After years of frustration, trying to date and stay covid safe, and then reading a few articles about how these apps work, data privacy and more…I’m done! I just can’t be fucking bothered to care anymore. I kept them for so long, I think, to prove that I’m “trying” and haven’t “given up” or become “bitter.” Now I say fuck all of that! They are gaming us all and it’s a giant fucking joke that I am choosing to no longer be a part of. 

I never had a hard time dating before covid, like, ever. Sure, I’ve had the usual ups and downs of single life and relationships, but getting dates was just a thing I took for granted. Even after everything moved to the apps, I was in it to win it and did just fine that way for years. When covid happened I was fresh out of a short relationship that had made me realize that I had better standards than I used to and wouldn’t settle for the bullshit being thrown my way. I relished in my solitude, and `I still had my puggo then. Things were weird, but I can handle weird. I even found another brief relationship in 2022, but that one was a wake up call. I had had too many great first dates that quickly turned into love bombing. Like, expressions and demands of exclusion on date 1, exclamations of love on date 2. Yikes!

And then everyone collectively decided they no longer cared about the life risks of covid and carried on as if it never existed. Being of sound mind, I could not go along with the crowd or even gaslight myself into beliving anything had changed with covid because it still fucking hasn’t, it is in fact worse now than ever (and I don’t give a shit if you believe me, the data doesn’t lie). I started matching with people who seemed perfect on paper, but suddenly no one could offer more than a few consecutive, “Hi, how’s your day?” not even bothering to respond when I reply asking the same or new questions. I couldn’t understand it. Why match and message if you’re not interested in actually meeting up ever? Or they would say initially that they were covid safe, or even lie about specifics, only to then admit they lied and aren’t safe or caring at all about anything. 

This past weekend was another such person, though they didn’t start with lying, they immediately admitted that they no longer mask around others. I replied, “It’s never too late to start again!” and we talked for a few days on the app to measure compatibility, and on paper everything seemed right. We set up a date and then I got there and they flaked. Claimed some emergency that I knew was a lie and then unmatched me later on. So what the fuck is the point?!??! 

I’m convinced that no one is actually dating and we’re all just participating in this app nonsense and becoming miserable from it. Then I read an article about Hinge’s new terms of service and immediately deleted my account. In doing so and having to jump through the dark design hoops of these fucking things, “Are you sure you want to delete? Are you sure you’re sure? Really and truly and honestly sure?” I grew angry and realized that they are all the same with just slightly different wording and features. They are all based on the same algorithmic futility of everything online these days. I’m sick of it!

I dated the old school way in the 90’s. Never had a problem. I dated through AOL chat rooms back in the day, quite successfully. But these apps are not actually made for dating, only the endless illusion of a possibility of maybe getting a date, but it isn’t likely. I have met people and had relationships through the apps years ago, but something changed during that first year of covid that seems irreversible now. While the nihilist in me thinks it’s directly correlated to a mass disease that damages the brain and other organs and thus our collective empathy and cognitive abilities have greatly decreased. But can that really be it? Like, I genuinely wanna know but also I feel like, deep down, western society as a whole is in the shitter right now. 

Nope, it’s the apps. It is really the apps, it has made us all feel as though we must keep our options open when the reality is there are no options when everyone is keeping things open like this, constantly wondering if they can do or find better. They have made it so that dopamine hit from getting a match is enough to keep us in their game, but we get nothing out of it but that moment. I had inboxes full of matches on all of the apps, and I really had ALL of them, but no one could hold a conversation. So it’s futile. 

That last date flaking made me so mad because I had the tiniest glimmer of hope that I never truly asked for, only to have it dashed so pathetically. What really is the point?! Dates flaking has become the norm. I hate it. People ghosting is the norm. I hate it. People are fucking cowards. I hate it. I would rather someone tell me they are no longer feeling it or simply changed their mind. No worries, I get that. But the endless lies I have no tolerance for in my life. None. When you lie to someone you are revoking their ability to have an authentic reaction or experience in their life and your own, so what is the fucking point?! 

