I’d saved. I would love to see your Zephyrus Zinda stash. I’m fine with the actualizing of something, it’s the “what the hell should I do” phase I can’t shake. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. Your perspective always seems new to me. Thanks for that.
I agree you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself. Certainly don’t put your readers before yourself! But if you want to be able to write because you think it will make you feel better, I understand that. I definitely vote for some kind of project.
As someone who’s also been a bit down lately, I was just watching some Smart Girls at the Party and it totally cheered me up. Have you ever watched it? Oh, it is glorious!
http://www.hulu.com/smart-girls-at-the-party
withoutscene: thank you. No, never heard of it. I’ll check it out, thanks.
I’m sorry to hear you have been suffering depression lately hon. I know it all to well, it sucks and I hope it passes for you soon.
I’d love to see photographic or video posts from you, on any subject which you so choose. I like when bloggers talk about things that matter to and interest them.
Kath: Thanks, i do think I’m over the worst of it now. I really think it’s all to do with staying in too much. After a few days of socializing I feel so much better.