Step 7: Let Go
November21
This is the seventh in a series of things that have helped me, I believe in, or people have asked me to share. Basically, things I do or think or whatever that have helped me be a better person, activist and positive fat lady. Check out Step 1, Step 2, Step 3, Step 4, Step 5 and Step 6.
Step 7: Let Go
This one’s a toughy But I will insist that it is absolutely necessary. I am talking about letting go of toxic relationships. The people in your life who simply will never allow you to be you. The people or relatives who cannot be in your presence without telling you what you’re doing wrong or how you should be anything other than what you are right now. The people in your life who can’t not bring up diets and how bad being fat is. The people in your life who can’t help but supervise anytime you eat a meal or comment on your portions or choices. The people who insist you over eat even if they’ve not once witnessed you eating. The people in your life, no matter how good their supposed intentions are, will simply never believe that fat doesn’t kill. These people are holding you back from a better life. These people are not thinking about your health and well being. These people will always judge and hurt you. I’m sorry to tell you this, but you have to let them go.
Some of these relationships are easier to shed than others, I realize. It’s not that you can’t ever talk to your mom or auntie again, it’s just that you have to set boundaries with them and explain to them why said boundaries must exist. If a total lack of respect is the issue, it needs to be addressed. Think of every remark, comment, judgement or “suggestion” as a stone. How many can you carry? How much of a burden is this relationship worth to you? Because frankly, you do not deserve to be treated that way. You need to worry about you
Other people’s expectations of you or anyone else is nothing more than bullshit. I don’t care if they want you to be a doctor or a fashion designer or a fucking dog groomer…it ain’t your problem, it’s theirs
I’m not saying you have to call everyone up and tell them to fuck off, though that would be fun…no
Okay-okay, I know…your mom/dad. You simply can’t push your mom/dad out of your life because she/he fat hates and shames you into oblivion every time you see or hear from her/him. To this I say two things: First, discuss it with them. Tell them how it makes you feel. Let them borrow your copy of “Health At Every Size” by Linda Bacon. Let them know that you want a real relationship with them and that you’re no longer their little girl/boy/etc. anymore and they need to start treating you with respect, like an adult. If this attempt falls on deaf ears, may I suggest the second thing I have to say on the matter: walk away. See what happens. Wait them out. You never know. They have had a lifetime filled with diet industry talk and marketing, it will take awhile for this new knowledge to sink in, if it will. Give them the benefit of the doubt, until you can’t. Then walk away. Tell them why, but walk away for your own mental health and well being. It will hurt, but so did having them in your life.
I am sick and tired of people suffering in silence when just saying exactly what is on your mind and how this person is making you feel will free you both
Letting go is in no way a failure on your part. If you attempted to save the relationship by discussing how that person has made you feel and how you need to be treated better or not continue the relationship; you have already done more than that person cared to do for you. You are the hero/heroine, in my opinion. It takes a mature person to do that. It may hurt. I won’t say it’s easy, though sometimes it can be surprisingly so, but I will say that it’s better to get things out in the open than to live a lie or to suffer mistreatment from others.
Many of us, it seems, are going through a transitional period in our lives. For one reason or ten, things are kind of sucking right now and many of us are trying to figure out how to take the reigns on our lives once again, if we ever had them to begin with. To you/us I say it’s high time to take this as an opportunity to shape and mold the lives we’ve always dreamed of having yourself of the burden of self-hate, toxic people, bad relationships, old habits, shame, guilt, fear and everything else and just live for the sake of livingbeing free to roam a brighter and more positive lifemake it worth it
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letting go of my sister as a roomate and a close friend was the best thing i ever did for myself and self esteem. Somewhere she went from a teen who worshiped her college age sister to someone who realized she had a good body and started criticizing me so she could get the boys first. She actually told me to go back to being a bulimic so i could lose weight fast and get a boy friend. I have had to cut her out of my life for about a year and now we really only meet up on my terms. i cant deal with it. So now we get together at my house for dinner about once a month and she leaves after like an hour…which is exactly how i want it.
erylin: Awesome! That is my point exactly. If a relationship only makes you feel terrible, why bother keeping or participating in it? I’m sorry your sister has lost her big-sister-love, but she’ll come around eventually. For now it seems you’ve taken control for your own sanity and to that I say good for you!
All right! Here’s what’s on my mind: even if you /are/ still their little girl/boy/etc., you still deserve respect and everything else in this post. Let’s get radical here! 🙂
Jen: You are absolutely right, but…BUT, I do think it’s important at some point for a parent to recognize their children as adults. Thanks so much for your comment.
[…] This is the eighth in a series of things that have helped me, I believe in, or people have asked me to share. Basically, things I do or think or whatever that have helped me be a better person, activist and positive fat lady. Check out Step 1, Step 2, Step 3, Step 4, Step 5, Step 6 and Step 7. […]
Thank you for this. A few years back, when my later mother was still around, I’d gotten to the point where I seriously considered cutting her out of my life (fat hate being just one of a whole slew of reasons). Only reason I didn’t, was that her health started to go downhill at around that time. However, the result of her being in hospital, then nursing home, was that my relationship with the rest of my family got a lot better without her triangulating everything. Had I broken things off sooner, I know darn well she’d have made me out to be the ‘bad’ one, and I’d have lost touch with my whole family. So, it’s tricky – but you’re right: everyone has the right to protect themselves, and sometimes walking away is the only way.
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