Covid is having the worst and longest wave we have seen since 2020. No, you won’t likely see much about it covered in any media because that is what media is now, nothing important and mostly propaganda to keep us distracted. In my area alone it has been up 395% for the last 4 weeks with no signs of it waning soon. I don’t go out much as it is, but less so during these big surges. So unless someone approaches me at work, the parking lot at work, or my apartment’s parking lot, there’s really no chance of me meeting any prospects now. The apps were my only way to meet other singles in my area. 

I am happy alone. I love my solitude. It allows me to be and feel things as I would naturally without the usual filter of others preferences or input or obligations or questions. I would like to share my life with someone, but it takes two to tango and I can’t magically conjure someone out of thin air. This isn’t some, “Oh the poor fat girl has low self esteem” issue. After that flaked date I got home and looked in the mirror aghast at how gorgeous I looked. For what?! To buy a lukewarm iced latte and sit in a horrifically uncomfortable chair only to find out they flaked and drive home?! No thank you! I mean it truly is a shame that with what I have to offer, and it’s a lot, that there really isn’t a platform or place or way to connect with people who are genuinely interested.

There’s gotta be a better way, right? When the person of my dreams is likely sitting at home feeling all of these same things, and there’s no way for us to connect… I guess we all just die alone wondering what if. I know there are in person events around the country in big cities growing in popularity, but they are mostly for under 40’s and typically very hetero-normative and very not covid safe. I’m not willing to risk my life for a possibility at a chance at maybe meeting someone in person like that. My long cpvid symptoms are finally giving me some reprieve, but I am still struggling. And I know that I wouldn’t be compatible with someone who isn’t as safe as me, it really is an ethical and moral issue for me. I want someone to have my back in the revolution, not lie about shit. 

So that’s it. 

The next soul who dares to pitch woo in my direction better be ready to write some fucking sonnets! Because my peace will henceforth be my top priority!  

(I am also seriously considering killing this blog at the end of the year. I don’t know that the archives would be of any interest or value to anyone. We have lost a lot of such content in recent years from our fat community and blogs of yore. It doesn’t seem that this blog is visited often enough that anyone would notice, though. I mean, I write for myself so it’s neither here nor there to me other than the annual expense.)

***

I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall currently donations will be given directly to Black women in need through my network.

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog: http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same shared content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.) notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Oh, My Love,

I see you holding it all in, doing your best to keep it all together, to not trouble a soul with your needs or existence. So much taken away, yet you persist and try each day. The struggle seems impossible but you do not give up. Such strength, such determination! I see you hoping and dreaming, even in the midst of the world crumbling before your very eyes. I see you give and pour yourself into who and what little you have left to connect with and hold onto. It doesn’t matter if they don’t see or care. You wanting to do it is enough. Others refusal to see or care is not your cross to bear. For yours is a life of depth and love, regardless of any type of romance. I love you and I am sorry that you must continue on, on your own, always.


Love,
Me

I wrote a series of posts back in 2011 that really helped me start my life over again after leaving my marriage and selling my cafe. I thought about just revising and updating them, but instead I took a different approach. I still think those posts are helpful, especially as a jumping off point or as prompts to get you thinking about things a lil’ differently. I hope more than anything that this connects with you, even in a small way. Feel free to add your thoughts or comments below. 

What matters to you? This can take some time but give it some thought. Deep down, do you have some core principles or beliefs that have never changed for you? For me that would be fighting for the “underdog”. When I was younger I leaned a bit too hard on the fighting part and it took me well into my thirties to do the real work which is listening to the marginalized. The fight only helps or works if you listen to those with the experience of what you’re fighting for or against. Listening to ourselves is so important, too. Listen to your inner thoughts and pay attention to how your body reacts in different situations or different people. It can be shocking to discover how much of yourself you have hidden away or tamped down or contorted in order to make things easier or better for others. When you know what matters most to you, you can then do more of what aligns with your true self and begin building the life you’ve always wanted. Your confidence will increase, things like others negative comments or obligatory family things feel less stressful when you know what You are all about. You are an adult and can opt out of any and all things that make you feel less than or gross about.

Who do you look up to and why? What qualities do they have that you admire? Are there qualities you have that you don’t like? I found that I admired people who were quick to admit their own faults and learn from them rather than those who would cover them up or get defensive. I looked up to people who read books and had an inner fascination with the world. I always loved people who sought out, fought for, and revealed the truth to all. Rarely the popular ones, but something about that fierce integrity always captivated me. So, back in 2010, I made a commitment to myself to stop lying entirely. I started small, by not lying to myself about things and people and soon challenged myself to stop lying for niceties sake. It was a big game changer for me. It shifted my outlook on myself, life, and other people, too. You can make very small changes that will have a ripple effect and really turn things around before you know it!

It helps to think of these things in smaller and simpler terms. I am not a goal oriented person. I do like a challenge, however, so that is what helped me to change parts of myself and become more aligned with who I wanted to be. I would challenge myself to try something, to push beyond my comfort zone. Even so far as scaring myself a little. Wow! That really changed my life! I opened a business, walked in fashion shows, danced on stages, sang in public, went for jobs I never would have dreamed of. Push yourself a little, see what happens. You will surprise yourself with what you’re capable of. Now I am able to look back, even in my darkest moments, and know that I really did those things. Just over five years ago I would cry myself to sleep sometimes hoping, wishing, dreaming of one day being able to rent an apartment of my own (as in with no roommates or partners). It felt so unattainable. I thought I’d be living in roommate hell or makeshift housing forever. I have been happily living solo for five years exactly! Even as I was making the changes I needed to and was working towards this long sought outcome, it didn’t seem possible or real. Now I have to laugh at that but we are rarely the ones to see right away how our hard work has paid off, so to speak. 

You will need to create boundaries for how you will accept being treated by others. This will not be easy, and it will likely be painful. You get to decide how you want to be treated. You do not have to accept being treated as less than. You do not have to bear witness and sit helplessly while others tear you down. Yes, even if it’s family. You are an adult who gets to choose who you want in your life, and who you want to share company or your free time with. If you feel like shit whenever you interact with someone, you get to say when you have had enough and you won’t tolerate it anymore. That will often mean cutting people out of your life entirely. Not always, but it is difficult for people to see how their own behavior affects others, and they get to decide if they want to change in order to keep you in their lives. You do not have to put up with assholes and bullies. Especially when it is family, friends, or even your own intrusive thoughts. 

Does the life you want include feeling like dog poo? Demand better and be willing to walk away from people and things that don’t make you feel welcome and valued. 

Get out of the scarcity mindset. I still struggle with this. Just because someone came from nothing, or is struggling with poverty now, or is older or fatter or whatever, it does not mean that they are less deserving of something. You do not deserve less just because you don’t feel like your best self or are going through a tough time or are different from someone else. Just because I’m not rolling in riches doesn’t mean I don’t know how to have fun or enjoy my life. No matter what you look like or came from, you are very much desirable and even a dream date to others. You don’t get to decide how others feel about you, it honestly doesn’t even matter what others think of you. If you are living in alignment with the life you want and the person you want to be, the people and opportunities will come. You do not need to fit into someone else’s box or ideas of you in order to be happy. This is about you and your life, no one else’s. 

Think about how you can accommodate yourself now for the life and body you’re in today. Putting off things “until…” is self sabotaging, in my opinion. That goalpost will likely keep moving and no one on their deathbed wishes they ate less or did less things with fewer people. Whatever the inhibitor, ultimately it is us that holds ourselves back from the things we want or dream of. When I was inspired to open a cafe years ago, I wanted my friends to talk me out of it, though I never said so. Part of me still felt less than and unqualified or unworthy. I thought surely someone who loves me will tell me not to do it. Not a single person said a single negative or worrisome thing about it. My nearest and dearest were my biggest supporters. That is how it should be of course, but it was never clearer to me than then. I think I wanted to be let off the hook but everyone was so excited for me to do this big thing that scared the shit out of me. So I did it anyway! Do the scary thing, often that fear can be fuel or even confused for excitement. Also, make accommodations for yourself in just practical ways like maybe you love cooking but you have back pain that prevents you from doing the prepwork or whatever. Get a rolling stool for your kitchen or a smaller table you can use to do that work sitting down. Just because we have been taught to do things a certain way doesn’t mean there’s no other ways and you have to give up things that you enjoy. Get a shower stool or buy that lotion applicator so you can use the lovely smelling lotion that makes you feel dreamy. Shame and guilt suck the joy out of life, release it and find new ways to get back to or discover the things that bring you more joy, not less.

It took me ages to understand what it means to truly enjoy your own company. When I found myself moving back to the hometown that I experienced horrific trauma, during one of the lowest points in my adult life, I was faced with fighting my own demons on top of everything else I was going through. I was dating someone that wasn’t right for me, but was close enough that I settled for four years of what was really just gaslighting and a good sense of humor. It was really hard for me to be alone with myself and not disassociate or lean into old habits and self harm. I stumbled a lot, but felt determined to survive and find my way to the other side of my own CPTSD hell. Sometimes I kept on keeping on out of sheer spite. It works for me, but your mileage may vary. I would be in my worst moments and then think of like Mitch McConnell and just think fuck that guy why does he get to be happy? Certainly I am deserving of a decent life if that evil motherfucker is still kicking and smiling. Also, super volcanoes. It was comforting for me at times when very depressed to go to sleep and tell myself that a super volcano can erupt at any time and I wouldn’t even know it, I’d just be gone. Poof! Again, we all have things that can help us through, I think because I went through some true horrors so young that things like that can feel better than the things I actually experienced. Find what helps you and use it! 

A lot of our developmental years are spent having adults in our lives tell us things and insist they are the only or right way to be or think or feel or live. I recently heard this phrase, “Who taught you that and why?” and it can really help find things that you were taught that a.) aren’t actually true/right and b.) are not in alignment with who you are or want to become. So much of our upbringing is learning how to just be in the world, but our adult lives are more about finding our own way in the world. which often requires unlearning a lot of what we were taught. Some things I was raised to believe have been helpful and meaningful but some of it was and has been actually harmful. I learned my work ethic from my dad and grandma, and that has definitely helped me in life but it has also harmed me. My dad worked a full shift with a burst appendix, while working in retail management back in the day, and then drove himself to the ER. I had pneumonia for a month while working overtime as a retail manager, and I do not recommend it. I think many of us are raised with a specific idea of what success looks like, especially in American Capitalism, but is it what you truly want or view as success? It’s not for me, though I was also duped by those beliefs. I was climbing the corporate ladder and had a career I never could have dreamed of only to constantly feel like a fish out of water trying to fit in with the wolves of the corporate world. Don’t let others beliefs or desires dictate what matters to you.

Check in with yourself often. Life happens quickly and if you don’t stop to check in with how you’re really feeling about things you can easily get overwhelmed or feel out of control. Maybe you feel like nothing is going your way or you’re in a rut. So what would change that? What would make you feel more engaged or in control of your life? Sometimes it can be the smallest thing that can completely change how you feel about your life. Clothes have always been a struggle for me, and then of course having to organize them in some way always felt out of reach and stressful. When my clothes rack broke years ago and I was lamenting the mountain of chaos it made in my room, a friend offered to help me install an exterior closet sort of thing. It was such a simple solution, took all of ten minutes to install, and it lifted such an emotional burden from my mind. The next few weeks I would smile every time I walked into my room and saw my pretty dresses all hung up together instead of feeling overwhelmed and ashamed at the mess. Things we put off or ignore or pretend are fine usually feel way bigger than they really are. Putting off a phone call you’re dreading always feels worse than actually getting that call over with. Whew! 

Did you used to love something but was shamed by others? Did your parents forbid you from or take something away that you always wished you could go back and have again? Find a way to bring that or its elements back into your life. There’s a lot to be said of nostalgia, but it does give your brain a lil’ hit of dopamine. It also helps to heal some things from childhood whether we want to address them or not. I was dating someone who was an excellent gift giver. They gave me a special anniversary edition of Strawberry Shortcake for my birthday one year. When I opened the box just a smidge to see if it smelled like it did in the 80’s, the joy and absolute dreamy-pleasure of it and the memories it evoked, unmatched. But it doesn’t have to be a thing, maybe it’s music you weren’t allowed to listen to or perhaps you were told you couldn’t sing so you stopped. Find something that recaptures that pure happy feeling you had back when. Maybe it’s a dish your grandma made or a place you used to visit. It all may sound frivolous, but it can be so powerful it will knock your socks off. This has helped me with reparenting myself, too. When you grow to not trust adults at a young age even hearing the word reparent sounds revolting, but these little nuggets of childhood awe and joy led me to what I really needed then, a parent I could trust and would protect me. So now I do that for myself and it is helping me in so many ways.

Once you know what you want in life, and who you want to be and not just what you were told you needed to be, you get to practice and adopt these attributes and ways of being for yourself and create the life you can truly enjoy. When they say “fake it ’til you make it” it is really just another way of saying “practice makes perfect”. First of all, perfection is a myth, toss that concept out the window! No one and nothing is perfect, never has been and never will be. Practice is how we get good at things. You didn’t just come into the world walking or talking or snapping your fingers. You had to learn, which takes practice. You have to try on and practice this new person and life you’re trying to become. Something that helped me practice is having a little sign  with an affirming phrase or photo on the inside of your door and on your bathroom mirror, somewhere you look at at least twice a day. One of mine was “You’re a total badass!” and another was, “You’re fucking awesome!” I like swear words, you may or may not, whatever works for you is the point. You don’t have to believe what it says at first, but I encourage you to read it aloud at least once a day. On my mirror at home now I have this silly little stick figure flossing their teeth with the words “floss them shits!” on it, and I love it, I laugh every time I see it and I don’t forget to floss.The things we surround ourselves with have an impact. I soon found myself not just saying, but believing and ultimately knowing that I am a total badass. Nothing can take that away from me now, it is me. For me, being a total badass at its core is caring. I care, often more than I should, but I care deeply and I refuse to feel ashamed of that anymore. To be kind and caring in this world is punk as fuck! 

All that matters is you and how you feel about you. I use the deathbed metaphor a lot, but if I can look back and have no regrets, then I feel good, ya know? I don’t regret not fitting in or never becoming class president, even though they felt important at the time. I didn’t get the opportunities others have had. I have had to fight and work hard as hell to even survive but I am a wonderful person to know and be around with unbeatable integrity as a result. I know that my principles have never wavered. I have always cared, but I used to hide it and suffer because of that. I let go of the guilt and shame I was raised with and decided for myself what success looks like. I never saw myself as a corporate climber, but found myself trying so hard to be that even though it never felt right. Trust your intuition to tell you when things aren’t right for you, it won’t steer you wrong. Most of my very few regrets are when I ignored my intuition because I felt I had to or was trying to be nice, but it wasn’t nice for me in the end. If something feels off, hit pause and find out why, or simply get the fuck out of there. I may have missed out on things that traditionally others look back on as their glory days but those people rarely like themselves now. Me? I love myself! I can honestly say that. It took a ton of work to get here but I don’t need others’ validation to feel good about myself now. 

***

I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall currently donations will be given directly to Black women in need through my network.

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog: http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same shared content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.) notblueatall@notblueatall.com

I have not shared much about my life with long covid, though no one can say that I’ve been quiet about it, but I have had a few people reach out with gratitude for sharing a tiny bit of LC life and so if it can help others, I’m here for it. My symptoms have been consistent but also consistently sporadic. This past weekend my tinnitus had suddenly returned for an extended episode this time and it had me very alarmed. I had almost forgotten what hell it was to live with for months on end. I didn’t tell anyone about it when it was at its worst last year because I think I was afraid of being gaslit or being called a hypochondriac. Now it is a random occurrence, usually less than five minutes. This time it was a little over two hours. While many of my symptoms have waned in severity, some go away for days or weeks and then come back out of nowhere. It is annoying for sure, but imagine already having your life so limited by this viral persistence and having more symptoms suddenly and then not and so on.

I have more good days than bad now and for that I am very grateful. The bad days are really bad though. Taking a shower can feel herculean in exertion sometimes, but for many months it was every time. It is hard to stay motivated and want to start your day when you don’t know if you can even make it through the day without collapsing. I have had such great improvement lately that when these random symptom episodes occur it kind of hits me harder, even though I was used to them a few months ago. My whole-body pain isn’t as bad as it was just three months ago, but then Saturday it was so hard to even move. Sunday I felt great and was able to do laundry and make my bed and other chores as well as doing my nails. Sunday night though I had the worst episode of chills since the acute phase of my only Covid infection last year. Mind you it was 65 degrees outside, so warmer inside by a bit, and I had full body chills that felt like my bones were turning into ice. I checked my temperature three times, convinced I was sick again. Nope, no fever. I was bundled in my down-alternative comforter as well as my usual summer comforter, and I was absolutely freezing.

Insomnia is kind of the worst part, at least in its variance of type and severity. I can usually fall asleep fine, which is huge for someone who has had insomnia for over thirty years, but I seem to always wake up a couple of hours later and then getting back to sleep feels impossible. I wake up feeling as though I was physically ripped from the deepest state of pleasant unconsciousness and then WHAM I’m awake. I have tried all the things I am willing to (I am not fucking around with the Ambien walrus – if you have other suggestions not OTC please share), but this is definitely long covid related. Same with my digestive issues. I went off all of my supplements by accident but was actually feeling really good about it for about six weeks. I just started my probiotic again this morning and have now added a simple multi vitamin. I was taking 8 different supplements every morning for about six months. The first thing that I noticed that really helped was a mushroom supplement that I am convinced got rid of my tinnitus. I thought that the natokinese had gotten rid of my brain fog, but wouldn’t that have returned after stopping it? Hmm…

Because every symptom is not constant, it makes it tougher to support. I can’t say treat because there is no treatment for long covid yet. I do all I can to support my symptoms with what I have access to, knowing full well that the medical world is not yet ready to even approach it and will predictably dismiss it as mental health issues. Ugh! I have had to learn how to support myself through some pretty horrific health crises these last few years. Long covid made that even more clear, that I have to be the grown up, for myself. I am glad I live alone most of the time because the way I have embraced openly moaning and groaning and whining when I’m feeling terrible has really helped me keep my motivation to at least try to do things that are hard or painful. When your entire body is screaming in pain, I figure why not join the chorus?! It sucks when I’m in pain like that at work though, it doesn’t happen often anymore, but I can’t openly groan in the office. Ha-ha!

Living with long covid for fifteen months is no easy feat! Only 7% ever fully recover, and since this is a SARS related thing, many from the SARS1 epidemic are still suffering its effects. That is an upsetting fucking statistic. I am hopeful for the future, but that future seems to be getting further and further away as more and more millions are suffering from this virus’ effects. What occurred to me today, after reading some LC community folks posting about their current symptoms, was how my brain fog hasn’t come back. I don’t wanna jinx it, but sincerely, it is the most fucked up thing to not be able to trust your own brain. Sure, sometimes it was funny things like only shaving one leg and then going about my day as though it was normal. Other times I would be standing in my kitchen not knowing at all what I was doing before or after that moment. I struggled to carry conversation, my bestie can attest to that one, as my thoughts would suddenly evaporate mid sentences. It was so frustrating and felt physically terrible too. I don’t miss it one bit but I also didn’t realize how long it has been since that was a pretty regular occurrence for me.

The absolute worst is fatigue. Oh my gosh! THE FATIGUE! This isn’t tired or exhausted, this is medical grade collapse, or at least that’s what I call it. Add the body pain on top of it and you really start to struggle to even see the point in existing. Adding more symptoms on top of those and so on and so on…fifteen months later and I’m somehow still kickin’! When the heart palpitations first started I was scared af! I used a heart rate app and would get so annoyed every time my heart rate was normal because it did not feel normal. The body can get used to a lot of shit you would neer imagine it could. Ask anyone with a chronic illness, most would love to have former versions of their current condition, especially if/when medical pros have let them down at every turn.

If you see someone you know to be chronically ill smiling or going about their life seemingly “okay”, trust that it is no small thing to a chronically ill person. We may be having a better day than usual and trying to take advantage before the next crash. We are often put in a position to tend to and even coddle the feelings of others if we express our truths or even share that we’re in pain at all. Please read that sentence again. Most people don’t want to hear that anyone isn’t feeling well, but if you haven’t been feeling well for years, they will treat you as if it is entirely your fault. They will suggest the most absurd things to “fix” the issues you have been suffering from and living with. Or straight up insisting you’re lying/faking, or the classic, “Other people have it so much worse!” which forces us into further isolation and makes us not trust people. People you think love and care for you will slip away from your life without warning, notice or apparent reason, but you’ll know deep down why. People quickly become uninterested when you don’t improve. They assume, wrongly, that you haven’t done all you can to get better. They have very little grasp of what the chronic part means when it comes to illness.

I have been incredibly fortunate to have a job and a boss that is empathetic and understanding and so I have been able to continue to house and feed myself through my illness. Had I worked anywhere else I am certain I would have been forced to live on the street. I am often in disbelief at the good fortune I have had in my job the last several years. I’m an office manager, which is a lot of desk work, but it also requires that I get up and run around a lot. I have really struggled with both aspects of my job since getting covid. I did get my infection at work, from a teammate. I had taken off my mask for all of 2 minutes to drink some water, he didn’t know he was infected and had only met up outdoors with family. It takes literal seconds to become infected and the longer your exposure the more viral load you are taking on. There is no mild covid. Your initial symptoms through the acute phase are your body’s immune response in full battle mode. Many who have had no symptoms, asymptomatic cases are over 60% and the cause of most spread (in my opinion), or very “mild” symptoms are due to a lack of immune response. Some have called those with more severe symptoms as having a “loud immune system”.

I have had people insist I cannot have long covid because I haven’t been diagnosed by a doctor. If you know anything about covid, regular or long, you know that doctors don’t know shit! Not only do they not know shit, they don’t want to know! They will insist you have anxiety or psychosis and will tell you loudly and unmasked every time! The truth of my long covid is that I have far less anxiety than I did before my infection, I can’t explain it, but it is true for me. Going to any medical setting right now is more dangerous to my health than not seeking medical care. The medical industry has abandoned all sense and reason, I refuse to place myself in more danger of further and worse infection from a deadly and disabling pathogen in order to get an official diagnosis. Long covid has a set of symptoms that are pretty core and standard to those who have it, but most of us have a bunch of other symptoms due to our unique and individual systems. I knew about six weeks after my symptoms started to come back after the acute phase of the infection that I had long covid.

If you have read this far, I beg of you, wear a N95/KN95 mask or better (P100 and others exist!) any time you’re around other humans. The majority of people are either grossly misinformed or are operating on information from 2020. We are no longer living in 2020 and the current variants of SARS2/Covid19 are nothing like it was then. We must adapt to our current reality to survive. SARS2 is a vascular virus that damages all organs, but seems to specifically enjoy attacking our brains. It can cause cancer cells to reactivate, diabetes, hair loss, reproductive issues and so so much more. If you are a fat bodied individual, you already know how we get treated in healthcare settings. I promise you that this will not improve if you get covid or long covid. Each infection increases your chances of getting long covid by 10x. Like, for real, don’t fuck around because you will find out! Oh and our pets are getting it, passing it, and dying from it too. I cannot help but wonder if my puggo’s sudden illness and decline was somehow related to covid (my only infection was almost a year later).

Please be safe, stay smart, stay masked! Get your booster shots, the new Novavax formulated for the newest variants, gave me ZERO SIDE EFFECTS! I had to pay out of pocket, but it was worth it for me. I hope more people will speak up and out about this information, but unfortunately I know that most people are not able to actually listen to it. If you have questions or seeking resources for covid related things, please leave a comment or email me, I will respond. Take care.

To poop. Yeah, really. I was planning a road trip to Portland Oregon for the Knockout PDX fashion event later this month. I was very excited as this is a mask required event, only four hours long, and I’d get to see my bestie again IRL. I bought my ticket, only $33, and started planning the rest. For once an event that I know I would have loved was accessible to me in our current reality of a global Sars2 pandemic. The rest of the world? Not so much.

You see, as I began to look for lodging and a rental car, I soon discovered not everything was as it appeared to be. I have had great luck with past Air bnb stays in a few different cities in the USA. In fact, last year I met up with my childhood bestie in Reno for my birthday and rented a townhouse for us to chill in for a few days as we caught up on each other’s lives. It was the perfect location, everything was within walking distance, had modern amenities and all was good. I mean, the stairs were a pain for both of us, but we managed. 

The issue I had with it was where the damn toilet was. This townhouse had two master suites, so we each had our own bedroom with adjoining restroom. Being a strictly shower taking person, I chose the one with the standup shower so she could have a nice bath if desired. For some reason, my big master bathroom had a toilet in a little room of its own inside the restroom. Nothing else in it, just the toilet, window, and door. I called it a shitbox in jest, but my giggles died quickly when it was too narrow for me to wipe my own ass!  No seriously, I had to contort in a way I haven’t ever had to even in a tiny public restroom stall. In the end I had to open the door and use the jam as leverage to twist in the right way in order to reach. Awful!

This all came flooding back to me when I began to look for lodging for my lil’ road trip. I started to pay more attention to where and how the toilet was situated in the listings. I also started to notice how many didn’t include a photo of the toilet at all. I was looking in two locations for a two part trip sort of thing, so part of it was far more rustic. I wanted to avoid outhouses since I tend to get up at least once in the night to pee around 3:30 am. I cannot imagine trying to navigate a strange place in the wilderness at night in search of an outhouse. No thanks. But even modern homes in downtown Portland and surrounding areas had odd configurations due to type of sink or vanity or if it had its own little shitbox room. 

I had already had an eye for accessibility but rarely have I had to consider regular restrooms in a home an issue. Knowing that most Americans are not small bodied, it really boggles the mind that these design choices were made at all. I also noticed how many listings would take pictures at very odd or stretched out angles so you really couldn’t tell how much space was there. I started to see the entire Air bnb endeavor as a misinformation campaign. There are a lot of accessibility options for when you’re searching for a listing, but it doesn’t seem that most hosts care to bother with them at all. I found some that had safety rails by the toilet and in the shower with no mention of it in the listing. While others listed “no stairs to access unit” with several pictures of massive flights of stairs. 

I ended up canceling the Portland part of my trip all together as trying to plan it became so stressful it made me emotional. The point was for me to have a nice simple vacation, I hardly ever take time off, and it is very much needed. I didn’t want my vacation to be stressful in any way, shape, or form. I realized at one point that I would be spending two entire days of my week off in the car driving for 12-13 hours. Then I had an issue with the car rental options and before even gas and food I would have been spending over $1500! I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t justify it.

So now I am back to my original plan, which was to get a lil’ cabin in the woods and have my own little solo writer’s retreat amongst the redwoods. That is what I now have booked. A little A-frame cabin, just me and my old-ass Toyota and only a 3.5 hours drive to and from. I will be in the wilderness but only a 15 minute drive to the beach. It is still a lot of money for me, but nowhere near even half what doing the Portland trip would have cost me. And now I can just bring my own groceries and relish in the solitude and nature. I am very much looking forward to it. I suppose I should buy one of those headlamp things for my late night trips to the restroom, for safety’s sake. Ha-ha!

Have you had issues with restrooms like this? I think hotels have to do a better job with spacing and accessibility since they want to attract all types of folks and likely have more stringent regulations to consider. Restrooms feel like an afterthought, it seems, when modern offerings rave about their massive open floor plan and amenities but the restroom is cramped and uninviting. I want a big bathroom with good lighting! I don’t even need a big tub, though that would be lovely too. I kind of enjoy seeing all of the funky decor people use in these listings, but most are very basic and grey and oh well I guess. I just hadn’t thought to actually seek out photos of toilets before! Ha-ha! The amount of listings I could have stayed in versus what I whittled down to would be shocking. I mean, some truly gorgeous locales and well appointed listings, but completely inaccessible to anyone with larger than 40″ hips, lemme tell ya. 

What other accessibility features do you look for when searching for lodging or traveling in general? I know for me, covid safety is number one, so hotels were not an option since they have shared air/hvac/common areas. I would love to hear how others approach these things. We are all only temporarily able bodied, after all. Certainly as we age or live with chronic issues, more things will require further consideration. And, hey…Everybody poops! Ha-ha!

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I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

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